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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

There We Are Then - part 2

970 replies

mummy917 · 20/07/2026 13:05

Follow on from previous

OP posts:
Lunde · 28/07/2026 15:05

mummy917 · 28/07/2026 14:44

No he doesn’t and he won’t know that. He needs to realise that me going to work is just as important for the kids as him going to work.

Did he, previously, ever take time off work when you were sick to care for the kids?

mummy917 · 28/07/2026 15:16

No he didn’t, my parents helped me if I was really poorly and was struggling. I made him aware of the unpaid parental leave he could take but he always said he didn’t want to lose the wages and used to say he couldn’t take annual leave as “it wasn’t enough notice.”

OP posts:
ByRealOtter · 28/07/2026 15:23

mummy917 · 28/07/2026 15:16

No he didn’t, my parents helped me if I was really poorly and was struggling. I made him aware of the unpaid parental leave he could take but he always said he didn’t want to lose the wages and used to say he couldn’t take annual leave as “it wasn’t enough notice.”

And you repeat the same straight back to him x

Lunde · 28/07/2026 15:26

mummy917 · 28/07/2026 15:16

No he didn’t, my parents helped me if I was really poorly and was struggling. I made him aware of the unpaid parental leave he could take but he always said he didn’t want to lose the wages and used to say he couldn’t take annual leave as “it wasn’t enough notice.”

There you are then. He has never prioritised the children over himself and doesn't think he should now. He always has an excuse and is always looking to reduce his agreed parenting hours.

likeafishneedsabike · 28/07/2026 15:35

mummy917 · 28/07/2026 15:16

No he didn’t, my parents helped me if I was really poorly and was struggling. I made him aware of the unpaid parental leave he could take but he always said he didn’t want to lose the wages and used to say he couldn’t take annual leave as “it wasn’t enough notice.”

I mean, this fella Twatoo is in a league all of his own when it comes to family life. But I do remember having to spell it out to DH that there’s no point being THE MAN at work who everyone can rely on if nobody can rely on you at home. I told him a story about a funeral I went to where everyone was gushing about the departed and what a top man he was …….except the guy’s family. They were totally lacking any enthusiasm and you didn’t get the feeling that they would miss him.
Luckily the anecdote had an effect on DH , but so many guys are all about the public image (especially at work) without a jot of care and consideration for their own spouses and offspring.

Candleabra · 28/07/2026 15:46

mummy917 · 28/07/2026 12:47

If he drops me in it on Wednesday then I would just have to collect my uniform when I come back from holiday. Thankfully it’s not as if I’d be missing a shift and letting the team down.

Make sure any wiggle room in your schedule gives you additional flexibility, not him.

DuckbilledSplatterPuff · 28/07/2026 16:03

AnnieKenney · 26/07/2026 10:39

@mummy917: You keep mentioning that even if 50:50 breaks down that you wouldn't chase him for child maintenance. I wanted to point out that it isn't your money to waive away - it's intended for your children. I know it isn't as clear as that as it would be you who had to pursue it but if you think of it as the children's money not yours then you might feel differently about it.

THIS....

It absolutely is the children's money. His children.

Of course he won't like it because he's a selfish so and so who thought he could waltz off and leave you to get on with it and hopefully pay for everything.

But just because he doesn't like it, doesn't mean its better to give in. In your shoes it sounds like it would be better to have the maintenance payments and have more time with the DC yourself and see a lot less of him, with him swanning in as a Disney Dad every now and then.

When someone is so concerned about cutting their parenting "spend" on items for the children as much as possible and then shaving off the contact time too, it really does come across as resentful parenting... so maybe him spending less time with them is a good thing.
But i don't think you should give up hope on maintenance for four children. You are going to need it, to make their lives better.
Every pound he doesn't give them that he ought to will be spent on selfish pursuits and frivolities like tattoos, going by his actions so far.

DuckbilledSplatterPuff · 28/07/2026 16:04

likeafishneedsabike · 28/07/2026 15:35

I mean, this fella Twatoo is in a league all of his own when it comes to family life. But I do remember having to spell it out to DH that there’s no point being THE MAN at work who everyone can rely on if nobody can rely on you at home. I told him a story about a funeral I went to where everyone was gushing about the departed and what a top man he was …….except the guy’s family. They were totally lacking any enthusiasm and you didn’t get the feeling that they would miss him.
Luckily the anecdote had an effect on DH , but so many guys are all about the public image (especially at work) without a jot of care and consideration for their own spouses and offspring.

Yes. I bet he bores for England at work about his exhausting parenting tasks and how amazing he is with the kids.

MyrtleLion · 28/07/2026 17:39

He wants to pretend he’s a bachelor when he doesn’t have the children and doesn’t want to pay maintenance because that will stop him living his bachelor life with his tattoos and treating any lady friend.

Lizchapman · 28/07/2026 19:13

Surely if he’s properly parenting 50:50 it should be costing him as much as he would need to pay as an absent parent?

mummy917 · 28/07/2026 19:35

I would’ve thought the same @Lizchapman but I know very little about child maintenance. He agreed when he left that he would provide what they needed at his house when they were with him and vice versa.

I still don’t know if he is planning on getting his tattoo in September or if he’s rearranged it as it falls on his time. I’m guessing he won’t have rearranged it though and his poor mum will be roped in to childcare, so she will potentially have them the Wednesday Thursday and Friday that week.

OP posts:
Pessismistic · 28/07/2026 19:37

Hi op good luck tomorrow fingers crossed the twat turns up for his kids.

mummy917 · 28/07/2026 19:42

Thank you, I’m looking forward to going back to work 😊

OP posts:
Daisymail · 28/07/2026 20:15

Yes, good luck for tomorrow!

lessglittermoremud · 28/07/2026 20:17

Good luck for tomorrow!

OlderGlaswegianLivingInDevon · 28/07/2026 20:19

Does his mum look after the children in his home or at hers ?
If it is at hers, she is providing the gas/elec/water and I bet she's paying for their food.

likeafishneedsabike · 28/07/2026 20:25

Have a great day back at work, OP!

Lostpassporthelp · 28/07/2026 20:33

Good luck tomorrow @mummy917, I hope you have a fabulous first shift back.

Hopefully Twattoo would have let you know by now if he was going to pull the sick card.

mummy917 · 28/07/2026 20:41

She looks after them at her house but we have always provided the food for them and he is still doing that now so he says.

Thank you everyone for the well wishes tomorrow!

I haven’t heard from him so my alarm is set for 4:30 and I will be leaving here around 6am with the kids. Everyone is bathed, clothes are out and ready for in the morning for everyone and I’ve made my food for work. Tomorrow is the final step in getting my life fully back on track and I’m ever so grateful for all of your continued cheering on ☺️

Here’s hoping for a smooth day tomorrow! 🤞

OP posts:
Lizchapman · 28/07/2026 20:43

mummy917 · 28/07/2026 20:41

She looks after them at her house but we have always provided the food for them and he is still doing that now so he says.

Thank you everyone for the well wishes tomorrow!

I haven’t heard from him so my alarm is set for 4:30 and I will be leaving here around 6am with the kids. Everyone is bathed, clothes are out and ready for in the morning for everyone and I’ve made my food for work. Tomorrow is the final step in getting my life fully back on track and I’m ever so grateful for all of your continued cheering on ☺️

Here’s hoping for a smooth day tomorrow! 🤞

Go @mummy917 you’ve totally got this 😊

MrsPerfect12 · 28/07/2026 20:45

Good luck for tomorrow. Hope you manage to sleep well.

Nannylovesshopping · 28/07/2026 20:45

Go warrior woman, I bet you are fabulous at your job too! 😀

tinyspiny · 28/07/2026 20:52

Best wishes for tomorrow

DwarfPalmetto · 28/07/2026 20:58

Good luck for tomorrow @mummy917 I hope you have a fabulous day at work.

Nessiesfoodprovider · 28/07/2026 21:19

Good luck for tomorrow @mummy917 will be thinking of you x