My Best Friend Asked My Husband to Be Her Sperm Donor. I Honestly Don't Know How to Feel.

[sofia67]

I'm 34, my husband is also 34, and my best friend is 34. We've been best friends since we were 5 years old. My husband joined our friend group when we were teenagers, and we've all basically grown up together. My best friend married one of our classmates, and my husband has known her just as long as I have.

My husband and I have two kids. Four years ago, my best friend's husband died in a tragic accident after they had only been married for a year. It completely changed her life. She went through severe depression, trauma, and even had suicidal thoughts. With therapy, support, and a lot of hard work, she's now doing much better and has built a great career.

Recently, she asked me something I never expected.

She wants to have a baby but doesn't want another romantic relationship. She said she doesn't want to use an anonymous sperm donor because she'd rather know the person's medical history and character. She asked if my husband would be willing to be her sperm donor.

She was very clear that she has absolutely no romantic feelings for him. She said she would raise the child on her own and is happy to sign any legal agreements stating that my husband would have no parental rights or responsibilities.

The thing is... I wasn't angry. I wasn't offended. I just felt this strange knot in my stomach that I can't explain. I honestly don't know if that's because it's crossing a boundary, because it's such a huge lifelong decision, or because I simply never imagined being asked something like this.

I'm not looking to end a friendship, and I'm not accusing anyone of having inappropriate intentions. I truly believe she's asking because she trusts us.

Imagine if that happened and that child was very very successful and/or exactly like your husband in every way and they had an amazing connection. I honestly believe that would damage your family.

No. Just no. She can get all the medical history and relevant information she needs through a sperm bank.

Ebroiling your family into this is just wrong on so many levels.

the fact she even asked is testament to how unwell she remains

no.

I would predict that despite this being clinical and impersonal, it's inevitable that an intimacy would develop between your DH and your friend. There would be no denying that she was carrying his child. Think about that.

Imagine coming in and they're sharing a cosy moment, counting toes or whatever. How would you feel? Like you were intruding on their intimacy?

You and your DH need to say no, without hesitation. This has disaster written all over it, mainly for you and your marriage

“ohdear2 · Today 18:09
its ok she asked
its ok you say no
you'd be watching this kid grow up looking like your hubby”

This with bells on. My DH (now well into middle age) became a sperm donor through a clinic decades ago after hearing a talk by Baroness Warnock. He was told his sperm was used so we know that our young adult DCs do have at least one or two and perhaps much older half siblings in the world. But that’s a whole different ball game to what your BF is proposing. Just see this for how it can go wrong: www.theguardian.com/lifeandstyle/2019/jun/07/my-husband-was-a-sperm-donor-now-the-mother-is-making-demands?CMP=Share_iOSApp_Other

I think it only needs discussing if there is any possibility of saying yes. I also think (tin hat on) that this is one of those circumstances where either partner in the marriage has power of veto.

What was your response when he said he wanted to do this?

Well turns out I am wrong about that. What a mind fuck.

https://www.spermdonation.nhs.uk/faqs-for-potential-donors

It's not clear whether he'd have to disclose to his wife and kids that he's donated sperm, although he has to tell the sperm bank about his existing kids.

And kids of sperm donors now have the right to seek them out.

The baby would be your husband's actual child, just the same as his children with you. Sperm isn't just an ingredient to make a baby, it's dna. You have no idea how your husband could feel about this child, how your children would feel about their half sibling, how things could pan out.

Sperm donations are usually confidential and from strangers for a reason. DIY attempts are never a good idea. Your husband would be liable for child support no matter what she says in writing - if she goes on benefits the DWP would not be interested in any deals, sorry.

Way too messy. Imagine explaining that to your kids. Why daddy has a baby with another woman. Would he be expected to be a father to the child or would she raise him alone, and what would that look like? How does he deal with seeing his child but not be a father to them? You couldn't continue the same friendship, playdates, spending time together, day trips etc. What about DHs wider family? This would be their grandchild/neice or nephew/cousin. Would they be able to not be involved in the child's life? Also children born from sperm donation have a right to their biological fathers details once they turn 18, so its not completely anonymous.

Sorry off topic but I do like your answer and it could be useful in so many conversations 😀

No way. It will be your dh’s child, your children’s half siblings. If you’re going down that route you may as well all love together and be a throuple.

Agree with both of these comments.
(edited to add by both I mean both @Aabbcc1235‘s comments and @godmum56’s.)

What has your DH said?

I think this would end in tears.
Presumably you see her a lot, and therefore your children would be seeing their half sibling regularly. It could get confusing for them knowing that their daddy has another child who lives with a different mummy. You surely would need to tell them the truth, so it's not like you could even lie as if you did and they found out that could cause a lot of conflict.

I get that she thinks this was be nice and that she trusts you all, but I think it could cause a lot of complications. There are also a lot of what it's. She might say she doesn't need money, but if she was desperate then that might change. Also what if the child was terribly ill, or had a disability. Your DH is surely not going to want to cut himself off from a child and remain detached, especially if they needed support.

@Atchamps - he did this about 15-20 years before we met. I don’t think I would have opposed it in any case but the situation here is a whole different ball game and i would definitely not agree to it.

If they have asked I can’t imagine the outcome would be any different. I wouldn’t have felt uncomfortable if it was their idea.

What has your DH said?

I think this would actually be relationship ending for me if my DH did this. Willingly fathering a child he is not going to be actively involved in parenting is completely irresponsible and I wouldn’t be able to get past it. I also wouldn’t be up for becoming a step mum to my friend’s child either.

Your friend can do what she wants ultimately but i think having a child this way is selfish and not in the child’s best interests. She is out of order trying to involve your DH

I think that details of sperm donor are only applicable if you use a registered sperm bank. They don't get involved in private arrangements. That's one of the attractions for some people.

Don’t do it. You can’t see into the future. Your dh may end up paying child support if your friends circumstances change. How will he feel knowing he has a child that he has to have nothing to do with? What happens if he doesn’t like how she is bringing up the child?

how do you explain it to your kids? What happens if you don’t and they end up getting together romantically?

no no no

Which is why I suggested not to make a hasty decision. A decision of this enormity needs careful consideration with all issues discussed.I think a hasty ‘No’ would be as much of a mistake as a hastily ‘Yes’. Maybe it’s because I’m used to making sure serious potentially life changing decisions are considered from all angles.

Its would be a no from me.
Way too messy and complicated. He will be legal father, on birth certificate.
What if she comes on hard times and wants child support?
Then the comparison between children

Sorry a friend wouldnt ask this of another friend.

I don’t think a lot of people on this thread understand how donor conceived families work. He wouldn’t be the child’s ‘daddy’,OP wouldn’t be the step mum and it is in no way comparable to being a throuple lol.

The child would likely know that OP’s husband was the donor but that isn’t the same dynamic as a parent child relationship. When someone uses a donor they know it’s often a friendly relationship, like an uncle or family friend, the same way they would already be since they’ve been friends for so long. It’s not the same as him just having a child with her best friend.

it would be a no from me too - far too close to home.

@cannibalfish - it can seem clear cut but still get very messy: https://www.theguardian.com/lifeandstyle/2019/jun/07/my-husband-was-a-sperm-donor-now-the-mother-is-making-demands?CMP=Share_iOSApp_Other

hmmm. There are things people would ask me (and I guess most people would be the same) where I would know the answer immediately and no amount of consideration and discussion would change my initial response. I suspect that for the OP, this would be one of those questions.
PS one of those questions for me would be "would you like a gin and tonic?" and the answer would vary from "no thank you" to "absolutely not" I loathe G and T