There We Are Then - part 2

[mummy917]

Follow on from previous

Yes, I suspected the honesty around the twin actually being sick again. Might just have to let this one happen, give the benefit of the doubt, and keep an eye on it. If he’s lied, there’s a good chance he’ll slip up later at some point… at least then you’ll know.

For now, focus on getting them well again and potty trained as best you can.

It’s a pretty stupid lie, if it is one though as it’s something OP’s 9 year old could easily confirm or deny happened. It’s bound to pop up in conversation “Poor Mavis, I’m sorry you were sick again yesterday”, little Douglas hears and replies “Mavis wasn’t sick yesterday Mummy, she was sick on Thursday”.

Importantly has the potty training been continued whilst you haven’t been at the helm?

I agree that it is likely a lie and this is his revenge on you. Hence why he has already, rather efficiently, told nursery too. He is a very petty, little man who it would be right on character. The car thing is a load of absolute rubbish. I also agree with those saying he must have a pre-existing Friday commitment. I wonder if he wants to leave early as he travels somewhere else every Friday for the weekend when he does not have the kids.

Yeah I just have to give him the benefit of the doubt this time because there’s no way of knowing otherwise, unless he slips up himself.

I know the car thing is rubbish as he’s been able to drop them off today then head to pick up a colleague and then to work 🙄

He did say to me at handover “I’m feeling a bit dodgy this morning, if I’m not well by Wednesday, I don’t have anyone for childcare as my mum is on holiday.” I’ve told him I cannot facilitate and there’s been numerous times I’ve looked after the kids poorly so I’m unsure why he couldn’t do the same. The reply I got was “I’ll remember that if you’re ever poorly” 🙄

My parents have said they could help on Wednesday if necessary and in my mind, he’s already planted the seed so he now won’t see the kids till we get back from our holiday.

What an effing bellend!

My goodness he takes predictability to a whole new and very petty level. I agree with the PPs who have said that he can’t stand the fact that you are coping and have not fallen at his feet weeping and begging him to come back.

Yes, it does seem like he’s planting the seed. Little does he know you’re covered.
How will he react if his mother says she is too unwell to childmind for him? Will he deliver the same snide remark?

’well yes, you seem to forget I was married to you when I was poorly and parenting solo, so I hardly expect you to start helping out now.’

I'd have been so tempted to say "well you didn't help me when I was poorly when we were married, so I'd never expect it now". You are so restrained for holding your tongue - definitely the right thing to do but the temptation to bite back!!!!!

I was just about to comment along similar lines!

He sais: “I’ll remember that if you’re ever poorly”

You: "I'll take my chances since you haven't managed to remember so far..."

You're doing really well. Not taking the bait. Staying calm. Bloody well done.

I’ll remember that if you are ever poorly?
What has he got there some sort of revenge Olympics spreadsheet?
How you or any woman could ever have found this man attractive…. he’s the definition of I can feel my ovaries shrinking reading his words.
So he’s basically booking on ‘me time’ before your family holiday? He really doesn’t give a shit.
Get to mediation as soon as you can.

It’s becoming increasingly difficult to not say anything to him in retaliation but I know that’s exactly what he wants.

Yes he has kept up with potty training while he’s had them and they’re doing brilliantly, so that shows me he is more than capable and just chose to be lazy when we were married.

I literally wouldn’t ask him to help me out with childcare if I was ever poorly on my days and felt unable to look after the kids. I’d ask my parents first before going to him, as I know he’d take it as an opportunity to use it against me down the line.

No, he wouldn’t say anything to upset his mum as he needs her on side for Wednesdays and Thursdays while he’s at work. He’s taken this Wednesday and Thursday coming as annual leave as she’s on holiday, so I think it’ll make him even more inclined to say he’s now came down with the bug. I mean, he might genuinely be ill with it but I certainly didn’t get any grace when it was me. He still went to work when I asked him on a couple of occasions to stay at home and look after the kids when I had flu and when I had hyperemesis in early pregnancy with the twins. I ended up needing IV fluids that time and he still took no time off, my mum ended up having to help me.

Just keep notes. The pattern will soon show up.

And yes, the answer to ‘I’ll remember that if you’re ever ill’, would be ‘I already know what you’re like when I’m ill.’

Not that you’re answering.

So all this “I’ll remember this when you are poorly” is just utter nonsense as he was crap in any event!
He is just so predictable. It really does look like it’s all about him wanting to maintain control and his “you’re so controlling” complaints were really just a mirror for his own behaviour. Hats off to you for remaining so composed in response to such self centred and childish behaviour. You really do retain the power in all this and he looks like a toddler stamping his foot.

