Estranged from my autistic university daughter after years of conflict

[YAdaughter]

YA daughter is 20 and at university.

She is autistic as am I. I would say the relationship hasn’t been good for about 5 years.
She was highly controlling of home life. What channel we could watch, and it steadily got worse as teenage years kicked in.

We tried to put in boundaries and basic rules and it just got really bad. Most of the really nasty stuff was directed towards me and not her Dad - he’s a quiet gentle giant.

She would call me a Karen, Terf, even a Tory (I voted labour) and any insult she could think of - I’ve been called mental, controlling, bitch and I’ve even been punched. She was failing at university socially (not academically) and no self care so GP recommended she move back home. It was vile.

Daily insults. No basic rules following. She literally used to say ‘what you looking at bitch? ‘ if I came downstairs in my own home. I’m a Headteacher in my day to day job. I hope I’m a good one and kind and empathetic. She would tell me I was stupid on a daily basis and to chill.

She would leave used sanitary towels left on the floor in the bathroom etc and she just treated us like an ATM. She went out late (3 am) and then phoned as she was on the street in city centre at night etc it wasn’t just what she said it me but how she said it and I kicked her out the following day and offered to book a hotel or something but that I couldn’t do it anymore - I had high blood pressure, panic attacks, and I was very ill. She agreed to leave and go to a friend but wouldn’t tell us which one. And this was a month ago. She said she is safe and won’t tell us where. She says at the moment we haven’t supported her and that we need to understand she wants space and if she wants money or a relationship she will phone. We did contact wellbeing and she had lied as she had said they were supporting her but the university had no record on her.

I lurch from loving her and missing her one minute to wanting to scream at her and hate her the next.

I’m having counselling but it’s not helping. She wanted a huge holiday and back in September we agreed and are due to go on a once in a lifetime safari next week. (She has a younger sister). She has emailed us to say she is 100% not coming as she needs to heal. I’m furious, sad, angry but I’m also glad she isn’t coming and I feel conflicted by that. She won’t talk to my lovely DH or respond to her sibling or grandmother etc DH says I need to focus on me and we need to focus on each other and our family. I’m so angry about the holiday we booked it for her mental health as it was the one she wanted. I feel so angry I’m such a shit mum and I failed to raise a nice person - it’s all on me isn’t it? I tried over the years to get support, diagnosis etc and no one really helped us as she was so clever and masked so heavily out of the home

Is there a chance she herself is transgender and she is upset that you view trainwomen as biological men?

** is there any reason you havent responded in regards to
"told her how she had destroyed my love for her and how I actually hated her being home etc I was broken and I literally screamed at her that she was a nasty abuser and she had to leave and I never wanted to see her again"
Because you came here wondering about your daughter and her estrangement choice not to speak with you, her saying that to the university youve thrown her out, which you disagree with, her choice not to join you all and play happy families on a stressful family holiday

1. Firstly I am accountable for what I said. I have already apologised to her saying that I am fully accountable and I should never had said those things. I didn’t make any excuses.
2. totally agree with her not coming on holiday at the moment but I’m livid and cross and upset and a host of other emotions that she has chosen to ignore us for over a month. we would not have planned this particular holiday without her being the driving force behind it. Of course so much of what we have booked is ‘once in a lifetime stuff’ that is a family experience and so on. I’m trying not to project as of course it is right she isn’t there at the moment.
3. She is telling the university that we have cut her off financially and she has claimed various other financial hardships which they can make a decision on. I don’t think she is telling them about how much she has spent this year. We offered to the university to pay for any emergency accommodation funds direct to them and we even offered direct to her to pay upfront for a friend’s air b n b flat literally round the corner from her university - that has just been completed ready for a long term let. We offered to pay them direct but let in her name. We’ve also offered to cover any counselling or therapy costs. I’m not prepared to nitpick it all apart or my word by word conversations and offers. Also her aunt offered her a place to stay but I need to stop as I am trying NOT to be outing and much of this is. But that’s the crux of what we have offered.

