There We Are Then - part 3

[mummy917]

And another 🤣

Respecf @AppleTreeClose. Serious respect.

Well, who, if they're a nice person, doesn't want to 'keep the peace'? Nothing wrong with wanting to do that really, is there?

I guess it's just that we need to understand who is worth the effort and who is not. If, after thought, you feel it's worth the effort to try and keep the peace with him, so be it. But if you truly feel that nothing you say and/or no matter how you say it he's still going to be a shit, then that's when you stop.

I've finally accepted that esDH is in that 'nothing I say will change him' category so I now don't even bother to sugarcoat my words. I've found I can tell him the plain, unvarnished truth without being emotional, rude, or intentionally provoking. If he doesn't like what I say, too fucking bad. It's an amazing feeling to speak my truth after years of pussy-footing and obfuscation to get him to agree to something or to defuse a situation.

But I freely admit that accepting that was much easier for me than it will be for you, because he and I have no young children. I can understand it would be very hard to just 'tell it like it is' when you're having to negotiate 'child issues'. So don't give yourself a hard time for making compromises with yourself for the sake of the DC. The right time will come for you to say "Fuck you and the horse etc etc etc...", don't you doubt that!

It's the old "pick your battles" thing.

As you gain distance from your marriage you'll be unravelling and recognising all kinds of damaging behaviours that had become your "normal".

Save your energy.

I recommend trying meditation. Basic yoga sitting and breathing. There are some lovely guided meditations you can listen to while lying on your bed and doing breathing focus.

Sounds like your batteries need rest and recharging, so give yourself the time and space to do that.

Thank you 💝It means a lot.

I saw this on Facebook earlier and it made me think of you and how badly Twattoo is treating you. It was written by a man about how men forget these things about the mother of their children after they leave them for a new partner. He was basically calling them out. These are basically the points he made.

He forgets that you carried his child before he ever held them. While he carried on with life, your body changed forever to grow, protect and bring your child safely into the world.

He forgets you’re still carrying the invisible load. The school forms, the appointments, the birthday parties. The worries at 2am. Even after the relationship ends, so much of the responsibility still falls on your shoulders.

He forgets the years you sacrificed that you’ll never get back. The career opportunities, the sleep, the freedom, the version of yourself put on hold so that your children can have the stability they needed.

He forgets that respect shouldn’t end when the relationship does. You may no longer be his partner, but you’ll always be the mother of his children. That alone deserves dignity, gratitude and life long respect.

He forgets the children are always watching. The way he speaks to you, treats you and values you becomes part of the example they are learning about love, relationships and respect.

A relationship can end. Love can fade. People can move on. But the woman who gave you your children should never become someone you disrespect simply because she is no longer your partner.

I just don’t have it in me at the moment to fight with him about it. I’m definitely in a pick my battles kind of mindset.

I don’t think he will ever see things like that, about the kids. Sorry for the short and late replies, I’m currently at work on my break.

No need to apologise @mummy917 . We're here to support and advise, but updates are a question of as and when you feel the need, not an obligation.

Ah I know that, I just feel a bit meh at the moment and don’t really know where my head is at. I feel a bit lost.

And that's perfectly fine, no offense but how did you think you would feel? It's only been months and you and the ex are currently still like time travellers in opposite directions - he's looking forward to this mythical carefree future and you mourn your past as a family together.

You don't seem like the kind of woman that is used to feeling lost, which might be a problem in itself for you. But unlike the TWAT (I'm not shouting, it's supposed to be an acronym) you're not getting a tattoo and have a wardrobe collapsing on you, that's a win.

If he turned into a model father to your children overnight and cooperated all the way, making 50/50 a breeze, do you think you would be easier or harder for you to imagine a future after divorce?

I don’t often feel lost and can’t remember the last time I did feel this way.

I think it would make it harder for me if he all of a sudden became this model dad because it would hammer it home even more the life that I no longer have.

I'd say your future is going to consist of him being an absolute arsehole at every given opportunity. Every handover, birthday, Christmas, school occasion, decisions about schooling, holidays, you name it. Once you accept that, and see him for the twat that he really is without feelings involved, it'll get easier because you'll set boundaries for yourself that he can't breach. But you need to be stronger to do that, it'll come with time. You need to walk before you can run

He has again tonight tried to have a go at me for my night shift eating into his free time (I’d had to go to his on the way home from work to drop my son’s rugby boots off as I forgot they were still in my boot) and when I spoke to him and said I was still in the middle of speaking so I didn’t appreciate being interrupted, he just smirked and walked off. He’s just not very pleasant at all.

