There We Are Then - part 2

[mummy917]

Follow on from previous

I think mediation is the only logical way forward to be honest. He still thinks he can do whatever he wants and has ignored me again when I told him 10am is the agreed time. I don’t believe his car was ever “broken”. If it was, he’d not be able to drive it anywhere, let alone keep using it for the best part of another week until he gets it sorted on Friday morning, another day he’d have to drop them back off “first thing” as it needs to be in the garage.

Well, only you can be the judge of what has really happened this time. I was more making a general point about distinguishing and responding to genuine emergencies vs overt twatishness!

@mummy917 has he asked to drop them off early this coming Friday too?

Yeah his car is in the garage “first thing” apparently so 8-8:30 he said. Friday will be my day so I kind of have to flexible when it covers something like his transport which he uses for the kids too. He may well be lying but I feel as though I can’t really do much about that one as it’s not the same principle as a haircut like the previous Friday.

I think he has a commitment where he wants to travel as early as possible in a Friday. What I don’t understand is why he agreed 10am. Surely he could have said the arrangement would be to return them at 7am if he keeps having commitments so he can’t return them at 10am?

@mummy917 if he insists it’s broken and needs looking at on Friday morning, rather than him dropping the kids off with you, say you have plans and won’t be home by 8am however as a gesture of goodwill you are happy to meet him at the garage at 8-8.30am on your way home and pick the kids up from there. That way he’ll have to either squirm his way out of it, or it’s genuine.

When garages want a car "first thing", they don't actually get on with looking at it immediately. So all he has to do is tell the garage he will bring it in just after 10am.
His problem OP, not yours. Anyway he could bring them in a taxi at the right time.

I can say without a shadow of doubt that he won’t pay for a taxi to bring them back and he will refuse for me to pick them up as it wouldn’t be 7am 🤦‍♀️

I may offer to just meet him at the garage and do the handover there, I’ll know from his reaction if he’s telling the truth.

And if that doesn’t work for him then he will just have to wait until you get back at 10am 😂😂

That’s definitely what I’d do, you are being ‘helpful’ but still making sure he’s not taking you for a ride. It must be frustrating for him separating from someone who’s always one step ahead of him and wise to his games 😂

This is an utterly brilliant idea.
Out of interest, why is it 10am drop off on a Friday as opposed to 6/7am on a Wednesday?

Is this "colleague" (that he has to change his parenting time to accommodate) a woman by any chance?

10am on a Friday as neither of us have work that day, there’s usually only my son to drop off at school unless it’s the school holidays which it is now and the other 3 don’t have nursery. On a Wednesday I start work at 7:20am and need to be there for 7 to get changed into my uniform, I have a 40 minute drive there from ex’s house and a 20 min drive from my house to ex’s, which is why we are out of the house so early on a Wednesday.

He referred to them as “him” but that thought has also crossed my mind too 🤣🙄

That's a great idea, say you have early plans (don't justify), but as a gesture of goodwill you will collect them from the garage on your way back home. If he's being genuine, there's no reason for him to disagree.

I reckon he's off to get a pre-holiday haircut for whatever it is he has planned for the week. You really need to stay firm on these 10am drop-offs, he cannot dictate what you do in your own time.

Wasn’t he angling for them coming back to you on a Thursday on the weeks of his free weekend before you agreed to the current arrangement? 100% he has a regular commitment out of town on his weekends, and it’s going to be one excuse after another regarding dropping them back early on Fridays. I suspect he’s only agreed to the Thursday night on his free weekend because he was concerned it would have tipped you over into the main parent and had financial implications for him. I think you’re going to need to have a regular commitment every Friday morning to stop this nonsense.

"Your day" starts at the agreed drop off time. Stay strong 💪🏼

Definitely arrange to meet at the garage, would love to hear his excuse 😂

Makes perfect sense but I am wondering if he is trying to push back.
This is a man who only does the time he absolutely HAS to with his children and not a minute more.
So is it possible that he thinks: ‘controlling mummy917 gets to dump the kids on me at 6am on a Wednesday whereas I have to tolerate these four children until 10 on Friday. That’s NOT FAIR (stamps foot) so I’ll just dump them back with her at 7am to make sure I get EVERY SECOND of my day off work to myself’.

I think even if he is telling the truth (which Im suspicious is unlikely given his form on other things) you still need say no. You have other appointments which cannot be changed etc.

He needs to tell the garage he can’t bring the car in until 10.30am or whenever. Or he can do the following day instead. The car isn’t undriveable so one extra day won’t make any difference.

i feel it’s really important for you, OP, to make a stand on things like this early on or you will struggle in the future. Last time it as wanting to drop them at 7am for a haircut. This time, a garage appointment. What’s it going to be next week? Rearranged tattoo session? Dentist? Delivery? He’s going to keep pushing the boundaries especially if you acquiesce.

This is your chance to help set the correct pattern - one where he sticks to what has been agreed.

Good advice. Your regular commitment means you getting home at 9.55 every Friday morning.

And he absolutely does not get to know what it is you’re doing

Tell him you are getting your hair cut 😉

Out of curiosity why not check his willingness to be flexible. Ask if he can have the children longer on the Friday after you get back from holiday (so the following week), you can say you need to cover a shift at work/get your car fixed/go to the dentist. Be interesting to see how readily he agrees. It’s fairly far in the future so be interesting to see if he already has plans which can’t be changed. It’s just he keeps saying he’d be flexible, so let him put his money where his mouth is.

On a Wednesday I start work at 7:20am and need to be there for 7 to get changed into my uniform, I have a 40 minute drive there from ex’s house and a 20 min drive from my house to ex’s, which is why we are out of the house so early on a Wednesday.

I know you have agreed on your access pattern, but is your Wednesday morning arrangement sustainable? That’s a LOT of very early running around with 4 children?