My Best Friend Asked My Husband to Be Her Sperm Donor. I Honestly Don't Know How to Feel.

[sofia67]

I'm 34, my husband is also 34, and my best friend is 34. We've been best friends since we were 5 years old. My husband joined our friend group when we were teenagers, and we've all basically grown up together. My best friend married one of our classmates, and my husband has known her just as long as I have.

My husband and I have two kids. Four years ago, my best friend's husband died in a tragic accident after they had only been married for a year. It completely changed her life. She went through severe depression, trauma, and even had suicidal thoughts. With therapy, support, and a lot of hard work, she's now doing much better and has built a great career.

Recently, she asked me something I never expected.

She wants to have a baby but doesn't want another romantic relationship. She said she doesn't want to use an anonymous sperm donor because she'd rather know the person's medical history and character. She asked if my husband would be willing to be her sperm donor.

She was very clear that she has absolutely no romantic feelings for him. She said she would raise the child on her own and is happy to sign any legal agreements stating that my husband would have no parental rights or responsibilities.

The thing is... I wasn't angry. I wasn't offended. I just felt this strange knot in my stomach that I can't explain. I honestly don't know if that's because it's crossing a boundary, because it's such a huge lifelong decision, or because I simply never imagined being asked something like this.

I'm not looking to end a friendship, and I'm not accusing anyone of having inappropriate intentions. I truly believe she's asking because she trusts us.

Sorry - what??? I would have to check my hearing if someone asked me this. Then I would have to say, "you want to have my husband's child? Is that a serious question?"

Just stop for a moment and really think about this.

Your friend is off her fucking rocker. Read Odd Girl Out by Elizabeth Jane Howard. Twas all done before - with disastrous consequences.

No. Because whatever the intentions before the baby arrives, it could go horribly wrong after. So many what ifs, what if the baby is disabled, what if your friend can’t cope, what if she has post natal depression and needs intense support, what if your husband makes a lot of money and you are all living inlixury and she falls on hard times, what if she brings the child up with values and in ways your husband would fundamentally disagree with, what about your husbands extended family, how do they fit in and how do simple things like bbqs work for example, this child will be going to your child’s birthdays and seeing their dad bring out the cake and be a dad to them, then one day the child discovers that guy was their dad all along. Absolutely unfair for the child. What if they grow up as the spitting image of your husband and children.
this has got severe issues for the child in question, family blow ups and legal issues written all over it .

I'm not surprised it caused intense feelings you're not used to OP. It's an unusual thing to be asked and is a huge decision.

There are big risks. Legally SH will have no protections. and the reality is that no one knows exactly what he (or you, come to that) will feel once any children are born. It might be an incredible way to cement a friendship and extend family (your DC's half sibling(s) that will enrich all your lives. Or it might add drama and conflict. You can't know for sure, though there may be red flags waving that you should take note of.

But if you want to consider it, you, your DH and her should talk a lot about how you intend to handle things. Will his paternity not be mentioned until they are older? Will he play more a close uncle role (and you an aunt, maybe)? Is her parenting likely to be similar? If not, and you're close, will it grate for DH or you? Will you try and build cousin like relationships between all your children and be open about them being half siblings? Is she in a position to give them a similar lifestyle to your own children? What would DH's parents think and how would others treat them? And what happens if the child is severly disabled? Will her expectations be different? Will DH's?

Personally I think the risks are too great, but I have known a somewhat similar situation with some gay friends that have worked out well.

Regardless if your husband signed documents stating he didn't want parental responsibility etc, nothing changes the fact, the baby would be biologically his. This woman is your best friend, he would have contact with the child, that he knows is his, and that could prove extremely difficult on an emotional level for him.

Going ahead with this crazy idea, has the potential to create a huge shit show. It could end up destroying your friendship with your friend and could put your marriage under strain. It's a legal nightmare too.

I'm sure your friend has no romantic feelings towards your husband, just a desire to be a Mum. I understand she wants the sperm donor to be known to her, but actually it would be far better if he wasn't. It creates another layer of complexity, that could cause issues, if he was. In your shoes, my answer would be No. Have you discussed this with your husband? I do understand why she's asked, but to me, it's overstepped a boundary.

Totally crossing a boundary. I'd be saying no. Hoping my husband would too.

