There We Are Then - part 3

[mummy917]

And another 🤣

The smirk and walk away - classic move to wind you up. Gives him the buzz that he can still get to you. If you had lost your temper he can do a "see what I've had to deal with" - you left feeling angry and upset and that's just so unfair.

As others have said, it's best to go grey rock as much as you can. Might not be forever, just until you (both) find your new "normal". It's still very new, all this, literally months. Best interest of the children, maybe he needs reminding. Is his next comment, or action, in the best interest of the children.

(He is, of course, an absolute bellend and an arse and I hate him).

I’ve got notes and screenshots etc of all the messages he’s sent, I have a detailed note of everything he owes me, with receipts to back up what I’ve spent, as well as those transactions being on my bank statements too.

Yeah I do think that if he was genuinely happy with everything, things would be going a lot smoother and there’d be much less sniping from him. But I ultimately hope that he gets what he wants as a result of all this, because the amount of hurt and upheaval he’s caused to mine and the kids’ lives, had better not be for nothing!

It may be that 50/50 is actually quite a struggle for him. Wednesdays and Thursdays he dumps them on his mother. But every other weekend he is responsible for four kids for three days. He’s never, ever done that before, I imagine. Bro is on a steep learning curve - even though it’s a fraction of what most good parents do. He be probably feels that 3/14 days of solo childcare is one hell of contribution, prick that he is.

If finishing a night shift is not a good enough reason to collect the children later than originally arranged (ignoring the fact that it was originally arranged), then getting a haircut, getting a tattoo, and giving a colleague a lift to work are definitely not good enough reasons to drop them off later.

He really can't help himself can he? And yes, if he was living his best life he wouldn't waste his time trying to make life difficult for you, you would barely even be on his radar. There We Are Then.

The poster asking if his development was arrested in Year 9 has nailed it. I used to teach high school kids and you would get the occasional kid who really could not handle being called out, no matter how obviously in the wrong they were. Everything was always someone else’s fault. This was generally peak year 9 behaviour in those afflicted individuals (for want of a better phrase). As for the whining about his free time, I wouldn’t be able to resist a passive aggressive look of concern and a gentle, ‘Really? You’ve got a part-time job and part-time parenting responsibilities. Personally, I’m swimming in free time now you’ve gone.’ I mean, how much more free time does one man need???

I wonder if we are all misunderstanding his meaning.

We hear his "free time" and assume that means time in which he is free to do what he wants without the kids.

But I wonder if he means time that is free of cost. So it doesnt cost him anything in money, effort, parenting, work, consideration....anything. And now he has found out that it just aint that simple. He has to pay 100% of his bills alone, has no one he can palm off the parenting onto apart from 2 days with his mum, he has to do his own shopping, washing, cooking etc. His time is not so free after all and that is why he is angry and taking it out on OP because his decisions have left him without her facilitating him

Even if he is always miserable it will definitely not have been for nothing as it’s going to allow you and the children to blossom in a way you could never have done while he was controlling you so much. You’ve begun to see how this was affecting you and I think in time you’ll see it had an effect on the kids too. Living away from him half the time will allow them to understand that this was caused by him not by them.

Couldnt agree more.

It’s not for nothing.

You have been freed from his control. You get to parent your children as you want to, you get to be in charge of your life and you get a week of free childcare so you can pursue your own dreams.

There's a very true saying - "No one knows how much I do until I don't do it anymore". He's finding out now, isn't he? Shifting for himself is what's making him angry. Until now, he's been shielded from it but didn't realise.

You’ve sussed me @Seeing70.
I agree wholeheartedly with @PyongyangKipperbang and sense underneath his bravado he is lonely, desperate to prove he’s made the right decision. More fool him.

That is so true. Knowing we can build our own life without any input from him is definitely a silver lining.

He would never admit to finding out how much he has to do now I’m no longer there to just do it for him.

I will catch up again when I get up but I’m about to drive home from work and am looking forward to some sleep.

He doesn't need to admit it, OP - you know it, he knows it, his mam will know it too. Because I'm horrible and wouldn't be as good as grey rock as you are, I'd have been so tempted to casually drop in "yes I'm not surprised you're desperate to get back to your 'free time' - steep leaning curve for you, isn't it, all this parenting." It would be petty and ultimately pointless and antagonist, but I'd have been tempted!!

