Ancestry DNA shock result

[rageagainstthemachine72]

My daughter did a dna test, results came back 25% Italian. I thought that's weird, that must mean one of her parents is half italian, so I did a test, yes you guessed it I'm 48% Italian and my two sisters who tested years ago came up as half sisters. Devastated, mum died two years ago and the man who I thought was my father died over 30 years ago. Not really sure what I'm looking for regarding this post, just some support and anyone out there with similar stories.

if by "child" you mean "adult descendent" then I wouldn't argue with you although I think that there is also the right of others to keep their secrets. I am not sure its right to do it when you still have living older relatives who also have a right to their privacy.
If by "child" you mean a child then I absolutely disagree. I think that such things should be the province of adults only unless there is a medical or legal need.

A woman gets pregnant from rape and decides to keep the child. Her partner, who loves her, supports her decision and raises the child as his own. The child grows up in a loving home doted on by both parents. In all things except DNA, this child is the product of the mum and dad who raised them. The child has dad's mannerisms, facial expressions, speech patterns, interests, beliefs.

You think the mum should tell this happy child she loves, "Actually, darling, your biological father was a rapist"? What good could possibly come of that? For anyone?

Yes,

A few years ago my mum took the test and so did my cousin. My cousin came up as her half nephew. This means his parent was my mum's half sibling.

My gran is still alive. Entire family knows. No one has mentioned anything to my gran. I actually think it is quite a betrayal against my gran to have people talking behind her back like that but God knows it is not my position to ever mention it.

We also found out that my grans closest sister was her half sister. This sister has since passed away, and again, no one has said anything to my gran.

I have no sense of blame or judgement on the women. The context matters. In this case my gran was a mid teens girl who had a child with a 30 year old man in the 1950s.

None of that was right. So who knows what happened and why she has kept the secret?

No he's not that much older than me

I feel your pain, I was led to believe that my mother's ex husband was my father. He died she watched me and my children grieve my dad and their grandad....then my daughter wanted to find out what part of the world we were from and did a dna test. Wasn't laughing when she asked me why this guy was showing up as her grandad when none of us recognised the name....including mother. No real explanation, no apology ....im sorry for what you're going through but it doesn't change the relationship you had or the love given and full blood or not they're still your family DNA is science, family bond is love...and how cool is being half italian?

No, you are not giving away anybody else's DNA.

In the case I mentioned, it was only after a court order from the High Court that a DNA sample of this man was provided.

As I understand it, they uploaded the child's DNA to Ancestry and found some distant relations who were not related to the mother.

That means that these people must be related to the father.

They would then have built a family tree (using purely records that are publicly available) for these DNA matches so that they could find all the cousins, aunts and uncles, second cousins etc of the DNA matches.

Somewhere within that family tree would be the father of the child. It would then be a case of finding a man of the correct sort of age who may have been in the right place at the right time.

They found a man in that family tree whose name the mother recognised.

Following that, they made an application to the court and the court ordered that a DNA test be done to determine paternity.

So, no, you are not giving away anybody else's DNA.

If you put your DNA on Ancestry and find a DNA match then that means that the two of you are related.

Knowing that, you can then look at other publicly available records, such as birth certificates and marriage certificates etc to find other people that you are both related to.

You really think it's okay to lie by omission to a child about who their biological parent is? Surely it should be explained to a child in an age-appropriate way from when they're very little, just as parents of adoptive and donor-conceived children do?

Fortunately, people who deal regularly with this type of circumstance do not take the crass approach that you set out. Presumably that’s done for effect, but the way you phrase this detracts from the point that I’m guessing you were trying to make.

Children all over the world, of all ages, have to come to terms with what their biological parents have done. Unknown or unacknowledged paternity is only one of those actions and by no means the most traumatic.