Oh wow op this tosser gets worse every time. I really hope he doesn’t do this deliberately because it’s early days and he really is a spiteful bully. As for girl twin he hasn’t got anything to gain by lying it might not be the bug again it might just be a one off thing. Wednesday is his day so don’t let him drop you in it tell him parenting doesn’t get sick leave well you never did. I know you don’t want to rile him but he really needs to know your no longer together and he doesn’t get to ruin your life whenever he can’t get his own way.

I know you probably can’t see it yet but long term he has done you the biggest favour. He was no prince, even before your recent breakup. The fact he wouldn’t help when you were poorly or when you were so sick with the twins you needed IV fluids show what a selfish idiot he is. You deserve so much better than being saddled with a lazy man-child.

I just googled coparenting with a narcissist and this is what it came back with. It pretty much echoes what everyone has been saying throughout the thread. TBH @mummy917 I think you’ve pretty much cracked it! There’s loads out there on the Internet and books specifically about this subject which might help you stay on track.

Co-parenting with a narcissist is not a communication challenge; it is an exercise in damage control and boundary setting. The most effective strategies require shifting from cooperative co-parenting to parallel parenting, utilizing the grey-rock method, and keeping all communication strictly documented. 1, 2, 3, 4]
Shift to Parallel Parenting

• Disengage completely: Treat your ex like a difficult business partner rather than an intimate partner. Accept that you cannot control their household rules, bedtimes, or values. 1, 2, 3]
• Minimize direct contact: Reduce face-to-face interactions. Arrange drop-offs and pickups at neutral public locations or schools to limit conflict. 1, 2, 3]
• Stop expecting change: Drop the hope that they will ever prioritize your child’s emotional needs over their own ego or desire for control. 1]

Master Communication Tactics

• Move online: Keep all conversations in writing through email or dedicated tracking tools like OurFamilyWizard. Avoid phone calls entirely. 1, 2, 3]
• Use the BIFF response: Keep replies Brief, Informative, Friendly (or neutral), and Firm. Stick strictly to logistics and ignore bait, insults, or gaslighting. 1, 2, 3]
• Practise JADE restraint: Do not Justify, Argue, Defend, or Explain your personal life or parenting choices. 1]

Protect Your Children

• Be the safe harbor: Provide a calm, stable, and unconditionally loving home. Children of narcissistic parents need at least one reliably regulated adult. 1, 2]
• Never badmouth the other parent: Refrain from criticizing your ex in front of your children, no matter how hard it is. Let your ex's behavior reveal itself naturally over time without your input. 1, 2, 3]
• Keep kids out of the middle: Never use your children as messengers or pump them for information about what happens in the other house. 1]

Every time I read about this tosser’s latest communication I can feel my vagina sealing up a millimetre more. If he bails on Wednesday (he will because he has annual leave he wants for himself) I will actually turn into a Barbie doll down there. He is so …….unmasculine. More of an infant than a man.

Not responding must be really hard but it might help to dial down the immediate impulse to reply if you can just say to yourself - what he is accusing me of is what he is guilty of. He is controlling. He is useless. He is the unco-operative one.

I promise that one day whatever he says won't impact on you at all. It is still early days so be kind to yourself - you are doing brilliantly.

What a knob , frankly if he doesn’t want them this week and your parents are willing I’d just make a note of it and use it as ammo in the future should you want to claim CMS when he becomes regularly unreliable .

The fact that he ‘helpfully’ told the nursery about the sickness makes me suspicious. But as other posters have said, all you can do is go with it on this occasion

You are doing so well, OP! I think not rising to his bait is the best thing - if you lay down with this dog, you'll catch fleas etc.

I kept a diary of all the things I wanted to say to my ex and couldn't. He was very abusive with narcissistic traits, I cannot tell you the lengths he went to, to try and get a rise out of me - including saying he had found a pornographic photo of me online🙄. It was helpful actually writing it down vs typing.

I'm not a huge fan of AI, but I'd be minded to create a picture of him having a mantrum on the front doorstep (with his shit tattoos) while you are looking at him, indifferent and serene. Sometimes a visual just before 'going into battle' can be helpful.

He’s never been the one to inform the nursery of illness before so I was quite taken aback at that.

I’m so glad I have something sorted for this week if he drops me in it, which I’m almost certain he will now.

I'm going to caveat this by admitting I can be petty and a total bitch when the need arises. I'm also someone who thinks the moral high ground is highly overrated. So my thought is if he's lied to the nursery to screw you over, remember that 2 can play that game. Don't let on that you know he's done this - let him think he's got one over on you and when the time comes you can do the same to him, if you want.
I quite like the concept of revenge being a dish best served cold.
You may choose never to exercise this power but I think it helps psychologically to know that you could, if you wanted to. Knowing that he really doesn't have all the power here, will help you to break free of his conditioning, in time.