There We Are Then - part 2

[mummy917]

Follow on from previous

Op there is also another woman involved because the free Friday thing must mean he can spend it with her no one who has 4 kids arranges things without sorting out childcare so his frustration is your stopping him getting to his mistress. You really don’t have to do anything to make his life easier he wants the kids so let him do his job. Be a bloody parent honestly he is one of the most selfish men I have ever heard of and there are plenty of them around.

If the arrangement he made doesn’t work for him, he needs to step up and discuss it like an adult.

He needs to suggest something that works better, like taking the children to his mum’s, himself.

My only worry OP, what if he totally spits out his dummy and refuses to do Wednesday at all. Will that scupper your work or is there another arrangement?

Kids get a lot more expensive during their teens and the couple of years preceding them. If he can’t do 50/50 properly, he’ll have to give you CMS. You don’t need to discuss it with him - you’d just tell him what the CMS calculator says he needs to pay, and if he refuses, you ask them to take it from his wages. Personally, I’d be having a long hard think about what I wanted this separation to look like going forwards (and because you’re a good mum, that is essentially what you think will work best for the kids) and I’d be talking to my solicitor about how to go about getting that. If you really believe that this arrangement is in your and their best interests - based on what you know of his parenting past and present and his ability to properly co-parent so that you are not effectively remote parenting (financially, in providing basics, emotionally, practically - running kids to extra-curriculars in his time, facilitating hair cuts he’s responsible for etc) 50% of the time and parenting in real life the rest - then great: hopefully this will settle down once he finally understands your boundaries are solid. However, if you feel that this arrangement is in no-one’s best interests but his, I’d be thinking about how you can make every other weekend and a night in the week (or whatever pattern you think is best for you and the kids) work logistically (factoring in using CMS for a childminder for nursery drop-offs etc). and going from there. Be honest with yourself about the extent to which you are letting your fear of him and his reactions determine the route this separation is taking (I say that with no judgement - he’s a nasty bully and you seem very strong, so maybe the answer is that it isn’t at play here, but he’s certainly tried to ensure it is, with his whining about you being controlling). Just because he chose to end it, doesn’t mean he gets to say how things are arranged - especially as there’s scant evidence that he’s motivated by the kids’ best interest, unlike yourself. I’d use next week with the kids to really reflect on what you want the next couple of years to look like. You are doing so well ❤️❤️❤️

He’ll think he can force it on me. However I will be at work trying on my new uniform, so he will find the house empty before even 7am. I’ll go to work early and have a cuppa with some of my colleagues before they start their shift.

Excellent - and make sure you have your ring door bell set to capture his visit!

What a tool he is! I also think he will land you in it next Wednesday when you return to work. I think if he does, you could document that and tell him obviously the agreed plan is no longer working, he hasn't replied to your message regarding mediation therefore you will contact csm.

If he dropped me in for a Wednesday or a Thursday then I’d need to overhaul my whole flexible working arrangement and I’m not even sure what I could change it to so I could still work the 24 hours a week if he only had them every other weekend. If he had them EOW then I’d work that whole weekend but I’d be stuck for the following week. Childminders and other availability at nursery isn’t an option at the moment as they’re full 😩 he has me over a barrel in that sense to be honest.

My fear of how he’s going to react or treat me is a factor in some of the things I’ve agreed to and I know it shouldn’t be, I know I need to be stronger and a better advocate for the kids, but sometimes I just don’t have the energy to take another verbal beating from him.

The schedule I originally proposed to him would’ve worked better for everyone and was also 50/50, however he “wanted every other Friday off, so I can have my long weekends to myself”. I don’t have an endless pot of money and have dipped into my savings a few times to pay for the divorce, the kids’ mattresses and that’s where the money for my solicitor and any potential mediation would come from too. I have to think about the ongoing financial impact all of this legal stuff will have on me and the kids too, especially with me having to reduce my hours from 37.5 to 24.

