The Dating Thread 61 - High Summer High Jinks 🍾🥂

[Nosdacariad]

The Rules:
-The first rule about the dating thread is don't talk about it with people you're dating
-Develop a thick skin
-Do not invest emotionally too soon
-It’s all BS until it actually happens
-Trust your gut instinct
-People vanishing, lying & being generally weird is not your fault
-Know your worth
-If it's not fun, stop
-Loo update is mandatory
-No dating the thread
-Treat others as you'd like to be treated
-Any relationship you have that could get ruined by having a conversation about your feelings, standards and/or expectations wasn't really stable enough to begin with
-The things you choose to ignore/ tolerate now are the reasons you will break up in the future
If you're wondering if you're being too picky/should give another chance after the second chance/should try harder - the answer is invariably NO! You're not and you shouldn't. If this, now, is as good as it's going to get, the A game, then do you want what comes next?!
-OLD can get very time consuming. Keep doing other activities you enjoy Optional: Please give your irons (potential dates you are talking to) nicknames like Mr Scottish. Initials are allowed (Mr S) when you are an item*

My advice is worth very little, judging from the disaster that is my past and present love life! 🤣 But to me it seems it's good to keep swiping, and keep up the chats, until youget to the stage of knowing you want to pursue something exclusive with a guy - and it doesn't sound like you and Teacake are anywhere near that! Well, Teacake might be, but......

I tend to find that, if I have a spare iron or two in the background, I mind less when the inevitable happens and my primary iron either ghosts me or turns out to entirely different from how I was imagining him! It reduces that crushing feeling of having put all my eggs into one inadequate basket.....

I'd also be perfectly happy if my date was still chatting to others (obviously, otherwise I would be a rampant hypocrite!). In fact, I assume they are unless they explicitly say otherwise. And in fact, I prefer it if they are - feels a lot less pressuring.

Obviously it's completely about personal preference - there is no one right way to date, I don't think. X

@Ilovelurchers I'm not sure your love life is as much of a disaster as that, you have your FWB.

Love to all those busy with results day 💙💙💙

You always give great advice, as does everyone on this thread!

Funny you should say, Teacake did actually tell me in a message that he’s not messaging anyone else, as “he wouldn’t do that”. This was offered up by him unprompted and in amongst other topics. Thank goodness because I actually just ignored it.

I didn’t have any other irons at the time but I didn’t comment on it at all. I then felt quite guilty when I decided to start swiping again, and I still do to an extent. Which is ridiculous because I don’t owe him anything at this stage.

He started work at silly o’clock this morning and I woke up to a good morning message sent at 4am. I’m starting to feel a little stifled……

Gemini has offered some "hankerchief drops" for those in the wild

• Ask for quick, low-stakes advice in a shared setting like a wine shop, bookstore, or cafe (e.g., "Have you tried this blend before? I'm trying to decide between the two").
• Offer a polite, unassuming compliment on something specific they chose or are wearing (e.g., "Excuse me, but that coat is fantastic—where did you find it?").
• Hold eye contact for a full second longer than usual, offer a warm smile, and acknowledge them before looking away.
• Make a light, authentic comment about something happening in your immediate shared environment.
• Position yourself nearby at a bar, coffee counter, or event and intentionally put your phone face down or in your bag.

I think we know most of these?

Are you feeling stifled because he's just not right for you? I wonder if things add up until we go ugh. No.

I think he’s just becoming quite full on very quickly. He’s lovely in a lot of ways but he’s also too much. I want to just go with the flow and take things slowly, and enjoy getting to know someone. He’d sent a message a few days ago asking if he could phone me but I was actually busy at the time. He then messaged me saying that he wanted me to “know some stuff about him that I didn’t know before” and then said he’d been cheated on before and how it had made him feel. He went to great pains to explain he’d never ever cheat on anyone etc etc. Admirable but just way too much. We’ve been on one date and messaging for around 2.5 weeks. It’s a lot.

How many were holding hands? When i’ve eaten in restaurants alone I’ve often been on my phone. I’ve looked around the room and seen most couples are doing exactly the same thing I’ve noticed alot of older marriages look dead now. I’d rather be dating and having fun TBH. and if the right one falls into my lap great.

