Husband doesn’t appreciate gift

[MrsM101]

I’m pretty upset and feeling unappreciated. I’ve saved for 3 years for my husband’s 50th birthday to make it a special one. I spent months researching and planning and booked Dubai for his birthday, really spent a lot more than I’ve ever done before to show my appreciation and make his birthday special, also purchased a watch he had been after on top of it all which cost a bomb. I just really wanted to celebrate him. Firstly he is annoyed that I didn’t allow him to hand pick the watch himself even though he told me that’s the one he loved, secondly he is annoyed that I planned a holiday and he wasn’t involved in the planning and doesn’t want to go. I have shed so many tears and feel so unappreciated. I didn’t see it going this way. I just don’t understand what I’ve done wrong

Bless you. … what a lovely thing to do for him. I hope the chat goes well and he recognises what a lovely thing you have done for him. Show him this message!

That extra detail about him having gifted you a surprise holiday does change the picture a bit. If he planned a surprise break for your big birthday, then he clearly isn’t against surprises, he actually enjoys doing them.

In that case, his reaction sounds less like “I don’t want this” and more like “I wish I’d been involved in choosing it”, which is a very different emotional driver.
But the important bit is still the same: you put hours of effort into something thoughtful, and his delivery was hurtful. Even if he prefers to choose big purchases himself, he could have expressed that without making you feel unappreciated.

A calm conversation might help, not about blame, but about the fact that you were trying to mirror the kind of gesture he’s made for you, and his reaction landed badly. He needs to be made strongly aware of the sacrifices you made in an attempt to treat and please him.

The thing is... if he didn't like the surprise gifts... he could have just gently said. This is very kind of you, and I hope you don't mind, but I'd rather return the watch and choose one myself.

I can't comment on what he should have said aobut the holiday since it was on his bucket list. He's done surprise holidays and is free to plan the itinery.

It's one thing to not like the gifts, but to be giving you the silent sulks because you went to all this trouble to please him... makes me think this is not just about the holiday and its Horrible behaviour..

He comes across as someone who is fault finding and beyond pleasing.

Is this a one off or has he got form for criticising everything you do and sulking about it?.. because that is very destructive and personally I'd never give another gift again to someone who treated me like that and made me apologise for organising, and then not accept the apology, even though

YOU DIDN'T DO ANYTHING WRONG!!!!

All gifts should be received graciously. But just sometimes, when the most desired long awaited and expensive gift isn't done quite right, the disappointment can't always be masked quite as easily as with a modest gift.

Yes, the husband could have pretended to be thrilled, and sacrificed his own feelings to ensure his wife's were not. But perhaps he was worried that she might waste years planning a similar thing for a subsequent birthday which he didn't want to happen again. Ideally they need to have a conversation about gifting styles and needs much earlier on. The wife knew about the desired watch and the desired destination, but simply missed the importance to her husband of being involved in planning and choosing of these once in a lifetime purchases.. A simple mistake maybe, but one that can be learned from. It's also an ideal opportunity to have a cconversation with him about her own preferences when it comes to receiving gifts, as clearly they are not the same.

I agree with some of the posts above.

As I said in a previous post, I'd probably feel much like your husband if you sprung these surprises on me.

The difference is, my DP would never know that. I'd recognise that she did a nice thing for me, and I'd enjoy what I'd been given. And then before my next big birthday, I'd make the point that I like planning my own holidays, like picking my own big presents.

Yes, you got it wrong. But instead of choosing to make the most of it, he decided to hurt you, to make you feel small. He's an arse.

And there are people on this thread trying to justify his disgusting behaviour.

Your wife took the effort to work overtime and save hard to buy you an expensive watch that you've wanted for a long time and book a holiday for you to a place you want to go and yet you throw a tantrum that you didn't get to experience picking it yourself.

Not to add that he also planned surprise trip for her 40th, imagine if she reacted the way he has.

What a childish twat.

And he can see his actions have made his wife cry and he doesn't care.

Yes I really can't believe some of the awful responses in this thread!

The effort and thoughtfulness alone from the OP would have been so touching. The husband has behaved absolutely disgracefully and I would be returning the watch and taking a friend on holiday.