I’ll be honest, I don’t feel as though I have a great back up plan either as while I have the support of my friends alongside my parents, my parents are the only ones logistically who could help at all with childcare. But they’re not as able physically.

How would he treat you? You say that’s one of your fears but he already treats and talks to you like crap…. I just wonder what it is you are actually worried about him doing.

He is a truly crappy human being and you are doing so well x

You might not want to do this, however in order to stop the verbal abuse could you request he only communicates with you through a WhatsApp group that also contains his mother in the chat? She wouldn’t have to get involved on a day to day basis, however having her there in the group may make him school his language and behaviour towards you. I’m suggesting his mother as he would probably look at that more favourably than one of your parents.

If he starts messing you about with your work, your best form of defence is to make it clear there will be financial consequences for him. If you cannot work because he consistently fails to adhere to the agreements, then you will be pursuing him for spousal and child support. Make him see that playing ball is his most cost effective arrangement.

I would seriously counsel against not going for child support, if he ends up on an EOW arrangement. You didn't have these children all by yourself and if he's going to cheat them out of his time and effort, you owe to them not to let him weasel out of financial support. Your children are owed this and you have to find a way to overcome his conditioning of you and your fear, to get them what the are owed and deserved from him.

It’s really hard! Treading the line between standing up for yourself and the DC, and keeping the fragile status quo so he doesn’t drop you in the shit, work wise.

I don’t want to be pessimistic, you may never need it, but it might be helpful to work out the benefits situation if he is a total shit and makes it impossible for you to work. Just to have an idea of how you’d manage.

It isn’t about being right or fair or just. It’s about playing a game where you position yourself as strongly as possible for the long term benefit of your kids.

I’m not disagreeing with anything you’ve said or done- I hope it doesn’t read as though I am. I think you are wise to be circumspect about how you deal with him. Cool and neutral, just information exchanges.
You are right to avoid winding him up. It’s a hard line to tread. Don’t let the fact he’s an arse and deserves to know it upset the apple cart!

He wants to be totally free of you @mummy917 but won’t allow you to be free of him! As I think I’ve said before on this thread, he wants the bachelor lifestyle which includes keeping his entire wage, but still wants you as the backup wife you always were. He’s fully expecting you to be ‘on standby’ to step in when he makes arrangement outside of your agreement. He has absolutely no consideration or respect for you as a fully independent human being including your entitlement to make plans and move on with your life. Hence why he’s getting nasty that it’s not working out that way. He’s an angry bully. Stay strong, OP. Don’t back down for the sake of peace in the present out of to fear of how we will pay you back in the future. He bullied you throughout your marriage. You will be teaching him that his bullying tactics still work! Read up on narcissism and narcissistic men. It’s an eye-opener.

I don’t think there’s anything further he could do or say that’s potentially worse than anything he’s said or done so far, I just want to avoid any added verbal rubbish from him if I can.

I’ve already put a claim in for UC so I’m getting financial support that way too which I’m very grateful for.

I know the kids are owed financial support from him as a bare minimum and I’m doing my best to overcome that fear of how he will react. I will put it to one side for the kids and just deal with his contempt if it does come to that.

If you can evidence domestic abuse, which based on what you’ve said I think you can, you may be entitled to legal aid.

As others have said, you do need to document this verbal abuse with school safeguarding lead, with a DA service and with your solicitor too. He has a temper and very poor boundaries and appears to either hate you or be very angry with you so there's possibility of further escalation but even if not, what he is doing now is unacceptable and is abuse.

Refusing mediation would look bad for him, and doing mediation with an abuser who can't put his kids first is unlikely to work in the sense of coming to an agreement but it may prove useful in documenting his abusive behaviour/attitude if he shows it in mediation. And that could be leverage in getting something agreed so that he is barred from contacting you directly. Again, solicitor should advise.

I too think it's highly likely he will try to sabotage your return to work on Weds. He is so stupid and angry that he can't see that you working is better for both him and the kids.