He’s a miserable little fucker now isn’t he.
Hope you have a nice sleep OP!

I think this is it in a nutshell and it's not a concept that is new to any of us. Many women have expressed frustration at the "mental load"/"wife work" and here we have a man defining it from the other side as "free time".

He is currently suffering the loss of his "free time" as he is now having to deal with bills to pay, house to keep, admin to complete, kids to supervise, nurture and administrate. And it all takes time. He never had to do it before and more than that, it was invisible to him. He is very angry to discover that freedom comes with loss of free time.

On the other hand the OP is beginning to find herself with more "free time". It feels strange and alien right now but it will become more comfortable and normal. With her experience of keeping all the balls in the air, it will feel so much easier with less of them.

Ultimately the OP is enjoying finding some "free time" and the EXH is angry and the loss of his. This state of emotion will last some time I expect for both of them. He will, of course, blame OP because he can't possibly accept responsibility for his complete lack of understanding of his situation and the true cost of a relationship breakdown when children are involved. He didn't know when he was getting it so good. And, honestly? Hell mend him.

Rightly or wrongly, I don’t think many men would actually enjoy solo parenting on a 50/50 basis, they have no idea what it actually involves and I suspect a lot of them get the shock of their lives when there is no longer wifey around to keep the show on the road.

He may also have had an uncomfortable realisation that this is his lot for some considerable years to come, unless he gets a new partner. Also, a 50/50 Dad with 4 children is hardly a hot prospect for women who are dating, and I wonder if this has crossed his mind too?

As incredibly sad as it is, I very much doubt he’s enjoying 50:50 custody. As everyone has said it’s going to have been a huge shock to the system for him and I doubt it’s what he imagined at all.

From what @mummy917 has previously said, she pretty much did everything in their household appart from the garden. This includes her being the breadwinner. He’s now having to run his household on one part-time wage, with no clue how to do it. He’s financially reckless and comes across as impulsive and immature. It doesn’t come across that he thinks things through at all or looks at the consequences of his actions. He is going to be struggling a lot. I imagine his 5 nights in a row is absolute hell to him purely because it’s such a shock to the system. And then when he doesn’t have the kids he still has to catch up on things like washing, cleaning etc. I’d also be really interested to know how often he bothers to change their bedding as I doubt that’s something he’s ever done before.

I have picked the kids up from his mum when I got up and have asked her if she can be our middle man where possible for handovers and told her how he’d spoken to me on Wednesday night when I dropped our eldest’s rugby boots off. She has agreed but also said he’s been “pushy” (her words not mine) when she has tried to explain to him why he can’t have the kids any extra when he’s asked. I asked her how often he’s been asking her and she said it’s been every Friday since he left my house and 2 weeks today is the first time she’s properly put her foot down and told him she won’t have them on the Friday. I am totally disgusted that he’s been palming them off on a Friday too 😩

Did she say what is he doing every Friday? If he doesn’t work?

He's unreal. Every update he just gets worse and worse. You must be so disappointed in him, for your kids' sake.

@mummy917 it just confirms that he really is only having them to avoid paying , what a piece of shit he is .

That’s so shit, what a complete and under asshole. Does she have any idea what he’s doing on his Fridays whilst he’s dumping the kids on her? She must be so ashamed of how he’s been too. Your poor children.

@mummy917 I do hope that if you haven’t already done so you will find a way to let his Mum know that you’d be very happy to have the children more than 50% of the time but that this would of course mean he had to pay you some child maintenance. She may not have realised yet that it’s all about the money for him.

I really hope that she gets tougher with him and reminds him that he is the parent and he needs to do some parenting. Its gross that he would rather take them to avoid paying any money than actually have them with their other parent that wants them around.

I would consider saying that if he isnt looking after them on a regular basis, they dont need to keep being shipped off so you will have them and arrange CMS. He needs to put the kids first.

I am surprised the kids haven't told you how much time they are spending elsewhere. Are the other days with their Dad? Have they said what they do during his time?

I think it’s VERY obvious what he’s doing on Friday. He’s clearly had another woman for some time now- likely why he left as they don’t often leave without someone else lining up. The messing you around on Friday mornings, trying to drop them early, he clearly spends the long weekend with her. Most weeks.