There We Are Then - part 2

[mummy917]

Follow on from previous

The more I read about him, the more I think that he doesn’t really want the children - he just doesn’t want you to have them because they make you happy.

Sorry OP.

I think it might be even more basic than that - he doesn't want to pay anything for the next whatever number of years. And he's stuck, mentally, he does not get it that his 50% of caring is on him - not his mum. He still thinks he is just 'babysitting' them when they come to him (or, more accurately, his mum is doing the 'babysitting')

Yes! This!

You have to let them go for his scheduled time, ill or not.
He was out of line for suggesting you should have cancelled your coffee meet up on his time ... he was never going to let them stay with you anyway AND open our eyes, he's not looking after them either! His mum is!

You have to let him sort out childcare on his time no matter how you feel about it unless there are genuine safeguarding concerns. Don't get suckered into letting him suggest you're in the wrong for not keeping them home with you ... it's 50/50 and it's his time to prove he can do it. Let him do it or fail ... it's on him.

This! Send this! All of it!

probably trying to make himself feel better for forgetting the medication he said he’d get.

He’s since said over the phone again (unfortunately not in writing), that he wouldn’t think twice about cancelling plans to look after the kids if they were unwell and basically made out as though I’ve not wanted to do the same 🤯

But he hasn't cancelled his plans to look after them on his time, has he.

And as for telling you he'd have given you calpol/ibuprofin as basics, you know it's laughable as he's never planned well enough to get them himself let alone hand them over to you. What a gaslighting joke of a man.

Stop engaging with him. Try to keep these communications in writing.
Others on here have the measure of him: he's doing 50/50 so he doesn't have to pay child maintenance; he doesn't even want them that much, he can only do it because his mum is helping and that will likely wear thin soon enough; he is the controlling, gaslighting one of the two of you, hence the shouting and anger when you aren't buying it. He's a bully ... keep it to writing. And save any voicemails as well. You're going to need all of it.

You know I do think this will be easier once you're back to work. At the moment you're filling time when they're not with you, but this time next week you'll be back in the thick of it and that will help.

Edited as wrong thread!!

You are not being pathetic, this is entirely new territory you are having to navigate.

I agree with your decision not to visit, even though I know you desperately want to. His mum's offer might be kind, but Twattoo will go full throttle and twist the situation, "She was so controlling, she harassed my mother into seeing the children, barged in etc"

Everything in writing with him, @99bottlesofkombucha's message was brilliant, I'd even throw in that you hope the bottles of medicine you handed over have done the trick.

I know im going to sound a bit like a broken record but I really feel you need to stop with telephone communication. You are giving him the opportunity to be rude and abusive and its not necessary. I would message him today and say things seem to get to heated on the phone so for you both, you think its best if all communication is via messaging. If he doesnt want a parenting app then WhatsApp or whatever is fine. But then you have time to think about responses and you can ignore anything abusive or unproductive and you have it all as proof in writing.

I really think with someone like this, thats the best way to handle communication.

This morning sounds tough but I reckon he wont be able to handle it and they will be back with you soon enough.

This!

With someone like him it’s just best to stick to the letter of the arrangements. They are his kids and his responsibility on his time. When they are older they will start to state their preferences and the 50 50 arrangement may break down then or even sooner. For now stick to it like glue. You giving flexibility will be thrown back in your face. It’s really hard for you as you’ve been used to being there for them but he will be trying to prove the 50 50 works. Do not give him anything from now on, he could have stopped at a chemist on the way to pick up medicine. That’s on him, I know you are doing it for the kids benefit but it’s not your job to prop him up being a parent anymore. You’d have been better to say sorry I’ve none left I’ll be picking more ibuprofen up today to make sure I have some if I need it.

Don't go to MILs unless she calls you & says one of the DC is asking for you. (even then he may not agree)
Yes, every "first" is going to take time to swallow. it will hurt.
But you really do need to keep exactly to 50:50, This will come into full view, when they are older & he won't ferry them round to birthdays or sport, or both, on his w/e. The kids will be upset, will ask to swop house, he may tell you you need to do it if it's so important to you. You can't entertain this, you may have taken on extra shifts or have other plans.
You are going to have to accept that his wants are going to trump the kids needs, Over & over & over, You won't like it, it will hurt when you see your kids getting shit parent "knock on" upset.
But, in the end, they will get to an age when they will decrease visits or won't want to see him. Particularly if an OW comes out of the woodwork.

Oh & you must not tell him what your plans are, maybe you just want to pluck your eyebrows in peace. Do not say you are meeting X for a coffee. Just "I have an appointment" with myself in front of the mirror ;) or "I'm busy.
If he wants a further explication you say. "Did you not understand me ?"

