Handhold please- exH marrying OW and my DDs will be flower girls at the wedding

[Mensuckbigtime]

When does the pain stop?
it’d been 4 years, but I am constantly reminded of what he’s done as we have two DDs together- I have to smile when they tell me stories about her, pretend that I don’t mind. It’s absolutely awful

now DD has told me that they’re getting married and she and sister will be flower girls.

I know it’s well within his „rights“ to do so. But the thought of our girls being flower girls while he’s marrying the woman he betrayed me with- is killing me

How am I ever supposed to heal and get over this, if I have to have contact with him and OW spends loads of time with the girls?

it’d like the wound can never heal and I feel stuck in a life I didn’t choose or want

She would be stupid to have children with this man knowing there's a high possibility that her own children may well be expected to attend dotingly upon his next bride-to-be at any future wedding to the future woman he cheats on her with.

I can understand the pain - I’ve been there. But after 4 years to not have self control over your actions and thinking that sending him a message is appropriate is indicative that there is something that needs addressing. Clearly there is some part of you that is struggling to move forward.
He won’t give a flying fuck what you said in your message. Send your girls to the wedding and let them enjoy it, for their sake.
sex and the city is not the best place to take advice on grieving (because it is a type of grief). Maybe consider it would be a good thing if you found someone to help you navigate it?

I seriously suspected that the fertility problems were on his side! Hence he was so damned nasty.
Please dont be undermined by this guy .
You have already moved on and the best may be yet to come.

It’s not for you to say what the OP feels guilty about. Clearly the intention behind my post wasn’t to be unsupportive or make the OP feel guilty. I think she’d be perfectly within her rights to ask him not to have her children be in the bridal party of the OW. Because as Jennifer Anitson once said it’s missing a sensitivity chip. Good for her that she hasn’t. But she doesn’t need to feel guilty either way. Guilt has nothing to do with it.

And it's not for you to say the girls shouldn't be going to the wedding when the OP has already said that decision has been made & has simply asked for support to get through it.

That was unhelpful and you know it so don't try to turn things back on me.

Stop pontificating at me. You’re not a moderator.

Stop pontificating at me. You are in no more position to tell me “you know it” than you are to know the Op’s emotions. It is very obvious my post didn’t come from a bad place. If you don’t like it, it’s not your thread.
And I wouldn’t be “turning anything on you” if you hadn’t randomly decided to lecture me.

Amazing how when some posters are called out for something they really can't cope with it.
I have been supportive of the OP throughout this thread because that's what she came here for when she asked for a "handhold".

Shame nor everyone did the same.

Why do you need to “call me out”? What emotional need does that fulfil in you? Do you feel ah I had a righteous day on the internet today, I showed her!!

I came onto this thread & pointed out how young DDs were when DH left in response to a “men dont leave happy marriages” I pointed out that this man had 10 years to decide whether to be be with the Op. And you have jumped on one post I wrote on the way to work which I have said multiple times wasn’t badly intended.

I have always intended to support the OP, so move over on the moral high ground, there’s room for everyone.

I was specifically talking about the two posters who were happy to tell the "well the OW got cancer so boo yah" stories.

Whatever those people have done in life, to be almost gleeful someone has had cancer, because you know, karma... well that makes you a special kind of arsehole.

*not YOU, because you didn't say it.

Don't be so ridiculous and over the top.

I simply pointed out that you telling the OP that the "symbolism of that is awful" regarding her daughters being flower girls was a very unhelpful comment to make and could make her feel a guilt she shouldn't feel about a situation which is largely out of her hands.
And I stand by that.

You are the one who seemed to get deeply offended by me pointing that out and have been accusing me of speaking for the OP etc etc
Saying you posted "on the way to work" and didn't intend anything is a weak excuse.

Perhaps think more carefully about what you post in future then?