As I said, I had a volatile relationship with my owny mother, and I agree that some—perhaps most—of what you've shared about your relationship with your daughter isn't okay. There is no sugar-coating that.
However, if I, as an autistic daughter who had lived through years of mental health struggles and a difficult relationship with my mother, had heard those words, this would have been my "okay, we've gone past the point of no return" moment.
Mine was my other screaming what the fuck is wrong with you when I misunderstood something once again. For further context id recently moved home due to a struggle with mental health i had no friends nearby and was struggling in fact when I approached the gp they said I was significantly/clinically depressed.

• I’m sorry you had this done to you. But I have tried to put in boundaries and been ridiculed over and over again, she will apologise sometimes for hurting my feelings. My feelings are mine she doesn’t need to apologise for them. But she doesn’t apologise or change her actions.
• We have taken her to the GP numerous times (at her request as she said she couldn’t advocate for herself) and he has asked her repeatedly to engage both with him and other things he has signposted to. She says yes in meetings and then doesn’t. I can’t force her to. This desire comes from her but we can’t force it

I used to say to people that perhaps I had to accept that my relationship with my mother had become toxic for both of us, and that eventually one of us would have to be the one to leave. So, hearing words like that may well have been your daughter's breaking point.
I'm not excusing everything else that has happened. You asked why she hasn't been in touch, and we talked about the holiday she isn't coming on, but I think this is the real crux of why you are becoming estranged.

1. We have a total radio silence here and I can’t force her to talk. It might be weeks, months or years or indeed never. I take responsibility for what I said but I can’t live with her any more (not as it stands). I wish I hadn’t of said some of things I did (some were totally valid). That’s on me. If she wants to say the relationship is over due to what I said - I have to own that. That’s on me.

I'm now five years into my own estrangement.
I was always willing to talk through the issues with my mother and even go to therapy together, but she wasn't. That doesn't mean estrangement was what I wanted. Sometimes relationships reach a point where one or both people no longer feel emotionally safe, and unless both people are willing and able to rebuild that safety, the distance simply grows.
I think it's important to consider what you actually want from this relationship. Is reconciliation what you want? Is it what your daughter wants? And are you both willing and able to do the work needed to rebuild trust? Those are difficult questions, but they matter.
Yes, I think an apology is important. Those words would deeply hurt anyone. But if your daughter is autistic, she may not simply have heard, "My mum was angry." She may instead have heard, "My mum doesn't love me anymore. I'm no longer wanted. I no longer have a secure place in this relationship."
Many autistic people process language very literally, especially during moments of intense emotion. Words spoken in anger can become stored as facts rather than temporary expressions of distress. If rejection sensitivity is also present, those words can reinforce a deep fear of being fundamentally too much, too difficult, or ultimately unlovable.
That doesn't mean those words reflected how you truly feel. Intent and impact are not always the same. But if you're trying to understand why she hasn't been in touch, I think it's important to consider how those words may have been received. She may not have walked away thinking, "Mum was overwhelmed." She may have walked away believing, "My mum no longer loves me, no longer wants me, and our relationship is over."

1. I get this totally and you are right. I have already apologised. I thought about it and the wording of it. I have my own counselling to do - I offered to fund hers with whoever she wishes. I actually wrote (and she has acknowledged it) that I do love her and we want her in our lives but a different positive and mutually respectful relationship and do this at her pace when she is ready and that it has to safe for all of us.

Whether that belief is accurate or not, it can profoundly affect how safe someone feels to reconnect. From her perspective, she may believe she is respecting what you told her. If she took your words literally, she may think that contacting you would be going against your wishes rather than rebuilding your relationship.
One of the reason I continue my estrangement is because I cant control my autism, I can mask heavily outside but when im home I seriously struggle living alone makes that easier but living with someone especially my mother meant I never got tk remove my mask and when I did it was during seriously unhappy periods of time/overwhelm. I can now lie on the floor in the dark and seriously be overwhelmed and maxed out with my mother asking repetitively what i want for dinner and if needing an answer and my perfect self to reply. I miss my family but its for everyone's peace and benefit.

• My love I’m so sorry this is the case for you. I don’t know what to say. Being your authentic self with no masking every autistic person needs this. Your battery at home is often on empty. Having a relationship does not mean living with them. I don’t mask with DH but is my rock. I would say to my daughter when she was off loading that I couldn’t do anymore as I was overwhelmed and DH would take over. My daughter didn’t understand that when she was off loading I couldn’t just be an eternal sponge for it.
• Your feelings and needs are so important and estrangement from family can be the right move particularly if she- your mum isn’t willing to do therapy or look at what she is doing to you and the effect.

