There We Are Then - part 2

[mummy917]

Follow on from previous

Do you think he was fishing for you to either come over and help or come and collect them? I’m assuming you’d had a couple of rubbish nights too previously as both girls are ill.

Unfortunately this is what he signed up for when he decided he wanted to split and wanted 50:50.

Who knows what he thought, I didn’t respond to find out.

My nights for the last 2 before they went to his, were spent changing beds, bathing a covered 2 year old and sitting rocking her while she was unsettled. He probably feels like I’ve one upped him because I got to sleep all night and he didn’t 🙄

Oh I imagine he’s fuming.

Also as a side note I doubt he even has a change of sheets/duvet covers etc for if they need changing 😬

I'd be inclined to send a quick "Still rough then, poor little scrap? I hope she feels better soon."

I e. Pretend he got in touch out of concern for her and not a whinge about himself.

I think you should document that he said he would drop everything for the kids if they were sick BUT he hasn’t. Also, I know you shouldn’t, but it must be so tempting to say something about how much you’re enjoying getting enough sleep for the first time since the kids were born.

Well you did offer to keep the poorly ones with you and he refused. No doubt that is your fault too. He is really showing his true colours isn’t he.

No experience with divorce but I think you perhaps need to have a word to your solicitor about his verbal abuse and also about him contacting you in the middle of the night to whine about parenting his own kids - IIRC it isn't the first time he's contacted you for no good reason. I don't know what can be done - whether a parenting app can be forced on him or something put in place so that he doesn't contact you for trivial reasons or all contact goes through a 3rd party (perhaps his mum).

You're right not to reply unless it is something that needs a reply. He's trying to get attention. He does seem to either think you're his mum or that you're his friend.

I hope you're sensible enough to have Do not Disturb schedules set up on your phone so that any calls or texts at night don't wake you.

I really think he’s regressed to being an angry teenager, who is basically getting everything he’s asked for but now cross because it hasn’t worked out how he imagined.

I doubt he’d even given it one seconds thought as to how he’d cope if the children were ill as I doubt he’s ever had to really deal with it before.

I think this is a good example of who he is and a note to not take personally anything that comes out of his mouth as he has no consistency or shame it seems. To message you seemingly looking for sympathy for a situation he created all on his own, is pathetic. So yesterday morning you were beyond contempt with him and 18 hours later you're best friends who help each other through the night!

In his defence (and I am being sarcastic) he had no idea what he was signing up to with parenting. He thought 50/50 would be 50% of what he used to do, not 50% of everything. How the tables have turned in just 24 hrs.

Ignore, ignore, ignore.

Well done for not responding to his whining. It's early days, OP, his parenting may improve over time and they won't always be this small. I doubt he will ever see you as anyone but the woman who tried to ruin his life by telling him what to do but you never know.

I have woken up to a message off him in the middle of the night, complaining that he’d been up for over an hour. Well the kids are poorly, comfort them? Do what needs to be done? It’s shitty behaviour such as that, that makes me worry because why is he texting me complaining about it instead of just dealing with it and making sure they’re okay?

Ultimately don’t you think he is texting in the middle of the night complaining because he believes it is your role to care for them, not his?

Even though he projects incompetence he will care for them, from what you’ve said he isn’t mean to children. However he either (1) feels you should know they’re unwell still or (2) it’s that weaponised incompetence thing, used as a manipulation tactic by acting inept to avoid a task, shifting the burden onto you and making you worry.

The irrational dilemma is really he prefers that traditional division with you being the majority carer, then his manly role, even when separated, is as the breadwinner/ provider for the DC. But he doesn’t want that role either as he can’t afford a potty for them.

I know he suggest doing 50:50 to circumvent maintenance. What is your true position given your return to work. Would you prefer to have them more often if he provides child maintenance?

Tbh, I’d deliberately misunderstand and message back, ‘Oh no: are the girls not feeling any better, poor mites. Let’s hope the boys stay well. Let me know how they’re doing today, if you get the chance/don’t mind.’

If he’s got any shame (he hasn’t), he’ll realise that he’s making about himself, not his sick kids, plus it lets the record show that for you, it’s about the kids (which it is) and, as he’s messaged you it’s perfectly reasonable to respond with a casual enquiry about your kids’ well-being, which you’ve presumably been wanting to do but have been wary of for fear of triggering unreasonable accusations of being controlling/interfering (which you’ll probably still get, but who cares what he thinks).

