Estranged from my autistic university daughter after years of conflict

[YAdaughter]

YA daughter is 20 and at university.

She is autistic as am I. I would say the relationship hasn’t been good for about 5 years.
She was highly controlling of home life. What channel we could watch, and it steadily got worse as teenage years kicked in.

We tried to put in boundaries and basic rules and it just got really bad. Most of the really nasty stuff was directed towards me and not her Dad - he’s a quiet gentle giant.

She would call me a Karen, Terf, even a Tory (I voted labour) and any insult she could think of - I’ve been called mental, controlling, bitch and I’ve even been punched. She was failing at university socially (not academically) and no self care so GP recommended she move back home. It was vile.

Daily insults. No basic rules following. She literally used to say ‘what you looking at bitch? ‘ if I came downstairs in my own home. I’m a Headteacher in my day to day job. I hope I’m a good one and kind and empathetic. She would tell me I was stupid on a daily basis and to chill.

She would leave used sanitary towels left on the floor in the bathroom etc and she just treated us like an ATM. She went out late (3 am) and then phoned as she was on the street in city centre at night etc it wasn’t just what she said it me but how she said it and I kicked her out the following day and offered to book a hotel or something but that I couldn’t do it anymore - I had high blood pressure, panic attacks, and I was very ill. She agreed to leave and go to a friend but wouldn’t tell us which one. And this was a month ago. She said she is safe and won’t tell us where. She says at the moment we haven’t supported her and that we need to understand she wants space and if she wants money or a relationship she will phone. We did contact wellbeing and she had lied as she had said they were supporting her but the university had no record on her.

I lurch from loving her and missing her one minute to wanting to scream at her and hate her the next.

I’m having counselling but it’s not helping. She wanted a huge holiday and back in September we agreed and are due to go on a once in a lifetime safari next week. (She has a younger sister). She has emailed us to say she is 100% not coming as she needs to heal. I’m furious, sad, angry but I’m also glad she isn’t coming and I feel conflicted by that. She won’t talk to my lovely DH or respond to her sibling or grandmother etc DH says I need to focus on me and we need to focus on each other and our family. I’m so angry about the holiday we booked it for her mental health as it was the one she wanted. I feel so angry I’m such a shit mum and I failed to raise a nice person - it’s all on me isn’t it? I tried over the years to get support, diagnosis etc and no one really helped us as she was so clever and masked so heavily out of the home

This isn’t on you. And I’m desperately sad for you. However…

She doesn’t want a ‘normal’ relationship with you.
She can probably live very happily without a normal relationship with you.
She knows where you are when she wants a more typical relationship, and she knows what is expected in a typical relationship.

Also, you’ll know how teenagers have to work at proving they are independent and growing up, by being absolutely vile on occasion. Pushing away the relics of childhood by pushing away their most important nurturer.
She”s sort of doing that, but in a really prolonged and immature way.

I think it would be respectful of you to step back and wait. I know that’s hard. But your natural impulse towards a more typical relationship isn’t working.

💐

This, she sounds vile and abusive, she can leave and be self supporting.

Yes and I am late autistic and have loads of trauma from my childhood. Have been through lots of therapy over the years but recently restarted and have learnt lots about NVR and why in particular her behaviour is highly triggering for me and I can’t seem to diffuse her or calm her or disengage positively - long way to go though!

I'm unclear as to why you think you're a shit mum. You have a husband who supports you and a second daughter who is well brought up

You have expressed your feelings clearly and loudly

I see no shit mum here

Leave your troubled daughter to do her thing

Enjoy your holiday and thank god that you can have a peaceful break

If i were you I'd secure the house and garden before you go away

Yes maybe. 🤔 I have said repeatedly she is not allowed back here. We’ve given her over £10 K in the last year alone - she has a job as well. And we paid accommodation. She’s told me she had no money but hey ho - when you spent £2 K on concert tickets in London that is what happens!

You sound like a lovely mum who has done her best for her daughter.
i think you’ll have to come to the conclusion that her living with you clearly doesn’t work at all and help support her in moving out to suitable accommodation on a permanent basis either supported living or whatever would suit her needs
I know someone who was in a Similar situation and this was a game changer and they were able to rebuild their relationship which hopefully you will be able to aswell.

You are absolutely not a shit Mum. You did absolutely the right thing kicking her out. There is no way in gods earth I would tolerate that behaviour from anyone in my house. My own DD is similar age.

You need to stop giving her money

Thank you. My nephew who is 35 is house sitting. So house is secure with CCTV etc

I took out a phone contract for her in June 2025 and she promised me £45 a month by direct debit. After a row in December she finally paid but from June to December but nothing since. I contacted them and actually sadly I can’t cancel it so I’m a bit buggered. DH said that’s her birthday and Christmas presents for the next 12 or to take it off her maintenance that we are supposed to give her and he is saying no more hand outs. I will never book her another holiday or take out a phone contact for her ever again

Don’t worry it has totally stopped. Except phone contact I can’t cancel until 2028! I just have to write that off.

