There We Are Then - part 3

[mummy917]

And another 🤣

Thing is I doubt what she said was even that bad, but it’s somehow had a huge impact on him though to warrant voicemails, and multiple texts. Has he calmed down now and stopped texting? You do have to wonder why he cares so much about what she thinks. Most people wouldn’t let in get to them so much if they genuinely thought they were in the right. It would be water off a ducks back. He’s spiralling and not coping at all well with the pressure of the split.

I’m team OP’s mum too! I would find it very hard to stand by and watch him treat you so badly without saying something to him. Of course, it won’t help and will have stirred him up hearing some home truths.

Now is the time to invoke grey rock and ignore any messages that are nasty or not about the DCs. It’s definitely a skill to be able to only answer certain messages though!

In terms of books, do you have a library card? If you do, you should be able to get an online log in to download digital books, audiobooks, magazines and newspapers. I save so much money doing so and if I don’t like the book, I just return it and get another.

You are an amazing woman, I obviously don’t know you but I am so proud of you, and all the people behind the comments on here are offering such great advice.
Books - I love an easy read you can get into, the Thursday Murder Club books are great, and We solve Murders also by Richard Osman. Richard Coles writes a great mystery also. I have also recently read read Oh Miriam (Margolyes) which is a brilliant read, in fact half way through it I switched to the audio book as I love her voice. I also love the Discworld series by Terry Pratchett. Hope you find something you love x

Not necessarily.

If there are issues of communication that can become he said/she said, with only selective texts/WA's etc presented to court, the judge can order the app to be used. So the court can then see all of the communications in context if it goes back to court at a later date.

I know someone this happened to. Totally blew apart the ex's "She is a bitch who is trying to alienate my kids from me" when it turned out that he never turned up for contact but didnt want a maintenance order written into the divorce (better than CMS if you can get it and if I was the OP's lawyer I would be applying for it on the basis of him restricting her earning potential).

I think as tempting as it is to respond, the complete lack of response will drive him nuts because he cant argue with himself and you will know its annoying him. Really I would avoid any conversations in person or on the phone as much as you can and keep any messages, short brief and to the point with only essential information and ignore everything else, if he sends a wall of text just ignore.

Eventually he will get the hint but it may take a while for him to grasp that you no longer respond if he shouts in person, you no longer pick up the phone and that you only respond with practical information needed and nothing else.

I hope you have a lovely relaxing night away

I would drop the ‘well he used to stay at yours regularly overnight’ into conversation when a suitable opportunity appears. I would say it in a matter of fact way, maybe say it’s lovely that he felt he could turn to her for support when he was struggling and it’s good he has local family to turn to. Don’t say it in a nasty way ofc.

I doubt he was at hers.

Control = people expecting me to do stuff I should do without being reminded. It’s on the TWAT bingo sheet.

As for your mum’s texts. He cares because he’s losing control of the narrative. If anyone’s into control it’s him. Controlling your hours of work, what people think about him, the hours he has the kids, he wants to control his mothers time, what your mother thinks. If there is another woman he was controlling your narrative, your access to YOUR truth, your ability to make an informed decision.

He will be pissed as his good guy mask has slipped with your mother and his own mother. And if there is a woman in the wings maybe loves young dream isn’t so great either.

I couldn't help scrolling back to write down some of the book recommendations as its usually in one ear and out the other otherwise.

But it did occur to me that There We Are Then would make a cracking title for a contemporary detective novel. 😂

@DuckbilledSplatterPuff About a detective searching for a man missing in action every Friday…

No I haven’t heard any more from him since the last message yesterday afternoon but I had already stopped responding by that point.

I always thought if another woman presents herself, whether it’s now or months and months down the line, that it’d be something I wouldn’t be able to get over. I still think I’ll be really hurt when it does happen, but the more he behaves like this, the more often I now think to myself that I’d not have much envy for her.

@mummy917 Hopefully the texts about your mum have ended but if he starts them up again tell him to text your mum not you, this is between the two of them. They are both adults, and whether it was appropriate or not, you are not his whipping boy and he can't berate you for someone else's actions.

Regards the extra shifts and childcare. If you are receiving UC then you need to be aware that working the extra shifts could place you in a precarious financial position and perhaps you should consider your wellbeing during this period.

If you pay extra for the nursery on a Friday UC will contribute to that costs and that means that you are not asking for financial recompense for the whole day cost from your Ex and may choose to absorb it yourself if it suits you.

Even though you are supposed to be 50/50 you are still carrying a lot of the mental load for this shared care and you do this for your children and it may reduce as time progresses. Meanwhile you are doing amazing, there are no instructions on how to navigate this rollercoaster.

