Estranged from my autistic university daughter after years of conflict

[YAdaughter]

YA daughter is 20 and at university.

She is autistic as am I. I would say the relationship hasn’t been good for about 5 years.
She was highly controlling of home life. What channel we could watch, and it steadily got worse as teenage years kicked in.

We tried to put in boundaries and basic rules and it just got really bad. Most of the really nasty stuff was directed towards me and not her Dad - he’s a quiet gentle giant.

She would call me a Karen, Terf, even a Tory (I voted labour) and any insult she could think of - I’ve been called mental, controlling, bitch and I’ve even been punched. She was failing at university socially (not academically) and no self care so GP recommended she move back home. It was vile.

Daily insults. No basic rules following. She literally used to say ‘what you looking at bitch? ‘ if I came downstairs in my own home. I’m a Headteacher in my day to day job. I hope I’m a good one and kind and empathetic. She would tell me I was stupid on a daily basis and to chill.

She would leave used sanitary towels left on the floor in the bathroom etc and she just treated us like an ATM. She went out late (3 am) and then phoned as she was on the street in city centre at night etc it wasn’t just what she said it me but how she said it and I kicked her out the following day and offered to book a hotel or something but that I couldn’t do it anymore - I had high blood pressure, panic attacks, and I was very ill. She agreed to leave and go to a friend but wouldn’t tell us which one. And this was a month ago. She said she is safe and won’t tell us where. She says at the moment we haven’t supported her and that we need to understand she wants space and if she wants money or a relationship she will phone. We did contact wellbeing and she had lied as she had said they were supporting her but the university had no record on her.

I lurch from loving her and missing her one minute to wanting to scream at her and hate her the next.

I’m having counselling but it’s not helping. She wanted a huge holiday and back in September we agreed and are due to go on a once in a lifetime safari next week. (She has a younger sister). She has emailed us to say she is 100% not coming as she needs to heal. I’m furious, sad, angry but I’m also glad she isn’t coming and I feel conflicted by that. She won’t talk to my lovely DH or respond to her sibling or grandmother etc DH says I need to focus on me and we need to focus on each other and our family. I’m so angry about the holiday we booked it for her mental health as it was the one she wanted. I feel so angry I’m such a shit mum and I failed to raise a nice person - it’s all on me isn’t it? I tried over the years to get support, diagnosis etc and no one really helped us as she was so clever and masked so heavily out of the home

But she is autistic.
As are you.
And you can take a third of her age for her actual emotional maturity at this point.
I find it very hard to believe that neither of you could take a day off or wfh for a day and sit in the house.
You are creating conflict here and allowing her to then use that as a get-out clause/make excuses.
Choose your battles. You want the stuff gone. She claims she wants her stuff back.
Take out the mind games/coercive control and maintain the boundaries once the stuff is clear from your garage. Incidentally, I don't think your husband making her wait for a response/leaving her unread or on read was that kind either
No way will you have any kind of rapprochement when you are both playing tit for that with her.
You said you did not think your marriage would take her just having contact with him.
Have you genuinely considered how you will feel if she has noone to reach out to at all?
You and your DH are a team singing from the same song sheet but asking him to take sides with you against your DD (his daughter too), won't work in the long run. Ask me how I know.

Best course of option by far:

1. Ask her to choose the day
2. Ask DH to take that day
3. Go to work yourself or out that day
4. Leave them to it
5. Pass on a short 🍀card for the new term

And breathe x
Take care of yourself ☕🍰

I think it may help you to look into the idea of hyper focus and autism. Was she latched onto you permanently as a child or in any way hyper focussed then? Many autistic children are like this with their mothers and it can be a source of comfort for them but the flip side of this is also that hyperfocus on a person can be negative, they can become the reason for all problems in your life. It sounds like this is what your daughter has done with you, for no good reason. She may well come around and see reason, but probably needs time. I am definitely undiagnosed ASD (all the stereotypes but highly academic) and I wasn’t as bad as your daughter but I definitely recognise the pattern of going from being attached at the hip to my mom and worshipping her to thinking she was the devil incarnate and source of all my problems as a teen. I also recognise the Negative obsessions with others and feeling they are the reason my life is shit. I didn’t really think about this element of autism until recently when a friend whose son is autistic described his hyperfocus on his younger brother being the reason for all his issues in life. I realised I was doing something similar with someone in my life and when I actually stepped back and took stock I realise they aren’t, it’s my general overwhelm and although they are a negative person in my life they aren’t the source of all my troubles. I am trying really hard as an adult not to keep doing this, but it is a habit of autism as I hyper focus on things and loop scenarios in my head constantly.

Thanks for this - historically this is what we have done.

Eg which day works for you - she will then not reply for a couple of days and then say Tuesday meanwhile we sit and twiddle our thumbs and then she will cancel or arrive late. With this sort of approach she will then say I will arrange for Tuesday and you can sit in the garden all day. I don’t want to see you or talk to you at all.
Then she escalates as she seems to want conflict.

Im back at work week after next and she referenced this by saying she wanted to come before Mum is full on at work again. Almost implying she wants me there (?) wants a conflict.

We have suggested bring some friends and pack and sort Thursday and then hire a van and move and load on Friday next week. Sorted she didn’t respond well to this.

