Estranged from my autistic university daughter after years of conflict

[YAdaughter]

YA daughter is 20 and at university.

She is autistic as am I. I would say the relationship hasn’t been good for about 5 years.
She was highly controlling of home life. What channel we could watch, and it steadily got worse as teenage years kicked in.

We tried to put in boundaries and basic rules and it just got really bad. Most of the really nasty stuff was directed towards me and not her Dad - he’s a quiet gentle giant.

She would call me a Karen, Terf, even a Tory (I voted labour) and any insult she could think of - I’ve been called mental, controlling, bitch and I’ve even been punched. She was failing at university socially (not academically) and no self care so GP recommended she move back home. It was vile.

Daily insults. No basic rules following. She literally used to say ‘what you looking at bitch? ‘ if I came downstairs in my own home. I’m a Headteacher in my day to day job. I hope I’m a good one and kind and empathetic. She would tell me I was stupid on a daily basis and to chill.

She would leave used sanitary towels left on the floor in the bathroom etc and she just treated us like an ATM. She went out late (3 am) and then phoned as she was on the street in city centre at night etc it wasn’t just what she said it me but how she said it and I kicked her out the following day and offered to book a hotel or something but that I couldn’t do it anymore - I had high blood pressure, panic attacks, and I was very ill. She agreed to leave and go to a friend but wouldn’t tell us which one. And this was a month ago. She said she is safe and won’t tell us where. She says at the moment we haven’t supported her and that we need to understand she wants space and if she wants money or a relationship she will phone. We did contact wellbeing and she had lied as she had said they were supporting her but the university had no record on her.

I lurch from loving her and missing her one minute to wanting to scream at her and hate her the next.

I’m having counselling but it’s not helping. She wanted a huge holiday and back in September we agreed and are due to go on a once in a lifetime safari next week. (She has a younger sister). She has emailed us to say she is 100% not coming as she needs to heal. I’m furious, sad, angry but I’m also glad she isn’t coming and I feel conflicted by that. She won’t talk to my lovely DH or respond to her sibling or grandmother etc DH says I need to focus on me and we need to focus on each other and our family. I’m so angry about the holiday we booked it for her mental health as it was the one she wanted. I feel so angry I’m such a shit mum and I failed to raise a nice person - it’s all on me isn’t it? I tried over the years to get support, diagnosis etc and no one really helped us as she was so clever and masked so heavily out of the home

This. I would mute her and only look at her messages when you have the actual time / headspace. You don’t have to jump whether she messaged to reply and you are allowed to defend yourself especially about bare faced lies

I think this might be good advice but at the same time I’d have to weigh up if the abusive comments were still coming in.

If she sends abusive comments I would give her a warning and tell her you are blocking her for being abusive.

If she sends her version of events and it is fabricated I would challenge it and start being very strong with her.

No abuse, no tolerating her rewriting of history.

But equally if you need to, you are well within your rights to send her a message saying this is not the time to deal with this because you are healing from her abuse towards you over these last few months and years and tell her you won’t be responding to any messages she sends and to communicate with her Dad instead.

Gosh she’s horrid, a truly despicable human. She is abusive and continuing to abuse you. I feel
you need some protection order or something against her. Keep confronting her in the WA group. Let everyone see what she’s doing. Screenshot every abusive message and post it.
seriously, who does she think she is.

Your DD is no doubt very triggered because in her mind she thought you wouldn’t dream of going away without her on the holiday that she specifically chose.

That’s ok let her kick-off. Do not react anymore. Put her on mute (don’t block her). She is absolutely furious with you (understatement) and she wants your full attention to give you a kicking.

Space is good and the penny will eventually drop that her actions have consequences. It’s a good lesson and it’s long overdue.

Enjoy your lovely holiday and have faith in the fact that what you are doing will serve her well in her development and emotional stability in the future.

Im sorry to hear that this awful behaviour is continuing. I would let her send the messages but just mute the conversation, so she doesn't spiral from being removed/blocked. And let dh deal with her.

As i said/we know somethings are autism but these behaviours are not.

She is abusing you!

Your DD is no doubt very triggered because in her mind she thought you wouldn’t dream of going away without her on the holiday that she specifically chose.

