There We Are Then - part 2

[mummy917]

Follow on from previous

It’s not necessary though - I’ve been on my own since ex left 36 years ago and really couldn’t be happier 😊

If I were you, in the future I might fancy a little light flirtation!

Someone where the relationship is based on mutual favours, where the things you do for each other are done freely and appreciated freely. Helping each other with life’s stresses not because you’re obliged to but because you want to.

The day he thinks you’ve cooked for him because it’s your job/role is the day to move along! When we stop seeing what we do for each other, life loses richness.

<the wisdom gained from a very long marriage where we probably shouldn’t have stuck with it>

@Lizchapman it's wonderful to hear how content you are!

@PrizedPickledPopcorn yes I totally agree with that way of thinking. It’s very true!

I’m another who thinks he might try to scupper Wednesday for you. Can you ask your parents to be back up this week? Even though you’re supernumerary, this must be occupying some headspace.
Is there someone else in the hospital, someone in the same boat, who would be willing to reciprocate childminding with you going forward? You know, someone who is accustomed to early starts as you are, who will do it for a point per hour, i.e. no money changes hands. You might feel more secure than relying on him, won’t be using more of your savings and it rules out the possibility of him making you jobless.
For five years I had this arrangement with one primary friend and a few others when mine were young and I worked part time.

My parents have said they will help on Wednesday if need be but obviously that’s not a permanent arrangement. There’s nobody at work who has children as young as mine (or as many 🤣) who I could do that kind of arrangement with. There’s a few who probably would help me out if I needed it though so it might be worth mentioning it to them when I go back.

It’s well worth lining up a few possibilities, letting people know he’s being an arse and may try and sabotage you so you’re just sounding out some emergency backstop positions, to spike his guns when he tries.

I can’t believe I’m having to think of things like this. I don’t know how I never saw how blatantly unreliable he is when I was married to him 🤦‍♀️

Because you saw yourselves as a team. You didn’t notice that you were the one filling all the gaps.

Because he had conditioned you to believe that filling all the gaps for him was your job and if it wasn’t seamless that was your failing not his

How are you the useless one if he is the one that keeps arranging stuff when he’s meant to still have the kids? Cheeky git that he is.

I had two children, she had two and with playgroup, nursery and school - like a Venn diagram - others, as I said, got involved.
Look beyond your ward colleagues to see if someone else would help and benefit from your help. Hospitals employ a lot of people who need to start early, complete long shifts, and be reliable. Kindred spirits.
I wouldn’t see it as an emergency, just as a practical way of weathering work and parenthood. It worked for us as it did for the babysitting group I belonged to.

@mummy917

".... “you’re a f’ing useless bitch”. "

Honestly, this tells you everything you need to know. You are 'useless' because you refuse to facilitate his life, poor diddums. How dare you not make his life seamlessly easy for him by complying with his every whim and desire!

Fuck him, the horse he rode in on, and the stable he's keeping it at!

You didn't see if because life before children is basically 'easy'. Just two people who can normally fend for themselves. Or if not, with no children it's easier to say "OK, I can do that for you" because you really don't have to think about how it will be 'worked out'. Once children are in the picture things get very complicated.

@mummy917 before your split did he ever use language like “You’re a f’ing useless bitch” to either you or when speaking about other people?

They had to let the horse go. Something about non-payment of stable fees…..

Non-payment of stable fees. 😂

He might not screw up your arrangements and things may go smoothly but I always worked on 'the worst case scenario', both in my head and in real life. It's called preparation and you strike me as a very organised and prepared woman. I really hope Friday is ok and he doesn't do a repeat of last week and Wednesday goes well.

Oh, he needs that horse to get to work. His car is broken.

Well, shame on @mummy917 for not paying them for him, right? 🙄

Absolutely agree. The best revenge is a life well-lived.

OP, I have been following your posts and you are doing bloody marvellously. Some tips from a lawyer:

1. His behaviour towards you is abuse. Insist on using the parenting app; a judge would order for the app to be used if a victim requests it - they frequently do so even when there is no abuse (avoiding confrontation is enough). I would expect the mediator to make this clear to him which might mean he agrees without being forced. If he has any sense he will not want a judge to see the evidence you have.
2. The first 3-6 months are often seen as a settling in period by the courts and establishing the status quo. Whilst you need to be careful to not make it seem that his 50% is being met if it's not, the court will expect some flex on both sides initially, and certainly in the first month or so. Especially as you have four children and he has a brand new house to set up. You being flexible and helping with potties and mattresses etc shows you are reasonable, prioritising the children's welfare and seeking to make the transition as smooth as possible for them. That will put you in a good light with the judge. You will not be expected to do this longer-term though.
3. Judges are alert to fathers who want 50:50 when they did little childcare before separation and those who want equal time but not equal responsibility. They know a 50:50 order might be requested to avoid child maintenance and as a control tactic. That said, if the judge feels it is in the children's best interests to do so they will order 50:50. A judge is unlikely to take a view that initial teething problems should prevent 50:50, but they might well take a different tact if there are continued issues and shortfalls. So, like you are doing, keep a record of everything.
4. Now you are coming out of the initial flux of the first month, you can expect teething problems to subside. It is totally understandable that you don't want to watch him fail if that affects the children, and you don't need to. If he doesn't have a critical item you can ask if he wants to adjust the agreed custody schedule until he has what he needs. For the car issue (if it repeats), you could ask if he has managed to sort alternative transport and if not, does he want to adjust the agreed custody schedule. That way you are highlighting each time the help you are giving is by adjusting the schedule i.e. he is not meeting what has been agreed. However, you are not obliged to offer to adjust the schedule, and as you say, there are times when you wont be able to due to work commitments.
5. Make sure you get an idea of whether you might be entitled to spousal maintenance. You may well want to not pursue it, but at the very least make sure you know what you are writing off and what that means you might miss out on.

Hope this helps.

Hope it all goes okay tomorrow for drop off and everything is all good on Wednesday.
I have another suggestion if he wishes to reduce contact that would mean you could still do 2 shifts per week.
Every other weekend but on the next week he has them Wednesday & Thursday so 4/5 nights total per fortnight.

I have laughed so hard at the stable fees comment and him using the horse because his car is broken 🤣🤣🤣 honestly I spat my tea out hahaha!

@Windswept1 thank you so much, that was all really helpful! I will broach the subject of the parenting app again definitely and will be talking to him again about mediation. I have never even looked into spousal maintenance. I knew it existed but it has never entered my head to even open that door as that would provoke an even bigger reaction from him, if he thought I was benefitting from it in any way.

@Lostpassporthelp he hasn’t called me that before, no. He has told me in the past to shut up, shut the f up (again not in front of the kids) and has said “stop talking, this conversation is done” when I have tried to get my point across or say how I felt. It wasn’t often really, because he’d usually tell me I was “going on again” or that I didn’t really feel the way I said I did and it was me looking for an excuse, so the conversation didn’t often get past that point before I’d back down.

and has said “stop talking, this conversation is done”

Good grief!

Whilst it’s all horrendous, I think calling you a F’king useless Bitch is a step too far and you need to warn him that if he continues to use harassing language you’ll report him to the Police. It falls under two categories, harassment and malicious communications. Whilst I’m not suggesting you actually report him at this stage, if the abuse continues you should do.