Also if you did end up not working and on benefits, the calculation as to what UC you'd be entitled to does not take into account CMS payments, because DWP know that a lot of these dicks wriggle out of paying anything.

OP, therapy works through the relationship and trust you develop with one qualified psychotherapist (not counsellor) over time. This kind of therapy really ... isn't therapy.

"This was one of the only times I really lost my head with him and I’m ashamed to say I called him a part time dad."

Why are you ashamed? That's how he was behaving. The shame is his.

Hi op I wouldn’t let him just pay you tbh he is just as much responsible as you are for being a parent if he tries to let you down on your working days just remind him his 50/50 agreement his choice. so on his day it’s irrelevant to you if he cannot look after his own children he takes time of work this is a legal requirement or he asks his mum or friends or pays someone you should not have to let your work place down due to him not keeping to his agreement. Also you’re not strong enough to fight the verbal diarrhoea coming out of his mouth but remember he doesn’t care or respect you so he doesn’t give a shit about your feelings or mental health. If you let him dictate now he will keep making arrangements for you to take over so he’s technically getting his cake and eating it. Yes he’s abusive and controlling but he’s also not in charge of you he split with you so he has no say over what you do now. He uses the kids because he knows you will do anything for them but you will be doing it for him. He doesn’t get to tell you how to live your life. He might shout to get his own way but you don’t have to accept this from him. He’s a bully.

You are strong! I certainly wasn’t trying to imply otherwise - more trying to make you aware of how his bullying might be getting in the way of you thinking clearly about what you and the kids really want going forwards. He’s kind of trained you to think that thinking about your own needs is unreasonable (and even that thinking about the kids needs above his is controlling).

His behaviour definitely has an impact on me being able to think clearly about what me and the kids need over the coming months and years.

I still haven’t had a reply after suggesting mediation however I know he’ll be in touch at some point today as he will be wanting to get plans sorted to drop the kids back off in the morning.

Yes, I’m also expecting him to try and put a spanner in the works with me going back to work on Wednesday but I’ll be telling him that it’s his days, so his responsibility to work out for himself. I haven’t told him that I’m on a phased return as supernumerary for the first day back, he thinks I’m going straight back into the numbers and I’ll be keeping that way, otherwise he’ll think it’s even easier for me to just not go in on the Wednesday.

It's not your job to negotiate his childcare with his Mum, OP. Let him do all that. After all it's his time with the DC, and his responsibility. And he will only call you "controling".🌸

I doubt he’ll even mention his outburst, he’ll just sweep it under the carpet.

I think you’ve got the whole of Mumsnet cheering you on for Wednesday and your first day back.

Yes - his ability to make OP naming the bad shit he was doing into a worse thing than his doing the bad shit was impressive DARVO.

So he decides to leave and makes a mess of it - arranges a tattoo but can’t afford basics.
Then on the big day itself he has nobody to help him move.
Can I just re-mention he collapsing wardrobe?
Then he wants 50/50 but his 50 is 50
pef cent his mum?
He has no basic supplies of potties or medicine.
And he has a cheek to call his mother of his children something so vile?
Here’s what I think. He envies the OP and her skills, her popularity with friends and her close family ties. He throws a tantrum at a school event because she chose to stand away from him.
He is dripping with envy because OP hasn’t caved and had a nervous breakdown. She is getting on with her life and he is probably realising that life for him isn’t actually that fun.
He is a hateful, hateful man.
I know OP isn’t ready to meet anyone but when she is I hope she meets one capable, strong, handsome bastard.

That last sentence made me laugh 🤣 I’d love to meet a capable, strong, handsome bastard one day hahaha. At 36 though, I’m not sure there’ll be many left for me 🤣

Can we add solvant and kind to the list ☺️. He’s out there for you OP, it might take a little time until you are ready to meet him but you will.

I couldn’t think of anything worse at the moment but who knows how I’ll feel in the future ☺️