Estranged from my autistic university daughter after years of conflict

[YAdaughter]

YA daughter is 20 and at university.

She is autistic as am I. I would say the relationship hasn’t been good for about 5 years.
She was highly controlling of home life. What channel we could watch, and it steadily got worse as teenage years kicked in.

We tried to put in boundaries and basic rules and it just got really bad. Most of the really nasty stuff was directed towards me and not her Dad - he’s a quiet gentle giant.

She would call me a Karen, Terf, even a Tory (I voted labour) and any insult she could think of - I’ve been called mental, controlling, bitch and I’ve even been punched. She was failing at university socially (not academically) and no self care so GP recommended she move back home. It was vile.

Daily insults. No basic rules following. She literally used to say ‘what you looking at bitch? ‘ if I came downstairs in my own home. I’m a Headteacher in my day to day job. I hope I’m a good one and kind and empathetic. She would tell me I was stupid on a daily basis and to chill.

She would leave used sanitary towels left on the floor in the bathroom etc and she just treated us like an ATM. She went out late (3 am) and then phoned as she was on the street in city centre at night etc it wasn’t just what she said it me but how she said it and I kicked her out the following day and offered to book a hotel or something but that I couldn’t do it anymore - I had high blood pressure, panic attacks, and I was very ill. She agreed to leave and go to a friend but wouldn’t tell us which one. And this was a month ago. She said she is safe and won’t tell us where. She says at the moment we haven’t supported her and that we need to understand she wants space and if she wants money or a relationship she will phone. We did contact wellbeing and she had lied as she had said they were supporting her but the university had no record on her.

I lurch from loving her and missing her one minute to wanting to scream at her and hate her the next.

I’m having counselling but it’s not helping. She wanted a huge holiday and back in September we agreed and are due to go on a once in a lifetime safari next week. (She has a younger sister). She has emailed us to say she is 100% not coming as she needs to heal. I’m furious, sad, angry but I’m also glad she isn’t coming and I feel conflicted by that. She won’t talk to my lovely DH or respond to her sibling or grandmother etc DH says I need to focus on me and we need to focus on each other and our family. I’m so angry about the holiday we booked it for her mental health as it was the one she wanted. I feel so angry I’m such a shit mum and I failed to raise a nice person - it’s all on me isn’t it? I tried over the years to get support, diagnosis etc and no one really helped us as she was so clever and masked so heavily out of the home

This is absolutely disgusting, she rejoiced in a man’s death, surely even all the apologists and “that’s just how she is” posters don’t think that’s ok?!

At least you have a lever you can use here - no manners, no respect, no money.

I’m not anti trans (at least I hope not! I have female pupils I refer to by male names and pronouns as they and their parents have asked!) but I believe biological men should not be in women’s toilets, changing rooms, hospital wards, prisons or sports. She rounded on me so many times about it - she would stand in front of my face and go T E R F and spell it out slowly and pose loads of situation and try to force me to justify my position.

That’s the inflexibility of autism isn’t it?
Whats right is xyz and everyone else is wrong.
Add some anger/overwhelm and any disagreement in what she sees as ‘obvious and right’ comes out as full on anger and aggression.

Im not saying her reaction is right btw.
Just that I see the same in dh and dc2. Just in a more tame manner iyswim

Your husband is right. Focus on you and him.

She sounds absolutely awful. You have done your best for her and her bratty, ungrateful behaviour is unacceptable.

I do a lot of campaigning for women's rights.
Anyway, the thread isn't really about that but I don't take terf as an insult.

Don’t have anything else to add that hasn’t been posted already but I will say that if your safari holiday is to a third world country in blistering heat please, please don’t let her go.
Safaris can involve 6 + hours driving in the outback with on dirt tracks with nothing around. No internet, no cafes, toileting at edge of tracks. It wouldn’t be fair to you, the rest of your family, the guides and the drivers. And certainly not if you’re sharing transport with other tourists, not to mention camping/glamping - there is nowhere to go and rangers carry guns to protect guests and it certainly wouldn’t be fair if they have to use it on an animal because your daughter decided to leave the site.

