There We Are Then - part 3

[mummy917]

And another 🤣

The more he acts like this the more you will be glad your not married to the bustard.

I’m glad your matron is being so accommodating - the fact that you are happy to do extra shifts including nights at other times has clearly shown you in a good light. But it’s a shame have to use up any goodwill at work to accommodate Twattoo. It will get easier but as others have advised just stick to agreed schedule as much as possible and keep recording the evidence for when he doesn’t. It’s going to be a long document when you finally get to mediation.

Every time he treats you badly you need to reread this because it’s so true. Happy people don’t carry around the level of anger he has. He is not a happy person and he is not winning at life. He’s bitter, angry and unhappy and lashing out because of it. You are an easy target because you are still the person he’s been the most emotionally close to ever and you feel a safe target to lash out to because you’ve historically put up with it. He also won’t dare lash out to his Mum at the moment because she is doing him a huge favour.

Think of him as an angry, emotional child, who’s overtired, coming down from a sugar rush and doesn’t know what they want, but knows they don’t want to go to bed so is throwing a tantrum. Throw in some midlife crisis hormones and it’s a perfect storm for his multiple meltdowns. Someone who has their shit together and is happy wouldn’t be reacting like this.

As a side note, with regards to not having the money for school shoes etc, I would put money on the fact that when it comes round to the children’s birthdays he won’t have put money aside for presents. Instead he’ll ask you to stick his name too on the presents you’ve bought and say he’ll pay you half at the end of month (which he won’t). I’m assuming you’ll be expected to pay for all parties etc too and also buy presents and cards for any parties your children go to.

I have just read your updates. It’s a real stark reminder when you miss someone in a meaningful place, like you did on holiday, and then reality bites.
Because often we miss someone who is like a projection of their best self. And we miss the best version, not the real version and certainly not who he is now.
This man put you through hell and is still having a go. You are doing brilliantly.
Every single occasion like returning to school is like a battlefield.
If he wanted to leave you so badly, why is he unhappy? Why is still controlling the narrative?
Because he’s left physically but he’s mentally stuck. He’s probably well aware of the mess, but like a child who kicks a sandcastle over and then denies it, he will never behave like a grown man.
Just keep going. It’s still quite fresh. Do what you can, and just know it takes a very unhappy person to lash out the way he is.
You may not be happy right now but you didn’t choose this. He did. But in time your new normal will surface. And you will feel content and then happy again.

You’re all absolutely right. I don’t wish for him to be unhappy, I want him to at least have the life he wanted considering he tore our whole family apart to get it and I don’t want it to be for nothing, if that makes sense.

I am feeling quite positive today and looking forward to my weekend with the kids, I really want to start feeling like our new life is starting to take shape and in some ways I do.

I know I am an easy target, it takes a lot to push me to a point where I get openly annoyed.

Work have been great and I’ll still be doing my share of nights, it’ll just be when it’s his weekend with them which I’m perfectly fine with. I just want whatever is easiest for me and the kids at the moment and whatever helps things to be as smooth as possible for them.

You are a far better woman than me, I would not be hoping he will be happy, in fact I would be casting one of my itchy spells that would be difficult to scratch forever 🧙‍♀️

I’m glad work are being as helpful as they can @mummy917 , hope you have a good shift tonight and a lovely weekend

You are just incredible.
So patient with that awful man.

He wants 50/50 to avoid maintenance.
He doesn't pay his share and I really hope you are keeping a detailed list of all monies that he owes to date.
He also is making it difficult for you to work and provide for the children.

That has a whiff of Coercive Control, which is a crime.
Keep notes.
You may wish to talk to Women's aid about this at some point.

Limiting your ability to earn money is Coercive control and is a crime.

Read up on it.

It may be something that you will want to text him in the future and have on record.

He doesn't want to pay maintenance, he doesn't share costs and owes you money, you can name the figure, and he is making it difficult for you to work and provide for the children.
You can ask him what he suggests to resolve this.

Getting this down in a text could be very useful.

I repeat, you are amazing.
Your children are so lucky to have you.

Don't feel daft at all, im sure she understands that this is not on you but him being a twat and I have no doubt it wont be the first time someone has had these issues.

Hopefully this gives you less stress over it, just dont give him any power or ability to be a knob by not asking anything extra of him but at the same time dont give him any flexibility. The drop off times are the drop off times, any sooner and he waits. He will soon stop turning up 3 hours early if he has to then go back home each time.

Definitely worthwhile noting it all and these threads are handy as another source of reference too.

He's absolutely awful @mummy917! I'm so impressed with the grace with which you're dealing with the obstacles he's throwing your way. I agree with the previous posters comment re: coercive control.

One day you'll wake up and be totally indifferent to him. That's the day you'll be able to take control back, because you won't care what he says or what he does. In the meantime you're doing so well, just keep on keeping on.

It would be far better if he was happier, every exchange would be much easier. I think the point is, no matter what you do or don't do, he'll decide his unhappiness is your doing. So you may as well just do as you please.

