There We Are Then - part 2

[mummy917]

Follow on from previous

I’d add a smug smile to your communication now. As in, he texts that he’s told nursery she’s been sick.
You reply, ‘fab, thanks 😊’

Lots of this- 😊😊😊😊 when he’s trying to sabotage and upset you, will really wind him up 🤭

He did say to me at handover “I’m feeling a bit dodgy this morning, if I’m not well by Wednesday, I don’t have anyone for childcare as my mum is on holiday.” I’ve told him I cannot facilitate and there’s been numerous times I’ve looked after the kids poorly so I’m unsure why he couldn’t do the same. The reply I got was “I’ll remember that if you’re ever poorly” 🙄

Hilarious. I'd have struggled not to respond, calmly but clearly, "You never have in the past when I've been ill and still left to look after the children by myself, so I had zero expectations that you would now that we're divorcing. Why you had such an expectation for yourself now is baffling."

He’s done that out of spite. I also very much doubt your twin daughter has been sick for a second time, but I can understand why you’re not making an issue out of it.

I have really struggled to keep my cool this morning but I am not at all surprised by him doing this regarding Wednesday. I know he’ll be futile to lose my head though, it would just give him the satisfaction of knowing he’d gotten to me. It’s his treatment and total disregard for potentially not seeing the kids between now and the end of next week that I struggle with. I couldn’t imagine being so okay about going that amount of time without seeing them. I struggle enough with Wednesday to Monday every other week.

I'm not surprised that you're finding it hard to keep your cool, OP. I can feel my anger building just reading what his latest antics are. I do agree though with grey rock all the way.

I’ve been following your threads from the start, OP and the more you post about him, the more obvious it has become that you are, and always were, way too good for him. You are doing brilliantly and whilst it will be hard, you will be much better off without him. Whether you meet someone down the line or not.

It’s upsetting now the scales are falling from your eyes. You’re realising that you’ve spent all that time with a self centred shit, while thinking you were a family. 💐

WRT

• the Use the BIFF response: Keep replies Brief, Informative, Friendly (or neutral), and Firm. Stick strictly to logistics and ignore bait, insults, or gaslighting. 1, 2, 3]

not that I'm in any way an expert but I think coming up with a stock phrase (so you don't have to think of Tesco or uniforms etc) to counter any attempt by him to vary the agreed arrangements, and to repeat it grey rock style, would fit this (and I think, as an added bonus, really infuriate him without retaliating). Something like "no can do, I've arranged things for the time when the children are with you" (maybe adding "so I'm prioritising them when it's my time" for the stinger), and repeat it every time he tries a different tack. I've done this before, not with an (ex) partner, admittedly, they soon gave up when they realised they weren't going to get anywhere.

just for the craic

I think it might be worth holding off on the mediation for a little while in order to build up some real decent evidence against him to 1) push at mediation for the parenting app and 2) show that he really can't manage 50/50. Every argument/incident there has been in the last 2 weeks has been to so with him wanting to do less for some reason supposedly out of his control (even though it's entirely his choice). I'd let him continue to be his usual self for a little while longer and the evidence will end up speaking for itself.

If he says he can’t have the kids on Wednesday I’d reply sweetly: that’s absolutely fine - 50:50 really isn’t working for you is it.

I would be tempted to follow up with a text to evidence your conversation. It is Monday after all so if he needs to make arrangements for Wednesday then he’s got plenty of time. Although I’d probably add something that says it almost sounds like he’s planning to be sick.

Maybe more diplomatic would be something like “As discussed, whilst it’s unfortunate timing as I’ll be back at work on Wednesday, I’d like to reiterate I’m not being deliberately difficult - I just have bills to pay and only a part time income. Your “I’ll remember that when you’re ill!” is really not conducive to shared parenting. Given it’s Monday and you’re already suggesting you will be ill by Wednesday, you have plenty of time to make arrangements. Thankfully I’ve managed to avoid the sickness and your mum has too but if not, do remember to stock up on medicine!”

I think telling him I feel 50/50 isn’t working if he decides to say on Wednesday he can’t have them, is my only option alongside mediation.

He has defo laid the foundations for not having the kids Wednesday.

So, when he inevitably can’t have the children on Wednesday because he’s so ill 🙄, I’d be having a good rummage around any social media you are on of his still for a couple of days, just to check he’s not been stupid enough to post something, or been tagged into something that’ll give his game away, again to add to the evidence bank….

Don’t forget a “we could also do with discussing spousal maintenance given 50:50 isn’t working”

I’d simply state it as a fact rather than your opinion which he will then disparage. You have a back up plan, will get to see the kids in the evenings but I suspect it will make him very careful not to do that again if you make no fuss but make it clear it’s all being recorded. What he’s looking for is you telling him you’ll be hugely inconvenienced and getting angry about it 😂

@mummy917 am I correct in thinking that not one week has gone by where he’s had the DCs, kept to the schedule, and not tried to mess you about with hair/tattoo/car appointments, etc?

Are you still in the first month, @mummy917, which is when the lawyer suggested you need increased flexibility whilst he gets into his new routine? Don't get me wrong, I understand, but I wonder if you need to be seen to be facilitating the existing arrangement for a bit longer.

This.
Every verbal conversation of this sort needs to be backed up in writing.
Start the message with "As discussed this morning (or whenever)" then just factually repeat what was said, with no comment or opinion, and finish by briefly adding any conclusion or decision needed from you (you may not need to add anything).

I would say it is too early to rock the boat on the 50/50 - you need several more weeks or even months of evidence.
Remember, you are playing the long game; don't jump the gun.

It is a good thing that he won't be seeing DC for nearly two weeks, because this proves that he is slowly drifting towards the eventual outcome which we all predict: in the end he will be seeing them EOW and paying you maintenance. It is just a matter of biding your time and watching it all slowly unfurl.

We are into the 2nd month now. I am facilitating it as if he drops me in it on Wednesday, I do have a back up plan sorted for childcare, but I do worry this would happen again and again. I am intrigued to hear what his reason will be to drop them off at 7am on the Friday in a few weeks time once we’re back from our holiday.

Yes, every Friday so far he’s tried to bring them back at 7am as opposed to 10 which was agreed.

As far as I understand it, when you get to court for the decree nisi (first stage of divorce) that is when you can get a financial order and a child contact order made.
Do check this with your solicitor.

What is the timetable for the divorce? I recall you filed the initial documents?

If you know a rough timetable, that will help you bite your tongue when he is being an arsehole. You will be gathering all your evidence in the meantime, then hit him with it in court (or mediation beforehand).
Ask your solicitor for dates and an explanation of the process (do some googling first to get a basic understanding).
You need to know how long this phase is going to drag on for.

No. Far too chatty and interactive. OP does better just sticking to the minimum if he tries to move goalposts or otherwise push set boundaries. He already knows he has to get childcare in place - him or someone else for Wednesday. It really is not OP's job to remind him. Any text if he tries it on again is best short and to the point, it is not her job to sort his childcare out for him.

Don't talk to him about maintainance yet. Wait until you've had legal advice and mediation. Keep your cards close to your chest OP.

I think the main thing is to evidence the attitude and threats of retaliation. A contemporaneous account that evidences his behaviour. He’s very unlikely to claim via text he didn’t say that. Instead his response or lack of will confirm it to be true.

you’ve mentioned mediation a few times - what are you hoping yo get from it? Mediation won’t make him and less of a Twat(oo)

You are doing amazing tho and just wanted to say it’s not linear, some days are / will be tougher than others.