Been there done that.
My daughter was the same, very violent, abusive, controlling, constantly stole from me, did dangerous things etc.
Social Services were beyond useless, Dd refused to be assessed for PDA though I know she has it.
Eventually I told her to go, she did but we were ok for three more years.
She cut me out when she was 20, five years ago.
I miss her desperately, I love her, but I don't miss the abuse, I don't miss her behaviour.
It's taken a long time, but I'm happy and settled now, it's sad but it's the way it is.

Whatever you do, take care of yourself, you don't deserve to be treated badly and you will find peace and happiness.

Phone up and report the phone as stolen and they’ll stop the contract immediately - they might issue a new phone if it’s insured just don’t let her have it and she’ll have to sort herself out.

Oh god. I’m so sorry. I just want a healthy relationship with her.

This or just cancel it and end up still paying, but at least she can’t use it and run up big bills.

Yeah, I’d absolutely be stopping all of that. Let her go and argue with student loans that she’s not got any parental support.

Good luck

That is fraud and completely illegal. OP is a head teacher and cannot be getting involved in nonsense like that.

Is your nephew up to dealing with your troubled daughter whilst you're away, should he need to?

You can usually cancel a phone contract mid contract. Say that the phone has been lost/stolen
I've cancelled phone contracts before the end of a contract before now

Edit or say that you no longer have the phone or just say you need to cancel

Me too, but I've accepted it won't happen, I have my life to live now.
You may well, but prioritise yourself.
Btw, she called me a Terf too and that's why she cut me out, that's the one thing I give no fucks about, I am a terf and I'm proud of it and I fight for women's rights for her too.

Lack of empathy (unable to see and comprehend how others experience a situation, that they may have different views, feelings or understanding of things, not being able to step into someone else's shoes to see the world from their point of view) is a key autistic trait. In fact often they are not full aware of their own views and feelings, it's mind blindness.

The autistic people I know navigate interactions almost totally through their own existing reference system not through a holistic in the here and now real world (shared) contextual system, which makes it challenging to maintain mutual connection. There is a separateness. Of course not all autistic people behave like OP's dd, far from it many are the most 'proper' people you will meet.

I can't advise anything to OP but hopefully with time and a change of scene your relationship can improve.

I’ve not lost it or had the phone stolen. I have reduced it to £45 month and no roaming or extras can be added it. She doesn’t have a key (got that back before she left) and yes he is absolutely ok to deal with her he is very ‘ yes/ no ‘ and and working from home all week at our house. So it is literally not possible for her to get access. She has taken two car loads but we have about 5 loads here.

She is pleading poverty to the university I understand and telling anyone that will listen that we kicked her out and told her I never wanted her (!) and I don’t love her or want her back.

She has empathy / just not for me.

I'd leave her to it.

She probably has a healthy dollop of object permanence, so its unlikely that she'll miss you all - or the holiday

Leave her sort herself out and don't pander to her any more.
She'll probably not learn anyway.

I’m not anti trans (at least I hope not! I have female pupils I refer to by male names and pronouns as they and their parents have asked!) but I believe biological men should not be in women’s toilets, changing rooms, hospital wards, prisons or sports. She rounded on me so many times about it - she would stand in front of my face and go T E R F and spell it out slowly and pose loads of situation and try to force me to justify my position.

She rejoiced at Charlie Kirk’s murder for example and I don’t agree with his policies or thoughts at all but he didn’t deserve to be murdered for them.

Frankly she sounds awful and as if your life is better without her. That said given you’re her mum that may not be much help.

I have an at times extremely rude 14 yo and we have been absolutely adamant that we love her very much but her rudeness is unacceptable, we are not her punching bags, she cannot expect to rule the house and for the whole family’s life to revolve around her, lifts need to be at an arranged time we stick to etc. Until we put our feet down it was unbearable. We’ve tried to be equally clear that we’ll support her and want her to be happy.

I don’t know if that’s helpful and the tough love needs to be consistent and combined with a lot of 1:1 time but respect for parents/other people and manners aren’t negotiatiable in my book. Gently telling her her behaviour is horrible and no you won’t support her if she behaves like that, but if she’ll be civil you will, would be my way.

I don’t when things changed from people feeling respect and duty towards their parents to being not uncommonly rude and entitled then pulling the no contact card but it’s a depressing development.

im going to come from a slightly different angle but first kf all, I want to acknowledge how hard things have been fur you. Both when your dd was at home and now that she isn’t.

I feel your dd has struggled much much more at Uni than she has let on. No friends, self care so bad GP intervened and sent her back home.
We’re not talking about small stuff here.
I suspect your dd arrived from Uni totally overwhelmed. Overwhelmed autistic people lash out. And they lash out at people or in circumstances that feel safe enough (others go down the self harm route). The people or places that don’t feel safe enough? They mask.
I suspect that’s what has happened here. Not an issue with her having no empathy for you.

I also think that this is a situation that must have been extremely hard to deal with for yourself due to your own autism. The noise (from screaming), the instability and unplanned falling out etc…. None of that can have been easy in your own nervous system.

Next steps?
I would go away and enjoy your holiday. Yes you had your dd in mind when you booked it. But if possible, embrace the change and enjoy it for itself, the memories you’re going to make with your other dd and dh etc…
Then let her calm down. I’d check how she is doing from time to time (a very quick text with one or two sentences max). And then that’s it. But I suspect she needs to take the lead there.