No sex after baby, what do I do?

[ISeeBlue]

Our baby is 7 months now and we only had sex for a bit after the birth (there was a sort of surge of hormones and it was rampant for a short period of time).

Now it’s been months since we last had sex. I am really confused as to what I am supposed to do. I am not happy living like this and it makes me miserable. I feel like my husband is trying to make a housemate out of me. He essentially wants to carry on as normal, be chatty and keep talking throughout the day in particular if he is working from the office but there is no sex, no affection, no intimacy of any kind. Because of this, I have felt distant from him and increasingly annoyed at him, and I find it hard to act all chatty and normal. I have communicated it to him in detail many times now, we’ve had long conversations. But nothing’s changed.

I resent him because he’s ruining my maternity leave. I am meant to be enjoying my baby but inevitably my marriage situation ends up making me feel flat. If I were single, I wouldn’t be dating at this point as my baby is too young and I am busy. But considering I am married and living under the same roof as my husband, I feel awful being so physically separated. I feel distant emotionally too because of that.

I just feel very angry at him sometimes particularly when I receive another breezy message talking about his day and asking about mine. I AM NOT YOUR HOUSEMATE.

Really, I feel trapped. I am not single and choosing not to date currently. I am married and denied intimacy. It feels humiliating and upsetting. I don’t want to leave just yet, it seems too early to exit and also I would like a sibling for my child from the same dad, whether we be together into old age or not. And he knows that too.

He himself says he feels emotionally distant and that’s why we aren’t having sex and I’m creating that emotional distance, again, because we aren’t having sex. It’s a vicious circle but I have tried to be all breezy and chatty and allow for some emotional intimacy however that hasn’t resulted in sex.

Does anyone have any advice for me? My thoughts are disjointed so I appreciate my post may be, too. I feel so upset. And stuck. I am 31 years old if that matters.

Lord, we’ve had dry spells for 6 months before. We are just exhausted raising young kids. No one pressures anyone, we just do it when we really want it, and that way it’s always really good too! No half arsed sex for me!

I feel like me and my partner completely disconnected after having our little one. I slept in a separate room with her for the first 6/7 months and this just added to the lack of intimacy and disconnect. I also felt we were more like roommates and eventually my relationship broke down completely (there were other reasons too but this definitely didn't help). I think communication is key, making sure you have honest conversations with each other about how you're feeling and tackle it early on before it's too late.

I agree with this. Men can be put off sex when it feels pressured just like women can. I know you've already disagreed with someone saying you need to rebuild your relationship without sex but I think it's really worth you considering that more. Just try having fun together, having nice deep chats, some romance and intimacy without the expectation of sex and wait for it to come naturally.

You make it sound like this man is just a sperm donor. You want sex, he doesnt. Perhaps he is worried? I think you should try to enjoy having your new family.

It’s usually the man who complains. But my experience mirrors yours OP, As noted, it’s still early days, for you. You are both still adjusting. In my case, it did not get better. He simply didn’t see me as his sexy wife anymore. Only the mother of his child. I wish you better luck. At some point, you might want to consider couples counseling.

Why is it horrible to want sex as a consenting adult? Everyone’s sex drive is different. Just because you’re happy to go 10 months without doesn’t mean everyone has to be. She has a right to be upset that the sex is gone from her relationship and he won’t even discuss the reasons why.

I don’t see where in the original post it says she’s been pressuring him but just as he has a right to say no, she has the right to feel upset about it. Prior to the baby they had a sexual relationship and now they don’t. That is upsetting for someone who enjoys sex. Good god you are so judgemental

Balderdash.

“My wife had a baby seven months ago. She won’t shag me. I’m expected to crack on and be a normal husband and Dad but she says she isn’t feeling it. I AM NOT HER HOUSEMATE.

I have also made it clear I expect her to provide me with a sibling for our child though I’m less bothered about whether our relationship actually lasts.”

Yeah that’s not cool now it’s a bloke is it?

Are you ok? I don’t see any of what you have written in the original post. Where does it say she isn’t bothered about the relationship???