I found it very strange with my ex, when he had a girlfriend, he was at his absolute worst, everything last thing was a problem. When she inevitably realised what he was like and dumped him, for the period he was single again, he couldn't have been more accommodating. I've never got my head around why that was. Maybe it was to "prove" to his girlfriend how awful I was. Once I realised the pattern, it became far easier for me and I managed to withdraw entirely from contact.

In your situation and mine though, ultimately, low/zero contact is the only way forward. Definitely a good move the remove any dependence on him for the odd Thursday night shift.

I know you don't want to get into tit for tat.. but would it be a good idea to record what happened in a text and just say it is not conducive to co-operatve co-parenting (which ought to be the aim of both parents) for him to behave like that. You would prefer written communication in future.

to Talk over you and smirk and walk off when you told him not to do that Really shows that he sees this as a point scoring exercise.

He should be pitied for having such a cheap shallow mentality. and for being pathetic enough to think that he has somehow scored a point, when all he has done is reveal how pathetic his thought process is. He's not a genuine or admirable person and that will come back to bite him in the end. He cannot see that he should be thinking about what is best for the children and meeting you halfway. But his vanities and his wants are uppermost in his mind to the exclusion of everyone else. Such a contrast with your aims which are that things should go as smoothly as possible for the kids.

I agree with Pps suggestion about just leaving items on his doorstep next time and texting.. so you dont have to interact.

I hope you have a lovely weekend with your DC.. You boss sounds supportive too. It's great to hear that you feel that your new life is starting to take shape, you are handling this so well. x

I LOVE this. Terminally itchy testicles that he can't help but scratch no matter where he is and he'll be forever known as the twattooed ball scratcher 🤣

You would be made very welcome if you would like to join my coven, I hadn’t actually thought where the itch would be located, perfect inspiration from you🧙‍♀️

Have you had much success with your itchy spells previously? Maybe you could cast a special one on Twattoo for @mummy917 - she can report back if she notices excessive itching 😂🤣😎

My, feels like a spear is penetrating an anus every other minute, is particularly successful, puts paid to illicit shenanigans…

That sounds perfect for Twattoo 😂

Hi op I’m glad work are understanding of your situation but do not tell him so he can at least keep to his 10am drop off. If you tell him I’m sure he will drop earlier. Also tell him your done being flexible as it’s not a two way street and he can keep his freedom but it doesn’t get to impact your freedom. You’re fed up of his controlling ways. You only care about your children from now on. He can do as he pleases but not on your time. He’s an absolute cunt twat and everything in between.

@mummy917

I don’t wish for him to be unhappy, I want him to at least have the life he wanted considering he tore our whole family apart to get it and I don’t want it to be for nothing, if that makes sense.

I think I understand where you're coming from. It's that for us to have peace in our lives they need to be 'happy' with theirs. So it's not like we're wishing them happiness exactly, it's more like they need to be 'not unhappy' so that hopefully they leave us alone so we can be happy.

I'm pretty much at that point w/esDH. If he wants to drink himself to death I'm at peace with that because lecturing him about it or urging him not to drink usually ends up in angry and ugly words. So it's not that I'm wishing him to drink himself to death it's that I'm at peace if that's what he chooses to do. Because that is what allows me to live in peace.

As I said in my previous post a while back, make sure you keep notes of everything that he does with regards to your child arrangements (bringing them back early etc), screenshots of any text or What's App messages, and a record of any money he owes you. I would suggest you both go to mediation, to get your child arrangements down in black & white.
I was in a similar position to you. We were always amicable, but my ex-wife decided one day she wanted a divorce, and moved out with the kids (as the house was mine before we met).
Even though we'd been to mediation to finalise the child arrangements etc, she kept messaging me, to change my drop off times because she 'missed the kids', refused them to stay over 1 or 2 nights during the week, even though they only lived 10min away, sent me vile text messages, and being generally horrible to me. Like you, I had to grey rock her with my replies, which only seemed to get her even more angrier unfortunately. Looking back, I should have gone for a court order, but like you, I hate confrontation, and didn't want to upset the kids, and drag them into this mess. The kids are late teens now, and things have got easier over the years, but as you have got kids who are younger, it will probably take a while unfortunately.

I am loving seeing you bringing your power. He took so much of it away from you, and here is the woman you are. You rock!

@mummy917 you are becoming the woman he never allowed you to be 😊

As I’ve said before he’s angry. He’s angry and rebellious like a teenager. His “there’s nothing you can do to make me pay for the mattresses” and interrupting then smirking as he walked off shows he’s very immature. Is he stuck in Year 9?
He’s determined to have power over you - you are to be dismissed; only his words should be heard; he dictates when the children arrive at your house; he exerts control when you can work - which suggests to me a deep insecurity about his own powerlessness.
Leaving you with his broken wardrobe, bedroom tv, donated washing machine and new-found freedom hasn’t given him joy.
And yes, count me in your coven @Nannylovesshopping. How about an effigy? I have some rusty pins. Deep Heat in his undies?
We have a teenager who constantly boots footballs in our garden. There’s no apology or request to have them back, merely “Our ball’s in your garden.” Such a blunt statement is factually correct but shows unwillingness to engage - just what There We Are Then deserves when you have rugby boots in your car.

A knife in the balls usually stops rude boys in their tracks.