There We Are Then - part 2

[mummy917]

Follow on from previous

Hi @mummy917 .

Re trying to get CMS out of him - i think it can be automatically taken from his salary if he won't pay it voluntarily? But that wouldn't be possible if he's self-employed.

What can he possibly say ? Its the truth and it’s exactly what he says.

' Please do not contact me in the middle of the night unless it is an emergency and you are waiting for an ambulance and you need me to meet you at the hospital '

He’s not self employed so maybe they would just take it straight from his salary? However I dread to think how nasty he would potentially become if I went down that route.

OP, if you did end up going down the CSA route, has he got the sort of job where it could be deducted directly from his salary?

He’s being nasty anyway! And if he does it more, keep doing what you’re doing…… grey rock! It will be come easier as time goes on I promise!

And that money is for your children, so if the time comes please don’t feel guilty claiming for what is rightly theirs. Even if you just put it all in a savings account for their future.

Blimey he’s a knob , why would he expect to get a full night sleep every night with 3 small children .

He is a bullying, nasty piece of shit already so what difference would it make if you found your strength and stood up to him?

Yes, they garnish his wages. I saw it a lot when I ran payroll. That day may come if he relinquishes 50-50. Just something to keep at the back of your mind.

No. OP should avoid chatty interactions like this, it would just encourage him to keep doing it. OP isbeing amazngly strong and clear-headed.

@mummy917, I agree with PP’s saying Grey rock! As tempting as it would be to respond with sharp snappy comebacks, he is a nasty bully. Poking the bear will hurt you more than him. Any attempt to outsmart him will not work even though you are absolutely right. He will not hesitate to say the nastiest most hurtful thing to you knowing it will cut you like a knife and he will feel no shame about that. Like the slowly boiled frog, he has conditioned you to accept this shouting, name calling and tantruming in order to get you to back down so that he can live his best life. You have shrunk yourself to keep the peace. You no longer have to do that and I’m glad to see you are coming out from behind his shadow and growing again . Don’t give him any opportunity to stick a knife in you. Just Keep going, grey rock. Grey rock. Grey rock.

Definitely. Grey rock is the only way to protect myself I feel. I learnt again yesterday that when I say anything at all to defend myself, he just says something awful to me so I’m wasting my time, energy and end up feeling like rubbish again.

If he shouts at you, just say “we’re not together anymore so I do not have to accept your abuse anymore” and then put the phone down.

Look up DARVO and it will explain a lot

To be honest, I think you'll be very proud of yourself down the line if you grey rock that twat, OP. When me and my DT (darling twat) were divorcing he sometimes tried to throw in a nasty comment to provoke me. I just ignored him, I'm not sure why, probably force of habit to avoid an argument. Anyway, I am sooo glad I ignored, now. Why give the twat the satisfaction?

Poor diddums was up for one hour in the night! I suspect you did most if not all night wakings with all your children prior to the split

I breastfed them all so did every night wake up and on the odd occasion I asked him to change one twin if I was still feeding the other.

I hope one day soon I get to that stage so it becomes the norm to not care what he thinks or says about me.

You will look back and wonder what you ever saw in him x

If I were his mum, I’d be thoroughly ashamed of him. What a weasel she’s raised.

@mummy917 have you been told by either him or his Mum how the girls are this morning?

@Freeyourmind He thought 50/50 would be 50% of what he used to do, not 50% of everything.

Absolutely this. It's also interesting how he chose to message OP in the night and not his own mother.

Just catching up on this OP and you have had a rough few days.

I think sticking to each parent's times even when they are ill should be the general rule. They won't come to any harm with him, and he needs to experience the reality of 50/50. Please don't automatically jump in offering childcare to a poorly child while you should be at work either. There is NO WAY he'd do the same. If he refuses to have them or sort childcare on his days when they're ill and you're meant to be at work that is different to you offering.

In a way I'm glad his mum heard you upset, and was kind to you on the phone. I'd still bear in mind she is his mum and will always side with him, but she is also a mum, and will understand how you're feeling in moments like this and have more empathy than him.

I'm sure they will bounce back.

I'm curious what he went to tesco to stock up on if it wasn't calpol and nurofen. What an idiot.

And yes, I am glad you have reached a stage of no more conversations that could be texts.

Sorry, new to this thread so I might be suggesting things people have already suggested. Firstly, I highly recommend following jess runs for survivors on insta, she’s very insightful about dickhead ex’s. Secondly you must start keeping a diary for all his bullshit. Just add a short sentence - eg the date then criticised me for having plans during his parenting time, despite me offering to have the children. Calpol provided as he had none. It will be very useful if this goes to court.

Keep yer Chin up OP.
I still think his Mum must be seeing a new side to him and getting a more close up view of his twattery and selfishness, and I agree with @TheScreen that its nice she was kind to you on the phone, but is still his mum but she is also a grandmother.

* He thought 50/50 would be 50% of what he used to do, not 50% of everything.*

Yes, how true. And 50% of his previously minimal contribution would be hardly anything at all !