This is very very anxious behaviour at best.

One date!!!

I feel the same when I see that - it's the cheesiest things get me - last night it was a couple who said "shall we head home now Mr Brown?" "Yes let's Mrs Brown".

So cheesy and I'd never do it and also super cute!

I LOATHE someone being on their phone in a 1:1. It's SOOO rude, unless fleetingly.

My ex never held my hand. Never walked into the kitchen and grabbed my arse or full on kissed me. I never really knew what I was missing. All 3 of my ‘whatever’s’ since marriage have been full on physically affectionate and complimentary. It’s what’s drawn me to them. You’re Mr Brown is there somewhere x

Thank you @duckingclueless 💙

I think it was a little manipulative of Teacake the phrase it like that - there would be nothing wrong with him talking to others at this point. If I am in the early stages of dating someone I actively prefer them to keep their options open on fact, until we both decide it's an exclusive thing.

Don't let him lay any guilt on you - he doesn't get to call the shits and dictate the terms. He may not be doing this intentionally, but in a way that doesn't matter anyway. He's made a sort of assumption that he had no right to make in my view.

Again (and I know I am being cynical here - I am terrible for this!) it feels a little manipulative perhaps? Almost like he is establishing himself as vulnerable, so that you become the bad guy if, even accidentally, you do something which triggers these existing emotional wounds he is carrying ....

Most of us have been cheated on at one time or another. Most of us didn't like it. It's not something that requires a special announcement, I don't think...... (But maybe I am being a cow).

And everyone says they will never cheat. Including cheats - they often say it loudest and clearest in my bitter experience! 😱🤣

Do you know, I have had such a lovely time over the last few weeks, that I have started to question whether my life would actually be improved if I found an exclusive relationship. Here are the things I feel I would lose (feel free to skip this as it's a bit long and self indulgent):

A) best sex of my life and connection with FWB1, who would not be to everyone's tastes but to me is just a big, Heavenly chunk of man!
B) great connection, romance and sparks with FWB2.
C) closeness and fun of some of my platonic male friendships. The friend I went to the event with this week for example. He and his wife have this amazing trust between them, to the extent that he has even gone away overnight camping with other female friends, she does the same, they are just totally cool with it. But that's kinda rare - experience tells me my friendships with guys will need to cool a bit when I meet someone serious - at least in terms of amount of time spent one on one. I don't want to be a hypocrite, and I wouldn't want my boyfriend camping alone with another woman I don't think!
D) closeness and doing stuff (platonic) with DD's dad. Same as C, we will always have a connection because of DD, but he and his mom are coming on our family holiday this year! (Which will be wonderful for DD - my mom is going too, and my brother). But if I had a boyfriend, I doubt I would have even suggested it to be honest.
E) general freedom. To socialise with who I want, when I want, stay out for a other drink if I want to, not have to think about anybody else's feelings or if someone is waiting for me at home. Do what I like with my appearance (just got some more piercings done). All those kinds of things that a partner might expect to have an opinion on ....
F) more time to spend on my daughter and my mom. All my holidays this summer are with them - if I had a fella I would have to devote time and money to a holiday with him. If I have any money left over I would actually quite like to go away on my own.
G) excitement and potential. Like the singles event I am going to on Saturday night - when you are single, every time you go out there is that possibility that you might meet the love of your life - it just coats everything with a sparkly layer of excitement, somehow.

And, against all these, what do I have?

Basically, the desire to be loved and cherished as someone's one and only.

And yet I think that still wins out for me! I have a date on Sunday - I will call him Mr Cricket. Even though there are all these benefits to single life, part of me is still hoping against hope that he will proved to be the elusive One.....

@empirebiscuits12 💯to what @Ilovelurchers says about the Teacake.

@Ilovelurchers it's lovely the way you talk about being single and a good reminder that being part of a couple comes with compromises.

Hope Mr Cricket goes into bat for you 😁

That does sound extemely full on, I would feel the same way. Do you think it would be worth having a chat with him to explain you want to move more slowly and perhaps spell out what that means?