• For Myself and my daughter we might never be able to live together or holiday together again - I need to accept this and grieve it. But I hope it is repairable. It might not be.

so your thoughtful points are all taken on board. Thank you 💐

We had very open conversations about these topics when she was younger as she had a trans friend.

I don’t know. But I don’t think so. She came out (!) as heterosexual at about 14 and said she wanted the pronouns she/ her and this has all these on her SM accounts. Sexuality wise she hasn’t had a partner yet but again we have been very open we don’t mind who their partners are as long as they are kind to them.

I only have empathy for you. My best advice would be to mentally give yourself a 6month holiday from worry, contact and mental energy. In that time she may reflect or she may not. But you need a break. She knows where you are.

Ball a lot of what you say resonates from the autistic DD's POV. May I ask please, if words said in anger, have been stored as facts and the daughter has reached her breaking point, what in your opinion could ever change that set of events? Thanks in advance 💐

My ASD DD is 20 now, we’ve been through done very tough times. Her Mental Health was a mess, she was rude abusive, would physically assault me, smashed stuff up - just awful.

I told her every day that I loved her, I told her I was on her side, I didn’t retaliate, didn’t take things off her, I spoke on her terms, gave her space when she needed it, recognised it was the ASD and anxiety that was behind a lot of this, and was always - regardless of how shit the day - her cheerleader

She’s 20 now, we have a great relationship, she’s a couple of years behind at college, and a couple of years behind emotionally / socially.

Screaming back at a struggling teenager won’t work, punishing someone with ASD / MH problems for doing something they probably had little control over doesn’t work, gentle, patient patenting is sometimes what is needed.

She wanted control (it seems to me that a lot of autistic people try really hard to control everything that is within their control, probably because the rest of the world seems so random to them). Once you stopped allowing control, she moved on to controlling your emotions by making you worried and uncertain. I think she might like knowing that you don't know where she is or how she is or what she's doing and it's the last piece of control she can have over you.

I'd message her once, saying that you hope she's well and she knows where you are if she wants to get in touch, but that you will not be giving in to demands.

Then give her time. Don't try to contact her because that will make her feel as though she still has control. She could well mature out of this tendency.

My eldest DD is AuDHD and could be challenging at times, but in different ways, in her attempts to control life. She's now in her thirties and an absolute delight.

Is she doing medicine? Sorry if that’s been asked already. If so then her behaviour is rather worrying. Hopefully she reins her attitude in on placement.

Has the university agreed to discuss the information with you about what she's told them and what she's applied for? Or was permission already in place from earlier on when things weren't so bad?

University agreed and re agreed direct with her at re agreed at different intervals. She knows she can withdraw her agreement at any point and no judgement from us. So far - she hasn’t. We would respect her decision if she did.

Maybe she doesn’t have control. Maybe this is what I need to be a super gentle parent who takes it. But I know she doesn’t treat DH like it, or my lovely MIL or any of her lecturers or friend’s parents. Or indeed the friends she has don’t get treated like me or her work colleagues etc

She once punched me so hard I had to get two x rays from A and E it was a miracle she didn’t break a bone at that point -totally unprovoked I turned my back on her- she was 17 at that point and I was bruised from head to toe. I’m not prepared to put up with it any more - autism or not. I’m entitled not to hit or abused in my own home. I’m autistic and I don’t hit her.

I really resonate with your post. But I just can’t take any more that’s on me I can’t do anymore I’m drained and broken and I need time and space and to heal. I can’t let her abuse me any more. I accept the relationship is fractured. I accept I said unforgivable things. And if I’m being absolutely truthful I did mean it at that moment in time - at that moment I loathed her.

If DH had even done one of those thing - called me a Karen or whatever - we would be divorced. I would say most of the abuse directed at me - she had a space to go eg her room but refused and made sure DH wasn’t around etc some at her younger sibling. Her younger sibling says she doesn’t miss her and is blooming at home - so much of her personality (she’s very funny) she was masking at the risk of her older sister calling her annoying etc I suspect she (elder) one dominated everything with her opinions and ideas.

That's because she IS a nasty abuser, autism doesn't give her a free pass to be vile to you.

