Handhold please- exH marrying OW and my DDs will be flower girls at the wedding

[Mensuckbigtime]

When does the pain stop?
it’d been 4 years, but I am constantly reminded of what he’s done as we have two DDs together- I have to smile when they tell me stories about her, pretend that I don’t mind. It’s absolutely awful

now DD has told me that they’re getting married and she and sister will be flower girls.

I know it’s well within his „rights“ to do so. But the thought of our girls being flower girls while he’s marrying the woman he betrayed me with- is killing me

How am I ever supposed to heal and get over this, if I have to have contact with him and OW spends loads of time with the girls?

it’d like the wound can never heal and I feel stuck in a life I didn’t choose or want

but I cried 🤪

Absolutely. You had to make that choice and I agree with you that it's the right one in the circumstances.
You are being very dignified in this painful process and I admire that hugely because I know how hard it is to do
X

OP you should book yourself a lovely nice weeks holiday during the wedding 😊 go away with your girlfriends or even yourself if you are comfortable. Means you get a relaxing break to hopefully keep your mind off things but also distance yourself so you arent having to rush around and pick them up from the "happy couple 🫣🤢"

trust me, this OW and your ExH will be looking over their shoulders for the rest of their life together. thats their karma ☺️🩷

You are well shot 🤭 wishing you all the best xx

Haven't we all?
I certainly know I did but my kids, young adults now, seem to be well adjusted & doing well so hopefully it hasn't done any lasting damage.

Yes of course they can. But personally I think when it puts them in a position where they be emotionally torn between two parents it is probably best not too. It’s different from them seeing you cry for a reason unconnected to their dad, I just think it puts pressure on them. But we aren’t perfect - I never said we are and I also said I do understand as I’ve been through it. Feelings do just appear, what was slightly more worrying was your reaction to it. Not ‘that was a bit of a balls up, will address it so it doesn’t happen again’ but an acceptance that that’s just life.
sorry I’m not articulating myself particularly well - I’m attempting to plan a wedding and care for my terminally ill father at the same time and my brain has turned to melted marshmallow!!

sorry your struggling at the moment

i totally agree with you, I don’t want them to get into a loyalty bind, but really ExH made this really hard for me (and his children) by not giving me the heads up

i felt bad for crying but decided I couldn’t change it after it happened, so I tried to minimise the effect on the girls

but I don’t want to feel shame for being sad especially if I wasn’t given the chance to process the news before meeting my children

that was a joke!!!

it’s totally fine to show emotions💕

Yeah, I know it was & my response was also meant to be tongue in cheek too regarding "lasting damage" - of course there wouldn't be!
Hard to always convey things online...

Thank you. Just life being life at the moment!
yes that was out of order of him. Very much so and you shouldn’t feel ashamed.
it’s so hard, I know it is. My XH cheated on me with his best friends fiancé (and my maid of honour!). They got married and are still together 20 years later. It doesn’t bother me at all anymore because quite frankly I don’t really remember him that well but their wedding wasn’t a lovely feeling.

Lol, that's true – after all, a small crying fit is terribly abusive and damaging 🙃 Honestly, what some people expect of parents (or mothers, at least, as the expectations obviously don't extend to fathers!) is just ridiculous.

I always think that children sometimes seeing their parents are human, and have emotions, is a good thing. (Of course, they also need to feel safe, secure, and not burdened by their parents' emotions, but it doesn't seem like you're doing the latter.)

I think we are probably all feeling bad for OP in different ways.

No.

Not sure where you’ve been living. It’s all over tv/radio/magazines/poster boards 🤔
But yes, it’s 1 in 2 will get cancer in their lifetime, largely stemmed by people living longer than previous generations, cancer is primarily a disease associated with older age, if you live long enough, the probability of developing abnormal cell changes increases significantly (from cancer research site).

No need to be sarcastic, I can't say I have seen it promoted as a 2:1 chance.

Let's face it, if we live long enough we will get all sorts of ailments that may well kill us before the big CA gets us.

It’s fine that you cried. You’re only human. Are we supposed to be showing our children its not right to express emotions?

Exactly this.

Incidentally, for the same reason I believe that - within reason - you don't have to hide every argument from children. That's how they learn resolution skills.

Obviously not violence or abusive language, but they need to understand that having an argument is an aspect of a relationship that they need to navigate - not run away.

Op what I would not do or even entertain is if he asks for you to get them ready drop them off and pick them up. That’s for him to plan and to be responsible for. Not your circus. your are not his PA.

I would suggest keeping all communication you get from him put it in a folder. So when your children are old enough and your ex rewrites history as they so often do. You can give them access to the folder if they want to see it. (I have done this). When ever my daughter tells me things about her father. I just reply that’s nice. She is an adult and sees him for what he is (I haven’t let her see the folder and she doesn’t know it exists yet).

