I am so angry with and feel so hurt by my partner.

[SoAngryAboutThis]

I'm just so angry about this that I can't work out how to address it.

I have had the worst 18 months of my professional life and it culminated with me leaving my much loved employment two days ago. I'm not going to go into detail about that because I'm not looking for opinions or advice on that.

And it would be instantly recognisable to other colleagues and stakeholders if i did. Suffice to say that I'm devastated about what and in the way things have been done. And I'm not alone in that. It is not something I deserved or have caused in any way.

This isn't just 'a job'. It is something I've done for 20+ years, it's not just what I do, it's a core part of who I am. Even if I never stepped foot in that environment again, it's still how I would describe myself or at least would until I choose I no longer want to describe myself in that way.

My partner knows this. He has listened, he has supported not just me but my colleagues too (I'm not the only person who has been targeted), I couldn't have got through the last 18 months without him. Frankly, it's been traumatic.

On Friday (my last day at work), he and I went out with a couple of colleagues (who have become very valued friends). I saw my partner talking to someone we both vaguely know. I mean so vaguely that we recognise him to say hello and briefly pass the time of day with but neither of us could remember his name and I don't imagine he remembers ours either - just a face we recognise in the crowd.

I overheard him mention the name of my previous employer.

When he came back to sit with us, I asked what had been said and he glibly replied, "Oh I just told him you used to be a _ but they let you go,"

Used to be a _? Let me go? I was lied about, disregarded, undervalued, overlooked and sidelined for 18 months because my face no longer fit. I was sent to A&E with a suspected heart attack earlier this year through stress. I've cried and felt a sense of loss akin to when my marriage ended.

And he's minimised it to I used to be be a _. I didn't used to be anything. I still am.

I am so angry that he not only reduced the last 18 months to such a simple sentence but that he reduced one of the most devastating and painful periods of my life to chit chat outside a pub to someone whose name he doesn't even remember. I was so angry, I said this in front of my friends. He did apologise and then said, "It's OK, he wasn't even really listening."

That does NOT make it OK.

I am still so angry. I'm angry that he said it, I'm angry that he minimised it in that way. I'm angry that he shared my personal information with a stranger. Angry that he gave this incredibly painful and personal part of me and my life to someone else who didn't even care that he was hearing it and on my last day when he knew how upset I was. And it's also made me feel that I don't want to share personal things with him. How can I give him anything of myself when he treats it with such little care?

He doesn't treat me with little care and it doesn't reflect what he thinks or feels about me but to be so careless with his words...

I need to speak with him but I need to get it clear in my head what I'm going to say and to process the anger here so that I can communicate it effectively.

I am also aware that some of my anger is related to.the situation but I just feel so betrayed by him. I've been made to feel that I don't matter at work for the last 18 months and this has just compounded it.

I think you are over reacting. It’s seems to me you are transferring your anger at your former employer onto your partner.

I think he has been genuinely supportive. I know he doesn't understand because it's not his world.pr his experience. I get that.

But it felt like a shock and a punch in the stomach that, knowing exactly the impact it has had one and not just me, that he would reduce it to a glib comment in the way that he did to a stranger who hadnt even asked.

I just don't know why he did it. Or why it would have felt like an appropriate thing to say.

I'm aware I feel very fragile at the moment and he is also aware of that and that I've been treated appallingly. I suppose I just feel like I've been alone on a little raft but with him close by and it felt like he'd pushed me away from him too with that comment. I just felt very alone.

So I’m not in the same position, but I have recently left teaching. Possibly temporarily. I’m really struggling with saying ‘I used to be a teacher’. I’m also struggling with saying nothing as so used to saying it. I’ve tried not mentioning it when it feels relevant, but equally I feel strange. I can empathise that your partner doesn’t quite know how to say it or not say it, but equally I can empathise with your grief. Sometimes there are no right words and if he’d said you were a teacher you might also have been angry with him. Your anger should be at the bastards who treated you so badly, your heart should be with your former students/ happy memories and your future is with your partner (and maybe new students!) but it’s hard to feel that in the moment.

I’m so sorry you’ve had a dreadful time.

I would just say though, don’t invite additional conflict and stress into your system. It might be less than ideal, but if he’s generally been good and supportive, let it go. Does it really matter that much that he was clumsy?

I hope you can have a really restful, stress free day x

What he said was true, you're not a whatever profession and they let you go is easier than saying they sacked you, you retired or resigned or whatever. You're being over sensitive and unreasonable

I think this is quite harsh to be honest.

This is exactly how gossip starts, especially about OP who this person doesn't really know well, so would not care one bit about her or care if gossip affected her, he tells his wife "'so and so' told me his wife 'so and so' was fired from her job today" etc, she tells friends and before you know there's a lot of people who know of you who have the completely wrong idea about what happened but are spreading it around.

I'd be fucking furious if my partner did this to be honest, I'm not sure why people are defending this, either tell a version of the truth or don't say anything at all, don't tell them something that isn't even true that paints OP in a terrible light ffs!

It does seem like he thinks that is what has happened.. why??

I don't think you are being unreasonable OP and I would share your sense of betrayal. I can't understand why your DH needed to say anything at all about you, other than 'She's fine!' or 'We're just having a little get together with friends, in response to a near stranger's casual enquiry.

