There We Are Then - part 2

[mummy917]

Follow on from previous

I’m not sure what else we can change it to? Any suggestions are welcome! My flexible working arrangement is agreed now and the week I have the kids for the weekend too, Wednesdays and Thursdays will be my 2 shifts to work, whereas the other week I can do anywhere from Wednesday to Sunday.

Would it actually make more sense if the children stayed at his on Tuesday night and yours on Thursday night? I know it’s giving him the Friday clear that he wanted but might be a lot easier on the children.

That’s what I was thinking too

My working days are Wednesday and Thursdays one week on my weekend with the kids and I don’t finish work until 8pm, sometimes later depending how work is.

All he needs to do is stick to his end of the agreement. He was brazen enough to say he wanted every other Friday “off” in the first place so he could have his long weekend, he needs to manage his time better.

He doesn’t stop being a dad when the children are not with him. This is parenting. He has to make adjustments because of his responsibilities.

None of this is your fault, the fact the children have to be up and out early on a Wednesday is completely on him, not you. If he hadn’t been a selfish man-child who couldn’t cope with family life they wouldn’t have to be going through this.

OP I hope you don't feel bad about the early Wednesday morning. My betting is the kids are up early doors anyway and it's only one morning a week. It's not the end of the world for them to be up and out early morning a week.

The Friday morning thing my bet is that every bloody Friday he's going to try and push boundaries and drop them off at the crack of dawn every time. Yes he is that petty. 🙄

He should work his other life arrangements AROUND the kids. Not the other way around. Personally I think this is another one of those Friday mornings where you need to hold the boundary or he will try it on every single week wanting to drop them off as early as possible when it could be a slower morning for the kids if he wasn't so keen to get them dropped off earlier than agreed in the plan. 🙄

I wasn’t trying to make the OP feel bad, I just thought it was a pretty challenging start to each Wednesday for them all

Hi Op you should not have to change the set up this was brought on by twattoo wanting his freedom your not fortunate enough to be at home 247 for your kids. Op please remember this is all his fault and he should be more accommodating considering it’s his choice to blow up the kids and your life for his own selfish needs. He needs to come to terms with he’s made his bed now he lies in it. He cannot keep moving the goalposts when he feels like it.

Stick to the times agreed, it's hard to believe the garage doesn't allow cars to book in at a later time (if he can be bothered to ask). As for wanting to know what you do before drop off, my reply would be 'that's a rather controlling question'.

I used to own a garage. We would usually ask customers to drop their cars in “first thing”, but if they asked to drop it a bit later we would always accommodate them.

So again he is 'telling you' he's dropping the kids early, not asking.

There we are then.

I think you should refuse the early drop off on Monday - his colleague needing a lift is nothing to do with you, and it does not constitute an emergency.
(Ditto Friday, but you've got a plan for that one).

He has to realise he can't arbitrarily commit YOUR time to allow him to do whatever he feels like.

As i said before, Wife Mode has been discontinued.

HE chose this, so it's tough shit if it's not working out the way he'd like it to.

I think another text is called for, along the lines of: 'I'm reminding you again that the collection/drop off times to which we both agreed need to be adhered to. It gives the kids much-needed structure at what is a turbulent time in their lives, and allows each of us to schedule appointments etc. Dropping the kids early on Monday does not work for me, so you will need to change your arrangement with your colleague.'

If he asks why, reply that all he needs to know is that it doesn't work for you.

💪

@mummy917

I do think this, OP, sorry.

He is choosing that arrangement. Did he mean HE was getting a lift? That would make more sense if car is broken? Otherwise, he REALLY is a shit liar!! 😂

And again, it wasn’t a negotiation with you, he’s trying to dictate. You may have to be out again until 10am…. He’s a slow learner isn’t he?! 😂

@mummy917 I just wanted to offer a bit of empathy if you're reading all these posts with a sinking feeling in your stomach. I have always, always, been someone that wants to fix things for other people. I would find it really hard to stand my ground in this situation. I'd be thinking 'I don't need to be out early', 'It would be helpful to agree....', etc. I'm not going to add to the 'stand your ground' comments, but I will say that if not now, you'll have to do it at some point if you want to have any sort of autonomy. I think it must be the worst of all worlds to have none of the benefits of marriage and yet all of the trappings.

i think what we are seeing here is the precursor to the extinction burst.

In the past his abuse of the OP has always led to him getting what he wants. He demands and she caves. But now it isnt working and he isnt seeing that she has no reason to cave any more, because he left her. In the past she did it to keep a happy (ish) home for the kids but now there is nothing forcing her hand.

So he demands again, in a louder voice. Still no. And so on, which is why holding the line is so important. Giving in out of exhaustion or guilt simply shows him that if he goes on long enough, he will get what he wants. What @mummy917 is dealing with is basically a toddler who wants ice cream before dinner.

I suspect it will culminate in him totally losing it, calling her a selfish fucking bitch because she wont do anything for him. A proper full on tantrum.

He'll probably also try the 'I would do it for you' ploy.

To which the response should be:
'Hmm, would you really though? I haven't forgotten about the kids' mattresses that you refused to reimburse me for...' .

He’ll be using his car all week. There’s no way he NEEDS to have it at the garage at 8. I wouldn’t buy this.

I told him last night I have to go into work first thing on Friday morning for a few hours (it’s to pick up and try on a a smaller uniform; the modern matron called me at about 6pm last night and said it would be ready then for me to try on, so it’s not a lie), but I didn’t tell him the reason I needed to go in. He was absolutely awful and said I’d purposely arranged it knowing he had his car booked in and me going into work wasn’t as important blah blah blah. I said there we are then, it’s tough, see you at 10am. His exact reply was “you’re a f’ing useless bitch”. Great, I’m pleased I am 👍

Oh how I will pay for this one!

Is this on text?

He purposely arranged to take his car into the garage at a time that he had the children. He thought he could make you step in. Again. He is going to have to learn to be a parent.

You are simply living your life, making plans when you don't have the children as is your absolute right.

It makes no difference what you do or say, OP, I think you were always going to be made to 'pay' in the eyes of your STBEX because you and the kids exist, it really is that basic. He's horrible.

This. You don’t have to justify your last-minute work uniform appointment changes during YOUR non-contact time. Imagine how “controlling” he would say you are if you did the same. Ignore, and make sure you’re out until 10am. Again. Sigh.

It is literally NONE OF HIS BUSINESS where you are on a Friday morning until 10am. He left you. I repeat, he has left the mother of his children. I luckily have no experience of dealing with this level of twattery, but after the verbal abuse (which I sincerely hope is recorded on text) it seems like mediation must be on the horizon now.