Thinking about this more, think about the child’s perspective, they will grow up without a dad. But their dad will be actually the guy that is there with his other kids at every gathering and birthday. It’s horrible for them and very cruel. One day they will find out who their dad is and that it was that guy all along. How will they feel? I’m sorry but this is just absolutely horrible unless your husband is going to split his time equally with the children and actually parent them all.

NO WAY.
Keep the lid firmly on that can of worms.

There is a huge risk that your husband would develop feelings for your friend once he sees her as the mother of his child 😣

Run for the hills.

Hard no. Sounds like some Reddit-level messiness.

She's overstepping massively.

If she is unmarried and does this outside of proper processes he is just knocking her up and has all the obligations he would have if he knocked anyone else up. This is a good summary (I know it’s LGBT but it’s the simplest version I know and has applicable info): https://www.rightsofwomen.org.uk/wp-content/uploads/2023/12/lesbian-parenting-final.pdf

Really bad idea - you may go on to have children of your own together, so having a half sibling means his paternity will always be out there, especially in days of Ancestry DNA. And if he’s a nice guy, he will actually want to be a part of this child’s life. This will complicate your marriage and your family if/when you have children of your own with him. I believe he would also be legally liable for that child as it grows up as he would not be providing the sperm anonymously via a clinic, so she could come after him for CMS etc later in life. And that child would have a RIGHT to know him.

It is absolutely incomprehensible that you would ask a married man, one who may be planning to have a family of his own one day, to donate sperm. And actually selfish and almost nasty to ask that from your best friend’s husband. How would I feel? I would feel cross that she had even asked this of me/my husband. Its shockingly self-centred. And I’d probably rethink the friendship because this will change things whatever you say now.

She should go to a sperm donation service or register with a matching service.

This would get very complicated for the reasons people have outlined. How would your DH (and you) be able to resist getting involved, given how close you all are. She asked you, and you are entitled to say no if you want to. She would surely understand if she is a true friend.

This sort of arrangement sounds lovely but there is so much that could go wrong Op. Your friend says now that she'd sign away any rights but so much can change when feelings or hardships happen, this could end up being a landmine in your marriage. I don't think your friend's reason for asking your DH holds water, I think you sees you two happy with your DC and she wants part of that, she'd find it a comfort, but it's too much Op, in years to come you could regret it very much

This!

You already have 2 kids.

You need to think how does splitting their dad's time and attention and finances with another woman and her future kids with your husband benefit your existing children?

It doesn't at all. You know that. You know your husband will be taking time and bonding with his new family. Your kids won't understand that. You'll be left out. But she doesn't care how your kids and you will feel about this.

What about schooling? University costs for more kids when you guys are trying to put away money for your kids and retirement?

I think she needs more psychiatric help, not a baby. I also think there's a little part of her that would like to see your life blow up like hers did. She would not make this request otherwise.

What if her mental health goes south again and he wants custody? Are you prepared for a costly court fight?

This has disaster written all over it.

I think it is completely unacceptable that she asked. She is living in la la land to think that this would ever be ok. You think she doesn't have romantic feelings for your husband but her request to bear his child tells me something different. This would be friendship ending for me.

see I don't even think it sounds lovely!

This!
It’s madness.

This is definitely possible - a friend's husband, before they met, fathered a child through a sperm donor relationship. The child has a serious disability. So all of my friend, her husband, and their now DC who is a teen have a relationship they could never have envisaged with this disabled young adult

It would be a hard no from me (and my DH if he wanted to stay married to me) for all the reasons already listed.

I’m also of the opinion that your friend is either not doing well (and not thinking straight) so needs to get some help, or is doing well and hugely overstepped a boundary and this would, sadly, change our relationship.

No I wouldn’t go there at all. Because your kids would be siblings whether you liked it or not. Feelings can change later on. She may want more from the husband or he may want more contact. It has potential to become emotionally messy. She needs a stranger to contribute sperm, not someone she knows. I’d say no. I hope you and your husband are on the same page.

She would have to be honest with the kid about who the father is, and since the child wouldn't have a father that could be quite damaging. It could be setting her up to where your DH is constantly abandoning or rejecting her by not taking on the role of dad, and we understand a lot more about how harmful abandonment is. I actually thing her knowing who her dad is and seeing him, but not taking on that role is worse than having a sperm donor.

She should probably see a counselor about how best to go about this. It doesn't sound like she's done much research.

And if he’s a nice guy, he will actually want to be a part of this child’s life.
@AnonyMumAuDHD

No - if he's a nice guy, he wouldn't entertain the idea, for one second, of donating his sperm to this 'friend'.