The Dating Thread 61 - High Summer High Jinks 🍾🥂

[Nosdacariad]

The Rules:
-The first rule about the dating thread is don't talk about it with people you're dating
-Develop a thick skin
-Do not invest emotionally too soon
-It’s all BS until it actually happens
-Trust your gut instinct
-People vanishing, lying & being generally weird is not your fault
-Know your worth
-If it's not fun, stop
-Loo update is mandatory
-No dating the thread
-Treat others as you'd like to be treated
-Any relationship you have that could get ruined by having a conversation about your feelings, standards and/or expectations wasn't really stable enough to begin with
-The things you choose to ignore/ tolerate now are the reasons you will break up in the future
If you're wondering if you're being too picky/should give another chance after the second chance/should try harder - the answer is invariably NO! You're not and you shouldn't. If this, now, is as good as it's going to get, the A game, then do you want what comes next?!
-OLD can get very time consuming. Keep doing other activities you enjoy Optional: Please give your irons (potential dates you are talking to) nicknames like Mr Scottish. Initials are allowed (Mr S) when you are an item*

@Nosdacariad not surprised that you feel jaded. Has to be said the pool of men in their 50’s is slim pickings. + most seem to expect to date someone fitter and younger. I showed my son a pic of Mr Spanner and got ‘Blimey, how old is he?’ He’s my age! I think I’ve got used to men looking older. Suprising at that age how many haven’t got their homes and finances in order aswell. Mr Spanner very much has a yellow flag in that corner.

What's going on with Mr Spanner and housing?

Hey everyone ☺️

Im still messaging Mr Teacake and we have agreed to meet up on Saturday. Our first date was last Saturday so it’ll be 2 weeks since then by the time we get together, although this has been because of my own stuff going on at home. He’s asked if we can meet at lunchtime “to spend more time together” and has suggested mini golf, dinner and then drinks.

I’ll be honest, it seems like a bit much for a 2nd date. And I think because it’s now been 10 days since our 1st date my interest is starting to wane a little. He messages me quite a lot and I can see from the messages (WhatsApp) that he edits them quite a lot, I think from typos? A lot of thought going into it. He’s a little bit full on too I think. He’s absolutely lovely in so many ways however I’m not sure if there’s a tiny bit of the ick starting to creep in?

Last night I decided that I should maybe log back in online and keep my options open, because I have no other irons and things just feel a bit intense with Teacake. I done a little swipe session but nothing took my interest.

Why am I feeling so deflated? Does anyone else get like this? He really does seem lovely and yes there’s the yellow flag living arrangements (which he assured me he is working towards) but should I keep my options open, or is it unfair because I’ve met up with him?

Apparently the others are used to her awful behaviour and it’s just accepted that she’s a nightmare. Yes Mr S and her were a couple and there is another couple there a man and woman, she’s quite nice and doesn’t seem to get on very well with S’s ex either. Mr S is honest with me about her trying to meet up with him outside of the group and calling him, and has said that he’s told her he’s with me and not interested. I’ve told him I’m just not going to hang out with that group because I don’t enjoy watching his crazy ex flirt with him all night. When I suggested that he might be enjoying that, in that it strokes his ego, he got very cross.

Oh no, sorry to hear this. I wouldn’t be impressed with him getting cross and defensive about it. Your concern is legitimate but he doesn’t seem to be taking your feelings on board.

Oh God, this sounds so familiar. For me there is a period in between 1st and 2nd date where I rapidly go off them. It's sometimes because they are texting too much and I definitely get the ick. I am not sure if it's my own emotional unavailability creeping in. But it happens with guys who I think are alright but I am still making my mind up on and that keenness feels like pressure.

I think you should remember how you initially felt with Mr Teacake. And I think you should say yes but with amendments. If it feels like too much just say yes to one part if it eg I would love to spend more time with you but I actually have a lot on that day, so let's just do mini golf/or dinner. Scale it back for your own comfort and to manage his expectations too.

I read this thread sometimes, but I never comment as I have nothing to contribute (I’m single but I don’t date) so I hope you don’t mind me commenting but a few things have really jumped out at me. Is telling you about this ex really about ‘honesty’, or is it to try and impose some type triangulation lite situation?

With the reveal of being into a certain type of sex, and making it clear he wants to keep this ex around, I wonder if it isn’t more about creating an anxiety around this, and therefore lowering your boundaries when it comes to this certain type of sex.

I really hope I am wrong, but this is what jumped out at me so I felt I needed to comment. Him getting defensive really is quite telling I feel.

That is a lot! As others have said, don't feel obliged to go along with all of his plans, - maybe just agree to the part of it that most appeals.