I agree @FaceIt. Bullies don't like to think that their victims have autonomy and have the guts to go on a holiday without them. She's losing control over the OP and she doesn't like it - hence all the messages trying to reel her back in.

Keep her muted @YAdaughter, her Dad is available if she needs a parent,

I just wanted to say thank you for this thread, as it's making me feel less alone.

I kind of kicked DS1 (16.5) out recently, after prolonged opposition, defiance, some verbal abuse (not as bad as what you've had to endure OP). I'm autistic, his brother probably is, I have suspicions about DS1 but am unsure. I say "kind of"- he stormed off and I locked him out and told him he had to stop being horrible to us if he wanted to come back. But frankly, he didn't want to stop.

He's fine (ish), dividing his time between his girlfriend's and his dad's (who's a piece of work, but that's a whole other story). It's a bit soul destroying having everyone tell you what a lovely boy he is and thinking "Well he was fucking horrible to me and his brother- am I such an awful person that he treated me like that?" Nothing ideological here- he just reacted very badly to the word "no".

He comes back sometimes to pick something up and we have a nice chat about inconsequential stuff. I think- as I'm not actually parenting him at all right now- we have removed most of the sources of friction.

I don't really know how this is going to pan out in the long run, but when he was here, attacking me, browbeating me, lying, twisting my words etc etc I felt I was going mad, was dissociating for a couple of days after every argument (past trauma), and now I feel like the house is a calm place for me and DS2 again.

@crackofdoom Ive been in your shoes. It breaks my heart still that he doesn't live with us any more, but the place is more peaceful and much better to live in.

It's a hurting peace.

It also gives his younger brother a respite from him, because much as they genuinely love each other, my older son is really unpleasant to him sometimes.

There are signs my oldest is starting to grow up a bit, but I suspect he will never live here again.

Ok so the latest reply message to my screenshots proving her lies is showing she’s clearly much calmer but still in full on blaming mode but I hate the way she just dismisses her lies and ignores them and makes it sound like she is doing me a favour.
Here it is:
“I’m not going to argue with you or be harassed with huge messages I’ve sent x to Dad and apologised to him for how the wording of my message wasn’t the best choice. I won’t be reading or responding to any more messages until Monday, so have a great time just the 3 of you and I hope xx has lots of fun.
Regarding my belongings, I’m busy until next week so it will be better for everybody to sort it out next week or after. I will let you know what I think is best regarding my personal items and what I want to do when I am ready for collection’.
She sent that a couple of days ago and we’ve sat on it.

My huge message was actually series of screenshots where there was a rewriting of history by her with an accusation or rewriting eg I didn’t hit you in February on X’s (younger siblings) birthday or steal their birthday cake and eat it stop lying and making me out to being a bad person it didn’t happen….. I then followed this with a screenshot from her sent the evening of X’s birthday saying ‘I’m truly sorry for hitting you and X today I don’t know why I did it and I don’t know why I ate X’s birthday cake without her being there it was awful for X I agree and I’m sorry. I love you and I’m sorry it ruined x’s birthday and I’m sorry again I’m very stressed and I don’t know why I do this ’ from her.

The bit that relates to her Dad she sent him a nasty message as he told her he couldn’t complete a form without some details (he asked her two weeks ago) from her and she said ‘you absolutely do not need those details from me - you are not telling the truth’ he then sent her a screenshot showing that he couldn’t complete the form without the details (we can’t remove her without these details) and an email request showing he needed further details to remove her.

We aren’t back for another 10 days. Youngest sibling has made a new family WA group for everyone and we’ve all moved to that without her. My youngest says this is the easiest thing to do as then no one needs to defriend her or remove her we just chat without her. Thank you to the person who suggested mute - youngest has done this for everyone. (Far better with IT)

Eldest is part of the number of WA groups we are also in for various things. We can’t leave as we run them. So far she is silent in those.

I have spent a few days on a boat. Not much fun as a bit choppy but we have arrived at a new town yesterday and then we fly on Saturday further north.

