@YAdaughter is there any reason you havent responded in regards to
"told her how she had destroyed my love for her and how I actually hated her being home etc I was broken and I literally screamed at her that she was a nasty abuser and she had to leave and I never wanted to see her again"
Because you came here wondering about your daughter and her estrangement choice not to speak with you, her saying that to the university youve thrown her out, which you disagree with, her choice not to join you all and play happy families on a stressful family holiday
As I said, I had a volatile relationship with my owny mother, and I agree that some—perhaps most—of what you've shared about your relationship with your daughter isn't okay. There is no sugar-coating that.
However, if I, as an autistic daughter who had lived through years of mental health struggles and a difficult relationship with my mother, had heard those words, this would have been my "okay, we've gone past the point of no return" moment.
Mine was my other screaming what the fuck is wrong with you when I misunderstood something once again. For further context id recently moved home due to a struggle with mental health i had no friends nearby and was struggling in fact when I approached the gp they said I was significantly/clinically depressed.
I used to say to people that perhaps I had to accept that my relationship with my mother had become toxic for both of us, and that eventually one of us would have to be the one to leave. So, hearing words like that may well have been your daughter's breaking point.
I'm not excusing everything else that has happened. You asked why she hasn't been in touch, and we talked about the holiday she isn't coming on, but I think this is the real crux of why you are becoming estranged.
I'm now five years into my own estrangement.
I was always willing to talk through the issues with my mother and even go to therapy together, but she wasn't. That doesn't mean estrangement was what I wanted. Sometimes relationships reach a point where one or both people no longer feel emotionally safe, and unless both people are willing and able to rebuild that safety, the distance simply grows.
I think it's important to consider what you actually want from this relationship. Is reconciliation what you want? Is it what your daughter wants? And are you both willing and able to do the work needed to rebuild trust? Those are difficult questions, but they matter.
Yes, I think an apology is important. Those words would deeply hurt anyone. But if your daughter is autistic, she may not simply have heard, "My mum was angry." She may instead have heard, "My mum doesn't love me anymore. I'm no longer wanted. I no longer have a secure place in this relationship."
Many autistic people process language very literally, especially during moments of intense emotion. Words spoken in anger can become stored as facts rather than temporary expressions of distress. If rejection sensitivity is also present, those words can reinforce a deep fear of being fundamentally too much, too difficult, or ultimately unlovable.
That doesn't mean those words reflected how you truly feel. Intent and impact are not always the same. But if you're trying to understand why she hasn't been in touch, I think it's important to consider how those words may have been received. She may not have walked away thinking, "Mum was overwhelmed." She may have walked away believing, "My mum no longer loves me, no longer wants me, and our relationship is over."
Whether that belief is accurate or not, it can profoundly affect how safe someone feels to reconnect. From her perspective, she may believe she is respecting what you told her. If she took your words literally, she may think that contacting you would be going against your wishes rather than rebuilding your relationship.
One of the reason I continue my estrangement is because I cant control my autism, I can mask heavily outside but when im home I seriously struggle living alone makes that easier but living with someone especially my mother meant I never got tk remove my mask and when I did it was during seriously unhappy periods of time/overwhelm. I can now lie on the floor in the dark and seriously be overwhelmed and maxed out with my mother asking repetitively what i want for dinner and if needing an answer and my perfect self to reply. I miss my family but its for everyone's peace and benefit.