My Best Friend Asked My Husband to Be Her Sperm Donor. I Honestly Don't Know How to Feel.

[sofia67]

I'm 34, my husband is also 34, and my best friend is 34. We've been best friends since we were 5 years old. My husband joined our friend group when we were teenagers, and we've all basically grown up together. My best friend married one of our classmates, and my husband has known her just as long as I have.

My husband and I have two kids. Four years ago, my best friend's husband died in a tragic accident after they had only been married for a year. It completely changed her life. She went through severe depression, trauma, and even had suicidal thoughts. With therapy, support, and a lot of hard work, she's now doing much better and has built a great career.

Recently, she asked me something I never expected.

She wants to have a baby but doesn't want another romantic relationship. She said she doesn't want to use an anonymous sperm donor because she'd rather know the person's medical history and character. She asked if my husband would be willing to be her sperm donor.

She was very clear that she has absolutely no romantic feelings for him. She said she would raise the child on her own and is happy to sign any legal agreements stating that my husband would have no parental rights or responsibilities.

The thing is... I wasn't angry. I wasn't offended. I just felt this strange knot in my stomach that I can't explain. I honestly don't know if that's because it's crossing a boundary, because it's such a huge lifelong decision, or because I simply never imagined being asked something like this.

I'm not looking to end a friendship, and I'm not accusing anyone of having inappropriate intentions. I truly believe she's asking because she trusts us.

Just No. No ifs, but , what ifs
Just no

How many times did he donate?

This is a really good point! I would be horrified if my son did this -utterly ruinous for the wider family too.

Absolutely not!! If she wants to have children she needs to move on and find herself a new man and allow her children to have the father they deserve. She might not want to have a new romantic partner but creating children from this weird setup isn't the right thing to do. It isn't like donating blood, your husband would have biological children with someone else, you can sign all the bits of paper you like, but he will be their dad as much as he is your own children's dad. I wouldn't be thrilled she even asked.

no no no no no no no no no no no no no

NO

She can't weaponise her grief to make absurd asks like this, it's been four years.

Do not even contemplate it. That feeling in your stomach is your gut warning you this is a bad idea.

The fact that she would put you in this situation of having to say no rather than getting an anonymous sperm donor shows she is selfish in this regard and you will regret it if you agree to this nonsense.

Thats where my mind went too

She’d rather know the donor’s medical history and character? Surely you must know that her logic doesn’t stack up OP. If she goes through a reputable clinic for donor sperm, the donor’s medical history would be provided. And as for character, what does that even mean? Good character isn’t genetic. There is something quite sad and desperate about this request. Very unfair of her even to ask you.

You're much too close to this woman for this to work out.

I suspect this is what will happen.

I think the biggest problem would be that her child would presumably know your DH was his dad but I don’t know how they’d process that he’s not a dad to him like he is to your children. I think most children would see this as a rejection. It would be completely different with a sperm donor that they don’t grow up knowing.

Very interesting read thanks!

Luckily in our situation my friend has a child with her ex partner and I know she is a wonderful parent already. Her husband is the most incredible step dad and future father to their child, there won’t be an opening for a dad. We have gone over every scenario in painful detail and are aligned with everything so I am not worried but I appreciate the article.

Too AI coded for me.

No! That knot in your gut is your instincts saying no. Listen to it.

They would have a lifelong bond, he may feel obliged to be there for the birth, to help her out, to see his child, and God only knows what else.

No way, you'd be mad to agree to entering into this situation.

No one has a crystal bowl and knows how any of it would pan out for any of the characters involved.

I adopted. In my experience the importance of dna varies hugely from one person to another. Some adoptees are obsessed with it while others aren't bothered. You just don't know.

Has any one of you actually considered the children involved in this?

No way.

I'm so sorry for her loss, but her loss isn't your issue to resolve. She needs to get therapy as she is clearly still suffering badly.

This is seriously not the way to solve her problems. It's such a bad idea, I don't even know where to start.

Considering the amount of lying sperm donors at clinics I can entirely understand her problem.

If she does ever consider finding a donor, she should read up on some bad clinics - have a listen/read here. Terrifying.
https://www.bbc.co.uk/news/articles/c74v5jd5zkjo
https://www.bbc.co.uk/programmes/m002tblj

She should go to a country which doesn't allow anonymous donors, and where donations are limited to under 15 families total (not per country). Denmark's export has meant 200 kids for some donors :s

Absolutely not
Silly friend has been watching far too many soap operas if she thinks it's a good idea
Stupidity heights

No. Yet again adults deciding to put their own needs and wants ahead of children. Did she think of the implication and confusion for your children before she approached you? Clearly not. They would have a half sibling who isn't really because their "Aunty" signed a piece of paper. Yet biologically they are related.

Has she ever discussed her desire to have a child or has this come out of the blue? If it has then she is very selfish by wanting your husband to be a sperm donor.

She hasn't considered the impact on the child should there be one. Their 'Aunty' is married to their Dad and just had sex with or used the turkey baster to get their Mum pregnant. There could be legal implications if the child wanted to take action when they were older. Whose name would be listed on the birth certificate as the Dad? It cannot be hidden especially with technology and the advancements with DNA.
Please think of the impact on all the children.

I’d be livid that she even asked to be honest! She must be pretty naive to think that would work out well.

No, absolutely no way ever ever ever! There's a lot of sperm out there OP. She doesn't need your husbands sperm and she has bare faced cheek to ask! If you agree, you are just looking for trouble - you will be the person who suffers in the long term with this arrangement. Its a golden rule - Don't lend your friends money or your husbands sperm!!

I understand why she asked. She's still deep in the throes of grief, and no doubt feels like this will ensure that you both remain in her life.

But no. This would be an insane thing to do. I think it would be an insane thing for anyone to do where there is no expectation of combining families and living together. It's unfair on the child to not have regular contact with a known father who lives close by and is otherwise involved (as I assume if there's "no expectation" on your DH then it will essentially be a secret?) and it's unfair on your children to have a sibling that they either don't know is a sibling, or who they do know, but who lives elsewhere.

She will know more about an anonymous donor's medical history than your DH's so that's not a good reason. She needs to take this off the table and have some therapy. You absolutely can't do this.

Before kids and in that situation this could just about be rationalised as a reasonable request, anyone after kids knows its complexity and consequences in every direction including potentially loss of a friendship and in extremis a marriage too.

Nooooo!!!
The emotional fallout as a result could end your marriage and your friendship.
In addition your H could end up financially raising HIS child.