Whilst I’m sure you wish it hadn’t played out like this and you probably feel guilty and very regretful, sometimes we all need to see the consequences of our actions. The consequences of abusing your mum and being a total nasty dick to her are she might lose her rag.

do you have a niece or someone you could name change the flights ect to and take with you? So not a total loss of money?

otherwise just hold the line. She’s 20 so you can’t make her tell you where she is but you can firmly and calmly hold “we love you and are happy to hear from you, but equally won’t put up with any abuse”.

I feel for you OP. Our youngest is a bit like this, not quite as bad as your DD, but I can definitely see many similarities + previous ED and OCD.

I know it sounds harsh, but if I were you I'd just be really glad she isn't living with you anymore. I fantasise about the day my DD leaves, not because I don't care about what happens to her, I want her to have a long and happy life - but at good a distance away from me. Maybe Canada?

It sounds like you've done your best OP so please don't beat yourself up about it because a dealing with a child like that is so very, very difficult xx

As the mum of an autistic daughter, frankly they can choose not to be arseholes to this degree. My daughter told me tonight she hates her life. I told her she has privilidge that most children (autistic or not) have no hope of achieving. I get their lives are hard, but there is a limit to which they can play havoc with everyone else’s lives. You are not a shit mother, I am not a shit mother. They can push, we can hold the tension for them, lay with them when they struggle, be tolerant of their outbursts. But violence and abuse are beyond a reasonable tolerance. She is an agent of her own destiny. Grieve, let go, go on holiday and make a choice to enjoy your own life.

Oh god that’s brought back a memory. Dd told her coworkers at her pt job that we had kicked her out and that dh had beaten her up. Sad thing is she worked at a private club which I’m a member of. So half the staff think I’m a total bitch. Completely not true. She did/does make shit up so other people feel sorry for her.

Part of NVR is accepting that you can't necessarily change someone else but you can keep your own truth - so you do things because you choose to do them, not in response to your daughter's behaviours. So I always gave my daughter a lift to work for example - regardless of her behaviour towards me. It can take years but it can also work.

She sounds very black and white in her thinking and Immature and passive aggressive. I agree sadly with others, be happy she’s no longer in your home abusing you like this…..because it is domestic abuse and it’s ok to acknowledge that. Concentrate on yourself, dh and your other Dd. Be prepared to hear her out if she wants to try and reconnect towards a more positive relationship but you need to maintain strict boundaries.

Sounds awful. I wouldn't want to take her out and make an effort. She's lucky that you do. Autism has nothing to do with it.

Nah this isn’t autism and stop hiding behind it. Tell her to F off. Her loss

Your blow up wasn’t your finest moment but she had clearly pushed you to the edge!

What a nasty piece of work she is

She has truly taken you for granted and abused you emotionally and certainly taken advantage of you financially

And even though she won’t tell you where she is I guarantee she is somewhere safe and managing just fine - whilst quietly knowing the angst she is causing her family

Quite frankly she’s old enough to know better. Don’t back down - keep boundaries in place but maybe once the dust settles admit to her you were angry and said some things in the heat of the moment that you wish you hadn’t

When my DD is in a stinking mood or looking for an argument I ask her to leave the room or remove myself - it works a treat! And the next day it is over with! (Until the next time)

What a lovely opportunity for her to stand on her own two feet

Yes she is autistic. But she is also a young adult who is capable of knowing right from wrong.

I'd look at getting her on the council housing register ( the lists are years long but I think, due to her autism, she would qualify for temporary acommodation should it not work out with her friends

Heres hoping that in a decades time, she is a functioning adult who is so remorseful about her teenage years.

Edit, I am autistic, as is my 7yo pre verbal dd. Not all autistic people are the same. Imo, its easy to just focus on the autism, and not the woman, op. Focus on the young woman part of her right now and stand strong.

No more reaching out and parenting. She will come home when her mates tell her she cant behave as she does she is ready.

I mean you also said

" told her how she had destroyed my love for her and how I actually hated her being home etc I was broken and I literally screamed at her that she was a nasty abuser and she had to leave and I never wanted to see her again"

So yes in a black and white view done this.

I am also autistic and have a very volatile relationship with my mother which has ended up as non contact. The main reason being she said words just like you said above. It was very hard to hear and I have worked to come to terms with a lack of relationship now on my terms that I dont see the point of spending time with someone who has said some very similar words. J didnt act like your daughter but once those words have been said there's really nowhere else to go with it.

