Handhold please- exH marrying OW and my DDs will be flower girls at the wedding

[Mensuckbigtime]

When does the pain stop?
it’d been 4 years, but I am constantly reminded of what he’s done as we have two DDs together- I have to smile when they tell me stories about her, pretend that I don’t mind. It’s absolutely awful

now DD has told me that they’re getting married and she and sister will be flower girls.

I know it’s well within his „rights“ to do so. But the thought of our girls being flower girls while he’s marrying the woman he betrayed me with- is killing me

How am I ever supposed to heal and get over this, if I have to have contact with him and OW spends loads of time with the girls?

it’d like the wound can never heal and I feel stuck in a life I didn’t choose or want

That kind of thing is closer to what karma actually is. It doesn't mean everyone gets what they deserve. Clearly, many people don't get what they deserve, good or bad. It's not a cosmic force of justice.

What it is, in essence, is that the things you do now shape your future, and you are living with consequences of past actions. It's obviously more complex than just that, but that's at the core of it. So in this case, it's a relationship borne of deceit and to an extent based on him talking shit about OP, and he's got form for cheating and wrecking his family life. It is quite likely that the natural consequences of this mean they aren't in for a happy union (although obviously OP shouldn't stake her happiness on that, but frankly she seems far too strong, smart and astute to do it).

I don't know the answer either, but I have been in both situations.

My ex first affair which I found out about. Yet I still stayed with him after that. And the reason I know now, but I didn't at the time. I was broken and just not strong enough to handle what was to come. My world had just crumbled and I suppose I was just trying to salvage what I could from it. It left me in an even darker place though, even ended up hospitalized. Yet I carried on. It was better for everyone else blah blah blah.

Roll on 5 years later, well what do we have here? Same old once again. Multiple affairs actually. But this time, I had 5 years of anger stored up and somehow in all that trauma, I found some of myself and my worth.

So i ended it and he moved in with that ow within 3 months. Then they married after a year. But he thought it would just be a repeat of the last time and I would forgive and forget. I know he isn't happy. But he could not be without someone.... so she was willing and able as they say.

But I can assure you that I didn't come through this all without some tears and very bad days. I did try to shield my children, but they are adults now and made a decision on their own not to have contact with him anymore. Somehow that just makes me feel better that I didn't sway them into that decision. They made it themselves when they were old enough to.

But, here I am now as single as a Pringle and am the happiest I have ever been in my adult life. Only once you are through the most of the hurt, can you look back and see what life was like then compared to how it could be without all that trauma and angst attached.

You will be okay, your girls will be okay, but you do need to process all of this first.

I agree, I am not sure that karma is a thing. I think it is something that we hope for as the wronged party, for some comeuppance per se.

People have asked me if I am waiting for 'karma to hit' him due to how he treated me. I say not really, as him doing that is why I live a calm and peaceful life now.

I know this is a bit deep really, but I am a firm believe that life is just a big circle that constantly moves. Nothing stays the same. Things change all the time. And in with that, we change too. What our life was 10 years ago, isn't a carbon copy now. So to me, karma good or bad, is just change.... and that happens to everyone.

I think attendance is one thing. But being a flower girl means the girls will be part of the bridal party, walking up the aisle with the other woman & presumably spending the morning of the wedding with her. The symbolism of that is awful.

He's their dad and has been with the OW four years, one of the children is only 5 so it's all she has known.
Of course they should be flower girls at his wedding.

Talking about symbolism is silly and actually unhelpful and unsupportive to the OP who has agreed for them to be & is here for a "handhold".
Posts like yours will just serve to make her feel guilty for something she shouldn't feel guilty for.

The symbolism of that is awful.

Assuming that is indeed symbolism, though, it's only symbolising something that's true and real anyway, so it really is pretty pointless sabotaging the symbol when the actual thing itself remains long term and intact. The sabotage would only be symbolic too. After the wedding is done, life will continue exactly as it would even if the girls hadn't thrown some rose petals at the party.

@cloudtreecarpet, on the pov of view of the children, I totally agree with you.

On the pov of the OP, you can see how hurtful it is. That man was basically involved with another woman right after the birth of the dc2 (maybe even before). Having the dcs there is a big validation of a relationship that started on secrets and lies. I’m not surprised it feels like another kick in the teeth for the OP.

And yes the best thing for the dcs is to be involved, for the OP to play the happy mummy for them.
It can ALSO still be hurtful

I am not saying it isn't hurtful, of course it is, I have acknowledged that a lot on this thread because I have felt that hurt myself.

I think the OP is being incredibly brave & strong to face this as she is and I support her completely.
But the girls going & being involved is the right thing to do.

I haven't responded to @JustAnotherLawyer2 because they did contradict themselves and you have covered that perfectly.

Youve done so well to keep yourself together that you shouldnt let the wedding (charade) blindside you.
You have invested in the notion of " happily ever after"!
Its not your fault if you had fertility problems and he had no right to try to degrade you mentally when you saw others getting pregnant with ease.
But now you have two beautiful daughters.
Can you imagine how shite it is going to be for the other woman (bride) when he finally feels secure enough to start mentally degrading her.
And also she will be forever living with the "holy grail" of yourself.
She will never feel she matches up.
He knows how to make someone feel like shite. First you lie to them and tell them how wonderful they are and then once youve got them hooked you steadily erode their value and their confidence.
She might go through the process faster because she knows full well what kind of man he really is.
And life will be hell!

