Estranged from my autistic university daughter after years of conflict

[YAdaughter]

YA daughter is 20 and at university.

She is autistic as am I. I would say the relationship hasn’t been good for about 5 years.
She was highly controlling of home life. What channel we could watch, and it steadily got worse as teenage years kicked in.

We tried to put in boundaries and basic rules and it just got really bad. Most of the really nasty stuff was directed towards me and not her Dad - he’s a quiet gentle giant.

She would call me a Karen, Terf, even a Tory (I voted labour) and any insult she could think of - I’ve been called mental, controlling, bitch and I’ve even been punched. She was failing at university socially (not academically) and no self care so GP recommended she move back home. It was vile.

Daily insults. No basic rules following. She literally used to say ‘what you looking at bitch? ‘ if I came downstairs in my own home. I’m a Headteacher in my day to day job. I hope I’m a good one and kind and empathetic. She would tell me I was stupid on a daily basis and to chill.

She would leave used sanitary towels left on the floor in the bathroom etc and she just treated us like an ATM. She went out late (3 am) and then phoned as she was on the street in city centre at night etc it wasn’t just what she said it me but how she said it and I kicked her out the following day and offered to book a hotel or something but that I couldn’t do it anymore - I had high blood pressure, panic attacks, and I was very ill. She agreed to leave and go to a friend but wouldn’t tell us which one. And this was a month ago. She said she is safe and won’t tell us where. She says at the moment we haven’t supported her and that we need to understand she wants space and if she wants money or a relationship she will phone. We did contact wellbeing and she had lied as she had said they were supporting her but the university had no record on her.

I lurch from loving her and missing her one minute to wanting to scream at her and hate her the next.

I’m having counselling but it’s not helping. She wanted a huge holiday and back in September we agreed and are due to go on a once in a lifetime safari next week. (She has a younger sister). She has emailed us to say she is 100% not coming as she needs to heal. I’m furious, sad, angry but I’m also glad she isn’t coming and I feel conflicted by that. She won’t talk to my lovely DH or respond to her sibling or grandmother etc DH says I need to focus on me and we need to focus on each other and our family. I’m so angry about the holiday we booked it for her mental health as it was the one she wanted. I feel so angry I’m such a shit mum and I failed to raise a nice person - it’s all on me isn’t it? I tried over the years to get support, diagnosis etc and no one really helped us as she was so clever and masked so heavily out of the home

Did you read @YAdaughter 's post today at 09:30 and that this had been going on for years? That the daughter refused any help or to try to change anything at all? The daughter is twenty, not 14!

I have to ask, did you behave like this to your mother? Because this wasn't @YAdaughter finest moment but she is human, not a robot, and from what she's written she's done absolutely everything she can to endure this bullying and abuse. Again, the daughter is twenty.

This is good news OP. As you know, it’s not a magic bullet, but I gradually found myself again. This made me better able to cope (my at the time DH was useless and made things worse, def made me feel like I was a sh** mother - glad yours is supportive). I was becoming a bit deranged with it all tbh - breaking down etc, like you. it’s complicated and yes the therapy was expensive, but it saved me and has helped me navigate stormy and, yes, dangerous waters. My relationship with my adult child is much better - it took time - although will never be plain sailing. But I have a toolkit and also know when to take a step back. Your daughter will almost certainly come back to you and this will help you - and her - with the many years ahead. Xx

Wow this sounds really hard

She wouldn’t dare. I’ve apologised for saying some of the things I have said but not for some of the others. My husband says similar although he didn’t say anything like what I did here but he said you can’t live here and disrespect the house, mum and me like this and we can’t have you living here.

And we have the tickets and boarding passes anyway and the booking details. Youngest is just excited and keen to go.

I saw something on a reel which was basically you can’t burn a bridge when one person keeps bombing it and tearing it down and not building it from their side. But you can be a lighthouse.

Thank you for this. I have told my husband about this thread and why I made it and he’s read it. It honestly has been so healing to hear that I’m simply not alone. That in itself made me cry. I’m not alone this happens to others too. Honestly he is my absolute rock and he is just firm and calm.

I wrote a long reply but I have cut it to the above.

I don’t want to be identified.

But to the person that asked about the holiday - we aren’t going to safari in Africa we are going much cooler!

What was your relationship with her like up to the age of about 9?
If you had a good relationship before her teens, it is possible that she will come back to you and re-build, either in her early 20s or in her early 30s.

Up until 13 it was ok if not good.