So let me get this straight ... it was ok for him to arrange a surprise holiday for your birthday but not the other way round! You definitely need to raise this with him when you have the chat!

Your husband is covered in red flags here .
You saved FOR YEARS, worked overtime to get him what he wanted, and he is making you feel bad. This is raising all kinds of alarm bells.

OP, your husband does other things that are ‘off’, yes?

@Seajaye ,All gifts should be received graciously.
I'd much prefer it if someone was gracious but was honest.

Yes, I think the husband was trying to be honest but clearly the OP was upset by this.

I hate planning holidays so would be over the moon if this was done for me! Same with the watch if it was one I really wanted.
Id be gutted if I put that much effort into the surprises to be met with that kind of response. Sorry OP.

Being gracious and honest are not mutually exclusive. The husband was an absolute arse to the OP. I don't really care about how much he wanted to be fawned over by a stranger in a shop, he has upset the woman he is supposed to love, trampled all over her hard work and planning, received 2 gifts most people could only dream off, and then ignored her obvious distress.
Given her previous experience with him, he is not averse to surprises, and she explicitly said he would also have been upset if there hadn't been a surprise.
I am so completely baffled how anyone can even try to justify his behaviour.

I guess everyone is different but I just simply couldn’t fathom having this reaction to someone being so thoughtful and never in a million years would my partner react like this either, he’d be absolutely over the moon about being given a gift he loved as well as a fabulous holiday. My 40th was earlier this year and my partner, knowing I’d always wanted a mulberry handbag, selected one and bought it for me as a gift. It was upwards of £1,500 but wouldn’t have been what I’d have chosen, but I absolutely adore it and use it all the time because it’s a thoughtful and beautiful gift that he spent time and money to get me something lovely. I would be cringing if I’d have been annoyed that I couldn’t have chosen it myself. He also planned a long weekend away, again not somewhere I’d have booked if it was me doing it but we had the absolute best time just being together and I was so grateful for the time and effort he put into it. I can’t imagine ever having any other reaction

OP, has this sort of thing happened in the past when you've tried to give him special gifts? My DH was like this, was always unhappy about whatever gift I gave him. So I stopped giving him gifts - done. Only get him something very small at bday and Xmas for the children's sake, but no big presents ever. It's sad, but it's the only way I could cope.

He’s a big ungrateful baby.

How pathetic to be so sulky. “Shop experience” - that’s ridiculous.

You’ve been very kind and thoughtful. Is he always so self centred?

Did your DH get to choose what you bought him?

my DH is always delighted with his gifts, because I only get him what he picks and I buy it wrap it and give it to him on his birthday or Christmas. He can't be unhappy with his own choice.

the DH in the OP is being unreasonable because both gifts were what he wanted but he's just throwing a hissy fit because he didn't get to actually be there and choose them in the moment. What an entitled brat. I couldn't be with someone that ungracious and petty.

Some people are simply happier giving and receiving token gifts. But I can see why, if someone prefers to give extravagant gifts and possibly to receive the same, they might find that disappointing and incompatible with their needs. The trick might be to try find the balance to fit the personalities earlier on in the relationship.

Your wife took the effort to work overtime and save hard to buy you an expensive watch that you've wanted for a long time and book a holiday for you to a place you want to go and yet you throw a tantrum that you didn't get to experience picking it yourself.

This sums it up. I've already posted upthread but have given more thought to the "shop/booking" experience angle. The items were what he wanted. The activities and meals in Dubai can still be chosen by him. So it seems the real issue is that he feels deprived that he couldn't feel like Billy Big Balls spending "his" money. It wasn't his money. But he wanted to pretend it was, for OP to hand it over and she and her efforts to save and give him a huge lovely present be pretty much rendered invisible.

What. A. Cunt.

Wow! he sounds like a real piece of work. Over the last 3 years you have been planning the ultimate surprise for him and this is reaction you get, it is absolutely disgusting!. He does not deserve you. Take the watch back and get your money, buy yourself something nice. Take someone else to Dubai, ensure you take plenty of pictures and show him what he missed. This manchild is an Absolute D**k!!