Be kind to yourself picking up extra shifts may distract you, however they may not be as beneficial financially or mentally while you are juggling this change,

I’d stick a bow on his head and be thankful that someone else sees him as a gift because you are well rid of him x

Re reading suggestions, there's an author called Julia Chapman who has written a really enjoyable series about The Dales Detective Agency. Similar 'cosy crime' vibes as Richard Osman. All set in the Yorkshire Dales:

https://www.amazon.co.uk/stores/Julia-Chapman/author/B01MS82K22?ref=sr_ntt_srch_lnk_1&qid=1787036716&sr=8-1&shoppingPortalEnabled=true&gridFormat=paperback&gridSort=popularity

She also writes as Julia Stagg, and has another series called The Fogas Chronicles, which is set in the French Pyrenees. Lighthearted and funny.

https://www.amazon.co.uk/s?k=The+Fogas+Chronicles&i=stripbooks&crid=4QKUNS9HZQI6&sprefix=the+fogas+chronicles%2Cstripbooks%2C128&ref=nb_sb_noss

Enjoyable and entertaining, often touching, but nothing heavy.

I remember my my Mum doing something similar when I separated - this was via email and well before WhatsApp etc - my ex was affronted too and told her that I would not approve and then complained to me. I more or less did what you did and said it was nothing to do with me. He blocked her emails then, so she printed them off and posted them to him. Yes, it's very odd how bothered he was about losing my parents' approval. Honestly, what do they expect will happen?

@fridgegrazer "He blocked her emails then, so she printed them off and posted them to him."

I proper cackled at that.

Long time reader but haven't posted so sorry if this has been mentioned already. Please remember to change your beneficiary for your death in service benefit with the NHS. You dont want him getting his grubby hands on it if the worst was the happen. Please also get a new Will sorted. You're doing amazing x

if he mentions another woman you say ‘finally, does that mean you’re going to stop making up reasons to drop the kids back early so she doesn’t realise you’re a performance parent?’

When is the best time to pull the trigger so to speak and get the courts involved? Will they only care about his abusive messages if he reneges on the 50/50 or can you go to court to apply for safer communication/mediation to facilitate the 50/50?

I don't have any experience in this area so I might be massively naive and that you need months of evidence for any case. It just feels unfair that he can try to control and verbally abuse you and you have to wait for him to start reducing hours before you get some court-backed support.

Nothing to add to all the fabulous advice upthread - just wishing you a lovely hotel stay at the weekend, OP. You are awesome and you have so earned this!

Give me six months to finish the current one and I'll see what I can do.😏🙂

Fabulous! I look forward to it. @orangehandles 😄

I must say I quite envy @mummy917 's hotel getaway with a great reading list.
Hope you have a lovely time x

Here's another of my favourites from BBC Sounds, which has a Whodunnit Section.
A Charles Paris mystery - A Deadly Habit staring Bill Nighy, which is very entertaining.

Also... OP have you got a good walking soundtrack? Recently made one with some very energetic tracks on it and it's very uplifting and makes the walk an extra pleasure. Reminds me of the mix tape/cd era.

This has ended me today 😂oh god can you imagine if we could pay the tattoo artist off to write TWAT on him or something. Brilliant.

In all seriousness though, while it's lovely that your mum has your back, she's really not done you any favours there. I get that she's probably had all these feelings about him and she just wanted to let rip at him, but all it's achieved is getting you a load of extra abuse from him. Before doing anything like that again, she really needs to think about what the outcome might be and if anything positive is actually going to come from doing it.

I quite fancy him having’There We Are Then’ tattooed around a scrawny bicep.💪

Absolutely! Sorting out my plans for 'in the eventuality....' was first on my 'to do' once I left and knew that he was never going to get sober. Unfortunately here (California) the laws surrounding community property meant I had to wait until our separation was finalized. I got it done in record time after it was.

We none of us like to think of these things, but they're very important and if not done can lead to unfortunate consequences.

FWIW, when a friend with a young child did her planning she realized that her waste of space ex would likely have custody of their son. So she set up a separate financial guardian (me) who would control any inheritance, insurance payout, and any monthly benefits. It was never needed but she was hopeful that if he realized he'd have to go through me to get money he'd lose interest in custody of their son.

I’m sorry he is taking out his displeasure at being called out on you.
You carry on deflecting. If required.
But she is probably the only “adult” that has told him a few home truths.
He is uncomfortable with the knowledge that people know he has behaved appallingly.
Good.