No sex after baby, what do I do?

[ISeeBlue]

Our baby is 7 months now and we only had sex for a bit after the birth (there was a sort of surge of hormones and it was rampant for a short period of time).

Now it’s been months since we last had sex. I am really confused as to what I am supposed to do. I am not happy living like this and it makes me miserable. I feel like my husband is trying to make a housemate out of me. He essentially wants to carry on as normal, be chatty and keep talking throughout the day in particular if he is working from the office but there is no sex, no affection, no intimacy of any kind. Because of this, I have felt distant from him and increasingly annoyed at him, and I find it hard to act all chatty and normal. I have communicated it to him in detail many times now, we’ve had long conversations. But nothing’s changed.

I resent him because he’s ruining my maternity leave. I am meant to be enjoying my baby but inevitably my marriage situation ends up making me feel flat. If I were single, I wouldn’t be dating at this point as my baby is too young and I am busy. But considering I am married and living under the same roof as my husband, I feel awful being so physically separated. I feel distant emotionally too because of that.

I just feel very angry at him sometimes particularly when I receive another breezy message talking about his day and asking about mine. I AM NOT YOUR HOUSEMATE.

Really, I feel trapped. I am not single and choosing not to date currently. I am married and denied intimacy. It feels humiliating and upsetting. I don’t want to leave just yet, it seems too early to exit and also I would like a sibling for my child from the same dad, whether we be together into old age or not. And he knows that too.

He himself says he feels emotionally distant and that’s why we aren’t having sex and I’m creating that emotional distance, again, because we aren’t having sex. It’s a vicious circle but I have tried to be all breezy and chatty and allow for some emotional intimacy however that hasn’t resulted in sex.

Does anyone have any advice for me? My thoughts are disjointed so I appreciate my post may be, too. I feel so upset. And stuck. I am 31 years old if that matters.

She literally says ‘our’ and ‘we’ in her opening paragraph. She refers to her maternity leave - because it is not theirs. You are making a bizarre drama out of grammar.

OMG people are not all the same - not everyone reacts to the birth experience in the same way.

Men also aren’t on demand sex toys

I, like the vast majority of people , am well aware that men don’t give birth. They do however have to adjust to being a parent and everything that comes with it including sleep deprivation. Such a change can affect libido male or female. Hope this helps .

It hasn’t been 7 months to though, they have had an intense period of having sex after she recovered from birth and then it stopped.

Maybe it was delayed trauma then as he was ok initially and then went off it?

Some people get all messed up about things when a baby comes along.

Firstly don’t jump to he doesn’t fancy you any more, and think about if there is a way to work out the underlying issue. Perhaps counselling?

After the initial sentence, she talks only of 'my', using the word multiple times in the succeeding paragraphs. The technicalities of the grammar are incidental to the meaning conveyed by the OP's grammatical choices. The post is overwhelmingly about her, with little if any recognition that sexual difficulties in a marriage are a joint problem. She even talks of her DH denying her sex, making herself a victim rather than an equal partner.

its Only been 7 months, you’re both adjusting, give it time. Try to instigate physical touch, just a quick hug or kiss on the cheek, and try not to be angry - he’s not in that place right now but he will be again.

Not sure if you are being sarcastic.

It might be delayed trauma. It might be that sex drives wax and wane for ALL individuals no matter whether they are male or female.

@ISeeBlue will never get to the bottom of what his particular issue is if she doesn't stop being angry and upset, refusing to engage with his perfectly normal comms, stop being hyperbolic "ruined my maternity leave" and actually try to talk to him, with or without a counsellor, to see how they can move forward together.

OP I suspect you are feeling insecure because of the lack of sexual interest from dh, insecurity can present as fear and anger. Try not to see his lack of interest in sex at the moment as a judgement about you. And don’t be angry about his normal day to day chit chat, if he wasn’t communicating at all that would definitely be a cause for concern! You say you’ve both discussed this issue a few times, was he able to give any potential reasons for his lack of libido at the moment? I think given that this is such a huge issue for you, then you should ask him if he would go to relationship counselling with you.

You are ridiculous. Take no notice, OP.

And there was me thinking that people asked for advice on MN so they could be exposed to a variety of views.

Nothing like pressure to put people off.

Thank you!!

I am not ashamed to say I want sex with my husband. I am well ready and the birth was a breeze allowing for lots of it in the actual early days.

btw I am the one getting up with baby at night and spending days too whilst he is most of the week in the office. I was the one who carried the baby and gave birth. It doesn’t really make sense to talk about “early days” when discussing his perspective on sex

Ok let's flip it, and consider from his POV:
My wife is angry with me because we aren't having sex post baby.
I told her that for me it is about emotional distance, but she isnt working with me to find ways to reconnect.
She's getting angrier and closing off from me. I'm trying to stay connected with her by chatting about the day to day and sending messages. Because if I stop doing that, then it feels all lines of communication are down. But doing that seems to annoy her even more and increase the distance.
She's not creating a vibe where I feel able or safe enough to discuss what's going on for me, because she seems so angry.

Thank you, this is very helpful.

Thank you.

“Early days” does actually make sense, becoming a parent is a huge life change for men as well as women, it’s not just about physical bodily changes. It can take some adjusting to.

Thank you. MN have unhelpfully deleted my reply to this poster. It started with “I am not a man”.

lol

I’ve actually showed this reply to him and he laughed.

Good. Shared humour is positive in marriage.

Exactly. Thank you! Many wonderful responses and many suggestions to engage in counselling.

This is all very dramatic isn’t it, how long since you had sex, thay it’s acrually ruining your maternity leave and wonder if he still loves you and fancies you?

And yes if the genders were reversed the woman would be told to leave, he’s not allowed to be chatty as you’re not getting a shag?

This is all very dramatic isn’t it, how long since you had sex, thay it’s actually ruining your maternity leave and wonder if he still loves you and fancies you?

It's not dramatic. It's how the OP feels.
She's entitled to her feelings.