There We Are Then - part 3

[mummy917]

And another 🤣

🤣🤣

I’ve bought the school shoes now so they have them and it’s another thing ticked off my list to prioritise this month. I don’t think it would’ve mattered whether I bought them now or at the end of this month when he says he’d have the money, there’d have been another excuse why he couldn’t pay then too. Most likely he will be keeping money aside for his tattoo on 4th September, although he’ll never admit to that.

Yes the schools here go back at the beginning of September. And yeah he works 32 hours over 4 days. I did mention to him going back to work full time but I got the impression he can’t because his mum won’t do 3 days of childcare for him every other week and rightly so.

@mummy917: I read this today and thought you might enjoy it too: The Hidden Cost of Having a Husband

I glanced too quickly at that picture at first,and thought it was one of those dodgy AI jobs with multiple hands

This is spot on

And we rarely calculate the hours women lose explaining, reminding, debating, researching, following up, backing off, trying again, and finally doing the thing themselves.

I would be a millionaire if I'd been paid for all those lost hours 😫 Life is so much easier now and I'm definitely less angry! Thanks for the link.

Just read this link - I have no plans to divorce my husband, but it’s still relevant!
Brilliant article, particularly the bit about ‘he’s not doing it, but won’t allow you to find a solution to get it done’. This is my DH to a Tee.

I’ve just read it and a lot of it rings true!

And mine. 😉

The explaining of the task.
The producing three options for review.
The umming and ahhing over whether the (not outlandish) cost is actually worth it!!!

I read it too and this is my ExH exactly. There was a slipped tile on the front of the house and a chimney needed repointing. We tried to sell the house and got hardly any viewings and one silly offer they later tried to gazunder us with. I’d had quotes for the chimney but we needed more according to him. And apparently the slipped tile was a huge problem that wasn’t worth bothering with if we were moving. After 2 years of no progress on the house sale, I took it off the market, got the builder in who quoted for the repoint in and while he had the scaffolding up, he sorted the slipped tile without me even asking. He also spotted that the gutters were blocked, and got me up the ladders to see and ask me if I wanted them cleaned out.

ExH sulked for weeks about me ‘paying good money for a job he could have done he for nothing’. By then I was in the swing of getting stuff done. I redecorated my DCs rooms, painted a rotten window frame so it didn’t catch the eye to potential buyers and had a massive clear out.

House went back on the market and we had a string of offers that more than covered the money spent on the chimney, tile and gutters. We accepted the best buyer and then I asked for a divorce. (PS - wasn’t just because of the attitude to getting stuff done; mostly it was the infidelity and abuse of various kinds. But somehow I found my inner steel over the chimney and never lost it again) .

What a read that was. The waiting. Perfectly described.
The only thing was that the author had money to fix a lot and most of us don’t.

I know this is going to sound daft or even maybe lax of me, but the thought of dragging things through mediation (which I don’t think he’ll attend anyway) or a court, is something I don’t have the motivation to do at the moment. That might change in the coming days or weeks, but I feel like all I’ve done for the last few months is fight and I haven’t got much left in me right now.

My support worker often says to me “in your own time”. If you need to take a break or stall the process for a bit while you get yourself into a good headspace then you do that. This is not a race. I have asked for my own mediation to be delayed until the school holidays are over mainly because I don’t have the headspace for it on top of juggling everything else. It’s draining having to defend yourself from their lies while doing all the childcare and managing finances with them trying to make things difficult at every step. It’s so hard because if they just grew up a bit everyone lives would be so much easier.

Yes this is exactly how I feel. I just don’t have the capacity in my brain to deal with more conflict at the moment. I’m not saying I will always feel that way, but at the minute, my main focus is the kids (part of that is getting through the school holidays) and being back at work.

I honestly wish he would just take a step back and see it from that point of view, but I’m not sure that day will ever come.