This is a difficult time for you I felt the same many years ago when he announced she was pregnant. Everyone was soo pleased in his family! My kids were pushed to the side she admitted to me after they had split (she found him in bed in their home with another woman) that she had actively prevented him from having a relationship with our children, and a few members of his family were also involved. Get this we were still married at this point). I told him he could deal with that I wasn’t his fucking secretary anymore sorting shit out for him. We are divorced now!

However, I came out the other side laughing at his actions and what he gets up to. Hasn’t seen one of our children in over 3 years the eldest might go and see him purely out of obligation. Might be 1/2 times a year.

It always gets better. You are doing great wish u had my own business. Be proud of yourself and what you have achieved. Xxxx

Well neither you nor I were there so we dont know, but in any case no where did I say the OP 'leaned ' on her children. You said 'since when is crying in front of a child, traumatising,' and I said that while some crying wouldn't be and would be healthy (ie death) as we should be able to express emotion, some crying might be, and this could be one of them, particualry if it becomes regular. I said that crying could mean that children take responsibility for a parents sadness, and could lead to the child not telling their parent important things. I also said we are all human and of course that may happen and if its a one off that's fine. But even then it's important that the parent then discusses it with the child. Children are not the parents support network. Hope thats clearer.

It is very tough but one day your daughters will be grown up and you will need to consider what your independence truly looks like . Try your best to grin and bear it for the next few years and at the very least book a spa and pamper day . As your girls get older they might see the emotional damage their dad did to you and the bravery with with your bite the stress and anxiety.

Are they taking the girls on their honeymoon? , I bet they are not, but I'd be tempted to see the look on their faces when you say you assume they were and you are already away on a singles holiday that week because they hadn't told you if their plans. Your girls might get an extra holiday that dad hadn't planned on .

Highlighta, I wasn't trying to imply that the poster, shouldn't be feeling as she is, but I honestly think it is worse, when your h is a closet gay. I had to go and have AIDS testing.There are a lot more issues that I didn't touch upon.

Absolutely this. He’s a horrible untrustworthy turd, marrying the OW doesn't mean he wont cheat on her when life gets mundane. He cheated on you when your girls were 4 & 1? What a prince of a man , she’s not won any prizes, and she’ll never fully trust him if he did that to you after such a long time and two babies.

It’s likely your children will tell you all kinds of ‘fun stories’ in the coming years, and it’s hard to listen to it and smile, but that’s what you have to do. Just say ‘that’s nice’ and change the subject gently. Remember your children have no idea that this hurts you, and until they are old enough to understand that, just smile and nod.

The fact he didn't tell you in an honest and upfront way, then told them to keep quiet about it, proves he knows that what he is doing is shady as fuck.

Not a great start really is it?

I don't think you should feel bad for crying when you heard this. It's a betrayal laid upon a betrayal and that will have come as a shock in the moment You have to deal with this skeevie git for the next N number of years until the DC are dependent and that is a lot of shit to suck up.

All I can advise is paint on a smile, be the bigger person (you already are by the way) and live a good life. Bloody hell you deserve a medal the size of Warwickshire though.

Yeah I have noticed a definite trend in cheating men. Its often either when the kids come along or when they hit mid life crisis age, not always but often.

Given that he did it once when the kids came along its not looking good for OW if she wants kids is it? And if she is younger with no kids of her own there is a good chance she will. When the shiny new adoring woman is suddenly focussing on her kids (as she should and as the OP did) then I rather suspect that's when he will get his wandering eye out of storage.

Through work (pubs, you hear all sorts!) I know of several men who have two, three or even four families. Each one ended by him cheating and all when the kids were little and he was no longer centre of attention.

“Each one ended by him cheating and all when the kids were little and he was no longer centre of attention.”

I want to say you’re being too simplistic, but I actually think this is bang on the nose. It’s pathetic.

Its odd how much your back is against the wall while you have criticisms flying at you from a few tears etc.
As far as I can see there is no law in the land that says you have to send your daughters to his wedding to be flower girls.
its unnecessary and no high court judge would deem it to be so.
You have control over this issue and I cant understand why anyone would assume you dont.
Just take your kids away for a week or a few days over the wedding period.
They will not be damaged from a few days at the beach or looking round a child friendly venue.
A wedding isnt child friendly.
Its tedious and it lasts for a long time.
You wont be there.
You dont have to act a compliance that you dont feel.
Its almost as if a "power vacuum" has been created.
He thought of flower girls so that they would be involved when he introduced the idea of his marriage.
Respectfully , he should have spoken to you first, not introducing the idea through the children.
I would say a hard "no" and not worry about it.
It wont stop them having their wedding and there isnt much for them to be upset about.
Your children are not beautiful, malleable props at the wedding.
There would be times when the adults attention was elsewhere and that brings me around to "safeguarding issues"!
You have real people ( your kids to protect) as your duty , so you should not be led into making a decision about an event which is obviously meant for the adults.
I wouldnt look back.
Its not about the future, its about a day ( where traditionally the groom doesnt already have children!)
Its not a child friendly event and they will probably have a smoother event without the kids there.
If you put your foot down then similar sudden sideswiping events are less likely to go unnoticed.