I can't believe people are trying to shame you for showing some sad emotion, it's part of life. If we want children to grow up as normal, well rounded adults they need to know that being sad is ok and normal. Hiding and pretending things are all wonderful when they're not is more damaging. Obviously explain the emotions in an age appropriate way, but we're not in the 1950s where woman should just shut up and put up.

I dont agree that he was "in love " with the other woman. He just couldnt get the sex he wanted while his wife was pregnant with her much longed for child.
The other woman was cheaper and more reliable than prostitutes.
And probably on birth control so he didnt have to worry about having another mouth to feed.
Plus he could endorse his fantasy about what a great catch he was in his opinion.
She will know that he will go AWOL as soon as she gets pregnant.

@Mensuckbigtime
rhe thing I can’t forgive him is what he did to justify his behaviour- he made me into the most disgusting, horrible person to ever walk this earth.

he was basically following the script and that I can’t forgive. He tried to annihilate my character to make himself feel better

Ah-ha "the Script". 🙄
They all follow this so don't take it personally. Their guilty consciences make them adopt this strategy.
He was probably telling OW the same thing so she would feel sorry for him and would try and rescue him from his "terrible" wife.
A person who is looking to make a strong case for an exit will manage their way out of it by looking for reasons to justify the decision that they’ve already made, a decision that they’re free to make without having to sully your name.

You had no control over this and it wasn't your fault.

Ugh bless you. Been there! I was quite bitter for a while. The best thing I did was stop thinking of the OW as the OW. She's not now. She is a part of his and their lives and feeling annoyed and pissed off only hurts you. I spent longer than I should waiting for some kind if karma. Your sole focus should be on your children and how to navigate and help them. He is an obvious coward. And so messages out of the blue will happen, are their coping things you can do so hippy dont cry? I use a parenting app to liase with my exh and that has really helped. Before I did that. I swallowed everything and forced me to have a cordial relationship, but I archived his messages so I could deal with them when I felt better. Acknowledge your feelings. It sucks. But you are not married to a coward any longer and that can only be a good thing. Lots of love to you x

Trust me,it's even harder when the ', other woman,is actually a man! It's a very long story,ex h, told me he was actually gay after 20 years,I was the naice respectable front for his middle class family. He expected life to carry on as normal, including sex. Then he lost his business, pretending to go to work,insured me for a large sum, and tried to kill me! It was high court, attempted murder,ds 6 and 11,were asked by the judge if they wanted to see their f,no! I thought whatever he's done,he's still their f, determined not to badmouth him,THEN, I found out,he'd put the house on the market, cancelled the utilities. Then my boss visited me at home, said he would have to let me go,he didn't want me working in their fine upstanding family firm, when this got in the papers. He cleaned out the ban account and disappeared. House was re possessed . Had a year in emergency accommodation,then was housed..I went back to nursing,a surprisingly large number of women,were married to gay men, who stayed nicely in the closet, and the women stayed with them and kept the secret. I put my oldest DS through therapy, thought the youngest was too young to be badly affected... wrong. My DM died just before this,f got a girlfriend 6 weeks later, wouldn't help me at all, didn't want her to be upset. Rock bottom and then further down

.

Since when did it become traumatising to cry in front of children? It is far more damaging to be incongruent, they would feel that level of inauthenticity immediately and could cause many more problems down the line.

Your girls will just remember how dignified and gracious their mum was, and the dad will end up showing his true colours.

This is so true, when your girls are adults and have had experience of heartbreak at the hands of men they will look back in awe in how you held it together...

One small plus is that while they are making their speeches about having been in love for 4 years, his 5 year old daughter with you will be Right There, so it will be incredibly obvious to all the cousins and her side etc what he did to you.

I am sorry for what you have been through.

But you are implying that for how OP is feeling now.... could be so much worse.

I have no doubt that you are strong and so much better off now, but just because OP's ex isn't gay and tried to off her doesn't mean she should not be feeling how she is feeling right now.

I don't think is traumatising to cry on front of children, like if your pet dies or soenthing, thats health, but i do think that in this situation the OP should be minimising confusion for her children. It's been 4 years and her kids have to navigate a dual life which is hard enough for the OP. But incredible confusing for children. Crying in this situation could make the children feel responsible for their mums emotions. Which in turn could drive them down a road of not disclosing important things. Obviously we are all human and will have human emotions and all make mistakes, but minimising that bit, and where you cant, then talking to your children about after I tonk ours important. My DD was 10 when her dad left me for someone else. I did cry at the beginning, but got a lot better at holding my emotions and letting then out to my support network, which did not include my 10 year old daughter.

This exact scenario happened to me except mine was a bridesmaid. I absolutely hated it but just got through there’s really not much else you can do.

Also anyone saying you should have moved on by now is clueless take no notice.

It’s no consolation to you now but mine ended up divorced and fleeced just like everyone warned him and yours truly helped him through the subsequent breakdown.

Fertility problems were on his side, not mine

just to add insult to injury on his comments about me struggling with seeing pregnant women

😄 Good one!

But I prefer my corsets tightly laced thanks! That's the whole point of them.

And I already answered your question.

@Angrybird76But she didn’t lean on them. It was a spontaneous emergence of affect.

Have you not seen any of the stand up to cancer shows/adverts/pleas over the past many years? 😵‍💫