He will probably never see it that way, and realising that about my ex has helped in many ways. I spent so long thinking if I explained things differently or changed my behaviour or did everything he ever asked then everything would be ok. It took a long a time for me to realise that it wasn’t me after all, there is just something broken in him. they become a nuisance you just learn to live with, like traffic jams or a bout of thrush.

But the conflict is training. Even the most minor of perceived infractions can trigger such a tantrum. You are perfectly in your right to say “ no conflict today thank you” and just walk away or park the conversation.

Yeah I’m constantly thinking of how to broach things with him so he doesn’t end up spitting his dummy out, it is exhausting. I’m not sure how I managed it for so long while we were married and I didn’t even realise!

You normalise their behaviour and if you are nice person you try to make sure other people don’t get upset. So it’s counter intuitive for you to say just let them be upset. I’ve found it quite difficult to watch just how nasty my ex really is. It makes me feel sad I ever fell for him and didn’t realise for such a long time how selfish and horrible he was. But the peace you get when you don’t need to deal with them every day is lovely.

Yeah I completely agree, you definitely normalise their behaviour.

I still will do a lot of things I probably shouldn’t even now, just to keep the peace.

This chain of threads keeps giving, thank you for "he will become a minor inconvenience like thrush".

Re the procrastination over household jobs. I've found it effective to set a deadline. 'I'll do it' - OK, but we have had these types of conversations before and you put it off, therefore I'm stating now that if it is not fixed one month from now, I'll arrange for someone else to come fix it. Thinking he will definitely get around to it he will say OK. Then. one month later I just do it and he finds out the day the repair man arrives. No stress, no reminding, no quotes for his perusal - just a one month wait. Works for me.

But you shouldn't have to work around someone else all the time - so draining.

This will get better- You will get better at this. I'm about 6 months ahead of you, my ex left in December for the other woman, very similar situation, saying he's only had an affair because I made him feel controlled, blah blah blah. He's been absolutely vile since, unbelievably cruel to me, manipulating and lying to children. I've come to realise he has always been this way and the charming persona was an act.
I was physically and emotional terrified of him or what his reactions were going to be for months but I'm much better now (although still physically frightened of his reactions so I don't let him get near). As a PP said, even though it's very difficult and upsetting to come to terms with just how horrible a person they are, once you start to start to accept this, you'll get better at handling it. My therapist has been excellent at helping me with this, I would recommend getting on the NHS waiting list for that.
I have a mantra in my own head, I remind myself he is a pathological liar, thief, cheat and abuser. I would never knowingly lower myself to converse with people like that so I'm not doing this now. He was furious when I told him in mediation that I wouldn't be having conversations with him anymore as we were no longer in a relationship, everything is now in writing only. Like yours he wants his own life AND to continue to have me at his beck and call to support his weekends/trips away/holidays with the mistress etc. Like yours, he also wants to continue to have control over your time/moods/money etc., it must make him feel better about his pathetic little self when he think's he's above you or got one over on you. All I do is think 'What do the kids want and need?' and act accordingly. I'm getting there.
You are LEAGUES above him and always will be. The sooner you stop conversing with him or physically interacting with him, the better you will feel.
Have a lovely day!

You sound fantastic!
That Other Woman has lumbered herself with an absolute Prince of a man.

@mummy917 this is a great suggestion if it’s financially viable.

If the twins go to nursery every Friday then:

1. You won’t have to do a handover. All kids go to school/nursery and then get picked up by the parent ‘on duty’.
2. You can sleep until school/nursery pick up after night shift.
3. There we are then can work. Not that he will, but it will expose the fact that he’s not working on Fridays by choice.
4. You will eliminate the fear of him turning up at 6am every other Friday because he’s going to the barber, getting a tattoo or having an enema.

You remember that celebrity couple that went through ‘conscious uncoupling’? It’s a bit like that. A process, not a decision. And the other person isn’t following any process at all in favour of impetuousness.

So I suppose he’s thrown a shit bomb, and you are in the process of consciously uncoupling so he and his wardrobe and mattresses can’t ever do it again.