In writing : I gave you calpol and ibuprofen today, because you didn’t have any. Yesterday I told you dd was sick and you said you’d get some medicine last night, but you didn’t. I gave you two potties too, you should have had potties. You need to start getting the basic things our children need yourself. I can’t keep buying things for your house and for mine. Don’t tell me you’d have given me these things if I needed it, you can’t actually do that because you aren’t providing them with the things they need so it’s a moot point. In future if they are sick and you don’t have suitable basic medication I will have to decide if it’s reasonable to send them to yours.

Please send the above message. Get it down in writing.

I'm sorry both the girls were ill but you really need to step back. They were with their father and their grandmother and even if you didn't think him capable enough their grandmother has managed to raise one child successfully into adulthood and also loves her grandchildren. Let go, your children will be okay with others.

I know I am going to be shot down, but when I was a child (with separated parents) I wanted to be with mum when I was poorly.

I think everyone is going to have differing views on this and ultimately @mummy917 needs to do what feels best for the children and for her. We can all give advice, however it needs to be up to the OP to decide what’s best for her family. I’m sure we all support her in whatever decisions she decides to make as she is a very competent and caring mother and only she really knows what’s best for them all.

OP don’t let his outbursts get to you, it’s all deflection, he knows he’s screwed up about the medicine but he just can’t ever admit he’s wrong. When you were together could he ever accept he was in the wrong and apologise, or in his eyes was he never wrong?

Please be really careful going forward in your interactions with your ex and his mother. You don't know how his mother interpreted your call to her as she is not going to tell you to leave her alone and let her get on with it. Of course she is sympathetic but don't forget her loyalty is to her son.
Your concerns are understandable but this is his responsibility now. Let him come to you, do not keep contacting him or his mother. This is his time. Let him buy the potty, let him buy the uniforms, let him buy the medicine, let him manage the sickness. Otherwise you are enabling and managing him. You are leaving yourself open to be accused of interfering and controlling. If he fails then you can intervene with good reason. Please take care of your own well being as you return to work.

Thank you all for your perspectives, I appreciate them all 😊

He never really apologised when we were together. My feelings were always dismissed and belittled and it resulted in me backing down to save arguments. On the odd occasion I argued back, he would just shout over the top of me and storm off, then when I would try and discuss it later he would say I was “just going on again”. It was exhausting and still feels that way now.

He comes across as very controlling but at the same time rather useless and pathetic. He uses shouting as a way on control, like most bullies do, he’s used to using this tactic to control you. Even if you ask for all communication to be via text, unfortunately I can’t imagine he’ll want to give up the phone calls.

Long term you are going to be so much better off without his deadweight holding you back. It such a shame you have to have so much interaction at the moment, hopefully by the time the twins reach school you’ll rarely have to even see him and drop-offs/pickups can be scheduled around school.

He knows exactly what to say and how to say it to make you get back in your box and stop calling him out. He's done it for years and it's part of his control and emotional abuse of you.
I hope your girls are better soon, and pp were right, the verbal exchange needs to be followed up in writing so you have it straight and an objective accurate record, then no more phone calls. Don't give him access into your immediate brain space.
Work on building your positive self esteem and practice your mother tiger roar!

You're doing amazing OP. I think you need to come up with strategies on how to deal with him. Don't phone him. keep everything via message.

If he asks what you're doing today you say "That's none of your business".

I agree with trying to shift to messages not calls. Grey rock.
This is a short term transition period. Statistically he will get tired of 50:50 and progressively lapse to every other weekend. Even if he sticks to 50:50 for longer, eventually the oldest will vote with their feet and likely ask or arrange tocome home to you.

@mummy917 This poster has almost certainly hit the nail on the head. I have no doubt at all that he is an arse/twat/whatever you want to call him and you are well shot of him, but he IS the children's Dad and you really need to allow him to do that, on his terms.

You are their Mum and are well aware of the things you need to think about with regard to their needs and have become used to having to spell these things out to him, because he didn't think about any of these things, when you were together, because you did it all for him. But he needs to learn and he may very well surprise you a few months down the line, if you allow him to make his own mistakes and learn from them?

Your children don't sound as if there is any danger to them at all when they are with their Dad or Granny, which would be different. Let him get on with it without criticising or trying to control the way He does things.

We know he is a twat, but it doesn't sound like he'll not look after the kids, even if it's not the way you (or I) would look after them? Even couples who stay together often differ about what is best for the kids, day to day.'

I hope you DID go for your coffee