He really isn't is he. He keeps talking about his free time. Obviously much more important to him than his children. If he thinks that they will never notice that he is an even bigger fool than he sounds.

Well it’s not eating into his free time is it because he’s dumping them on his bloody mother isn’t he. His mother is doing more childcare than he is each week. Next time you have to drop something off like rugby boots, just put them on the doorstep, knock and leave them. Don’t interact with him.

Wait till his mother gets fed up of childcare, then see him really explode because he might have to actually properly adult and parent his children.

Are you picking the kids up from his Mum on Friday? If so it will be interesting to see if she gives anything away, because if he was my son I’d be thoroughly embarrassed.

What a piece of work, if you can't work you will be claiming financial support -he should be delighted to help you work. There We Are Then. Keep Notes Of Bullshit. All Rubbish Seeks Exits.

He obviously has a completely overinflated ego, he comes across as smarmy and cocky.

Remember this is the person who doesn’t even have good enough friends to help him move. The wardrobe was so embarrassed by his behaviour it decided living at the tip would be preferable to his new house and he’s currently walking around with a pretty shit looking tattoo. Oh and let’s not forget he’s having an illicit affair with the local hairy mechanic 😎

I would just remind you - happy people aren’t angry and don’t bully others. Happy people go with the flow and enjoy time with their children. He seems more miserable than ever, life isn’t going the way he wants. You’ve won in life, I know it doesn’t feel that way now, but being rid of him with feel like winning the lottery one day, he’s done you the biggest favour ever.

@mummy917 , he’s a total knob , you are seeing him for what he really is now and are well rid . I would imagine as your kids grow up they will also discover what a knob he is , unfortunately.

As someone else said, he seems smarmy and cocky 🙄

but @mummy917 you nailed the response to him talking over you!! 👏🏻

Another brick in the boundaries! 👍🏻

Yes I am definitely seeing him more and more for what he is now. He still dismisses me completely and doesn’t seem to think I should have any say or a voice at all.

Yes I am picking the kids up from his mum on Friday when I wake up so it’ll probably be around 1pm when I get there.

Honestly, I will not be being courteous again and waiting to hand them to him; I’ll be putting them at the door and will text him to say they’re there.

I don’t think his mum will give anything away on Friday; she will continue trying to keep a united front for him no doubt, but I do agree and think understandably the childcare will become too much for her.

When she gives up, that’s when his life will really implode because what is he going to do, cut his hours at work even more to look after the twins and do the school run?! I imagine that will be the time when he decides to give up on 50:50 and decides to be an every other weekend Dad.

Well let’s see what happens with grandma. She quite young isn’t she - so she might have some stamina for childcare. I take it that she will only have the twins in term time so she might get into a good Wed and Thur twin routine. School holidays are going to be more problematic, especially if his royal Knob Cheese doesn’t want to pay for holiday clubs for the older kids.

I agree with the poster who said absolutely avoid any interaction that isnt in writing, no more phone calls, anything that isnt absolutely necessary to do dropping off on a doorstep or getting the kids to come to the car etc. Take away his ability to speak to you like shit. Or tell him you are unwilling to speak to him in person as you no longer have to tolerate his behaviour and then literally act like he doesnt exist when he speaks to you. When he started you could have handed the boots over and walked away, there is no point trying to justify yourself as he doesnt care, he just wants to try and control things as usual which is ironic considering he used to say you were controlling.

You could point out that its batshit he is complaining about spending time with his children and for you trying to earn to support those children but a man like this will not hear it or care so the best thing to do is avoid interaction and give him nothing.

I do also think you have to stick to rigid times which may mean limiting your shifts to within your hours, because any leeway you ask for from him just gives him a chance to be an arsehole and to do it back to you even more and then say well I did this. He seems to do tit for tat so will then want to be a twat the following friday. I think the fairest thing is stick strictly to the agreed hours both ways and limit contact as much as physically possible.

This is hard right now but once you establish these clear boundaries and its more routine, it will get easier.

I spoke to the matron yesterday and made her aware how difficult he was making things because I was rostered to do a night shift tonight and she said she won’t put me down for any more when the kids are due to come back to me on a Friday. I felt so daft but she was really understanding.

No, last night was another one of those occasions where I reflected on it on the drive back home and just thought that I don’t need to put up with him treating me like that anymore, so it’ll be as minimal face to face contact as possible.