We are back in ten days or so. We then have to pack up all her stuff - she has one bedroom and I’m not joking when I say she has hoards of stuff in our garage, loft and bedroom as she is a hoarder. For the last two weeks of my summer holidays (I have to be in work for a week of that pretty much) so in the last week - I’m literally going to be sorting out all her crap whilst trying to sort out the new school year instead of resting. We went into her room to pack up the first car load and I cried it’s totally overwhelming. It’s packed to the ceiling, it’s just full as is the garage - she just sees stuff and buys it and it’s all just a total mess.

We have our garage being converted on 1st September and her stuff needs to be out. God knows where she is going to store 4-5 car loads of stuff. She doesn’t even know what she has. She doesn’t even have a car to pick it up with. That’s a whole other issue.

But I’m not sure how to respond to the accusations of harassment or the way she ignores it totally when she is caught out lying. Literally she just either says ‘I’m not responding to these accusations’. Or just ignores it. Or the above. I haven’t harassed her just literally proven she lies. She ruins every family occasion. So far we have in 2026 / young siblings birthday she came home and was horrible to her sister calling her a rat and then ate her birthday cake (the main decorated bit) and left her sibling crying she then hit her and when I intercepted the argument I got punched and she was told to leave immediately- she refused and then sent the apologies saying she had poor mental health and was ND and struggling. This are all things I have too. She was nasty on Mother’s Day but of course a full list of birthday demands for presents etc for her for her birthday a couple of months ago and she was the centre of attention.

DH says to ignore her message until Monday and then we send her a text to say pointing out her lies isn’t harassment it’s facts and if she can’t accept facts she can’t accept her accountability so we can’t therefore move forward any further with her until she does so and given her demands for no contact during certain times that we ask her not to contact us until we have returned, recovered and then we will pack up her possessions which we will point out is a huge task and then we will give her a slot to pick it up in one go.

It’s my birthday next week to be honest she could either ignore or send me a birthday text - both I would find hard.

I think she is going to find it hard when her old secondary school friends go back for their respective universities and she’s back alone. Given she has accommodation I assume this is sorted with the council (maybe she’s declared herself homeless?) or the university. I have no idea.

He has suggested he sends this on Monday:

X, pointing out facts, correcting the record, or offering an accurate perspective is not harassment. You use that label and rewrite history simply to avoid accountability because the truth does not suit your narrative or your version of your true self and how you have treated people. Your refusal to take full responsibility is exactly why you cannot move on.
We are currently away in xxxxx. Regarding your belongings, the handover will happen entirely on our terms once we return. Note the following requirements:
Complete collection: You must take all your items from both the garage, your room and the stuff in the loft in a single visit. We will no longer act as your storage/dumping unit. We will pack up everything in our time frame around other commitments.
Our time line : We will contact you with a specific date and time that works for us. This will be before the 1st September. Everything must be collected in one load.
Your previous agreement and promises The overdue phone debt must be cleared immediately either in full up to end of contract or the currently outstanding sum (owed to Mum) cleared and a monthly direct debit set up and proof that you have done this. You have made previous promises and then not complied you now have until 17 th August at 9am to comply and if this doesn’t happen further action and a consequence will happen to ensure this money owed is recouped from you.

Your Mum has asked for total peace with her phone until further notice so she can focus on herself and positive relationships in her life. She works incredibly hard and deserves this holiday and a pleasant birthday with the people that love her. When we return, her school, the work planned on the house and other commitments will take priority but we will pack it all up for you. We are now rebuilding our lives, and we will not allow you to sabotage the sanctuary we are creating in our home or our relationships with each other. You haven’t contacted me on any reasonable level since you left and I have been there for you time and time again providing support which has not been appreciated or recognised fully by you. This has felt very transactional; you take and use people or things when it suits you and discard them when it doesn’t.

Unless you become fully accountable for your actions, you will remain stuck.
In an emergency you are able to phone or contact me but Mum requests everything is now done through through me, the holiday has had a already had a positive impact on her and we feel it best that I handle all communication going forwards. However, communication with me will be based around respect, accountability and the truth going forwards.
Dad

However we are going to sit on this. Thanks for being so supportive. I’ve been posting and contributing to MN for over a decade and it’s the first time I have really poured out my heart and soul on here. I do love my daughter but I’ve explained to my husband that I don’t know what it is but I feel like something has died for me - I will never be able to trust her again and I don’t think I can ever have her visit or stay again. I hadn’t realised how toxic it had all become my messages over the last 12 months are on the whole really supportive her replies are using ok, no, yes or ignored. But I have been bullied and fought back. When poor behaviour was called out she ignored those messages. I don’t think I saw it as I was too busy firefighting to step back.

