Feeling pushed out of a long-term friendship group over an expensive holiday

[Cherryblossom200]

Hi everyone,

I’m looking for some honest advice and maybe a bit of perspective on a friendship dynamic that’s left me feeling quite sad.

I’ve been part of a close group of mums since our children started Reception together. We became especially close during lockdown and have shared some wonderful memories over the years. Originally it was very much a group of mums and children, but over time it’s naturally evolved into more of a couples’ friendship group.

I’m a single parent to my daughter, and apart from one couple who are currently separating, everyone else is now part of a couple. As partners have become more involved, I’ve increasingly felt like I’m on the outside. The couples often get together at each other’s houses, and the main WhatsApp group is largely driven by one particular couple who organise most things.

The issue that’s brought everything to a head is planning next year’s holiday.

We all went away together last year and, although there were lovely moments, I realised our holiday styles are actually very different. They love large, busy resorts with endless activities and a lively atmosphere, whereas my daughter and I are much happier somewhere smaller and quieter where we can explore local towns and beaches.

The organiser has found a resort that everyone else seems keen on, but because I’m paying for a room on my own, it would cost me and my daughter around £4,000. Most of the couples are paying around £2,500 between two adults and their children, so it’s a very different financial commitment for me.

When I mentioned the cost, I wasn’t expecting everyone to change their plans for my sake, but I had hoped there might be a conversation about whether there were other options that could work for everyone. Instead, I was told I could simply bring another friend to share my room – someone who doesn’t know the group at all. That left me feeling as though I was a logistical problem to solve rather than a friend whose circumstances mattered.

Life has also been quite difficult recently as my dad has dementia, so I think I was probably hoping for a little more understanding than I experienced.

I know people are entitled to spend their money however they choose and book the holiday they want. I genuinely don’t begrudge them that. I think what’s upset me is that this situation has highlighted something I’ve been feeling for a while – that as the group has become more couple-focused, I’ve gradually become less central to it.

I’ve muted the WhatsApp group because I found myself feeling increasingly hurt watching all the excitement about a holiday I simply can’t justify financially. Part of me wonders whether this is just a sign that friendships naturally change, and perhaps it’s time to step back from the group while keeping in touch with the individuals I’m closest to.

Has anyone else experienced something similar? Am I being oversensitive, or does this sound like a friendship that’s simply evolved into something different? I’d really appreciate some honest perspectives.

That is weird.

But I guess that explains why everyone else is more than happy with the suggested resort. They’re saving a fortune compared to the last trip.

The whole thing sounds awful,like a regimental manoeuvre been told what to do at what time.
I actually think you've dodged a bullet, you and your dd can have a lovely holiday together doing what you 2 like doing,and much less ££

I’d find a more chilled way of doing it - book a much cheaper place at the same resort and meet them for drinks/meals (unless they’re all inclusive). Or bail altogether and not worry about it. There’s bound to be a falling out amongst them as the organiser sounds very dominant.

@Onapostyes I did post this when I got back. I think it was exhaustion 🤣

but £5k is not less expensive than £4k?

Neither of you are unreasonable. It's ok to find it's too costly and not want to join/
it's also ok not to want to spend £5k on a holiday that is a compromise you don't like.

No need for people to make compromise and then resentful that it doesn't really work for them. They organise, of course they chose , and who wants to join, does.

If that includes transport, £5k for a holiday is not that expensive. I know some people holiday on MN with their monthly chicken for £25 a month in a campsite, but £5k in a resort is not on the luxury side either.

@morselover69are you being serious? He has end stage Alzheimer’s. I’m actually shocked by your comment.

farewell holiday? he deserves some fun too!

Well then I’m even more confused by why you think they should accommodate only you. They found a way to have a nicer holiday for less money and invited everyone to join them. That works for most people - due to your priorities and tastes, it doesn’t work for you. Save your money and spend it on something you’ll enjoy.

The couple is entitled to book an expensive holiday, but they are not entitled to expect other people to agree without question.

I definitely wouldn’t go.

The power couple sound horrendous and very selfish. They are not factoring in your situation or the couple that are splitting up.

Let them get on with it and do not be upset, just be thankful you haven’t fallen for their nonsense and you’ve used your own common sense.

I bet no one goes after this one.

Doesn't sound at all like they do?

I'm exhausted too! Spreadsheet alpha dominant woman, whoever she is, sounds like a life-sucker. Do you want a relaxing holiday or a spreadsheet-controlled draining time while paying for the privilege?

It’s ok, I’ve made my decision. I want a calmer holiday next year. I’ve just found out my dad had colon cancer, so now we know we don’t have him long it puts things into perspective. I’ve muted the holiday chats and focusing on my family.

Thanks everyone for your support x

Having being the organiser for these type of things, I'm team dominant couple.

The only way to make these things work is just to get an idea of what the majority want and just book it.

You can't let one pereson butt in and change the holiday, because then everyone else either drops out or wants to completely re arrange things in a completely contradictory way, and the whole thing falls apart.

So it’s ok to have no discussion on budget at the start, and for absolutely everyone else to get except me. That doesn’t sound particularly a fair way of doing things, I’ve booked group holidays before and always found something which works budget wise.

You do sound very bitter OP. As PP have pointed out, you can go and suck it up or don't. People are not going to spend that amount of money if they too are unhappy with the option.
I think you are feeling on the outskirts as you are not in a couple, unfortunately that isn't anyone's fault. I will suggest being a bit more laidback with the group and opt in and out for what serves you.

I'm really sorry to hear about your dad. I think you are making the right decision - focus on your family for now and wish your friends a fun time on their holiday. I don't think anyone did anything wrong here, you're just different people with different priorities.

I hope you and your dad have some lovely times together.

Yes that is OK.

A couple found a holiday and decided they want to go on it.
They showed it to their group of friends and invited them to book the same holiday.
The others accepted, you declined.

Why do you think you've suffered some kind of wrong here? There are several other adults who are all happy but because you can't afford it, you want them all to change their plans. Why should they?

Their expectation is that everyone will fall into line with their plans, and that the only solution to offer the OP was that she should share the accommodation with a random someone else who could be invited as well. No thought or consideration was given to her financial situation whatsoever.

I think you are looking at it from the wrong angle. Perhaps it's not one person's job to arrange, research and book a group holiday that suits absolutely everyone, when factoring in different means and different relationship statuses and different personal preferences.

It's for one couple to select the holiday they most want, maybe after some discussion with the one or two other couples they spend the most time with. Then open up the invitation to anyone else who may like to join them. There is no obligation if it doesn't float your boat for whatever reason.

I think you've made the right decision for you, having a quiet time, and focusing on your dad.

Honestly, while it does depend on how many couples, yes, you have to be a bit of a dictator. If the thing has momentum, and everyone else was happy with it, you can't allow one person to derail it.

It sounds like you just have very different holiday tastes. That does not mean that they don't value you.

Honestly, while I like a "quiet holiday", it really doesn't work if you have more than 2 or 3 families. Quaint little hotels don't have spaces that can hold you all at once. Cute little cafes can't seat you all. Organising activities is a nightmare.

If you really want to do something different next time, then show up to the group with a detailed plan, not a vague suggestion. If someone suggests a place and says "I might look at hotels", I assume that they won't actually look at hotels, because 9 times out of 10 they don't.

For future years, perhaps you could just join them for part of the time, and then go and have a bit of quiet holiday, ie, do it half and half? Or join them every second year or so?