That's precisely how abusers get away with it. Most women aren't stupid enough to stay in a relationship with someone who is 100% abusive. It's because he can be lovely, thoughtful, make you laugh etc that fools you into thinking it's not really abuse when he shows the other parts of himself. It looks and feels like an aberration – not an unveiling of their true character. It’s not that you can’t ‘spot’ abuse, it’s that it seems unusual, a one-off, something not worth making a mountain out of a molehill. At least at the start. And if it isn't called abuse - what is it? Maybe it’s a rough patch? All relationships have their ups and downs, don’t they? You have to work at relationships – it won’t always be plain sailing. Marriage isn’t always a bed of roses. [insert clichéd relationship advice of your choosing].
And maybe there are some external / situational factors putting a strain on the relationship – debt, a new baby, unemployment, etc etc – which make you think that this is the problem. And oftentimes someone might resist naming their experience as abuse because once you apply that label, it comes with a whole heap of other stuff. How can you stay and live with yourself? Didn’t you always believe you were the type of person who wouldn’t put up with that? What kind of example are you setting your children? And the thought of taking action – divorce, moving home, moving schools, starting all over again from scratch can be overwhelming.
How much easier is it to hope that what you are living with isn’t called abuse, it’s called stress or lack of sleep or ‘all couples argue’. And deep down is the fear that the horrible things that the abuser says about you might be true. That it is your fault. That you are difficult to live with. That you are controlling. That no-one else would ever want you.
And don't even get me started on cultural gaslighting! (See here for an example: T