No sex after baby, what do I do?

[ISeeBlue]

Our baby is 7 months now and we only had sex for a bit after the birth (there was a sort of surge of hormones and it was rampant for a short period of time).

Now it’s been months since we last had sex. I am really confused as to what I am supposed to do. I am not happy living like this and it makes me miserable. I feel like my husband is trying to make a housemate out of me. He essentially wants to carry on as normal, be chatty and keep talking throughout the day in particular if he is working from the office but there is no sex, no affection, no intimacy of any kind. Because of this, I have felt distant from him and increasingly annoyed at him, and I find it hard to act all chatty and normal. I have communicated it to him in detail many times now, we’ve had long conversations. But nothing’s changed.

I resent him because he’s ruining my maternity leave. I am meant to be enjoying my baby but inevitably my marriage situation ends up making me feel flat. If I were single, I wouldn’t be dating at this point as my baby is too young and I am busy. But considering I am married and living under the same roof as my husband, I feel awful being so physically separated. I feel distant emotionally too because of that.

I just feel very angry at him sometimes particularly when I receive another breezy message talking about his day and asking about mine. I AM NOT YOUR HOUSEMATE.

Really, I feel trapped. I am not single and choosing not to date currently. I am married and denied intimacy. It feels humiliating and upsetting. I don’t want to leave just yet, it seems too early to exit and also I would like a sibling for my child from the same dad, whether we be together into old age or not. And he knows that too.

He himself says he feels emotionally distant and that’s why we aren’t having sex and I’m creating that emotional distance, again, because we aren’t having sex. It’s a vicious circle but I have tried to be all breezy and chatty and allow for some emotional intimacy however that hasn’t resulted in sex.

Does anyone have any advice for me? My thoughts are disjointed so I appreciate my post may be, too. I feel so upset. And stuck. I am 31 years old if that matters.

Honestly OP it’s not going to be what you want to hear but this is so normal when you have a young child, sex is less frequent, everyone is adjusting to a new life which is busier and usually with less sleep, it’s early days.

If this was a man being annoyed and angry at their partner due to a relatively short lack of sex they would be ripped apart.
Imo you need to take a step back and try to rebuild your relationship without sex. You sound obsessed, claiming he’s ruining your mat leave due to it and basically getting annoyed that every interaction doesn’t result in sex.

How has you relationship with sex been previously to having a baby? Do you feel you need sex as a gauge to the relationship or to feel close/for validation?
It reads as if you have a unhealthy relationship with sex. Currently I'd take sex off the table and re build the relationship with communication and non sexual intimacy. Your partner may well be feeling lots of pressure from you for sex which absolutely does the opposite.

In the scheme of things it's not a long time to go without sex when you've had a new baby. Yet you're talking about leaving and being single? It seems a very reactive response. Suggests much more is going on for you op. Have you have any counselling before?

IMO you need to take a step back and try to rebuild your relationship without sex

That's not a solution.

I’d just like to add I have asked him if he doesn’t fancy me anymore, if he wishes to leave, if he doesn’t love me anymore. It’s a definitive no to all the questions. Yet no changes or desire to give me what I’m asking for. I don’t want to live in a sexless marriage. It’s not for me.

@ISeeBlue
My husband was like this for a while after our first baby, and I also felt angry with him about it.

We went to marriage counselling and it really helped.

This! The OPs post reads absolutely horribly.

We went ten months, nobody pressured anybody, it just wasn’t happening for either of us. We discussed it a little but not at length. We still loved each other.

Now we’re back to probably having sex a bit more than before.

Do you make advances to him, give him a hug, cuddle up to him in bed?

No one mentioned rape, what an odd and aggressive response.

I might suggest this, thank you.

You are both adjusting to being parents which is different to what you were before. You need to go on dates, get the baby looked after, go out for dinner, movies, walk at the coast park what ever works for you both, but being just you two and not with the baby.

It takes work at making time for each other as husband and wife and not as parent, but it does work and the spark should come back but again it will take time.

However it will only work if both of you want it to work and be who you were and how you were before the baby.

No, it’s not. We have always been romantically involved with my husband. We were never friends that eventually became something more.

