There We Are Then - part 2

[mummy917]

Follow on from previous

Yes, Yes. He doesn’t want you but he still wants to know what you are doing.
Divulge nothing, you can even invent stuff to get him & his ego jealous.
just make sure the kids dont grass you up !

I’m honestly expecting that I will spend a few days struck down with it to be honest, considering how many clothes and bed changes I’ve done, as well as needing to strip a car seat on the nursery run yesterday to pick up the other 2. Handwashing handwashing handwashing in the hope I don’t catch it 🤞

I don’t understand why I feel the need to have to tell him what my plans are. It’s as if I feel they need to be justified because I don’t have the kids. Which sounds daft when I see it written down.

Yeah - it's not as if he tells you what he's doing (unless you have to rearrange your life for his haircuts and tattoos) - not the real stuff anyway - so why does he feel he has the right to know your business. The "why do you ask" question is a good idea!

He caused this.
He got what he wanted.
He doesn’t get to shout at you anymore.
He needs to see your back as you walk away.
He needs to hear the click of the phone being put down on him.

@mummy917 have you had any updates as to how the children are doing?

I agree with the message to say keep to text messages as it’s unacceptable that he shout at you etc. If he calls and shouts again, put the one down and send a text to confirm you won’t be shouted at. All this is evidence as to his unreasonable behaviour.

Poor man. He doesn’t realise he’s going to be seriously outplayed.

Oh OP, I really feel for you today. It's so tough when your kids are unwell and you just want to be there for them. I sincerely hope you don't come down with it yourself and that you've been able to enjoy your time off without any mum guilt. The way your ex speaks to you is appalling and I hope you are able to unpick that properly with time. I completely understand why you've been picking up his slack and to be honest, I would do it too, not to keep the peace, but to make sure the kids are okay. But I do think some of the advice on here about letting go of it and letting him make his own mistakes are really valid, but just easier said than done. You are doing amazing though, never forget that.

He is emotionally immature. I've been wondering if it's because his mum was so young when she had him? She was just a kid herself and it must have been really difficult to parent at such a young age. How was his own childhood OP?

Because for many years in a relationship, thats what you do. "I am out of Friday morning" "Where are going?" "Seeing Jane for a coffee". Its what you do, its normal.

So you are conditioned to answer that question from him.

He's an arsehole for exposing his Mum to this. I'm a grandmother to 4, and I'd do anything in the world for them but that's the one illness that I refuse to be around! He should have left them with you because she's likely to get it and then him.

It’s because you’re a normal human being. But you’re dealing with a selfish, self-justifying dickhead who will use any excuse to make himself look better and/or feel less guilty. (We men can too often be like that, the challenge is for us to realise when we are doing it, and check ourselves, and try to do better, rather than just actively hoping for and welcoming the next chance to be a dickhead.)

Our 4 year old has been sick once more since this morning he said, and girl twin has been tired but no more sickness. I’m hoping it misses the boys and my ex mother in law too.

@bignosebignose when this all started, I told him he also needed to take some accountability for how he has behaved during our relationship and as usual it was just completely shot down as though I was being unreasonable and talking rubbish. Same old same old.

I would highly recommend using an app for all communication from now on, otherwise he will continue to use your contact as an opportunity to abuse you further.

You also might find this wheel helpful in recognising any further abuse.
www.theduluthmodel.org/wp-content/uploads/2017/03/Using-Children-Wheel.pdf

I’m so pleased the girls seem to be doing better, I hope it skips the boys too, although I’d love your ex to come down with it (unfortunately he seems to be the person who’s been around it the least!).

I’m assuming your Ex has a very large ego, so of course he’s never wrong and everything is always everyone else’s fault. I’m assuming that’s his motto with life generally, not just you.

@mummy917 it doesn't matter what you do, when you do it, or how you do it - you will not be given approval or credit by your ex DH at this time. It's possible that when there's plenty of water under the bridge that will change, but now? No. Not a chance.

Your best route out of suffering is to make peace with the fact that he is not a source of support and you are not defined by him, then surround yourself with people who see you for who you are.

This domineering loud-mouthed bully who’s absolutely determined to make you a shadow of yourself is luckily becoming an increasingly smaller part of your horizon mummy917.

Your feelings do matter. Your opinion is valid. You’re a lovely person who has many friends and loving, supportive parents. He’s an abrasive prat who had no friends to help him move and has a not very close relationship with his mother. The contrast is glaring.

When your children are in school and in nursery your thoughts move on to what you’re doing with your day as you trust the adults involved. You don’t provide either of those institutions with what your children need because you believe it will be in place. If it isn’t, it’s their responsibility, not yours. You know if a child is too ill to be there you’ll get a phone call. Perhaps the same approach could help you when it’s his/his mother’s time. Try to switch off for your own health.

Resolve not to phone him.

If he phones, you could tell him it’s a bad line/
it’s breaking up/deliberately mishear him/make him repeat himself. Make it so frustrating he’ll WhatsApp instead.
Written records, OP.
Evidence he’s a contradictory hypocrite, a manipulator.
Back of the net.

The more you talk about him the more unpleasant he sounds. He doesn’t sound like was particularly nice even during your marriage and he sounds really childish. I’m wondering what you actually found attractive about him (other than physically or superficially obvs… attraction to looks never lasts long)

Naturally, it’s his achievement when things go well for him and your fault when anything doesn’t go his way (probably including potholes in the road). He gaslights you as naturally as breathing and as pp said, immediately the conversation starts he’s swearing that up is down. It really isn’t possible to win against one of these, unless you disengage and use his own language or tactics against him- not the nastiness, but never share any information and just keep on grey rocking. The 👍 is great as a response to texts.

wishing the kids well and hoping you miss the bug!

My sister was the same age, was a brilliant young g mum and my nephew is a well rounded adult in his 30s who wouldn’t dare talk to those he loved like that. @mummy917 ex is just a controlling dick. And probably always has been while twisting it around on the op she she feels like it’s her.

His childhood was a bit up and down as his mum was married twice and both ended badly. She went through a lot and put up with a lot from both husbands.

When we met he was funny, I found him attractive and we just clicked and got on so so well. Conversation was always easy and I felt safe with him.

He wasn’t always like this during disagreements, it’s been more since we had children and especially since the twins came along.

After the way he spoke to me yesterday, something in me changed and I don’t know why or what is was specifically about that particular instance. I was upset yesterday after the way he made me feel, however he should also have to deal with the kids during the rough times too such as sickness bugs. He never did it while we were married, but this was his decision and is a consequence of said decision I suppose you could say.

I have woken up to a message off him in the middle of the night, complaining that he’d been up for over an hour. Well the kids are poorly, comfort them? Do what needs to be done? It’s shitty behaviour such as that, that makes me worry because why is he texting me complaining about it instead of just dealing with it and making sure they’re okay?

I hope you didn't reply. Grey rock.

The absolute cheek of him to speak to you like shit and then still expect to be able to text you in the middle of the night. What does he want - emotional support, solidarity, a medal? He isn't entitled to anything from you anymore, and it's pathetic that he's complaining about being up instead of reflecting how he's probably never had to do it in his life and how hard you have worked to be a good mother.

You are a strong women to hold your tongue, OP, it must be so tempting to get into arguments with someone who behaves like this, but as PPs say it's ultimately pointless.

You can't win, can you? Please don't reply to moaning Martin. Ignore it all.

I haven’t replied, his message didn’t need a response. I would love to say to him what I actually think of him, but yep it’s definitely a pointless exercise.