Paragraph 5/7.

Here you go:

“I don’t want to leave just yet, it seems too early to exit and also I would like a sibling for my child from the same dad, whether we be together into old age or not. And he knows that too.”

If she wasn’t bothered about the relationship why would she care about the lack of sex?? She could literally just go out and cheat which let’s face it is what a man would do in her situation. There is NOTHING wrong with a woman liking and wanting sex.

I don’t know which part of “from the same dad” you’re having trouble with. Or did you just reply without reading anything at all?

I cannot speak for this poster but do you genuinely think that there aren’t people that find sex more important than their relationship?

I stand by the point. If a man said all of the above they would be condemned.

I think that’s bollocks. For a LOT of people sex is one of the most important parts of a relationship. Just because it’s not for you doesn’t mean you should judge others for feeling it is. Your relationship must be a right barrel of laughs. One shag a year and god forbid anyone mention wanting it more than that

Maybe you need to be more direct - ask him what's changed (besides you've had a baby) and why there's an obvious distance between you. Did you have sex whilst pregnant? we didn't but it wasn't talked about by either of us - however he did ask how soon after the birth we could resume! He's got to be prepared to open up and you listen - work it out together.

I haven’t said whatever you think you’re replying to. It is undoubtedly the case that:

1. lots of people find sex to be an important part of their relationship,
2. some people don’t care much about their relationship but do care about having sex,
3. the poster has made clear that they value having another baby from the same person higher than they value their relationship lasting permanently.

In addition, it is my opinion that despite it being completely normal to feel disappointed when your spouses sexual drive doesn’t match yours, the OPs post is grim reading and it all sounds extremely transactional and would elicit no sympathy from a man - quite rightly.

It has become clear that you’re either being deliberately obtuse or you genuinely struggle with reading comprehension as evidenced by multiple posts so I am not sure there’s much value continuing.

I think your response to him wanting to talk about benign things is odd. He is trying to connect with you and your response is anger.

You can’t have real intimacy without friendship and connection. You are rejecting the friendship. How can you hope to improve your sex life?

The first year with a baby is hard. As long as there is no abuse, I advise never making any big relationship changes. Give yourselves time to settle into your new lives.

But surely he must know that talking about benign things while refusing to acknowledge the elephant in the room is going to infuriate the OP?
I think that's what is upsetting her most.
She's given birth to his child and I'm sure her body has changed and maybe she needs reassurance that she is still attractive.

Hi Op Can you arrange for a babysitter for the night in order that you can spend some together?
Alternatively write him a letter explaining the issues that you have and see what the reaction is?

Are you ugly? Flabby?

Make yourself desirable.

Is this not him trying to connect?

I feel very connected when my partner asks about my day, or calls me randomly to say he’s thinking of me, or misses me and wanted to say hi.

im like you and want and need sex! But the way I see it your standing in the bedroom saying let’s get it on, your partner is in the kitchen saying I need to feel X to get to the bedroom and you probably need to sit him down and say “cool, what do you need to get us from the kitchen to the bedroom?”

From your username I assume you are a staunch Christian. You’ve multiple times insinuated that OP is wrong for wanting sex with a partner because if she was a man that would be wrong and also because you’ve gone months without sex and you’re happy as Larry with it. Not everyone thinks sex is some awful shameful thing so stop trying to push your own narrative on everyone else. You sound like an absolute yawn fest I feel truly sorry for your husband

I am an atheist. I missed sex more than my partner. I don’t think sex is shameful, I hope
to have some later and it isn’t usually vanilla.

You can’t read and you make wacky assumptions.

Errrrr yes we do. I absolutely went off sex with my wife after she gave birth. Fortunately she did too so we had no issues. We were both exhausted

Oh wow is it time for your once a year sesh. Surprised you’re admitting to wanting sex on here. ImaGiNe iF a mAn SaId tHat 🥱

FYI your partner was probably cheating or using a hell of a lot of porn during those 10 months. That is why he didn’t miss sex much.