I frequently end the first date thinking I might see them again, and in between first and proposed second date I absolutely talk myself out of any initial attraction I had.... I'm not sure what that's about, and obviously I hope that when the right guy comes along I won't do this.

It's a difficult one - I think you should listen to your instincts around Teacake and stay vigilant for love bombing or just him being too full on for your preference - but maybe worth giving him one more chance, as you were quite keen at the time?

Totally up to you though. You don't owe him anyway. And there is 100% nothing wrong with going back on the apps until you agree exclusivity with someone - and it doesn't sound like you and Teacake are anywhere near that......

How dare he get cross about this? Sounds very DARVO to me! You have every right to raise a concern about any situation that makes you feel uncomfortable - and no woman would happily sit watching her boyfriend be flirted with all afternoon, if course you are going to I dislike it - he shouldn't be putting you through it. Let alone getting cross with you for not obediently falling into line!

I would stay vigilant with this one. You are the prize - you deserve a man who adds to your peace, not one who disturbs it! X

He moved abroad for a while. Doesn’t seem to have settled since returning. (8 months) been staying with sister. Has just moved onto a rented room bit only plans on that for 1 or 2 months. Has found a studio flat he’s interested in. Just sounds like he’s wasted a lot of money with the move abroad and has been drifting since back. As I live centrally with a ‘proper’ house I will end up doing majority of hosting although we both have vans and we’ve done that a fair bit. Will just have to see how it plays out. Am not looking for a cock lodger. I don’t think he is that. I really like him but it’s annoying to have that doubt at the back of your mind.

If you’re unsure maybe slim down the date to just the afternoon. It’s bloody awful when they’re too keen and energy isn’t matched. They really suffocate something that may have potential 😤

If it's a friendship group of just two couples (one of them being your Mr S & his ex) then surely the friendship group split when they did?! I think it's weird that they still go out together in this way, is it just me that thinks this?

For example say you and your ex had another couple you socialised together with when you were together- would you continue to do so post split or would you see them separately and eventually form your own 2 friendship groups- the couple & the ex & her new partner and then the couple, you & your new partner = 2 separate friendships.

I think he's being weird about this & id question why he wants to continue doing this.

And if he didn't want the ex to keep contacting him he should just block (unless they have DC together?)

Hope everyone is well!

Mr Hat is officially Mr CleanShirt... Trying to take some things slow (things like he has a teenage son and I'm in no rush to meet him)... But we've both made it very clear that we're both very much in "like" with each other and want it to be just us. So yeah! Deleted the apps, I have so much free time without them 🤣

I seem to have inadvertently ghosted Mr M after a hectic couple of weeks - he was the absolute last thing on my mind. Feel quite bad but sort of gone past the point of no return!

Congratulations - Mr Hat is a lucky man!

That’s great! Can I ask how long it’s been before you got to this stage?

It is annoying though good that you're alert to it x

Congratulations! 🥂🍾💘so well deserved😘

FWB1 (the one I see more regularly) is here. I always forget how glorious the physical side of our relationship is when I don't see him for a bit. If I could construct my ideal man put of parts of others, I would definitely put him in FWB1's body!

(Parts of his personality are great too, but perhaps just not the perfect match for me in other ways....).

Have been following the thread but zero time to post this week (working long hours, still lots of life admin to sort out post the house move). De-lurking to say congrats to @CleanShirt! Such great news.

This is a lovely update! ☺️

I think I’ll take on the advice from the thread and let Teacake know that his Saturday plans are just a bit too much. I think he’s sensed that I’ve pulled back a little bit. I haven’t been messaging him as much although his replies come through within a couple of minutes.

I’ve had another little swipe session earlier and matched with someone, and sent the first message. So we’ll see what happens.

Did anyone watch the eclipse? It was so cloudy here tonight that the sky barely changed, what an anti climax 😔 my DD helpfully pointed out that the next total eclipse is in 54 years 😭

Yes it went weirdly dark here and it looked cool with eclipse glasses.

I'm feeling a bit sorry for myself as in the pub for son's hobby and so many people a bit older than me who still have their husbands.

We've only been seeing each other for a couple of months but everything was just right... Certainly not my experience during my dating journey, so maybe just right place right time?

You absolutely deserve it xxx

I kind of think (hope) that all the hard yards we do in dating prepare us for the right situation by teaching us what we want/need and our own personal barriers and behaviours. So we can get better at spotting and eliminating behaviours or people that aren't right for us, and grow to become more open for the ones who are.

And I think success in dating comes down to the same thing that gives us success in any other aspect of life. It's about wanting something enough and not giving up.

Enjoy this relationship! I do think when two people find what they are looking for at the same time it can just come together quickly.

That must be tough - I imagine you think a lot about your DH at times like that. Sending lots of love. Xxx