I also think it is a dangerous attitude because it feeds into a idea that people who get cancer sometimes, somehow "deserve" it - and I feel that attitude is quite apparent on MN regarding obesity, which is also often a complicated health circumstance yet people seem to feel a "serves you right" harshness is appropriate. Of course some people get obese because of behaviour or lifestyle, but that isn't always the case by a long stretch and I think attaching blame to health conditions is a slippery slope.

So, in short, I agree that cancer - or any specific illness or misfortune - should not be linked to deeds or behaviour BUT I do think the general observation that "what goes around comes around" often holds water.

I saw your post, as well as @the7Vabo 's and I wasn't sure that pp was trying to angle things that way, and I also thought the OP might just as easily have felt understood by the observation about the symbolism, in so far as the whole event is hurtful to her.

He had to turn YOU into the unreasonable villain because HE cannot be the villain in his own life.

That's exactly it OP - and the villain he needs to make you out to be is in proportion to how big a villain he knows himself to be deep down.

You see this day in, day out over even very small issues. It's probably the leading guilt management technique of the unscrupulous - and even of some reasonably upright people too!

Oh Lord Jesus Christ- im a 45 year old woman. The sex and the city thing was a joke

and yes, I did send him a message that wasn’t nice, but hey ho.

I’m doing my very best to do right by my children

I don’t feel I need to do right by him and I can’t be „hinged“ 24/7 365 days of the year

the expectations are insane

You said “will just serve to make her feel guilt”. Will, not could. Difference.

Also, that is speaking for the Op. And I fail to see what guilt has to do with it. As you said it wasn’t a decision she made. An he left her. So she clearly has nothing to feel guilty about.

And more importantly my intention wasn’t to make her feel guilty! If I had said “Op you’re a terrible mother for allowing this!” you’d have a point.

You were the one who engaged with me in the first place to pontificate about how you think Im making the Op feel guilty. And you didn’t bother to read all my posts either.

I'd ignore that.

There is no shame in taking time to process hurt.

Maybe it was meant differently then. 🤷‍♀️

But there have been so many unhelpful posts criticising the idea of the OP's children being flower girls when that decision has clearly been made & the OP was just seeking support around it, that it was hard to tell.

And the dramatic response back accusing me of "not knowing how the OP feels" etc rather than just explaining that intention clearly led me to see it differently to you.

No one said that you had to do right by him. But I don’t think the expectation that you don’t cry at your children for their dad getting married or send him messages is an insane expectation. The fact you think it is would be concerning and perhaps you would do better to genuinely self reflect on this thread. You have clearly posted purely for affirmation and aren’t open to consider other opinions.

Calm down.
It's not our thread, just leave it now.

Just to clarify. It’s probably going to hurt a lot to know that the girls will be flowers girls at the wedding of the x and the OW

But I won’t and can’t stop it.

its just one of those things that come along with this shot. OW is parting their life, I didn’t chose it and I hate it, but keeping them away from the wedding, won’t change that

Yes, child-me was a real arsehole to feel as though it was rather karmic that the very unpleasant woman involved in setting off a chain of events that ruined my young life, was dead. Absolute arsehole I was.
(Although nowhere did I say that I felt gleeful. It just felt like a 'couldn't happen to a nicer person' type thing, and oddly karmic.)

Anyway, the point is definitely more that, as I've said, OP's ex-husband's new marriage is unlikely to either last, or be happy, because (like most cheaters) he's unlikely to be great at sustaining a relationship once it hits its first rough patch, as he lacks honesty, integrity, loyalty and selflessness.

point taken. We won’t agree on this one

i cried, I didn’t plan to, I stopped as soon as I could, spoke to my children about it

is there ever a situation when a woman is allowed to cry in front of her children?

and more importantly- can feelings and their manifestations be controlled all the time?!!

Your strength and dignity is admirable, op. I'm sure one day your daughters will look back and recognise how difficult it must have been for you, and admire you for getting through it all with such grace.