This 100% the case with her. She idolised me (not healthily) as a child. She told anyone that would listen that I was some sort of super human and I kept saying I wasn’t. She then switched and told me I was a problem and I was a bitch. Nothing in between.

Im a human. I get things right and things wrong. I’m not great at English or grammar etc I’m pretty good at Maths! . I’m in work a lot next week and she wants me here when she comes (?) not sure why and that might not be possible and I’m not dancing. She wants her stuff she can get it.

What about giving her one chance to come. If she doesnt show.

Book a van and storage container - load up and put all her crap into the storage container - if you can afford it, which Im thinking you can based on your big holiday. We paid for a storage container between moving house for 6 months and it was £25 per week.

That way all her stuff is out your house and Dad can just meet her at storage container as and when their schedules align.

Would seem a lot less hassle for you emotionally for a relatively small price to pay.

Oh OP! The texting is an instrument of abuse and control. Bag / box all her stuff up and leave it outside somewhere dry. Get your husband to send a message saying it is ready for collection. Change the locks on your house. Stop this back and forth, it is a lever of control. Sure it isn’t nice to have to do or to have your stuff put out, but enough.

New news for your daughter, when you return to work, your schedule, her dad’s schedule, who is and isn’t in your house does not concern her.

You deserve better. Block her. Protect your own mental health.

Sometimes people who decide not to have children are doing the right thing. They won't get all this aggro in their life.

She doesn't bring any joy to your life whatsoever.
You wouldn't accept this from a friend and you don't have to accept it from a family member.

OP .. there are lots of people here with zero experience of parenting ND young people, please don’t take their views onboard .. they are clueless.

As one who has, it’s tough, mentally & emotionally draining. I’ve been through all the physical and emotional abuse. DD is now 20, and no longer like that (thanks in most part to Sertraline). She still gets hyper-focussed, and is easily offended, but I spot the triggers early, and steer us away. I let her make her own despite me sometimes thinking there are terrible ones. I’m still the safe place to fall.

She didn’t speak to me for about 2 years, EBSA for years 10 & 11, 2 false starts at college.. and has just passed a L2 (starting L3 this years). A few years behind her peers, that’s ok.

Low demand has worked well for us, letting her make (and live with) her own decisions, as much autonomy as possible.

She’s a nice person under a prickly exterior

Thank you for this - much appreciated

Well I have an update.
DH was jolly firm with her telling her she could come on a morning one day with a named friend and bring her own packing stuff and pack it and on day two load it and move it.

She then sent a flurry of texts saying we weren’t able to drop it off and don’t we dare try. DH said we don’t know where she was living and we hadn’t asked and hadn’t offered.

We got another one saying she was not happy about us touching her stuff. DH replied that we hadn’t offered to pack, weren’t offering and it is her responsibility to get boxes etc and pack it not ours.

We had several more saying why weren’t we replying faster and we said we were discussing them and reflecting and actually doing other stuff it’s not our priority. And she needs to reflect a bit more on her own position and actions.

She didn’t like that.

He told her that if she contacted me again he would be blocking her and I would. That this is a hard boundary and as we are listening to her she needs to listen to us. He said you sent a text saying you were busy today and also a load of texts saying we had to read and reply immediately and that you were waiting - stop or the conversation is over.

He then texted her and said - we are in the position that we are in and it is what it is. Mum apologised and took full accountability for what she said weeks / months ago but you haven’t ever taken full accountability for your actions and your behaviour towards her, your sister or me and just like these text messages - you need to stop hounding and start reflecting. We aren’t going to jump when we say jump that day is over.

Bugger me - she actually apologised. A proper apology - firstly she said ‘I have already taken accounability’ he said When? For what? For the assaults, for tormenting and abusing another human being? You bang on about your autism but what about Mum’s. Where is YOUR empathy and your kindness to her. She apologised (DD) and said she was ashamed and apologetic and then said however, an apology makes no difference.
He agreed and said but it’s the first step. We have changed. she needs to. No more abuse accepted. No more boundary crossing.

She asked if she could contact me direct. He said no - Mum has two phones one which is personal for the people in her life that love her and care about her and a work one. He said we need to see real change in attitudes and behaviours towards us.

I have had a busy afternoon. Can’t go into details but two people at work have had bereavements and I can’t take that away but I can ensure for the moment that if they want work to go away for a few weeks - that is done, and we are doing as much as we can to support them.

This sounds more positive - she has apologised. Hopefully she means it and you can move forward from here.
I definitely don’t think you should be in the house when your daughter comes to collect her stuff. It’s sounds like packing it all up is going to be a big, stressful job for her and I very much doubt she will be able to accomplish it without becoming emotional. Then you will become a target for her to
unleash her feelings on. Your husband does have to be there of course, but he shouldn't sit in the garden. That’s ridiculous. He can sit at a desk and work on his laptop, sit on the sofa and watch TV, have a cup of tea at the kitchen table. Whatever he wants. She doesn’t get to tell him what he can or can’t do in his own house.

OP, I think you’re a hero.

Just that, really. And that DD is at university excelling. You must be shattered but don’t be too tired to know you’ve done brilliantly.

We don’t choose our family, and all families have truly shitty bad patches. She’s still very young, and as you’d expect volatile - there’s more hope than you think in this. A lot more.