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Original poster

There We Are Then - part 3

993 replies

mummy917 · 02/08/2026 19:20

And another 🤣

OP posts:
Thread gallery
5
Intrigued20 · 14/08/2026 19:20

This fucking tattoo. I hope it’s hideous. He annoys the life out of me and I don’t know him. You just keep being you, you are doing great.

Doubledutchbuss · 14/08/2026 19:38

I would say though…. Don’t trust his mum. At the end of the day she will have to take his side.

but feed her enough information that she can make up her own mind!

Pessismistic · 14/08/2026 19:52

Hi op why is it you having to sort out nursery when he just needs to act like a bloody father. Will the nursery be on your dime? Has he even paid you for anything you have paid our since his departure. I really feel for you going through all this shit all because twattoo wasn’t happy. Boo hoo.

Original poster
mummy917 · 14/08/2026 20:08

I’m not saying too much to her, I haven’t told her a lot. Mainly just that the divorce is in progress; I didn’t tell her that he hasn’t paid a penny towards it. I haven’t mentioned anything about mattresses etc.

The nursery will be on my time on my Fridays and in his time on his Fridays, it’s not what I want but we both agreed that a Thursday night shift for me was feasible and he would just keep them till lunchtime on the rare occasion I would be working. I am so glad my matron has been understanding and said she wouldn’t roster me in for anymore nights unless it’s my weekend without the kids. I wouldn’t have considered the nursery for extra childcare on a Friday and would’ve just been happy with them not giving me nights on the week it’s my weekend, but now that I know his mum has been having them on his Fridays too, I don’t feel it’s fair on her at all and she doesn’t deserve to get the shit off him for saying no.

OP posts:
Lostpassporthelp · 14/08/2026 20:13

@mummy917 do you think he’ll agree to paying extra nursery fees for the Friday on his weeks?

Original poster
mummy917 · 14/08/2026 20:15

Lostpassporthelp · 14/08/2026 20:13

@mummy917 do you think he’ll agree to paying extra nursery fees for the Friday on his weeks?

Probably not. I really don’t want them going to nursery another day of the week if I’m honest, but I don’t know what else to do if this is what he’s doing with the Fridays. I have no idea how to navigate it because he will not give up his “50/50”.

OP posts:
Pessismistic · 14/08/2026 20:15

Hi op but his Fridays are not your problem if he asks his mother that’s on him. Op yes you want to do what’s best for your kids I get that but your also enabling him to dump and run. Remember all of this was his choice he needs to keep the children as his no.1 priority just like you do. If you keep bending to suit him you are just making his life easier not yours or the kids. You have 16 years of this crap do you really want to keep enabling his demands.

Original poster
mummy917 · 14/08/2026 20:21

Pessismistic · 14/08/2026 20:15

Hi op but his Fridays are not your problem if he asks his mother that’s on him. Op yes you want to do what’s best for your kids I get that but your also enabling him to dump and run. Remember all of this was his choice he needs to keep the children as his no.1 priority just like you do. If you keep bending to suit him you are just making his life easier not yours or the kids. You have 16 years of this crap do you really want to keep enabling his demands.

No I absolutely don’t want to keep having to change things around because he isn’t stepping up. I don’t know how much more wiggle room work will allow and I also don’t want to seem like I’m taking the mick either. I don’t want to push their compassion further still.

If he’d said from the start that he’d be an every other weekend dad, then I’d have sorted everything out then accordingly with childcare and my working pattern. Probably my own fault for thinking he’d stick to it and want to spend that time with the kids.

OP posts:
Lostpassporthelp · 14/08/2026 20:24

mummy917 · 14/08/2026 20:15

Probably not. I really don’t want them going to nursery another day of the week if I’m honest, but I don’t know what else to do if this is what he’s doing with the Fridays. I have no idea how to navigate it because he will not give up his “50/50”.

Show quote history

I know it’s horrible but I’d let his mother deal with it. She is starting to stand up to him so personally I’d let her get on with it. Her setting boundaries and actually sticking to them is the fastest way to get him to actually step up and take responsibility. Hopefully going forward she will draw a clear line that she won’t be covering his Fridays. Is she looking after the children at weekends at all?

