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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

There We Are Then - part 2

970 replies

mummy917 · 20/07/2026 13:05

Follow on from previous

OP posts:
BessieSurtees · 28/07/2026 08:35

If you are looking at child maintenance the calculator only takes account of how many overnights there are and it is an approximation. There is no split over what times of the day, so if it was 12 hours from 7pm or 24 hours from 1pm it would be one overnight, if that makes sense?

Calculate your child maintenance - GOV.UK

Spousal maintenance is counted as income for UC, Child maintenance is not and, in my limited experience, spousal is usually only awarded if there is a large variation in income or in high income cases and after an expensive court battle.

Calculate your child maintenance

Use this calculator to work out an amount of child maintenance for your children.

https://www.gov.uk/calculate-child-maintenance

Jellybean23 · 28/07/2026 09:26

OP, stick to the agreement for tomorrow. You know what this stomach bug is like so, with confidence, you can say “you’ll be virtually recovered by tomorrow and, regardless of that, part of parenting is to battle on despite illness, as I have done in the past “.

BIWI · 28/07/2026 09:39

No need for that - just simply say you're sorry he's ill but you have to go to work.

PinkEasterbunny · 28/07/2026 09:41

BIWI · 28/07/2026 09:39

No need for that - just simply say you're sorry he's ill but you have to go to work.

This. Which is exactly what he would say if the situation was reversed

BIWI · 28/07/2026 09:45

... so if he insists he's too ill to come and collect the DC, then you have a Plan B, don't you @mummy917? Because that's what you should have 'up your sleeve'. (He does not need to know/should not know about this, obviously!)

MsPrufrockk · 28/07/2026 09:52

mummy917 · 28/07/2026 07:22

I mean he has them for the amount of nights he should, but always brings them back earlier than what was agreed. Not sure if a judge or mediator would still see that as 50/50 as the nights are the right amount?

Honestly, just don't let him bring them back early. It'll get to a point where he either sticks to the agreed times/plans or days he can't do 50/50 any more. It's a win for you either way.

Tilluna · 28/07/2026 10:42

A friend of mine, also a nurse, changed her shift patterns to nights. Her parents did the wrap around care for her before school and nursery. There was a handover as she’d sometimes appear at the school gates with her nightdress under her coat, ready for a much-earned sleep.
Granted your situation is more complex but would any of this make life easier for you going forward?

mummy917 · 28/07/2026 10:44

Yeah I have a plan B but he has no idea about that. He is still under the impression that I’ll be leaving it to him to sort so I’m hoping he’s either going to have them or has arranged something for if he is poorly.

He knows I have to go into work Friday morning so the option isn’t there for him to bring them back early regardless.

OP posts:
mummy917 · 28/07/2026 10:46

Tilluna · 28/07/2026 10:42

A friend of mine, also a nurse, changed her shift patterns to nights. Her parents did the wrap around care for her before school and nursery. There was a handover as she’d sometimes appear at the school gates with her nightdress under her coat, ready for a much-earned sleep.
Granted your situation is more complex but would any of this make life easier for you going forward?

I have spoken to management about doing permanent nights, however it’s not something my trust allow due to the impact it can have on your wellbeing. I could probably go back to doing the majority of nightshifts again once I’m back at work properly and back in the swing of things, it’ll also depend what suits the other staff and the ward best too 😊

OP posts:
Windswept1 · 28/07/2026 10:55

Although the CMS usually has jurisdiction to decide child maintenance rather than the court, the reverse applies where there is exactly equal shared care (true 50:50). This was confirmed in a landmark case last year. Some useful commentary on that case can be found here: https://becket-chambers.co.uk/articles/os-v-dt-shared-care-and-child-maintenance/

It is not the case that a court will never award child maintenance in 50:50 care, but it is of course much less likely. You’ll see in the above case that the court can make other financial orders, for example, requiring one parent to contribute more towards education. They did so despite both parents having ample financial resources, simply because one earned more. The same principle can apply to recreational hobbies, school uniforms, transport, and similar child‑related costs.

Spousal maintenance however, is entirely separate. It depends on need and earning capacity so is very fact‑specific. If your solicitor believes you may be entitled to it, that can be helpful in negotiations. Sometimes it shifts the other side away from trying to avoid child maintenance and insisting on 50:50. Many would prefer to contribute towards the children rather than pay spousal maintenance. And if they pay child maintenance or other child‑related costs, that may reduce the likelihood that spousal maintenance is ordered, particularly in cases where there is not a dramatic difference in income.

OS v DT: Shared Care and Child Maintenance - Becket Chambers

In this article Christopher Wall discusses the case of OS v DT and the significant decision on child maintenance

https://becket-chambers.co.uk/articles/os-v-dt-shared-care-and-child-maintenance/

Lsquiggles · 28/07/2026 10:56

Can I just say that throughout this whole situation you have shown yourself to be such a caring, considerate person. It really shows that you have your children’s best interests at heart and whilst the break up of your marriage has hurt you deeply, I think you'll come out of this so much happier!

Tilluna · 28/07/2026 11:00

I hope you manage to sort it all out going forward. x

PinkEasterbunny · 28/07/2026 11:42

BIWI · 28/07/2026 09:45

... so if he insists he's too ill to come and collect the DC, then you have a Plan B, don't you @mummy917? Because that's what you should have 'up your sleeve'. (He does not need to know/should not know about this, obviously!)

I think the OP is dropping off, rather than collecting, on Wednesday morning? So this may be harder for him to wriggle out of?