If he’d wanted help with the kids in the middle of the night, he shouldn’t have broken up his marriage. The new reality is of his own making

He makes me so angry. "I would just hand over the stuff they needed to you without complaint" - what imaginary stuff of his is this then, because he seems to only have in stock the stuff you give him and doesn't think ahead to what the kids need.

Also, the blasé attitude he has to his mother having to care for two kids with a sick bug makes me cross. His mother will very likely catch the sick bug and he doesn't seem to care. She's a woman so I guess its fine.

It’s not his fault… you do realise @mummy917 deliberately made the children sick so that he’d have to suffer 😉🙄

I think he was pissed off to be woken up and having to deal with sick kids in the middle of the night (because his mum, of course, wasn't there to do it). He messaged you because he thought you ought to be awake if he had to be.

If he's really being cruel, he might have hoped you'd stay awake , upset that you couldn't be there to comfort your poorly kids.

He really is totally selfish, and seems obsessed with you not having it easier than him.

Did it occur to you to message HIM when you were up in the night with the children?
Of course it didn't, because you are a reasonable person and you understand its just what happens sometimes.
He doesn't get it, because when you were together, you dealt with it all.
But he chose this, he wants 50:50 so let him get on with it.

Make sure you screenshot that message from him - i know you were doing that at o e point. I'd keep all of them...

I'd probably reply with
'Why are you texting me in the middle of the night to complain about looking after your own children? I offered to keep them with me, which you declined. This is what 50/50 means. While we're on the subject, please don't forget to replace the calpol etc that I gave you and in future, please ensure that you have what the children need at your house. I cannot continue to prop you up, while you spend all your disposable income on tattooes,' This is what I'd send if my endgame was to have the children more and go down the CSA route.

Im not very good at grey rock.

I do agree that not replying will infuriate him - no response is a response.

@mummy917 you could always use his classic line of ‘Oh sorry, I’ve only just seen your message’ 😂

I’ve screenshotted all the messages like those. My phone goes into do not disturb mode at 9pm however I’ve got a few contacts set to still come through incase there are emergencies, he’s one of them as he has the kids half the time, but my phone was on vibrate and it didn’t wake me up as the text vibrate is subtle.

I didn’t send him a single message when the kids were up through the night, I didn’t need or want to. I was more focused on sorting them out. Yes his mum unfortunately will probably get this sickness bug too which is unfair, however he didn’t give me or her any other option.

He will have dealt with them during the night, he had no other choice but I do think he’ll have been cursing me in his head knowing I’d be asleep.

I don’t know how I’d get him to agree to a parenting app, he hasn’t so far and I doubt it is something that could be forced on him to do.

This is the reality of 50/50 and I really think he is foolish if he didn’t quite grasp what it would look like. I don’t feel as though my life has really changed, other than I do get some time for myself now which is nice and I’m slowly learning to enjoy my own company again.

I would much rather have the kids with me more than 50% of the time, yes. But for my own selfish reasons because they’re my favourite people to be with. The rational part of my brain knows that’s selfish of me and they deserve the same amount of time with their dad too. I think if I did have them majority of the time, it would still be a huge uphill battle to get a penny out of him in child maintenance.

Maybe point out to him that if he hadn't behaved like such a shit and gone off with the OW, he and the dc would be at home and you'd be dealing with it all. So he has only himself to blame that he has to look after his own children.

Those are just some examples of the things I’d love to say to him and hit him with some home truths, however the reaction it would provoke just wouldn’t be worth it.

Grey rocking seems to be the only way to deal with him.

I did think about this but it would’ve definitely provoked a big reaction and I just can’t be bothered to deal with him more than I have to already.

It does sound like grey rock is the only way. And sadly don’t even mention your plans like having coffee. He just seems determined to use everything and anything as ammunition against you, so avoid sharing anything that is not relevant to practicalities around the kids.

When you are feeling up to it, I do think you would benefit from some help in learning how not to be so afraid of his responses. He's conditioned you to avoid conflict and to manage his moods - I think some personal therapy might help you to see that he has no power over you, that his opinions are of no consequence and that he is owed nothing by you. You are allowed to bite back (if you want to) when he is being an arsehole! More than he usually is, anyway.

"He thought 50/50 would be 50% of what he used to do, not 50% of everything"

Good point.