There We Are Then - part 2

[mummy917]

Follow on from previous

See it was you again doing everything! You actually worked more hours during the week, you had a full time job AND you did extra shifts to provide for your family. He worked part time (because 32 hours a week is part time) and didn’t provide any extras. You also did the majority of the childcare and I expect most of the house work too. What exactly did he bring to the table?? He’s actually an embarrassment, most real men would be ashamed of his behaviour.

Reading this I really can’t imagine why he ever thought he’d be better off leaving?

I never looked at it that way when we were married, I saw it as doing my bit for our family. It isn’t until lately that I’ve started to wonder myself what he did bring to the table support wise. He maintained the garden but that was about it.

It’s because @mummy917 got a bit annoyed when he wanted to spend a lot of money on a new tattoo just before Christmas last year. Pointing out it’s not a good idea just before Christmas, with children to buy presents for etc is controlling don’t you know. Really she should have gone out and worked MORE bank shifts whilst he sat at home on his PlayStation/Xbox on his part time hours just so he could get that tattoo. Best thing is you just know that for every bank shift she picked up he was sat there moaning about being left with the kids.

Except I bet he wasn’t - I’m sure those shifts would have been carefully planned so as not to inconvenience him in any way.

Just to say, my ex and I separated 13 years ago and I still get anxious feelings and an instinct about not upsetting or annoying him even now. It’s so ingrained that I have the same impulses with my husband (who is so far from that type of man that he’s basically on a different planet) and he’s always saying ‘it’s fine, you don’t have to worry, you can go out/leave me to make dinner/get home later than planned’ or whatever it was. Just shows how these narcissistic men operate at such a deep level on our nervous systems, and also how damaging their punishments are (even if it’s “just” the silent treatment or gaslighting). To everyone on this thread and @mummy917 dealing with the aftermath of such a relationship- your responses and reaction hangovers are not a sign of weakness. They show how you stayed safe and protected yourself and your kids. Their longevity shows how vital they were in that situation.

A lot of the time I picked up bank shifts they tended to weekend nightshifts so the kids would be pretty much sorted by the time I needed to leave for work and I was home by 9am most of the time.

When he got a session of his tattoo back at the beginning of March was when I’d spoken to him about not getting it at that time as money wasn’t the best; I’d just paid to have repairs done on my car that were unexpected. However he refused and I had done a run of 3 nightshifts which finished on the Saturday morning. A bank shift for the Sunday day shift came out so I picked it up and knew I had to so that money would cover what he would be using for his tattoo session. I’m not saying it for sympathy or anything like that, but after I finished work on the Saturday morning, I wasn’t even able to have a full 24 hours of rest before I was back doing the Sunday day shift. Anyone who picks up bank in the NHS knows Sunday days are money shifts. But I was exhausted. Yet he still made me feel like I was in the wrong for asking him to rearrange his tattoo then and called me controlling again. It’s only now that I can see how bang out of order he really was!

It’s awful that things like this have such a lasting impact and I’m so sorry you went through this too 😩 it is amazing to hear you’re now married to a wonderful man though! It definitely isn’t an easy thing to get past xx

I think it was on one of OP's previous threads? Where a pp said she eventually realised how so very little her horrible exh did, was when her youngest child took over mowing the lawn and then there was nothing extra for her to do......

I think you're going the same way, OP.
You are doing so well. Your strength is in your silence with him. Xx

The really sad thing is that he has literally thrown away his whole family over a flipping tattoo. There are no words to describe what an absolute loser he is.

@mummy917 I love it that you're doing so well and you're getting such a lot of support. I'm always anxious with these sorts of threads, though, because people come forward with all sorts of things that you should say and do, but they don't have to live your life and face repercussions (both in behaviour of your H or legally) if you do it.

I'm really glad that you're being patient - it will come good.

Hi op have you thought he might have said he’s feeling dodgy so you will be stressed until Wednesday morning just with you saying you over think etc. I’m the same worst case scenario all the time for me. I was just wondering if he’s done this to piss you off then it turns out he’s fine after all. Also what happens in the future if he goes sick does he get the kids the following week or will he just not see his kids. Something to mention to him after Wednesday.

