There We Are Then - part 3

[mummy917]

And another 🤣

It isn't left to you to sort out...you are choosing to sort it out.
He needs to sort out the Friday and find some alternative arrangements if his mum says no.
If he expects you to sort it out, tell him to speak to the nursery and if there is availability, he can pay for it.

As I said before I think he’s working on Fridays hence the early morning drop off attempts. I think he doesn’t want to say in case his higher earnings mean he pays some maintenance (which is possible even with 50:50 if they earn enough).

I agree.

@mummy917 He has exhausted any goodwill he had with you and his mum, by treating you both like unpaid staff.

So bearing that in mind, every single time either of you sort stuff like this out for him, the less chance there is of him pulling his socks up and sorting himself out. He needs to feel the consequences of his actions. The kids won't suffer, which is the most important thing, and you have all of the proof you need that this is what he wanted and not only agreed to, but actually offered. So Li'l Miss Friday Morning will have to suck it up, as will he.

Agree - not your job to sort any of this. You’ve spoken to work and ensured you will never need to ask him to drop them later than your agreed time on your weekends. His weekends are his problem to sort, not yours - and that includes addressing the unfairness of him pressuring his mother. That’s for her to deal with. If she can’t stand up to him, that is not your problem. The fact that she didn’t help with the kids when you were together but is doing so now you’re not together gives us a clue as to why he seemed to think parenting was a woman’s job (and/or why he throws his toys out of the pram when a woman refuses to bend to his will). You’re doing your bit. Let them do theirs - it’s for his mum to decide whether doing her bit is doing his parenting for him, or finally teaching him that it’s not the job of the females in his life to do his adulting for him.

This …
It’s clear from your posts that you are a kind hearted fixer but as you are beginning to recognise, it isn’t always right that you take this role.
It will be hard, but it’s time to start taking a step back and if there is slack, you let others pick it up. If they don’t, then that’s ok, it’s not up to you to step in.
If it’s his Friday, then it’s his role to ensure that his children are looked after. If his mum (wisely) also learns to say no, then it’s his job to arrange an alternative solution. Don’t be offering her ideas about nursery etc, it’s not your job. It’s not hers, either. It’s HIS!

Dont forget @mummy917 HE WANTED THIS.

By doing all the problem solving, you are taking his freedom away from him!! The freedom to.....parent his kids, juggle work and childcare, be an independent adult, take the consequences.

Do you really want to be the "controlling bitch" who takes all that freedom away from him?!

Obviously I am joking but it might help if you reframe it in your head that way. That you not stepping in is giving him exactly what he wants, his freedom.

This.

Apologies for posting again but you really are choosing to do this.

As much as he is an utter idiot, he isn't actually asking for your input or advice on his days with the kids.

You have stepped in and made tentative nursery plans for his days, of which he is unaware. Can you not see how this comes across as incredibly controlling.

For him to step up and be the dad you want him to be, you need to step back and leave him to work it out himself.

I dont understand why you are covering his time? Surely this is for him to sort? So you are not only dealing with childcare for his time but also paying for it? This is why he is so useless, because between you and his mum, he knows someone else will pick up the slack.

Honestly I wouldn't at all, his mum will eventually get fed up with it and he will HAVE to parent but obviously not if you jump in and rescue him by sorting childcare AND paying it. You are showing him that he can be flaky as you will sort it.

I am just struggling to understand your logic here. I know you are thinking about the kids but you need to think about you and the long term here too.

I agree with this so much, you keep bridging the gaps and he never suffers any consequences, always you. You need to let him fail and stop bailing him out.

I think the minute the divorce s finalised, he will drop the 50/50 it may be gradual...
As he knows @mummy917 will have to keep paying out for solicitors / return to Court then he will have the children again 50/50 then he will drop it again and the cycle will continue.

Bloody hell, his poor mum. He has no regard for anyone but himself.

