Husband doesn’t appreciate gift

[MrsM101]

I’m pretty upset and feeling unappreciated. I’ve saved for 3 years for my husband’s 50th birthday to make it a special one. I spent months researching and planning and booked Dubai for his birthday, really spent a lot more than I’ve ever done before to show my appreciation and make his birthday special, also purchased a watch he had been after on top of it all which cost a bomb. I just really wanted to celebrate him. Firstly he is annoyed that I didn’t allow him to hand pick the watch himself even though he told me that’s the one he loved, secondly he is annoyed that I planned a holiday and he wasn’t involved in the planning and doesn’t want to go. I have shed so many tears and feel so unappreciated. I didn’t see it going this way. I just don’t understand what I’ve done wrong

Well no, presumably they don't have the money to do this regularly. And why would you buy a second expensive watch???

What ignorance? You just called me moronic. It didn't touch a nerve at all. I told you clearly I don't care what you think.

I just think you're bizarrely and unnecessarily rude.

It's irrelevant - OP has said that's what he now says he wanted. Have you not read her posts, or are you suggesting she's made it up?

So everyone insisting he got what he wanted is incorrect.

That doesn't mean he was right to want what he did, or react how he did, or communicate his wants in the way that he did, or deserves everything he wants, or OP didn't make an effort or anything else.

It simply means OP now knows what he wanted included a thing she hadn't known to include.

The man might be overreacting and unappreciative. But I don't think there is anything fundamentally immature about wanting the (once in a lifetime?) experience of going to an expensive watch shop and experiencing that kind of customer service. Not everyone would want it, but I can see that some might and there's nothing wrong with that.

OP - How are things today? I'm hoping he has given his head a wobble and realised what an ungrateful prat he is being.

He owes you a proper reasoned explanation for his behaviour and an apology. Ok, he'd have liked to be involved but you did it with the best of intentions and he needs to realise that. Saying he's not going is like a sulky child. How on earth does he see that panning out when the date comes around?

If no apology is forthcoming, then I'd definitely return the watch and say you're off to Dubai with a friend as PPs have said, but leave it for a few,days in case he realises that he's out of order and being an ungrateful git.

Exactly. Some people just don't deserve the time and effort. My ex was like this until the point I didn't bother wasting my time and energy when the response was just a disappointed look even though it was a present I knew they wanted.
I bet he doesn't go out of his way for you OP. It's often one sided. Sorry it's turned out like this. As others said tell him you'll return the watch and cancel the holiday. If he wants to buy those again then he knows what to do. Damned if I'd go on holiday with someone so ungrateful.

I'd still say that I'm returning it so he can go and buy it himself and have the experience. It's not Pretty Woman! The man's got a problem...

Well it's her money, he can save his own money for 3 years. If she hadn't bought him this holiday presumably he wouldn't be going to Dubai at all. No one owes you a birthday present, so it not being 100% what you want can't be taking something from you.
And because the shop experience is so important to him?

I don't think either of you is wrong. It's just that different people approach these things differently. Is he generally the sort of person who gets involved in the planning of the holiday and gets excited about it? A thing often has more meaning when you've put a load of thought into it. In fact part of the meaning this holiday has for you is because of the planning you've put in. Something like Dubai is likely a one off, so did he maybe imagine staying in one place but you've booked another?

Same with the watch. Part of the experience of a luxury thing can be going to the shop and coming out with a fancy bag. Had he planned that in his head and now that plan's been changed?

I once had a partner buy me a relatively expensive gift. It was something I really wanted but he didn't buy quite the right one. I'd planned on buying one when we bought a house together and was so looking forward to choosing. And his genuinely thoughtful gift; well, I just felt guilty about how unappreciative I was. And annoyed that he'd spent money on something that I only half wanted but now couldn't justify the right one. And he was upset because he thought he'd done a nice thing and I was being ungrateful.

So I'm saying talk to each other. Both try and see the other person's side. And try and enjoy the later stages of holiday planning together.

Where did I say anything about anger? You do understand that there are more nuanced emotions than defaulting to anger?

And yes, my family do know not to buy me extravagant gifts without a conversation first. Same as I would do them rhe courtesy of discussing with them.

I think he sounds like an absolute childish fun sponge. You haven’t done anything wrong, return the watch, go on the trip with someone else. Most importantly make a promise to yourself to match his negative energy when he picks you a present.