Gifts and everything above and beyond our parental contributions that she is entitled to via student finances have now ceased. The phone I will not cut off but it is now limited and she can’t go over the basic contract. I’m not going to cut the phone off. If she is being attacked or needs to phone the university she can. £45 a month DH wants to take it out of our parental top up and I’m inclined to agree plus the amount she owes. But I’m not needing to make any decision on that right now.

This behaviour is nothing to do with autism and everything to do with a co-occurring personality disorder. I am so sorry for you. You need to add in firm boundaries alongside your empathy. She is of an age where it would be normal to separate from you. Let her lead her life her way and be available for relationship if she comes back. But with firm boundaries.

She is Year 2 on a 5 year degree so we have a few more student years left to go.

That makes sense to reduce it by £45 then you're getting it back in a sense. She still has access to a phone then. You don't have to make parental contributions unless you want to. I wouldn't be paying for her rent etc if she is treating you like this. She can use her student finance.

She should be seeking work, students usually want to spend their holidays working. The fact she thought she can sit in the house and speak to you like that is unbelievable, I would send her back to her student house.

It is possible to love someone but not want them in your life OP. Enjoy your holiday. And you are absolutely not a shit mum.

Do you wouldn’t take responsibility for the shitty abusive behaviour that caused this?
your take would be “how dare you?!”

@YAdaughter is there any reason you havent responded in regards to

"told her how she had destroyed my love for her and how I actually hated her being home etc I was broken and I literally screamed at her that she was a nasty abuser and she had to leave and I never wanted to see her again"

Because you came here wondering about your daughter and her estrangement choice not to speak with you, her saying that to the university youve thrown her out, which you disagree with, her choice not to join you all and play happy families on a stressful family holiday

As I said, I had a volatile relationship with my owny mother, and I agree that some—perhaps most—of what you've shared about your relationship with your daughter isn't okay. There is no sugar-coating that.

However, if I, as an autistic daughter who had lived through years of mental health struggles and a difficult relationship with my mother, had heard those words, this would have been my "okay, we've gone past the point of no return" moment.

Mine was my other screaming what the fuck is wrong with you when I misunderstood something once again. For further context id recently moved home due to a struggle with mental health i had no friends nearby and was struggling in fact when I approached the gp they said I was significantly/clinically depressed.

I used to say to people that perhaps I had to accept that my relationship with my mother had become toxic for both of us, and that eventually one of us would have to be the one to leave. So, hearing words like that may well have been your daughter's breaking point.

I'm not excusing everything else that has happened. You asked why she hasn't been in touch, and we talked about the holiday she isn't coming on, but I think this is the real crux of why you are becoming estranged.
I'm now five years into my own estrangement.

I was always willing to talk through the issues with my mother and even go to therapy together, but she wasn't. That doesn't mean estrangement was what I wanted. Sometimes relationships reach a point where one or both people no longer feel emotionally safe, and unless both people are willing and able to rebuild that safety, the distance simply grows.

I think it's important to consider what you actually want from this relationship. Is reconciliation what you want? Is it what your daughter wants? And are you both willing and able to do the work needed to rebuild trust? Those are difficult questions, but they matter.

Yes, I think an apology is important. Those words would deeply hurt anyone. But if your daughter is autistic, she may not simply have heard, "My mum was angry." She may instead have heard, "My mum doesn't love me anymore. I'm no longer wanted. I no longer have a secure place in this relationship."

Many autistic people process language very literally, especially during moments of intense emotion. Words spoken in anger can become stored as facts rather than temporary expressions of distress. If rejection sensitivity is also present, those words can reinforce a deep fear of being fundamentally too much, too difficult, or ultimately unlovable.

That doesn't mean those words reflected how you truly feel. Intent and impact are not always the same. But if you're trying to understand why she hasn't been in touch, I think it's important to consider how those words may have been received. She may not have walked away thinking, "Mum was overwhelmed." She may have walked away believing, "My mum no longer loves me, no longer wants me, and our relationship is over."

Whether that belief is accurate or not, it can profoundly affect how safe someone feels to reconnect. From her perspective, she may believe she is respecting what you told her. If she took your words literally, she may think that contacting you would be going against your wishes rather than rebuilding your relationship.

One of the reason I continue my estrangement is because I cant control my autism, I can mask heavily outside but when im home I seriously struggle living alone makes that easier but living with someone especially my mother meant I never got tk remove my mask and when I did it was during seriously unhappy periods of time/overwhelm. I can now lie on the floor in the dark and seriously be overwhelmed and maxed out with my mother asking repetitively what i want for dinner and if needing an answer and my perfect self to reply. I miss my family but its for everyone's peace and benefit.