Firstly, Happy Birthday for next week. I hope you relax and unclench over the weekend. I went through similar with my eldest daughter who is also autistic. She was on a huge recruitment drive and was manipulating and exploiting her younger siblings at the time, and actually regurgitated stories from MY abusive childhood as though they were hers. Like your DD also super academic, very judgy and clunky socially. She moved out at 18 and our relationship had improved dramatically, but it can be transactional. Conversationally, she’s controlling and we keep things superficial because she can’t/wont tolerate anything deeper. I worry about her, but she says she gets lonely, but isn’t unhappy.
Anyhow, I like the message from DH. I would also let her know that if she chooses not to respond by x date and has not collected her things by x date, her get will be collected be removalists and taken to a storage facility. The cost of the removalists and the first month’s storage will be added to the debt she already owes, and you will not be responsible for her items after that first month. (You will probably have to tell her that if she doesn’t pay, then the items will become property of the storage unit and sold if this happens.)

You’re in a truly awful position here, and I have no advice from experience.

One thing I would say though about your message. I think it should be worded more as all communication is to go through her dad because that is what he is choosing to do because her behaviour to you has been so awful. I think she will manipulate and throw back all his words about you needing peace and make you out to be weak and her not being a priority. None of those things are true, And I understand you all wanting to set out your view but I don’t think you should be giving her ammunition.

All the best OP.

Hi. I guess I'm wondering exactly what her diagnosis would be if she was fully assessed and whether some of what you (reasonably) expect of her is way beyond her.

For example, my daughter can only handle one piece of information at a time - a list of demands would be beyond her.

She also has a genuine lack of memory and she has told me "things come rushing out of my mouth before I even think of them".

She cannot plan and organise.

I know everyone is different but I do wonder if your daughter will need some form of scaffolding from someone for the things you are asking of her?

She is clearly making it up as she goes but also she is incredibly manipulative.

There is a lot of gaslighting going on so I think it is time to let things go through your DH but with a united front.

I have 2 autistic children. From what you are writing there is much more than autism going on with your DD in terms of personality issues. It is probably contributing to the issues but the stuff she is doing goes much further. I think another poster who has suggested long term a surface level superficial relationship is really all you can hope for if she doesn’t start to grow up and deal with her own behaviour.

You have given her every chance and each time she manipulates and behaves abusively.

But I’m not sure how to respond to the accusations of harassment or the way she ignores it totally when she is caught out lying

Personally, I wouldn't attempt to address this and begin your DH's message with his second paragraph: "We are currently away in XXXX. Regarding your belonging, etc."

I'd leave out the first paragraph entirely and keep the message factual.

That message is way too long.
It needs to be three simple instructions.

1. Please only make contact via me in future
2. Please sort out a direct debit/S.O by 17/8/26
3. Please collect all your things by 1/9/26

Any issues, call me, Love Dad x

Also be very clear with yourself what you are doing if you send the other text/missive you have lined up.

It is likely you will end up NC rather than LC.
This may be a blessed relief to you but if you are struggling with a birthday text, imagine not hearing from her for the next 18 months. It is a living bereavement.

You may think you have lost her already or your relationship is dead. Nonetheless, I'd advise caution on effectively ending all communication by such a cold missive, even if she deserves it.
She has already been ostracised from your group chat, not gone on holiday with you through her own fault, and now she'll feel her dad is no longer there for her either.

If he is backing you by going LC/NC she will have noone and you'll have no idea where she is or what she is doing. It will put pressure on your marriage. You may well feel you have hit def con/final straw but I would not do this unless you are sure you can live with what comes next.
There is instilling boundaries then there is burning all bridges.

All the best to you all x 💐

She is diagnosed autistic and the assessor said DD was also ADHD but said she could not be assessed as ADHD because she hadn’t been referred for an ADHD assessment (for reference I am AuADHD diagnosed). It took the GP contacting her 8 times to get her to respond (as she is over 18) for her permission to refer her for an ADHD assessment which has been finally done a year or more after the assessor wanted it.

