There We Are Then - part 3

[mummy917]

And another 🤣

The ring thing is the only thing that makes me think there isn’t a OW because surely if there was he’d have removed his ring pretty sharpish.

My guess is that he’s racking up debts left right and centre, hence the do not ignore message. I wouldn’t bother telling him about the letter, just pass it over on Wednesday.

I’d give him one more reminder to get his mail forwarded & ensure his address has been changed for everything, then start returning to sender. I do think he’s floundering financially, and I’d want to be sure that nothing to do with him is linked to your address. I’m actually starting to pity the sad scrote. He’s lost without you and will be doubly so when his mum wises up.

I wouldn't even give it to him, he has had long enough to change his address on everything. I would write not known at this address under the address and put it back in a post box

It’s very easy to change your mailing address.
This man calls OP controlling, and then has no basic manners when it comes to running his life.
He is trying to play her and now his mother - he is shameless.
I would be tempted to set his mail on fire but after that warning last night…..
However, information is power. OP has more of that now than she had a few days ago.

£1000 fine for not changing your driving license address, V5, and his motor insurance can be rendered null.

@mummy917 I’ve been following all of your threads, silently cheerleading.
I’m so impressed with how you have handled everything.
If you read your comments on your original thread, look how far you have come, whilst Twatoo has gone backwards.

It is possible to co-parent children amicably. It takes time but works when the children’s needs are put first. I speak from experience, although it hasn’t always been easy.

You children will always remember what you have done for them. They may not know it now, but trust me, they will thank you for it later.

Keep going strong.

I do understand all the posters saying to @mummy917 not to arrange Friday childcare.
I was assuming that the nursery would not accept an every-other-Friday booking, so it would be all Fridays or none. Which means if OP did need to work Thursday nights for the money, it would have to mean paying for nursery every Friday.

The suggestion that OP asks his mother to pay half has two purposes: one to actually help financially, and two to signal to her that her son is a complete dickhead who is ducking out of his responsibilities. That would trigger the difficult "conversation" between her and her son, which would move the situation along nicely.

Another consideration is the long term future - if nursery places are like gold dust in that area, it may be a case of seizing the slot as soon as it is available. Assuming the 50/50 falls apart and OP gets an agreement for more nights in court, more childcare will need to be lined up and ready. The mediation-plus-court process will be in about November or December, which is only a few months away.

Of course in theory dickhead should pay his half, and OP should not bail him out. But the reality is that he won't actually pay his half - it will need to be deducted from his share of the financial settlement, if his mother does not pay.

However @mummy917 , your alternative of simply not working nights every other Thursday is also a valid strategy - you will present evidence to the court of his refusal to facilitate you earning, therefore you need more maintenance from him and/or a bigger share of the assets when they are split.

(Don't forget that court-ordered maintenance is a separate thing from CMS calculated maintenance, though I believe CMS can be used to enforce a court order; check with your solicitor at the time)

To use a metaphor, this is not a boxing match. It is not about scoring points now. It is a combination of chess and poker: what is needed is strategic long-term thinking with a blank face that gives away no clues.

Honestly, I'd have mentioned to his mum that you're still waiting for him to reimburse you for beds, shoes, school uniforms, potties, etc ... and that you're amazed he also has the money for a £400 tattoo session.

If he hasn’t put a mail redirection service in place by now, more fool him. Any mail from now on needs marking ‘return to sender, not at this address’ and putting in postbox.

This is another opportunity for you to step away from being the person who has to organise everything! Time to push the responsibility back where it ought to lie.

To what end?
That is boxing-match thinking, not chess thinking.

Maybe ... but it might also get her thinking about what he's actually like (all about himself) and how much she's shoring up his time instead of him having is own children just to get one over on her children's mother

I'd give them his new address 🤷‍♀️

I wouldn't involve his mum at all. She either knows what he's like and accepts it or doesnt know because he's her son. Nothing good will come of bad mouthing him to his mum. I think mummy917 is doing really well. We can all offer advice but we aren't living her exact life.

I’ve stuck not at this address on the envelope, he obviously hasn’t sorted out changing his address on much.

Great start @mummy917 now pop it in your nearest postbox!

