No sex after baby, what do I do?

[ISeeBlue]

Our baby is 7 months now and we only had sex for a bit after the birth (there was a sort of surge of hormones and it was rampant for a short period of time).

Now it’s been months since we last had sex. I am really confused as to what I am supposed to do. I am not happy living like this and it makes me miserable. I feel like my husband is trying to make a housemate out of me. He essentially wants to carry on as normal, be chatty and keep talking throughout the day in particular if he is working from the office but there is no sex, no affection, no intimacy of any kind. Because of this, I have felt distant from him and increasingly annoyed at him, and I find it hard to act all chatty and normal. I have communicated it to him in detail many times now, we’ve had long conversations. But nothing’s changed.

I resent him because he’s ruining my maternity leave. I am meant to be enjoying my baby but inevitably my marriage situation ends up making me feel flat. If I were single, I wouldn’t be dating at this point as my baby is too young and I am busy. But considering I am married and living under the same roof as my husband, I feel awful being so physically separated. I feel distant emotionally too because of that.

I just feel very angry at him sometimes particularly when I receive another breezy message talking about his day and asking about mine. I AM NOT YOUR HOUSEMATE.

Really, I feel trapped. I am not single and choosing not to date currently. I am married and denied intimacy. It feels humiliating and upsetting. I don’t want to leave just yet, it seems too early to exit and also I would like a sibling for my child from the same dad, whether we be together into old age or not. And he knows that too.

He himself says he feels emotionally distant and that’s why we aren’t having sex and I’m creating that emotional distance, again, because we aren’t having sex. It’s a vicious circle but I have tried to be all breezy and chatty and allow for some emotional intimacy however that hasn’t resulted in sex.

Does anyone have any advice for me? My thoughts are disjointed so I appreciate my post may be, too. I feel so upset. And stuck. I am 31 years old if that matters.

What is he meant to do? Be horrible? Make every interaction about their lack of sex? He's carrying on as normal, because that's a normal thing to do! It's a better way of mending/progressing a relationship than constantly reminding them that you're unhappy.

OP, it sounds like you've talked about it? You've said what he hasn't said, but what are his reasons for not wanting sex ATM? It feels horrible to have your advances constantly rejected, and I'm sure you're feeling especially sensitive about it post-baby, but you've both had a huge life change. I'd give it another six months at least before making any decisions/laying down any ultimatums.

Well one persons drama is another’s calm. For me it’s dramatic, doesn’t mean it’s not how she feels, but it’s still dramatic

That's fair enough, but you were the mother and had given birth and were breastfeeding.

Completely different for a man. He isn't breastfeeding or feeling touched out. OP wants to have sex with her husband which is completely normal.

I had an emergency coil fitted at 4 weeks after birth if that tells you anything about my need to recover.

It is fine for women to want and like sex.

Does it? I’m always happy to see double standards being called out.

From your OP you were having good sex not long after the birth, did anything happen around this time? It does sound like he’s trying to recreate the emotional intimacy he feels he’s lacking with messages. When did this emotional distance start for him?

Which part of "our" are you having difficulty with?

Totally agree it is fine for women to want and like sex, absolutely.

What is not fine is for anyone, man or women, to be angry at their partner, or refuse to engage in just usual daily chat with their partner about their days, as a punishment for them not wanting sex. This isn’t a random 2 year dry spell, this is a handful of months during which you’ve all gone through a huge change, started a family, adjusting to totally new lives and roles as parents.

If your maternity leave feels ruined because you haven’t been shagged in a few months you honestly need to have a serious think about your relationship and dependence on sex. I love sex with my husband, this isn’t about women not being allowed to like sex, but if not having sex for a few months is genuinely ruining your maternity leave then you need to evaluate that, quickly.

A few months is a very long time to go without having sex!

Yes, to suddenly go off it after few months afterwards is strange, trust your instincts.

Is he is spending a lot of extra time at work then is there any chance there is someone at work he interested in?

so what's he said about all your other posts op? has it helped him open up about why he feels like he doesn't want sex?

the whole "I'm annoyed he's texting me about his day but giving me sex" makes it sound like he has to earn your emotional intimacy by giving you sex. don't even ASK about my day unless your penis is involved in the chat!! but not connecting emotionally, not sharing the details of your day will just put more distance before you.
I get you weren't friends first, and perhaps you had sex on the first or second date so never had any time before sex entered the relationship, it friendship is the base of a good marriage.

if you have another couple of kids, or a difficult pregnancy, or an illness that means you don't want sex, do you want him to withdraw emotionally and refuse to have any interest in your life until you're ready to perform sexually for him?

it might be a very long time for you, and I'm assuming you're either had one ensuring relationship or jumped from one to the next very quickly if you feel that way, but there are possibly lots of things in their lives where they might go a couple of months without sex. the fact that it's ruining her maternity leave and spoiling the time she has with her child isn't a typically proportionate response.

@AtlasCedar

yeah me too but not for 7 months straight…

I think most marriages shift when you have a family. It's not just the 2 of you anymore, you're not careless and carefree and I think DH struggled with the fact we lost our evenings to sit and chat, cuddle up on the sofa.

I would try and take all the pressure off, see if you have a willing babysitter to go on a few nights out and try and get back to being a couple and not just parents. You'll get there.