He didn't get "a watch buying experience". Oh dear god. Can you actually believe you just typed that? And can you actually believe that you're defending a privileged sulking man baby who's just been given an expensive watch and a trip to Dubai but decided to make his wife cry. He wanted that specific watch and to visit Dubai (it's in the OP). So he was clear and the goalposts were not shifted. Honestly if those are your personal grounds to be a nasty cow to your husband then your world and priorities must be very far removed from mine, and quite frankly reality.

Take the watch back and give him the money.

Cancel the holiday.

Have a real think about your future.

Some people like surprises some dont.
Does he generally like surprises or prefer to choose for himself?
if you know he doesnt like surprises and went ahead for your own reasons i would have some sympathy with him.
If he generally likes to be surprised but on this occasion didnt ,i have more sympathy with you.
For really expensive gifts i would always clarifiy that is exactly what the person wanted and hadnt changed their mind but imsomeone who really doesnt like surprises.

I don't understand most luxury goods and status symbols, and wouldn't want either of these things but OP's DH obviously does, so it's not unreasonable that he wants the full experience, the one he dreamt of for his bucket list.

Even if I didn’t really like the gifts who the hell acts this ungrateful?!
Wanted to experience the shop
himself? Ok refund the watch he can buy it with his own money.
As for Dubai, ok I can understand this more as don’t like surprise holidays but if my dh surprised me with this do you think I’d stand there and mow about how I don’t want to go because I didn’t plan it?! Grown adults are not toddlers although some have the emotional intelligence of a toddler as ca be seen with this husband.

Neither do I. I couldn't care less about status symbols and designer gear. And you wouldn't catch me visiting Dubai for a whole host of moral reasons. But as a widow of 10 years, I'd give anything to have someone care that much about me. He's a lucky lucky man and to make someone cry because he basically didn't get to go to the shops is beyond pathetic, even in the "me, me, me" society that we live in these days.

It is the exact watch he wanted. What experience is he talking about?

Hello sir, how can I help you?
I would like that watch right there please.
Here you are sir, that will be One Crapload
Thank you
Good bye

Experience over.

Unless he wanted to go get his arse kissed in the shop and play mr big spender looking at everything, being served, and cos playing as a rich guy.

I understand the holiday thing a bit more, its normal to want to be involved in choosing the hotel etc.

I know my husband would want to be involved in buying a special watch, he gets a lot of enjoyment from the purchase and the thrill of buying something like that, but had I gone and got it for him, he would still be really happy and grateful! I'd take it back if I were you! He doesn't deserve your kindness! I'd also look at what you can do with the trip, get some money back and change it to a different destination and go with a friend. He is a selfish prick! This would make me seriously consider my future with a person like that

I think some posters on here have never been on the receiving end of serious ingratitude from a loved and trusted person. Or they routinely dole it out and think it is no big issue.

I have been the victim and I can tell you it is uniquely painful. I don't feel bitter as the person is not in my life any more (I wonder why) but I have never forgotten it. If this DH does not apologise soon, sincerely and grovellingly, it will probably permanently damage his marriage and he needs to know that.

The posts suggesting that there is fault on both sides are misguided too imo. There is no equivalence here; the OP is not a mind reader and is not at fault for not knowing how to bestow her gifts in the precise form 100% acceptable to the DH. Believe it or not most people are just grateful for what is included within the gift and don't dwell on what isnt.

You haven't messed anything up.

He's being a prick. On purpose. Please see that.

You know, I really think the world is divided into those who love surprises and those who hate them.

I absolutely hate them. Cannot stand them. I like to be involved in the planning of a holiday and have an input into where we are going and see pictures of it first etc because the anticipation of it brings me joy.

Same with expensive personal items of jewellery that I might wear because I am very fussy about what I like and what I dont.

Now, that does NOT mean your husband should be acting like an ungrateful dick about it by any means but he should be talking to you about it and explaining why he feels the way he does. But I do understand why he hates a surprise.

If someone had saved for years and made such an effort to buy me something I really wanted, I would be grateful and appreciate the thoughtfulness. I'm so sorry that your husband does not feel the same.

Some people just don't get that not everyone is the same.
There's a 'Do I let myself have this thing I want so much?' element that is such a big part of it.
Instead you get 'I wanted you to have this.'

Its safe enough but you are right, if not already there, probably better not to actively go there. The alerts are reassuring in that the defence system is effective, it is strange how quickly we got used to the booms and alarms. No need to leave the Gulf if you live there but would be alarming if you weren't already used to it as a new kind of Covid situation. I am not in Dubai but nearby.