I feel as though I am going the same way too. I’ve managed to keep on top of the garden so far with bits of help from my family and friends, but aside from that it doesn’t really feel like I’m doing any extra. If anything I’m able to recharge my batteries a bit when he has the kids, which never happened before we split up.

Being patient is all I can do and do what I feel is right for me and the kids throughout all of this.

He could be thinking anything and everything in regards to Wednesday to be honest, I have given up guessing. But if he ends up not having them on Wednesday and Thursday this week, he won’t have them again until I drop them off to him a week on Friday when we are on our way back from our holiday. And even when I told him I’d be doing that he said “well why don’t you just drop them off on the Saturday morning so it’s less stress for you.” I said “it’s no stress at all.” Otherwise I think he’d have been perfectly happy to go that whole weekend without seeing them too.

'Otherwise I think he’d have been perfectly happy to go that whole weekend without seeing them too.'

of course he would be, he is only having the children 50/50 to avoid paying you a penny.

A single penny.

of course it's ok for you to spend many pennies on mattresses / potties / harnesses etc.

but not him. Not a penny.

It really infuriates me that he is potentially going to sabotage Wednesday - he walks out on his wife and four children, and then makes it hard for his wife to earn a living, it’s just horrendous .

But as for him being quite happy to go days on end without seeing the children - that’s on him. If he chooses to have a lesser relationship with them going forward, it’s HIM that will lose out, so don’t lose sleep over that.

He really is a knob isn’t he. Well done for having a back up plan, the positive power of negative thinking!

It is him who is missing out though. You’re the constant one who has a lovely bond with the children and he’s just a twerp who potentially will end up very lonely and wondering why his kids don’t visit.

I think I would be messaging and reiterating that in his time childcare is his responsibility and if he is feeling unwell this is something he can look into tomorrow, in the same way that when its your time you have to figure it out.

He has already managed to dodge so much time with excuses constantly.

If he does arse you about this week it might be worth mentioning (NOT in writing!) that if he does keep fucking up your work days then you will be able to bring it to court for spousal maintenance alongside CMS as he is limiting your ability to work and not having the kids 50/50.

That will soon get his penny pinching ass back in line.

I think, OP, that you need to instigate your own tailored version of knobhead bingo.
All hou need to do is have a few stock phrases that you can cross off in your head every time he utters them (this will help you grey rock him).
You could have …

I’ll remember that next time you’re ill.
I’ll have that in mind next time you want a favour.
I don’t have any [insert item] at home.
I will drop them off instead at 7am.
I will be three hours early because I need to drop the car off / give a colleague a lift / get my hair cut / insert as appropriate.

I’m sure there are plenty of other lame excuses you could add.

When you get a full card you can shout TWATOOOOOOO!

Oh, and I don’t believe what he said about twinnie being sick either.

But you are MARVELLOUS in keeping your cool.

😎

I would love to say all of this to him, but I just know it would give him the reaction he is trying oh so hard to get out of me. I love the shouting Twattoo when I get a full house though 🤣

I didn’t even know about spousal maintenance until that lovely lady who’s a lawyer mentioned it the other day, he would actually combust if I ever mentioned that!

I haven’t heard from him yet regarding tomorrow but I have that sinking feeling I’ll hear from him probably this afternoon.

And dare I say it, I think we are now a vomit free home again 🤞😃

Ooh, another future tool for your belt- if he often says the dc are sick and can’t go to nursery on your times, ….what’s he doing to them? Why are they always sick when he’s had them. That will spike his guns, to realise his lies will act against him.

I know it’s still quite early days, but have there been any weeks where he has managed 50/50?

I mean he has them for the amount of nights he should, but always brings them back earlier than what was agreed. Not sure if a judge or mediator would still see that as 50/50 as the nights are the right amount?

I’m really not sure on this one - perhaps other posters can advise? But I can understand that all the pushing back around the edges is infuriating, and if you added it up over a month it would mean he’s probably doing a night less than he should

I think it speaks more to his attitude - he seems chiefly concerned that his children do not interfere with anything he wishes to do. I suspect that as they get older this will manifest as him being very unwilling to allow them to pursue interests or meet with friends on his time.