So you must focus alongside him on the emotional distance he is feeling. He is telling you what he's feeling but rather than empathising with that, you want him to 'give you' sex. Sex isnt given. It's created between two people. Your mood/vibe comes across very strongly in your message and will be doing the male equivalent of making his fanny snap shut! You need to change tack completely and ask him what will create less emotional distance for him. Listen. Act on that.

@ISeeBlue

In your replies, you seem really angry. People are responding to actually try to help you.

What is your routine like - are you both getting enough sleep (or as much as you can with a 7 month old).

How do you spend quality time together - do you eat and chat after baby is down, watch tv and cuddle, do you do any of the fun things you used to do pre-baby?

You mentioned mat leave - are finances a possible stressor for your husband?

I am sorry but based off your replies to other posters, you seem snappy and short. That would turn anyone off sex. Are you still nice to your DH - be honest about that?

How often do you complain about the lack of sex? That could also be putting him off.

Also, someone mentioned struggling with new roles. Some men struggle to quickly reconcile the transition of you being the mother of his gorgeous new baby but also still the sexy babe you used to be to him before. My experience is that you need to merge those 2 roles together but it takes time, open and kind communication and no demands - patience and love.

Suggest you take the "we haven't had sex for xxx long" chat off the table and just try to find ways to re-connect and show affection - it might dial down the pressure and disappointment a bit.

She hasn't got an unhealthy relationship with sex! She's a normal 31 year old woman and it's 7 months after the birth. Absolutely normal to want to have a sexual relationship with her husband, it isn't early days, she has every right to be frustrated.

Completely different from a man wanting sex after birth if the woman isn't ready.

I think it's pretty unusual for a young man not to want sex with his wife.

I think counselling would be a good idea, especially for your husband.

It's quite unusual for a man to be happily celibate due to "emotional distance" for so long. Could there be the possibility of another woman somewhere? Pregnancy and post partum are often peak times for infidelity. Obviously this depends on details that you only know, such as if his work regularly takes him overnight or if you already have reason to be suspicious. If he's definitely loyal and had nothing at all to hide then counselling may be a good idea.

The harsh truth is that men only stop intimacy if they are no longer physically attracted to their partner (despite what they say out loud), if they have another woman or using porn as a substitute, if they are extremely religious and find it difficult to reconcile their image of their partner as a mother vs an object of desire, or if they have MH issues such as burnout, stress or depression.

It’s not unusual to hate each other for a bit after having a baby. Id advise anyone not to divorce someone that they usually like at this stage. Essentially, don’t panic.

He’s trying to connect but you hate the way he’s doing it. That is a textbook situation for couples counselling. Not because he owes you sex, but because you are both navigating an entirely new stage in life and getting a bit lost doing it. Probably.

Was he present at the birth? I would wonder if he found the birth traumatic (possibly subconsciously) and doesn't quite know how to process that and move on

Are you dating? As a couple? It’s so easy to get lost into the trenches with a small child, but spending time and doing things as husband and wife, such as date nights, instead of being mum and dad is also important. It takes effort as life is busy and perhaps babysitters aren’t abundant, but you also have to have time as a couple to reconnect imo

I know someone that happened to. He didn't want to be at the birth but she really wanted him there, he said he couldn't have sex with her after that. They divorced in the end. Wasn't Elvis a bit like that, I seem to remember Priscilla saying he didn't want sex with her after their daughter was born.

Few people seem to have misread what I wrote. I would like to clarify: I am not angry or annoyed with him because we aren’t having sex. I am angry and annoyed with him every time he acts like I’m his housemate such as send me breezy messages about his day and asking me about mine. He is acting like there’s no issue whatsoever knowing full and well there is an issue as I have brought it up. I feel like he is trying to dismiss my feelings / brush it under the rug and this is what gets my back up.

Don't do that "if this was a man" crap. It always makes the poster look at bit stupid.

She's recently had a child - which MAY or not be part of the reason why her husband is avoiding sex - so your comparison is absolutely pointless.

Ok... are you hounding him for sex?
Because frankly that's a turn off.
You come over as very aggressive/angry.

Is he getting it somewhere else??

What was it like before the baby? Trust your instincts.