So many of your posts I end up wondering if you are me 😆

I’m very much in the same boat. When I split with my ex 18 months ago it felt like it left a huge gap. But now I don’t even know how I’d have time for a relationship even if I found someone.

This has been exacerbated by me recently downsizing from the house I’d bought with ex (and having to have a lodger to pay the mortgage before k sold it) to now having my own house and space. I’m genuinely loving being able to please myself and not have to think about anyone else for the first time as an adult.

Mr Charismatic is still in the picture but plays a background role. I rarely hear from him during the week as we are both busy with work. But he’s often available for fun dinners out at the weekend which is perfect. We’ve been having fun the last few weeks exploring the local dining scene in our new area.

The thought of OLD at the moment still fills me with exhaustion.

@IlovelurchersForgpt to add - good luck for your date with Mr Cricket!

@empirebiscuits12 I agree with this. And combined with him letting you know he's not talking to anyone else it makes me wonder if this is his way of trying to tell you that if you are then he'll be upset at your "cheating" ?

I went on a date last night & the night before he messaged to say he'd tell me about his split with his ex wife... I told him no need thank you. I don't need to know that on a first date & I also don't want to feel I have to reciprocate by talking about my split as it's been bloody horrible & is depressing lol.
He was also an avid texter- I knew what he was doing every minute of his day, way too much...

I think if I was actually into someone I wouldn't mind so much.. Mr Smile always text me day & night, & called me most days & I loved it but I really liked him 🤷‍♀️

I feel the same really. I have had the best summer with friends & family with the odd date snuck in. But I also want someone of my own to have fun with. Perhaps the FWB is the way to go but I just think I'd develop feelings & get jealous haha.

Yes, I don't know why they seem to think it's essential to tell us the details of their marital breakdown. So many of them do this - I am honestly just not interested at that point - in fact I actively prefer not to know! Especially when it comes with a hefty serving of "I was blameless in the face of the psychotic cow...." which seems to happen in 95 of cases.

If a guy was able to healthily reflect on his breakup and admit that there was fault on both sides and that he had learnt from it - now that would be a massive turn on! (Though even then, I am not sure it's appropriate 1st date material......)

Need some advice on Mr 2nd Time.

(In case anyone missed it - had a date a week and a half ago - went OK apart from a weird kiss at the end in which he grabbed my face quite hard - not as scary as it sounds but awkward and unpleasant).

So I was unsure anyway, and he text very infrequently, no mention of a second date, so I thought we were both doing a polite slow fade, which I was up for.....

Then a couple of nights ago, he suddenly mentioned a date, and when I floated mini golf (something I love) I tentatively agreed to it, for this Saturday morning.

He has now said he doesn't want to play minigolf but wants me to pick what we do. I have picked, minigolf!

Do I just have to keep saying different activities till he finds one he doesn't hate?

He said he can't ever be asked to choose date activities because of his ADHD (which I did know about) - executive dysfunction. I have friends with ADHD as most of us do and am somewhat used to this - it doesn't necessarily bother me being the person who makes all the decisions in a social context with friends - but I am really not feeling it now - not for a second date I wasn't particularly keen on attending anyway!

If I decide just to leave the whole thing, shall I explain that having to choose all dates going forwards is not for me? Or (given his ADHD) would that be unkind, and shall I invent the usual mysterious 'family problems" which keep popping up put of nowhere and preventing me going on every single date I have ever been offered? 🤣

Hmm if you're not that keen anyway and now you're not even going to be doing the activity you enjoy and picked I'd probably sack it off.

I'm a wimp so I'd probably have a family emergency lol

That should say "every single SECOND date I am offered" - I am brilliant at attending first dates. I'd attend a first date with Satan himself.....

Second dates - entirely different story.......

Oh God are you dating planes?

I would not be dealing with this. People with diagnosed neurodiversity don't generally use it as an excuse, they tend to have strategies to still function in the world and avoid having a negative impact on others.

I would let this one slide gently binwards - do you want to be someone's PA which is where this ends? x

Eta has Satan offered?!

And NO! You are not being mean 😘