You are more articulate than me. This is what I was trying to say

I have so much sympathy for you OP and also for your youngest DD who has been living with all this abuse in her house. Put your focus on her and have a lovely relaxing holiday- I bet she is delighted her abusive sister isn't coming along to scream and throw her weight around.

Autism and personality disorder can look similar. Thing is, if someone is diagnosed with something, it tends to shape how we view their behaviours, how we respond to them, and what help we can access.

I suggest you read up on other possibilities besides autism. I have a book called "Difficult People" which gives a run through of different conditions. I'm not suggesting you self diagnose her, but rather use this as a way to understand her better and what might help.

I would also suggest you speak to your GP to get some help for you and have it noted. Also contact your local carer's network. Mine has support groups for people caring for family members with autism, for mental health conditions, dementia etc.

I personally wouldn't engage with her when she starts on you. I live with a very challenging adult daughter (learning disability and autism) and when she starts, I just tell her I'm not being spoken to that and move to another room. I never escalate her and I don't argue back. Once you have those three points in your head, it's so much easier to stay calm xx

Thanks Dancing squirrels.
It started off as why is my daughter not coming on holiday and estrangement looming
Then moved to she told the uni I kicked her out
Then there was the i told her this ...

And the thing is there have been some awful things I get and see that but also as an estranged daughter, I know my mother would say she doesn't know why we no longer talk and would love to be retold im the issue and not her and that shed probably aay the exact thing oh I told her I didnt love her and she ruined my life and I dont get why she won't come on an expensive holiday I booked for her and I feel sad and cross about it but also relieved.

Remove some of the other issues and we either have a mother who doesn't know and is confused as to why their daughter is estranged OR we have a mother who knows and the only real 2nd question is, do you want her to come grovelling and apologising to a mother who has said

"destroyed my love for her"
"and how I actually hated her being home" "she was a nasty abuser"
"she had to leave and I never wanted to see her again"

And want to play lets be friends again?

And whilst its true to say stop giving her money, let her treat you.like this etc.

Other posters ; how would you suggest the op move forward when she says she wants to reconcile and we dont slate the daughter.

Op says she feels all these ways but yet is confused as to why her daughter is not wanting anything to do with her. If this estrangement continues apart from shes an awful daughter and dont play a game.

How would you reccomend someone who has said
"destroyed my love for her"
"and how I actually hated her being home" "she was a nasty abuser"
"she had to leave and I never wanted to see her again"

Works with this other person to have a better relationship, if that is what either party wants. If youre friend/partner/mother said that to you or you said that to someone else how would the reconciliation follow whether that be after the holiday or in 9 months 12 years time.

Would you be able to suggest any reading material on autism and a co-occurring personality disorder please.

Book I mentioned isn't "Difficult People", it's "Difficult Personalities" https://www.worldofbooks.com/en-gb/products/difficult-personalities-book-hazel-edwards-9781615190133?sku=GOR005535964&gad_source=1&gad_campaignid=17415896148&gclid=CjwKCAjwj7HTBhBiEiwA8s35OkuWc7ajnkeAZZ5sXRVaSAcvC8I7MG29UyVdAjDxK1Z-GBMWezsWtxoC85MQAvD_BwE

I’m sure you’re aware, but make much of your younger DD. She may be suffering.
It can be very hard for younger/other siblings. She could be feeling huge rejection and loneliness because of her sister.

This is goading. It is abuse. No normal person would do this. You have done the right thing by asking her to leave, don’t let anyone tell you any different. You sound like a lovely mum
who has done evening you can to help her. I am sorry it’s panned out this way, hopefully she will eventually grow and you can rebuild some sort of relationship.

You’re not a shit mam.

You know what I’d do? After all she’s done to you, I’d refuse to give her any more money and I wouldn’t even fill in the parental financial info in support of her student loan application, if she applies for the means-tested bit. If she even goes back to university.

I’d also change all the locks at home and send her a formal letter via text or email, confirming she can not return home under any circumstances. She can present this to the council’s homelessness office.

Then I’d go and enjoy what sounds like a wonderful holiday.

You don’t have to live like this any more. Her behaviour is not all down to autism and you don’t have to put up with her now she’s an adult.

Other posters might call me harsh, but the stress of living like this can put people into an early grave.

Well done for protecting yourself and your other child. Good on you.

I’d be careful to secure your home whilst you are away. Have the neighbours keep an eye out. Cause I wouldn’t put it past her to break in and steal from the house.