There We Are Then - part 3

[mummy917]

And another 🤣

Nah it’s different because men don’t think they’ll have to do any work with another person kids. And to be fair they won’t, at least not for a few years.

Don’t worry about not updating us. The lack updates is good because it means you’re getting with life. We’re here to support you, help you see other perspectives when he throws a curved ball at you and to share our collective wisdom.

Absolutely what @meercat23 and @MachineBee said. We’re here for you, it’s not something you owe to us! 💐

No news from you I see as good news OP.
I don’t know if I mentioned this on a previous thread, but my BFF as a teenager was one of four, had a wonderful stepdad who’d had no children of his own. Her mother was strong, had a big heart like you and had a successful second marriage.
It’s quite a different situation for a woman meeting your STBXH - a father of four who offloads, is very selfish, irresponsible and unstable.

I don’t feel as if I owe you all but after all of the lovely support and help, I like to keep checking in. It became part of my day 🥰

I had an awful awful shift at work yesterday and subsequently didn’t get home till 3:30 this morning but the kids are back home and I am feeling very happy xx

That is a lovely story! It sounds like her mum got the amazing happiness she always deserved!

'and subsequently didn’t get home till 3:30 this morning'

and at what time did he decide you were to collect the children - as it's a Friday and he always has plans...

The kids were home by 8:15. I did message him when I was home from work, asking him to drop them off a bit later if possible and explained why in a text, but he just said “you were on day shift, I will be there between 8 and 9”, so I set my alarm for 7:30 so I had time for a quick shower before the kids came back.

@mummy917 Please don't worry about updates, people only checking in to see if you are OK x
Have a great weekend with your lovely little ones x

so 1.45 hours early as I thought it is 10am on Fridays

another amount of less 50/50 time again

Oh my god, he's such a dick! You should have messaged to ask if he would actually drop them off on time for once, nevermind a bit later on.

When I asked him to drop them off later than usual, it was implied that it would be after 10am. After my shift yesterday, I don’t have it in me to get into kind of conflict with him.

So once again he hasn’t kept to the 10am drop off that HE wanted and agreed to. Just keep making a note, OP.

I think with you providing uniform, potties and mattresses etc, and him not bearing his share of expenses, it is clear you are still the primary parent. This isn’t 50/50 at all. And I don’t think you should tell him until you are in mediation and you show you’re still the primary parent and he should pay you money for the children. It’s not just about the number of nights.

It gives you leverage for more time with them as well.

It sounds like he's just decoded make it a tradition to always drop off at 8 am so that he can claim that was what happened in practice and so he just stuck by that.
Definitely worth texting to say that... 10.00 am was the time you agreed. Why did you drop them at 8.15

Also the wording... You did a day shift I will drop at etc.. So bloody controlling. He's horrible.

Knob! Is he trying to imply you were fibbing about the shift finishing time by saying it was a day shift? or is he saying he can drop them whenever he likes. He's such a twat.

I hope today is better for you @mummy917 x

Edited due to predictive text not liking the word "twat" 😄 - it's one of my favourite words, along with "knob-end", which also applies to the ginger whinger.

I think you have to start getting tougher about the 10am drop off. Hard though it is, I'd pretend to be out and refuse to open the door until 10. He's absolutely taking the piss and I think you do need to nip that in the bud now.

Great that you've got "I'll drop them between 8 and 9" in writing. When you've got the energy, I'd be tempted to send a "why did you drop them off at 8.15am when agreed time is 10am" type text, just to have it written down that you aren't agreeing to this. It would be interesting to see if he responded and what he would say.

This should have been settled weeks ago. No more feing accommodating. Drop off is 10 am. End of. This has made my blood boil. Twat.

For a few weeks could you sleep overnight at your parents on a Thursday into Friday? Only return to your house for 9:50? That would help break his habit and sense of entitlement.

I think you just have to keep saying the plain truth, it isn’t arguing just correcting/stating facts ‘yes, it was supposed to be a day shift but in this case I was unable to leave before 0330. As I don’t do an office job I don’t have much flexibility’ @mummy917

I’m not sure what he was trying to imply, but yes probably that I was lying or something along the lines. It’ll probably be tomorrow once I’ve had some sleep, that I feel up to facing sending him a message about the 10am drop off again. It’s becoming boring and predictable now.

Just remember that these texts not agreeing to the earlier drop off etc are not really for him, they are evidence, to show you are not agreeing, you are trying to stick to what HE wanted and agreed to and HE is the dick.

I agree with this, he is constantly pushing and relying on you not having the energy to fight back but its becoming clear that he has zero intention of either helping you out ever or sticking to 10am on a Friday so I think a line has to be drawn somewhere

This is a good idea, make sure you arent available until 10am. He is like a dog that needs training, he needs to learn if he says drop off is 10am it doesnt mean any time he fancies before 10am

This. And I think sleeping at your mums Thursday nights when he has
drop off is a great idea. Just do that for a while, and send him a Wednesday reminder ‘This is your fortnightly reminder that as per your suggested schedule, your agreed drop off is 10am Friday. I will not be available earlier. Please schedule all tattoos, haircuts, car services etc after 10. If you want to pretend you’re an awesome dad while avoiding all parenting and responsibility you will need a wife