So sorry ur going through this op. What a shock!
Not very similar, but my mum has now passed and ive been no contact with my dad for a few years. When I was young I cheekily went on my mums phone, she was arguing with her sister and her sister threatened in a message to tell me who my real dad is. I ignored it and never brought it up. Years later after mum passed my sister came to me and said someone in mums family told her im not my dad's bio daughter and she had an affair. Dad oblivious to all of this.
Ive wondered whether to do a dna test, but worried about it tainting my view on my mum if its turns out my dad isnt my bio dad and I was never told.
Maybe one day.

I just had a peek at an Amazon sample, looks fantastic. Thanks for the recommendation.

Good luck, OP.

Outdated. Archaic. Disrespectful. And depressing as fuck.

Is your late Mum’s sister still alive and compis mentis - she knows as she threatened to tell you.
You could ask her.
I’d have to know but I am inquisitive 😀

I don't think we should judge the secrets of the past by modern day standards. It is really easy to overlook nowadays the huge shame of children born outside of marriage or from an affair or anything that now we wouldn't bat an eyelid at.

I was born in a mother and baby home run by nuns for unwed mothers and I'm in my mid 50s. My birth mother's family didn't know she had had a baby until decades later. It really wasn't that long ago that people felt they had no option but to hide the truth.

I have nothing but compassion for the secret compromises that people had to make in giving their babies away or not acknowledging their own child but have it passed off as a nephew etc. Families who found ways around this to keep the baby in their own family were heroic in my opinion.

Unless you’re specifically looking for someone, nothing good comes of ancestry DNA. Leave it well alone and just live your life.

OP, when you say ‘second cousins removed’ , how far removed ? Probably you know this, but a second cousin will share great grandparents with you, once removed means that they are one generation away from you, either they are the second cousin of a parent, or that they have a parent who is your second cousin. This isn’t really that far away. It’s also helpful to look at your matches’ dna, so you can look at only the ones who match with your paternal side. From that you may be able to work out a surname, and a region of Italy. If the surname is unusual you may be able to look in your home area for possible connections. Are there any other people alive who knew your Mum well enough to be party to a secret ? As now that you know the basics, someone might be happier to tell you.
Good luck ! I found out that my Mum had a half sister from my Grandfather’s first marriage, she had died before Mum was born, leaving a newborn baby. He was my Mum’s nephew but older than her, so that was a lovely surprise. I also found out that my Mum’s other sister, close in age to her, was in fact her half sister. Goodness knows how my (then unmarried, she married a year before my Mum was born) grandmother managed to keep her but thankfully she did.

Be kind to yourself - NPEs are much more common than people think.
If you are interested in learning more about your background then getting some support from one of the Facebook groups mentioned above would be a good place to start.
Family history is my main hobby and i really enjoy it but this is the reason I'd never give a DNA kit as a gift to someone.
I already have one NPE in my family - my GGrandfather was someone different - but anyone who could be hurt by this information is no longer alive so its just an interesting fact [Irish ancestry].
I am fairly sure we have another NPE but until this possible person tests then noone will ever know. I suspect they have no idea that they have a different father who is my family member.

Agreed.

no I am talking about allowing children to do commercial DNA tests......which is what I thought this thread was about? I wouldn't presume to make judgements about what parents should tell their children about their parentage but I think its not as straightforward as you suggest..children of rape or children of serious criminals springs to mind....would you for instance tell a child that their biological parent was a paedophile? Or that their dad was eg Fred West?

Correct. Adults have the right to know where they come from.

Of course it changes your history in the context of medicine - hereditary disease and being predisposed to certain ailments.

Also growing up thinking you share a certain parents characteristics, to then find out that’s a genetic impossibility is heartbreaking. You literally don’t know where you came from

Thank you for the recommendation!!

What a terrible shock, OP. Hope you are OK.

Given the timing, is it possible that your biological father was originally a WWII POW brought to England for farm work etc?

What was the remaining breakdown of your DNA result after 48% Italian?

Why is this an issue? Maybe your mother and father had some Italian dna

She's 53 not 83.