Sometimes sad as it is, one of your children just may turn out to be someone you really don't like. It's okay to admit this to yourself, especially when they are abusive as your daughter clearly is .

You're definitely not alone, similar posts appear frequently. The details change (did you see the one about the autistic daughter and the birthday cake?) but it is unfortunately something that many good parents are living through.

I hope you enjoy your holiday.

Thank you. I don’t feel as alone as I did, I’ve always got good advice on here. I might not agree with everything but it is so good some times to get a complete different take or your arse handed to you on a plate so you can see different points of view and reflect.

No I didn’t…. Off to search!

@YAdaughter Given that she's a student, I wouldn't stop financially supporting her. What I'd do is transfer a set amount every month for living expenses and that's it.

I would let your DH handle the financial side and you step away completely. I agree with others that her abusive behavior towards you is a choice, not just attributable to her autism. She's bullying you and you need to step away for your own sanity.

We have already discussed this and it is important it comes from the joint account and made on the 1st of each month and only if she is actually enrolled etc we have at least 3 more full years to go and possibly more.

thank you everyone. I’m off to finish my packing now!

I will also order the difficult people book when I am back. Thanks for that suggestion.

I have a useless gentle giant too OP

My son hasn’t spoken to me in three years or his brother. Most definitely autistic; refuses to be assessed.

I’m treading water until he leaves home sadly

Re: autistic daughters birthday cake thread.

I can't find it, but it was a long-running thread (or threads) the gist of which was that because OP messed up with her older teenage daughter's birthday cake, said daughter's life was on hold and she couldn't possibly move forward and apply for university etc as planned. OP was bending over backwards to the detriment of her other children, and the family as a whole. Daughter was bedrotting on a "year out" demanding that OP apologise for many perceived slights or she wouldn't apply to uni. Daughter was punishing OP for a year or more. Terribly sad to read. The last I recall was that OP and husband were beginning to set some boundaries and have open conversations with their other children about the family dynamics. I do hope they are doing well.

Anyway, solidarity from my likely autistic self. My teen has demand avoidable tendencies and can be their own worst enemy once they've taken a position. Lots of us here recognise the patterns.

Anyway, wishing you a smooth journey.

My DC would be in so much sh!t if they spoke to me like that.

She’s a nasty, goading, poking, riling, piece of work.

If I were you I’d have therapy to bring you to a place where you are happy and guilt free of her leaving, and to move forward in peace.

So sorry you’ve been through all of this OP. I really hope the three of you have a wonderful time away and it’s probably exactly what you all need. Your younger DD seems to be feeling much safer and happier without her DSis around which is good and she deserves the chance to live in a calm, peaceful environment too.

My DS age 12 is ASD and although not diagnosed, I’m pretty sure I am and also my DM. As a teenager, the relationship between me and my DM was difficult and fractious and in all honesty it was mostly my fault. I took things out on her because she was my safe person. It wasn’t violent or anything but I said some awful things that I shouldn’t have and also wasn’t there to support her when her DM died etc, I was very self absorbed and almost didn’t regard her as a person with feelings like me or realise that I needed to step up and look after her sometimes. Looking back I feel I wasn’t fully mature emotionally until about age 25 and am sure I’ve since read that the frontal lobe of the brain isn’t fully developed until that age.

So I’m not making excuses for myself or your DD but maybe offering hope that in a few years your DD might be more mature and reflective and able to see how badly she’s treated you. There might be hope yet for a more positive future relationship between the two of you.

Anyway have an amazing time on your travels!

I agree @BellaTheLiverBird and attributing this bullying to autism is giving her an excuse to continue. As she doesn't treat anyone else so badly, it's a choice to be so vicious to her Mum. Yes, her Mum is a safe person, but this is abusive bullying, pure and simple.

For her own protection, the OP needs to step back and let her DH handle interactions with her DD. He needs to protect her from her abuser.

I can’t see your reply @YAdaughterwhen I asked if your dh was her biological Dad.
Is her sister a full sibling ?

She sounds absolutely vile and abusive. Don’t excuse her behaviour because I can guarantee you she is not doing this at Uni or to her friends. She is an adult now so ND is zero excuse. Actually be thankful she’s not coming and bringing her rotten attitude to spoil it for everyone. She really is horrible and you need to hold her accountable for that.