Maybe some of what you said is valid but she manages to cope just fine academically and in pressured situation requiring multiple different decisions. She is at a top university doing a very difficult degree and flying / currently sitting on a 1st. She was indeed ‘Miss Perfect’ at school no behavioural issues. The reverse.
She is absolutely a delight to her school friends and their parents and other family members. Although I wonder how this will go if she is living with them. She can mask tidiness for about a week tops I would say. Organisation at work is fine at home it’s a disaster.

I would say most of the nasty behaviour is directed at me, some at her sister and to my knowledge once at DH, She doesn’t hit DH she doesn’t call DH a Karen or a Terf despite us being aligned in views.

She is doing a degree and career that requires huge amounts of instructions under pressure. So far for all hands on teams work etc she apparently shows considerable empathy to others in the team- and excellent judgement.

I’m not sure. I don’t want to out myself but I’m autistic and I can handle multiple instructions under pressure daily but I don’t go home and hit others or sit next to them verbally abusing them for fun and when they say stop and move away follow them around the house goading them. So this is personal to me.

This is very true and wise. I think DH will play around with the text a bit. Make it clear there is currently a way back if she can take accountability and make it clear to her that an apology does not need to be surrender.

She would then reply ok I’m coming on 19 th August and 20 th August to pack etc

direct debit for what to whom and why?

etc etc so longer makes it clearer to her but the exact wording I’m not sure on.

DH has said a text WILL go on Monday and I need to be away from her abuse it’s a first no contact with her by choice.

My friend said it’s like a pretty predator eyeing you up admire it and try to pet it and it bites you. You have to learn to keep your distance.

I’m really tired and in a total different time zone so my brain and replies are all kitchen blended at the moment. So I might come back to this in the couple of days but right now I need to sleep and get some rest! Thank you for everyone who is suggesting ideas. At this point I can see it being NC until someone upsets her and then she will phone crying but we can’t rescue her again.

I think you're right @EllaVanerve Keep it extremely simple.

I also wouldn't try to address anything else at present (the accusations of harassment), just leave it for now and focus on the practicalities like moving her stuff out.

Sorry, direct debit/standing order to you. I thought she was paying you back in installments. May have misunderstood, sorry.
Hope you get a good night's sleep love.
Take care of yourself x

Can I just tell you that I am shattered but I thank everyone of you for your advice and different opinions? It’s cold here 🥶 but I’m wrapped up nice and warm and snuggled down with DH and DD and it’s lovely I’m struggling to sleep we all are and so are all chilling or rather warming with hot chocolate and. My DH has been a wonderful support and I’m very lucky. He is my rock and I absolutely adore him. He said to me I can’t give you want to want on your birthday but I can give you all of me, for now and forever. Actually I don’t need to speak to her on my birthday or have her with me as I’m with the two people that love me to the moon and back. Having one person means I’m lucky and having two is beyond lovely and I need to be grateful for that.

DH is adapting the text but he has said he has got stuff he needs to say to her in his way.

Right now this is a good trip and it’s right to go away without her -absolutely right. But DH has even said should she want Christmas at home it’s not happening we will meet her for Christmas lunch in a pub but she’s not ruining that.

Agree.

One of my sutistic defecits is cognitive meltdown due to lots of information especially in heightened stress.

I would simplify it, I can read highly specialised texts/professional and medical buti can spiral with complicated information in a different system to br honest I can also really struggle with reading/comprehension in social/ personal situations.

Keep it clear, easy to read and understand and esay to refer back to. If setting a specific rule explain the why.

Ie sort phone because we will not pay for it
Move belongings because they take up space that we want to use gor other things
Speak to dad because ulyour words upset mum.

Remember and for clarity so you know she understands set it at a level below her understanding say it as if to a 15 year old. So she can read it and understand it and clearly ask if she tries to weasel out/change the script you can say simply we said .... you did ...

Hi ballerina
Sorry to be a pain. I asked you before but not sure you saw it. When you said that an autistic young adult might take words said in anger ad verbatim and store them, is there any way of fixing that or coming back from it?
Thanks 💐