BIWI · 28/07/2026 11:43

Even better!

SpiceLover · 28/07/2026 11:48

Am I the only one expecting him to ignore the doorbell in the morning and then pretend he was so ill he slept through it?

99bottlesofkombucha · 28/07/2026 11:58

SpiceLover · 28/07/2026 11:48

Am I the only one expecting him to ignore the doorbell in the morning and then pretend he was so ill he slept through it?

then you lean on the doorbell, and if he doesn’t come when you lean on the doorbells he’s a man living alone who might be ill and can’t even make it to the door for his 4 children- that’s break a window or call an ambulance /police for a welfare check territory. I wouldn’t break a window as he’d hold it against you, so calling an ambulance is the only caring mature thing you can do in these circumstances if he hasn’t appeared after you’ve shouted if he’s too ill make a sign and you’ll call an ambulance.

anotheruser124 · 28/07/2026 12:14

99bottlesofkombucha · 28/07/2026 11:58

then you lean on the doorbell, and if he doesn’t come when you lean on the doorbells he’s a man living alone who might be ill and can’t even make it to the door for his 4 children- that’s break a window or call an ambulance /police for a welfare check territory. I wouldn’t break a window as he’d hold it against you, so calling an ambulance is the only caring mature thing you can do in these circumstances if he hasn’t appeared after you’ve shouted if he’s too ill make a sign and you’ll call an ambulance.

I agree with this as in any reasonable situation if someone you knew was home wasnt coming to the door you would want a welfare check.
So if he doesnt answer I would text we are outside, are you ok or do I need to call the police for a welfare check. If he doesnt read it I would get that welfare check. Because there genuinely could be an issue and how would you know for sure and would you really want to walk away if the person was the other side of the door collapsed? You cant know but the information you have is this person is home and should be available and said they were unwell so that warrants a check.

Wolffie17 · 28/07/2026 12:15

If that happens, I’d be inclined to suggest you missed work rather than let him know your parents stepped in. He needs to realise that if he prevents you from working on a routine basis, you will have to give up your job and he will have to support you. Don’t let him think your parents will step in because you know they can’t do so regularly.

Shelby2010 · 28/07/2026 12:26

mummy917 · 28/07/2026 10:44

Yeah I have a plan B but he has no idea about that. He is still under the impression that I’ll be leaving it to him to sort so I’m hoping he’s either going to have them or has arranged something for if he is poorly.

He knows I have to go into work Friday morning so the option isn’t there for him to bring them back early regardless.

But he won’t need to bring them back early on Friday if he is too ill to have them Wed & Thurs because they will already be with you….

anotheruser124 · 28/07/2026 12:36

Wolffie17 · 28/07/2026 12:15

If that happens, I’d be inclined to suggest you missed work rather than let him know your parents stepped in. He needs to realise that if he prevents you from working on a routine basis, you will have to give up your job and he will have to support you. Don’t let him think your parents will step in because you know they can’t do so regularly.

I dont think he would care, he didnt care when they were together so why will he care now? He sounds selfish and will probably feel quite smug that he caused her to miss work because he seems to like being controlling whilst calling OP controlling and he didnt like being told he couldn't shift things around on Friday to suit him.

The problem is the more he gets away with early drop offs and missing days, the more it will happen. If it were me I would be doing everything possible to have him stick to it whilst also researching how to make him financially liable if he keeps pulling this crap because it will only get worse. If OP just kept being not available in her time I have no doubt he would cause a riot but he is getting away with being cheeky constantly and having everyone else cover for him.

Im guessing he doesnt want the kids this week because his mum isnt there to do the work, because this has never been about him wanting to parent, he just doesnt want to pay for his lack of parenting. It sounds like the bulk of his time he has his mother doing it anyway.

mummy917 · 28/07/2026 12:47

If he drops me in it on Wednesday then I would just have to collect my uniform when I come back from holiday. Thankfully it’s not as if I’d be missing a shift and letting the team down.

OP posts:
SummerDive · 28/07/2026 13:10

mummy917 · 28/07/2026 12:47

If he drops me in it on Wednesday then I would just have to collect my uniform when I come back from holiday. Thankfully it’s not as if I’d be missing a shift and letting the team down.

And then kerp a record of how many times he has done that, the impact and the number of nights he then missed.
Great to be flexible even though he wouldn’t be flexible for you back. But there are consequences for that. And that’s CM.

Keep your records!

BIWI · 28/07/2026 14:14

mummy917 · 28/07/2026 12:47

If he drops me in it on Wednesday then I would just have to collect my uniform when I come back from holiday. Thankfully it’s not as if I’d be missing a shift and letting the team down.

But he doesn't need to know that, does he? As far as he should be concerned, you're going back, so it's therefore important that he does his bit. If he so much as sniffs that it's not vital, he will weasel out of his obligations.

mummy917 · 28/07/2026 14:44

BIWI · 28/07/2026 14:14

But he doesn't need to know that, does he? As far as he should be concerned, you're going back, so it's therefore important that he does his bit. If he so much as sniffs that it's not vital, he will weasel out of his obligations.

No he doesn’t and he won’t know that. He needs to realise that me going to work is just as important for the kids as him going to work.

OP posts:
Lizchapman · 28/07/2026 14:54

mummy917 · 28/07/2026 14:44

No he doesn’t and he won’t know that. He needs to realise that me going to work is just as important for the kids as him going to work.

Don’t hold your breath on that one - I don’t think he will ever see your job as being as important as his

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