Mix56 · 14/08/2026 20:25

Don't pay for nursery on his Fridays, he won't pay you back.
Could you tell his mother though, that there is a slot for them if she is unable to take the kids on, but he will have to pay, as he is already negging on the times he insisted on, & refuses to pay for the matresses/potties/ & probably his share of school uniform etc.
I would also say in passing, that he isn't working on Fridays, so why he can't take care of his own children is a mystery !

Pessismistic · 14/08/2026 20:31

mummy917 · 14/08/2026 20:21

No I absolutely don’t want to keep having to change things around because he isn’t stepping up. I don’t know how much more wiggle room work will allow and I also don’t want to seem like I’m taking the mick either. I don’t want to push their compassion further still.

If he’d said from the start that he’d be an every other weekend dad, then I’d have sorted everything out then accordingly with childcare and my working pattern. Probably my own fault for thinking he’d stick to it and want to spend that time with the kids.

Show quote history

It’s not your own fault though it’s on him being such a selfish twat I just think if his mum can help him let her. Op if you sort nursery out for Fridays he will probably introduce a new rule he basically wants you to bow down to him so he has all the control but he can’t have it when there is a working mum and 4 kids and schools and nurseries involved it’s not just about him and his happiness. There is going to be 13 weeks a year school holidays he can’t expect you to sort them all out. Once twins leave nursery then what. He has to accept you don’t get much freedom with 4 children he’s getting what he asked for 50/50.

Original poster
mummy917 · 14/08/2026 20:31

She never said that she’s ever had the kids on his weekends and I think she would’ve if she was having them.
I will mention to her about the potential of nursery on a Friday but there’s nothing she will be able to say or do either, to make him pay for anything, including nursery or anything else that is still outstanding.

OP posts:
DuckbilledSplatterPuff · 14/08/2026 20:32

I dont think its a bad thing if he's nagging his mum to have the kids. You've been considerate to her and that's a good thing. I think you said she understands that you need to work and its better for everyone if you do.

I think she's going to give him a talking to about this soon and she's in a better position to do so and he will quickly come unstuck if he starts giving her the same shit he has with you.

If his behaviour is inconsiderate and annoying to his mum. Let him.

She knows you are more accomodating. I think she can see you are all about the kids, he is all about his "free time" .
She's helping him out atm because of his sob story what ever that is, but its getting old now, especially as he has the day off work that day... so in her view why is he dumping? His actions are now beginning to speak louder than his words, even with his mum.

Obviously you have to do what's right for the children, but I don't think you have to go out of your way to protect him from annoying his mum. If his behaviour is making both you and his mum go the extra mile, he should feel the consequences of that (provided the DC are ok of course) because he doesn';t have to operate like this and it might actually wake him up. He chooses to. Because he's selfish.

She was shocked he hadn't told her about the divorce. perhaps because he said this is just whilst we sort things out (translation.. this is just whilst I establish 50;50 to avoid paying maintenance and after that I can do what I like) and perhaps she's now realising that this is more permanent than she was led to believe? Just my speculation of course.

I do agree with the other pps who have said we've never met him but he's bloody annoying.

DuckbilledSplatterPuff · 14/08/2026 20:34

Also. Why can't he even sort out the damn potties.

StandingDeskDisco · 14/08/2026 20:35

mummy917 · 14/08/2026 20:21

No I absolutely don’t want to keep having to change things around because he isn’t stepping up. I don’t know how much more wiggle room work will allow and I also don’t want to seem like I’m taking the mick either. I don’t want to push their compassion further still.

If he’d said from the start that he’d be an every other weekend dad, then I’d have sorted everything out then accordingly with childcare and my working pattern. Probably my own fault for thinking he’d stick to it and want to spend that time with the kids.

Show quote history

If he’d said from the start that he’d be an every other weekend dad, then I’d have sorted everything out then accordingly with childcare and my working pattern.

That is what you have to do anyway, or at least have the plans on 'standby' for when he eventually lets you down.
After the mediation / court case, you will presumably have the DC more than 50% of nights, he will presumably be forced to pay maintenance, and you will need the plans for childcare in place and ready to go.

Don't go into detail with his DM, keep information minimal as you are still in the 'poker playing' phase until after the court. But you could suggest to her that if a nursery place is available for Friday could she go halves on the cost with you each week (don't say anything else about money or maintenance). No doubt that will get back to him, but if she is willing to pay then you won't be so out of pocket.
OR, you pay for the Fridays and add it to the list of things he has to pay you back for in the court financial settlement.