You can’t afford it op, you need to fund your and your kids life. There is going to be so much it’s too hard to get him to contribute for, because He. Does. Not. Care. Do not book childcare for Fridays. Stick to the arrangement. Leave him to negotiating with his mum, you must not step up to protect her. She’s said no, he’s discovering fucking around and finding out. This is how you end up in a better place, where you’re not broke and he doesn’t take the piss with everything, all the time, so you have zero coping time. If he doesn’t want Fridays he can pay maintenance. If he doesn’t want 50/50 he can pay maintenance. The kids won’t thank you for enabling him to be a shit. They need him to be a dad who knows sometimes he has to be there for them, and that will be most probable to happen if you and his mum insist that he be accountable for his children.

@mummy917

I'm just echoing the others. You figure out what addition care you need and that's all. He can take care of himself. Please don't 'bail him out' by arranging and paying for it. I know you may think it's the 'right thing to do' but all you'd be doing is showing him (once again) that he doesn't need to 'step up' to his responsibilities because you will step up for him. How will he ever learn to be a responsible parent if he never has to do any of the actual 'mental load' of parenting himself? And so much the better if he has to pay for it. The only way he'll learn is to be hit where it hurts, in the pocketbook.

Let him and his mother figure things out. She's the one he's actually imposing on. And if the end result is that he 'can't' do 50/50 so much the better for you, because then you can claim maintenance which will pay for the additional childcare you may need.

Cannot agree more with the recent PPs

Please do not step in with sorting childcare on his time, or any of his other nonsense - your work aren’t scheduling you a Thursday night on your time so you don’t need to.

and keep on not being around on a Friday am to let him drop off early - this is so important..

Thank you, I have taken everything said on board and will just not be doing another night shift on the Thursdays when they come back to me for the weekend. It’s the simplest way to solve this.

@mummy917

Kindly OP, this. Such an easy trap to fall into after being trained for years, and with your natural nature, but this.

His Fridays are for him to problem solve when his mum has had enough.

Glad you had the little chat with her. Sensible to keep it minimal, just enough to be helpful.

You’re doing great!! Have a lovely weekend!

I assume you get paid more for doing a night shift and that the difference in earnings, affected by his failure to stick to the agreed arrangement, will be mentioned when finances are discussed.
He is so busy focusing on himself that he cannot see the long term good for all of you.

Dont forget HE WANTED THIS.

Yep - keep this in mind, OP

I thought it was slightly strange when Twattoo was cross with OP for filing for divorce and hadn’t immediately removed his wedding ring on leaving - but I just put it down to a control thing, although you’d think he’d be thrilled he hadn’t had to pay for the filing. However the fact he hasn’t told his Mum the divorce is in progress is weird. You’d definitely think that’s something you’d mention, especially as he instigated the split. He’s definitely a strange one.

I suspect as someone suggested that he is not keen on his mum realising this is an arrangement which will run for several years. He’s probably asked her to help out while he gets everything sorted. And I’d also bet he’s blaming OP for him having to have the kids so much and saying or at least suggesting that this is something she has insisted on.

I dread to think what he has told his mum.
Probably only for three weeks while he trained for the SAS or you went to controlling wife school.

Op, you are getting some brilliant advice on these threads. I'm so pleased you are stepping back from arranging his Fridays. Don't give him fuel

Any update on the parking fine? Was that for a Friday? These clues will all add up eventually.

I do hope you are feeling stronger. Remember how he really is. The worst thing you could possibly do is take him back when he decides he's not getting what he expected elsewhere.

It is strange he hasn’t told his mum about the divorce being in progress. She did look taken aback yesterday and even more so when I told her I was the one who filed. I said purely because it’s what he wanted and is now what I also want, so there was no point in waiting around.

He still had his wedding ring on on Wednesday when I dropped our son’s rugby boots off to him.

I don’t know what’s happened with the parking fine, it’s none of my business. Another letter came for him yesterday though, which said don’t ignore in the little envelope window so it could potentially be related to that.

What are you doing with the mail for him? I'd give it to his mum so she can see too 😃

“Not known at this address”

So glad you have listened to the advice here and stepped back from arranging his Fridays this would only have backfired on you & reinforce his view of you being controlling. Try & have a good weekend you deserve it