It’s been much longer than a couple of months for OP, but if my partner wanted to go for a couple of months without sex I would be very upset and frustrated and confused as to what was wrong, and it is not disproportionate for OP to feel this way.

If you’re not that bothered about having sex, maybe because you’ve had one enduring relationship where he hasn’t been very good sexually, or because because you’ve jumped quickly between different men who haven’t had time to discover what you like, and you’re fine with that, then that works for you. But many women find sex with their partners an important part of their relationship and it is quite a big deal for that to be removed for months.

Interestingly this is exactly the reverse of a recent thread where the wife wasn't bothered about having ant sex but the husband was getting impatient.

It works both ways.

X

I haven't read all the responses so not sure if this has already been mentioned.

Many otherwise lovely and nice men struggle a bit with changing roles after seeing their partners give birth. They see them as a 'mother' and the incest taboo is very hard-coded into humans. Meaning when we see someone as a mother sex becomes absolutely not something you think about with them. So I can see why he could still logically know he finds you attractive and likes and loves you but when you've seen someone give birth and breastfeed, it can put quite a blocker in the way of feeling sexual.

I think time will likely resolve this. And making sure you at least keep up having dates and speaking openly and being kind to each other. Spend time together away from the baby. Try and do nice intimate things like showering together without pressing for sex but just reminding him who you are as a woman.

The spark will come back as it sounds like you both want it to.

For me it made a big difference when I stopped breastfeeding and my body went from belonging mainly to the baby to being back to being 'my' body.

I think you're missing the point. She's explicit in her post that it's not the sex she's missing in and of itself, it's that she feels her husband is drifting emotionally. Different couples have different love languages - some connect and confirm their love physically. Others do with acts of kindness or jokes or any other language.

If I felt I'd gained a baby and lost a husband I'd be pretty upset on my mat leave too.

A massive hug for you OP 🫂
I don't think it has to be this way at all, but it isn't unusual either.
DP and I used to have a very, very active sex life. Then our daughter arrived and everything changed.
I haven't had the desire that you have experienced, I think because I'm exhausted and looking after a little kid leaves me touched-out and meh. It sort of zaps the need right out of me, if that makes sense?
DP's desire nose dived too. My body was different, I was different, I couldn't fully relax and any noise when the baby was finally asleep set both of us on edge worrying about waking her.
We've been in the flatmate phase for 3 years and we're gradually finding out way out of it, but babies and little kids are all consuming and if you're not very good at compartmentalisation (and maybe your DH is not) it can be very hard to reconcile the parental being and the sexual being.
Emotionally too. I think parenthood changed everything. I was more anxious, more prone to bad temper, more easily annoyed and I came at my enhanced responsibility like a military general giving orders to her well meaning but useless troops!
DH was a chocolate teapot during the baby years, I love him, but my God he was hopeless. It is hard to feel connected when your roles and priorities are so different and for us personally it was a bit of a shock that I became the leader in the house because I was the one on mat leave becoming the "baby expert" and it was a double edged sword for DP : he got out of doing the boring/difficult things he didn't really want to do, but the trade off was that we were no longer equal partners. I knew more, did more, and controlled more. It changed our dynamic and we had to wobble a bit during that first year to find new, more secure footing with each other.

Yes we already know how frustrated you would be as you have voiced this several times . However human beings are not robots even people with large sex drives can go through a dry spell over the years in a relationship. It’s completely normal and doesn’t necessarily mean anything is wrong at all. And it has nothing to do with someone being “good” sexually as you seem to be implying, the fact that you have implied this has made me unlikely to take anything else you say seriously.
Of course in some cases it can be an indication of a problem but not always . Your attitude about the whole thing is extremely black and white .

Well, it it was bad sex I can’t imagine I would want it.

It is perfectly natural for a young woman to feel rejected and frustrated if her husband suddenly seems to not fancy her anymore and rejects all intimacy. The OP says he isn't affectionate either. It would be very hurtful. The concept of emotional distance sounds very cold and somewhat abstract. They are communicating amicably daily, sharing a house and baby, so what is this distance all about? It sounds like he is fobbing her off and just making things worse. I'm not at all surprised she feels upset and even angry. Counselling probably would be the best option now as he seems not to want to explain what is going on.

Sex is about far more than whether or not someone loves or fancies you. Have you never have a dry spell before? How long have you been together?

DH and I have navigated several dry spells and it’s never because we don’t love each other. Stress, low self confidence, depression, medication all contribute to not feeling particularly sexy. Once you get into a rut it can be hard to pull yourself out of it.

But you sound like you are going about it the wrong way - militantly insisting on sex and intimacy isn’t sexy. You need to take baby steps towards reconnecting emotionally - I would argue that him messaging you throughout the day is him trying to do that and you are rebuffing him.

What else are you doing in your relationship post baby to keep the spark alive? How else are you spending time together?

What’s he supposed to do though op? He can’t start every WhatsApp with “I know we aren’t fucking at the moment but…” can he? You can talk about this ad nauseam, it’s not always helpful.

Poor man. He must be under so much pressure to have sex. If this was a woman and the other way around people would be talking about coercion. Sex is all about consent, so no... if he doesn't feel like it. Your husband is more than a dildo for your insatiable urges and unnatural needs. The poor man might have a headache.

Besides, procreation has been achieved now, so there really is no need for it.

Perhaps suggest a nice game of scrabble instead?