Great. Keep on returning to sender.

#notyourslacktopickup

OK, so it would be an extension of the strategy to trigger that conversation between dickhead and his mother.
But it has the disadvantage of giving away too much information. OP does not need to let on to MIL that she is keeping track of all this. A simple request for help with the nursery fees would be enough to trigger the conversation, without letting either of them know too much.

The aim being to catch him totally off guard in mediation/court, and so get the settlement which OP wants, i.e. she has far more nights, and he has fewer nights and has to pay maintenance.

Edited to add that of course the purpose of triggering a conversation between dickhead and his mother is to collapse her Friday support for him, so that he has to either actually do the childcare (unlikely), or make some requests of OP for ad-hoc cover, generating more evidence for court.

Op just catching up on this thread after following the others and can I just say you’re totally awesome.
The holiday would have been so tough and I think you’re right in thinking that destination has been done now and time to move onto somewhere else which is not tainted him.
The nursery for the Friday is a good idea, I know it makes you feel awful to pop them in but you cannot have all your weekends off taken up with night shifts, he is being a total arse (which we knew he would be) if nursery don’t have any space is there a registered childminder near by?
I use a childminder even now my smallie is at school and she is great at doing adhoc pick ups and stepping in when things go awry.
So his Mum has started to put her foot down too, good!
She must be so disappointed in how her son turned out, I’d be mortified if any behaved like it when grown.
There is no way he is genuinely happy, anyone who was so happy at being alone wouldn’t waste time trying to put a spanner in the works, belittle/talk over you etc they would just be cracking on with everything.
I doubt you’ll get half back for the school uniforms but at least you have proof he hasn’t paid so far.
Good job you’re on the ball, imagine trying to shop for uniform/shoes at the end of the month when schools start back the first week of September.
You’re well rid of him, feel sad in the moment when it gets too much but know you are so much better without him in your corner xx

Just thought have you updated the electoral roll with the council?

Have you checked the various credit report agencies to make sure you’re no longer linked? You can put a note on your file to say you are no longer linked financially in any way.

I wonder if the ring is to mess with you, is it one he can easily take off? Regarding not telling his Mum, it doesn't fit his narrative as the hard done by man who was forced to leave his controlling wife. His lack of telling her anything shows how much he's trying to control how he is perceived which is more evidence that all of his shitty comments to you are to continue to paint you as a the bad guy.

@mummy917 he’s probably still wearing the ring because he has told his mates ( if he has any) and colleagues that you’ve kicked him out and he’s desperate to reunite the family . It gets him the sympathy vote . Knob

But are you financially disadvantaging yourself by not working that night shift? Because if you are, then IMHO that's almost no difference than paying for 'his' Friday childcare. You're still 'saving' him by 'hurting' yourself.

So yes, it may be the 'simplest' way to solve this, but is it actually the best way? The way that actually is more advantageous to you? Especially since he's bound and determined not to give you one red cent to help you with the children's expenses.

I'm not saying that you are doing the 'wrong thing', not at all. Just that whatever you do, do it for you. Not to make life easier for him.

I did this to my Ex when he moved out - he continued to have his vehicles and insurance to the family home. Return to Sender. He absolutely exploded at me when the insurance contacted him as it was going to be more expensive where he'd moved to (spare room in friends house); also, the friends didn't declare to the Council he was living there as it would affect their disability benefits with an income from his rent. He did have a redirection set up for a while, but you can only do that for a set period. I mean, he could have been applying for credit cards using the home address, loans etc. Told him this. But no, I was the bad guy in messing with his stuff.

I wonder if he’d just left his mum so needed her to see it and just forgot it was still on when he got round to ops.

Not to say it couldn’t be some weird mind game.

Funnily enough my first instinct was that he might be having regrets and be thinking to suggest trying again cause his life has gone down the pan solo. But I don’t think he sounds like he’s at that point yet.

I’d write his new address on the post that comes to you. Well, the bills anyway.

And no way would I be letting him put through 50/50 on the divorce based on your updates. Because he’s not doing it.

Don’t financially inconvenience yourself in any way for him anymore. If it costs you to give up Thursday night shift then don’t. Let him and his mum work it out between themselves.