There We Are Then - part 3

[mummy917]

And another 🤣

OP you do realise that despite your 50:50 nights arrangement -you are still entitled to child maintenance payments from him! You can claim on basis that you do more that 50% of their overall care - this includes paying for their essentials, medical appointments, school appointments and drop/picks, haircuts, clubs/activities etc, .alll the things you seem to hold main responsibility for. CMS require no proof of any of this if the child benefit allowance is paid to you then they consider this proof that you are main carer. I know this from watching my partner go through this unfairly as he had a genuine 50:50 split of all care/nights but CMS only cared for taking the word of the parent with the CB payment
He is taking advantage of you financially, he ought to be held to account and CMS will do this no question!

The issue is if they then genuinely do 50:50, he has the right to counter claim the child benefit, in all likelihood they’d get two children each. OP would then not only lose the child benefit, but the UC for those two children too.

That’s weird that she came round so early, considering he was there with them too all day. If she was there before they woke, up is it possible she looked after them overnight whilst he went out?

I did wonder this also. It’s a definite possibility but not something I’ll be asking him about. I’m sure his mum will tell me when I see her next, if she feels it’s something I need to know.

im sure this is a threat he will make and may even attempt, but in reality he will never get it awarded to him (have bitter experience of this process from the paying fathers perspective, who could evidence he paid for all uniforms, school clubs, trips, dinner money, everything, ontop of 50:50 nights to no avail because CB name and registered address for school/dr remained with mum as she stayed in original family home) If CB entertain a challenge from him they will simply ask for evidence of whose address is registered for Drs, Schooling and all will point to OP, thats without using the catalogue of evidence of expenditure she has been compiling. If nervous of doing this OP could seek advice first or just go on website and read their rules., rather than letting this awful man continue taking advantage and letting her bare all financial responsibility alone

I’m sure you’ll hear lots of useful information from your DCs in the months ahead. ExHs often forget their children are little sponges for information.

It will be taken into account in the financial settlement for the divorce.

No, that is jumping the gun. @mummy917 needs to keep quiet, and keep records, until they are in court for the divorce (assuming mediation comes to nothing). She has the element of surprise if twat has no clue what she is planning.

@mummy917 Remember, this is chess and poker, not a boxing match.

IMHO, @mummy917 should not rock the boat until in court for the divorce.
At present the twat has no clue that she is keeping records of a) the money and b) his failures to keep to the 50/50 scheduled times.

It will all be sorted out in court (or in mediation if by some miracle the twat cooperates).

Note that the court can award child maintenance separately from the CMS process, and the court will also split the marital assets, taking account of the extra that OP has spent (which therefore the twat owes her).

@mummy917 it is early days yet, but are you any nearer deciding whether you want to stick with 50/50 for the long term (years to come) or whether you want to have more nights and the corresponding child maintenance?

why does he need help to look after his own children on a nomal weekend-his mother needs to start saying no shes not doing him any favours

In view of how he spoke to you a couple of weeks ago, are you still actually talking to him OP? Lots of advice on here was to do everything in writing, so you can text him any questions.

I’m continuing to keep written records of everything and anything I need to ask or clarify is done via text.

I selfishly would love the kids to be with me the majority of the time, but that’s because I miss them so much when they’re with their dad.

I’m not sure how long it’ll take his mum to be firmer with him; I’m not sure she will if I’m honest though.

Surely she’s not going to want to spend the next 16+ years raising 4 kids? I also can’t imagine her partner would put up with it.

Is she frightened of your ex? I don’t mean physically, I mean emotionally. I wonder if she carries a lot of guilt as she had him so young, probably made mistakes and does he hold these over her to get what he wants?

Right now you are only into months of being separated.

It may very well be different in one year, in five years.

I don't think his Mum realises yet that he is intending on her raising his children.

Oh, he's only going to use his mum until he lines up his next nanny girlfriend - and no one is going to warn her about that, especially not his mum, in case she scarpers and it falls back onto her.

I doubt he has thought any further than not wanting to pay any child support and his mother is free childcare and don't women like that sort of thing anyway...

It is not selfish for you to want the DC - it is what is best for them.

You know that he is deeply inadequate as a parent. He may be a 'fun dad' at times and love the kids (as much as he is capable of loving anyone except himself), and the kids may love him, but when it comes to the hard work and mental load of parenting (not to mention paying for stuff), he is just not up to it.

There will be no stability his end: the childcare will be a mixture of his mum, a girlfriend (with a new girlfriend being roped in every couple of years when the old one wises up), and him filling the gaps when he has to.

IMHO your main reason why you can't ask the court for 10 or 12 nights out of 14 (with him having them every other weekend and maybe a regular weekday) is that you need to keep your job - you will need it for decades to come.

You have about 2-3 months until court to consider what is best and what will work with your employer. That may seem ages away, or it may seem like just a few weeks - time feels a bit elastic in situations like this.
Particularly keep notes of whatever you learn about how much his mum does and how few nights he actually has them at his place.

To be fair, he’s going to struggle to line up a nanny for four kids. Sure women get hoodwinked into that stuff a lot with two…maybe even three when they are a bit glakit. But four? Good luck to him finding someone that gullible to con. At least, before the older kids are old enough to watch themselves more.

A lot of women would run a mile, and don’t forget a lot of potential partners will also have children of their own, and adding four to the mix is just plain impractical

I do have a soft spot for a ginger with a tattoo… but the 4 kids plus my own would be a step too far.

You’re all filling me with so much hope that somewhere down the line, someone would be willing to take on my 4 kids if they wanted a relationship with me 🤣

In all seriousness though, he knows I need (and want) to keep my job; he knows how hard I worked for it as we were together when I was doing my training.

I feel like 2-3 months doesn’t seem like a long time at all at the moment!

I think your two situations are very different as there’s no way you would be looking for a partner to take over the care of your children while it’s very clear that’s exactly what TWAT would be hoping for 😂😂😂

Yeah that’s very true. It would take a hell of a lot for me to let my guard down enough to have anyone else around my kids, even down the line.

Sorry I have been so rubbish at keeping up on here over the last week; work has been full on when I’ve been there and I’m trying to soak up the last week of the summer holidays too before my eldest is back at school next week and my 4 year old starts 🥹

OP there is hope. I'm a single mum to 3 and have 100% custody. I have met a wonderful man who is patient and kind and understanding. He knows I put my 3 first and fully supports that. We find time when we can and he still wants me as he wants to make it work.

@mummy917 I genuinely think men generally would be more willing to start a relationship with a mother of 4, than a woman would be to start a relationship with a man who has his 4 children, theoretically 50% of the time. As a woman, you just know a lot of the childcare is going to end up at your door, even though they aren’t your children. It’s wouldn’t be the same for any men you dated.

mummy917 You don't need to apologise for prioritising time with your DC during the end of the summer holidays. This thread, and I am sure that I am not just speaking for myself here, exists to support you not the other way around. You just need to update here when that is what you need.