HappySonHappyMum · 14/08/2026 20:40

Have read all three of your threads and not commented yet - but bloody hell he's a proper prick. I am so so angry on your behalf. You have been beyond reasonable and fair throughout and he's behaved like a complete arsehole. I hope his mother lets him down sooner rather than later and you then make a CMS claim and rinse him. He deserves everything that's coming to him. Karma won't be long.

WearyAuldWumman · 14/08/2026 20:57

Intrigued20 · 14/08/2026 19:20

This fucking tattoo. I hope it’s hideous. He annoys the life out of me and I don’t know him. You just keep being you, you are doing great.

Is it too mean of me to hope that the tattoo festers?

Kelticgold · 14/08/2026 21:09

Hi OP, our nursery offers ad hoc days. With enough notice, we are able to book extra days when needed. Is that a possibility in yours? That way you wouldn’t need to worry about twat not paying, if they only go on your Fridays.

LastOnePlease · 14/08/2026 21:16

OP please do not sort this problem out for him. You really do need to detatch. This is evidence gathering time, quietly continue documenting his lack of time spent with them during 'his' time and then when you feel ready to get this nailed down, you can do so and will have everything you need. He hasn't really felt the challenges of leaving you yet as you keep breaching the gap: furniture, early drop-offs, potties, school uniform and now nursery. Understandable why you did some of this but the cracks will only appear in his custody plan when he is forced to actually follow through on it. His mother will stop offering and he will realise that the 'win' of not paying you maintenance (I still doubt this by the way, you were married you might be entitled to more than you think!), isn't worth the disturbance to HIS routine.

GreenCandleWax · 14/08/2026 21:24

StandingDeskDisco · 14/08/2026 20:35

If he’d said from the start that he’d be an every other weekend dad, then I’d have sorted everything out then accordingly with childcare and my working pattern.

That is what you have to do anyway, or at least have the plans on 'standby' for when he eventually lets you down.
After the mediation / court case, you will presumably have the DC more than 50% of nights, he will presumably be forced to pay maintenance, and you will need the plans for childcare in place and ready to go.

Don't go into detail with his DM, keep information minimal as you are still in the 'poker playing' phase until after the court. But you could suggest to her that if a nursery place is available for Friday could she go halves on the cost with you each week (don't say anything else about money or maintenance). No doubt that will get back to him, but if she is willing to pay then you won't be so out of pocket.
OR, you pay for the Fridays and add it to the list of things he has to pay you back for in the court financial settlement.

Show quote history

His Fridays for childcare are his concern. OP should not be making it easier let alone paying half. This would just be falling into his old pattern - mummy or wifey will sort everything out. He wanted 50/50 - let him have it and deal with it and be responsible - until he throws in the towel (which probably won't be long now). But either OP or his mum making it easier for him won't have that effect. His mum is doing HIS part of childcare. OP doesn't need to facilitate that. Let his mum see what he is avoiding and they can sort it out between them. You are doing brilliantly OP.🌸

Daisymail · 14/08/2026 21:41

You really do need to step back from arranging childcare on HIS days.

Continually sorting out his life admin is simply allowing him to avoid responsibility and stay carefree.

Beccahm · 14/08/2026 21:48

Daisymail · 14/08/2026 21:41

You really do need to step back from arranging childcare on HIS days.

Continually sorting out his life admin is simply allowing him to avoid responsibility and stay carefree.

This.

tinyspiny · 14/08/2026 21:53

Will nursery not just let you have a Friday EOW so that he still has to sort his week out ?

Freeme31 · 14/08/2026 21:57

OP i totally respect how you have handled this awful situation but by arranging “his” are you not playing into his hands by doing what he accuses you off “being controlling/controlling his time with his children “ ?

Original poster
mummy917 · 14/08/2026 22:00

Our nursery doesn’t do adhoc days unfortunately, otherwise I would’ve only used them for the odd time I do a Thursday night shift before my weekend with them.

No I know you are all spot on, and I honestly cannot really afford to pay for any more wraparound care, outside of the funded hours we get.

I will speak to his mum again closer to his next weekend with the kids but I don’t want to still be feeling like it is left to me to sort out because as usual, he just can’t be arsed.

OP posts: