There We Are Then - part 2

[mummy917]

Follow on from previous

I suspect when he rang the nursery they probably twigged what he was up to. They’ve heard it all from feckless fathers.

Had he dropped the other two off at nursery before he got to your house, or did he drop them after? If he’d dropped them beforehand it makes sense nursery would know, if he hadn’t why would he bother telling them before dropping the other two off as surely it would make sense to tell them at the time? I’m also amazed he actually knows how to use the nursery app/how to contact their key worker.

He rang them before he got to mine and dropped the poorly two at my house and then took the other 2 into nursery.

There We Are Then.

That really doesn’t make much sense, why go to that effort when he could just tell them in person when he dropped the other two off.

Divorce courts expect you to go to mediation first, to speed up the court case.

Why are you so anxious about not riling/upsetting/annoying this man, what’s the worse he can do? If it’s something hideous you are thinking is coming, it can be documented along with all the other shite he has thrown at you, it’s just more ammunition for your day in court, let him bring it on and show the world his true colours, remember you are warrior woman and mum…

Because he can make a private phone call to them but when dropping off would have to speak in front of the kids?

Also I think if he does not cooperate with mediation or refuses it, then it is documented and the courts will take note of his attitude.

Kindly, @mummy917 , this?

Anxiety/threat brain has this way of magnifying how awful x likely something will be, but also underestimates our ability to cope x our resources/support. It also makes us spend a lot of time worrying about a load of hypotheticals.

You have demonstrated over and over again that you are very capable and resilient, also that you do problem solve the practicals, so, really what is the worst that you fear from him? And how bad will it actually be? Short term & long term?

Glad the potty training is going so well!!

So he's 100pc lying about your daughter being sick again. I've been divorced from your ex husbands clone for 16 years. I'd like to say he's become less of a twat but I'd be lying. You are doing brilliantly, but this is who he is, I suspect it will never change.

I think I’m just so anxious because it’s my default feeling around stuff like this. I’m a huge overthinker anyway and do probably go to worst case scenario 99% of the time.

When I have just been to pick the other 2 up from nursery while my mum watched girl twin and my eldest boy, they asked how she’d been and said she would be fine going in tomorrow when I told them she’s had no temp or any further sickness. She’s been back to her old self today thank goodness!

I suspect they can also see right through him.
I did wonder whether they’d notice, and say something. I’m sure they’ve seen it time and again, and can easily spot the truthful parent v the manipulative one.

Not that they’d be able to say that up front, of course.

Ref Wednesday, "ill" or not, surely you tell him (not ask) that you will be dropping them off as per the 50:50 he has INSISTED on. This is his new reality, he never once stayed home when you were poorly, not even after you'd been on an IV.

If 50:50 isn't working, and this includes the early Friday drop-offs, contact CMS and your solicitor with the evidence you have been keeping. You do not have to seek his permission. I am not trying to minimise your anxiety but so what if he kicks off, what can he actually do? If he starts to harass you, contact the police.

Oh OP reading how he treated you when you were ill is so sad. I have had hyperemesis in my pregnancies and it is just awful.

It took me a long time to unpack how being poorly makes me so anxious, and it was due to behaviour from my ex, who was also unsupportive and selfish just like yours and made me feel like the worst person ever for even being ill, never mind thinking I might get some help from him. 😔

He is definitely trying to scupper your first day back at work.

Even if he was truly ill, it's just tough. I didn't have any sympathy anyway but particularly knowing he'd swan off to work when you'd had IV treatment for HG I hate him even more now on your behalf. 😡

I haven’t told him that I have backup childcare arranged for Wednesday if or when he says he’s poorly. I want him to realise that I can’t just ring in work and I shouldn’t have to when it’s on his time.

He has always had the mindset that his job is more important than mine and he’d hardly ever take a day off for any sort of childcare or if I was ill.

I’m so sorry your ex made you anxious to be ill, that’s absolutely awful. I don’t think I ever felt anxious, just full of dread that I’d still be doing everything like normal, whilst feeling like utter crap at the same time.

That’s awful, isn’t your job within the NHS and when you were full time I’m sure you said you actually earnt more than him anyway? (Not that higher wage = more importance but in this case it does!)

Well his job doesn't benefit you in any way, so there's no reason for him to expect you to prioritise it!
Don't let him get away with this notion that having the kids is optional or dependent upon how he feels. You cope with your children when unwell and there's no reason he can't! And if he can't, then he needs to sort backup childcare and that's not you! I wouldn't even check in advance - I'd just turn up on his doorstep and leave him to it!

I agree. It MUST be grey rock. Factual, unemotional. OP must not justify herself regarding bills to pay etc.

Is it also possible that he’s looking forward and thinking that if he doesn’t have the children on Wednesday and Thursday then you cannot force him to keep them until 10am on Friday??

Don’t worry, I will be absolutely continuing to grey rock! It really is the only way to deal with him.

Yeah I did earn more than him when I was on a full time salary and while both our roles come with responsibility, I don’t think he ever quite understood how much responsibility comes with mine day to day. I often got the “well you only work 3 days a week” too. It used to infuriate me.

His argument was so stupid, your 3 days were much longer hours than his and he ‘only’ works 4 days a week anyway so it’s not like he’s out there 7 days a week 5am till 10pm, like a farmer or something. To me it seems like he had far cushier hours than you had.

There was a previous poster who said every time you give an example of twatoo’s behaviour, her vagina shrinks. I’m with her on that. He’s a despicable man child.

His hours only equated to 32 over the 4 days after breaks were deducted. And it wasn’t a competition but he thought I had it better because I had days off during the week etc. It was all so petty.

I used to also pick bank shifts up where I could on a weekend so we had a little bit extra money to put towards holidays etc. I feel like he didn’t really see the extras I did to support us all.

i feel like he didn’t really see the extras I did to support us all.

Drawing on my decades of experience of working with abusive men, I'd say no. He saw. He just didn't like the story it told him about his own (warped) story of masculinity.