Leave her be, check in occasionally if you wish by email but you will both need to work at building fences and at the moment its best you both take a break until the foundations are steady again

I recognise a lot in your post. I also have an adult child on the spectrum who started treating me with total
disrespect and rudeness . He was very loving and kind but struggled with mental health issues. Then when he finally got on his feet and found a job he started to behave more and more aggressively. The key for me was that his therapist encouraged him to cut me off.

He became someone I just didn't recognise or like. The sad thing is that he moved out and gradually decided to cut off the whole family. I haven't seen him in eighteen months.

I understand your feelings of guilt and self blame. I feel them too. It's not your fault. Your daughter needs to learn that there are consequences for such rudeness and disrespect. She sounds very immature and quite spoilt. It's hard to separate the autism from the poor behaviour and no doubt there is a link, but you need to look after yourself.

I have become ill from the stress too, but I am gradually realising that the person my son used to be has gone and an angry, unkind and cruel person has taken his place. It's a huge grief, but I don't think I'll ever have a trusting loving relationship with him again. Hopefully your daughter will mature and come back realising she needs to change, but if she doesn't, it's not your fault. Enjoy your holiday and cherish your other daughter. Take care of yourself . The door will remain open if she is willing to treat you with respect.

It must be so difficult for you. You obviously really love her, but everyone has a limit.

Perhaps you get the brunt of it because she feels safest with you. It’s no excuse, the way she treats you is abusive and appalling.

I wouldn’t chase contact. The time has come for her to keep her distance so that she can start to reflect on her actions and apologise, otherwise the destructive cycle will keep on repeating.

Go away on the holiday and do NOT feel bad. After everything you’ve been through you deserve to enjoy it and not worry about her. You’ve done enough of that over the years. You need to feel yourself again and feel free from stress.

I know a few people like your dd, and none of them has autism. She is very street smart/ clever to say yes to get away from a situation and then when actual time to do something comes back down.

Such people usually do well in professional life as they know when to be good and when they can afford to be mean. So at home they show their real personalities ( the negative, ugly side), while in public they are at their best behaviour.

They also have a strong sense of self and a little low empathy or rather selective - in some situation they are empathetic but when they perceive someone against them, they can be very cold, ignoring that person’s humanity. Needless to say, they are dominating and stubborn by nature.

I really don’t know why such personalities form but the people I know had childhood/family trauma.

When you say she was failing uni socially - did she not make friends?

She sounds like she has a horrible personality. Autism is not an excuse to treat your mum like that. Maybe it will change one day. But for now Id keep some distance. You may be able to stop the phone contract by paying your way out or sometimes you can switch to another operator and they will pay for it. Then use that contract for yourself.

Sorry to hear about your relationship with your son. Sadly, some therapists cause more harm than any good.

I hope your son becomes more mature over time and realises his mistake. 💐

I just let rip back though and told her how she had destroyed my love for her and… I literally screamed at her that she was a nasty abuser and she had to leave and I never wanted to see her again

OP, you certainly made the point. She must have had a massive shock. She’s right about needing time to think about it.

I suspect it’s a bit too soon to play happy families. Have a lovely holiday while DD does her own thing.

I am also autistic with an autistic daughter and had a very strained relationship with my mother through my teenage years and early.

Here is how I see this playing out. She needs therapy and won’t get it. Right now she blames you for all her life struggles. But she’s just become a young adult and as she goes out into the world on her own she’s going to see these problems replicated in all her other relationships.

At some point she will hit rock bottom with this, perhaps through the ending of a first romantic relationship or similar, and she will seek help. It will be hard to watch her spiralling and making a mess of things in the meantime, but she is an adult and she needs to come to things in her own way. Being autistic, she is even more unlikely to be told or take advice, and learning things the hard way will be par for the course.

In the meantime respect her wishes. When she says she needs time away, just say “OK, we respect your wishes. We love you and miss you and are always here if you need us.” If she says you’re clearly not there for her because you told her to leave, just say that you both know that no one was happy in that situation and if she wants to come home you would like to go to family therapy together to figure out how to live more harmoniously. Otherwise, you just wait it out and take the opportunity to care for yourself and allow yourself to enjoy some peace.

Go on your holiday and have a nice time with your younger daughter. It must be very stressful for her to witness her mother being so horribly abused. You could all do with a break from your older girl, whose behaviour is completely unacceptable, autistic or not.