I'm so sorry you have been through such a dreadful time and hope that now you have extricated yourself from what sounds like a really toxic workplace, better times lay ahead. A big hug in solidarity.

Exactly, he said nothing wrong. If he was having a long talk about with friends he'd explain it better but you don't display everything to someone you don't know well. Your partner spoke the truth. What on earth would you expect him to say?

I am sorry this is awful for you and sympathise but at the end of the day, you did used to be ...., and were let go. People don't need to know all the details or how traumatic you have found it, that's private. Firms let go of people al the time, redundancies happen, some people take it badly, others see it as an opportunity to do something different.

Now you are free to chase your dreams, maybe in another direction.

ok but now what. You told him off in front of everyone he apologised. You can bring it up again a lay out exactly why you were upset, why he was wrong and what he is allowed to say. Stop letting how you feel about the situation merge into how you feel about him. They’re not the same.

Don’t do this. This is the absolute opposite way to behave towards him. Don’t take your hurt out on him.

it was a minor misspeak it doesn’t signify any more than him being a human. Maybe let him know that if he is feeling overwhelmed and in need of support you are happy for him to get some. If you have rules about who or how you want him to seek that support let him know so he doesn’t make another mistake.

You're grieving the loss of a large and obviously important part of your identity.

You need sone counselling.

Give your partner a break. He made a mistake.

I don’t think the OP has said, but if this teaching, I understand totally how she feels. Teaching becomes part of your identify. I still tell people I’m a retired teacher, if they ask if I’m still working.

Still don’t think it’s worth bringing tension into her relationship over, but I get it.

Apologies, I assumed the guy had asked, as it does seem strange to simply offer up that information? Context is everything, I assume there is subtle context missing?
I don’t usually find myself sticking up for men in most situations lol, but can you weigh up all of the support he’s given you over the past 18 months, against a throwaway comment to someone who doesn’t matter? If alcohol was involved that also may have affected his judgement.

I can understand the feeling of being alone and hurt and frustrated and lonely and angry, not within the context of work, but the feelings absolutely.

The thing is, your little life raft of emotions are yours, painful as that is, however much you desperately want someone else to utterly understand, they can’t - they can only try be a buffer in the storm, which I think your DH is trying to be. He’s perhaps behaved clumsily, but it seems like he’s a good heart if, to you, are rather clumsy and insensitive foot. I’d rather have someone trying to navigate with me and occasionally getting it wrong than not at all. But again, that’s your judgement to make ❤️

So he fucked up - we all do sometimes. He’s apologised. You sound completely heartbroken & exhausted with it all - which is understandable- but please don’t let this ruin your relationship too.

You & your DH sound like a great team. He’s supported you throughout-which I’m sure you’d do the same for him -one stupid comment doesn’t erase all that. It’s very rare for a man to get support on MN - and that support is a result of your words about him, even when you’re pissed at him you’ve painted a picture of a good man 😅

You sound like you need a holiday OP - time away to reset will probably do you both the world of good.

I’m sorry this has happened to you - allow yourself time to grieve then plan the next stage of your lives….together.

To be fair, I think that her initial reaction was understandable, and her initial vent on here. I'm guessing the wine played a part.
As the thread goes on though, she's not taking anything on board, is she, which doesn't bode well...

Exactly, he said nothing wrong.

but she wasn't 'let go', that means she was either made redundant (unlikely with teachers I imagine) or fired and neither is true.

If you finally walked away from a job that you loved after being treated terribly for 18 months, would you want your partner telling people you were fired??

He could have said she left, it was her last day there today or he could have said nothing too, there were so many options why would he tell people she was fired??

Completely agree! It’s never a good idea to define yourself by your job.

JUST SPEAK TO HIM!

It sounds like he’s been really supportive, give him the benefit of the doubt when you’ve calmed down a bit, it sounds like he just handled the conversation a bit clumsily, he wasn’t trying to hurt you!

“DP, I’m really grateful for how supportive you’ve been through this horrible time. If I seemed off the other night, I was a bit uncomfortable with the way you described the situation to acquaintance. I’d rather you said x or y or just changed the subject while I’m still feeling quite hurt by it all. I don’t want to fall out about it though just making it clear for future. Anyway shall we go for a glass of wine to finish the weekend on a positive and talk about anything but work?”

Have you been living any sort of normal life over the past 18 months that he could have mentioned to stranger in pub or has this consumed his whole life as much as yours and he literally had nothing else to say to fill the gap? He might have this constantly running around his head and so mentioned it. Poor guy. Please don't repeat the bit about 'he didn't need to talk about me at all'

I mean this kindly, I think you need to seek help for your mental health. Hope things get better for you soon.

I think he might have clumsily been trying to say she was managed out, which anyone in teaching knows is like constructive dismissal but hard to stop or oppose because you get so worn down by the process. So saying let go would make more sense to a lay person. In a brief conversation, I can see why he’d say it.

He made a mistake. Please don't let it fester - have a calm conversation, explain how you feel and what you'd like him to say/not say in the future. It sounds like you definitely need counselling - please consider this.

Thank you.

I agree with this comment.

Several years ago I went through a massive process and DH was incredibly supportive over some years. When we heard the results which were favourable To me, we were under strict instructions to keep the information confidential until it was made public.

DH the proceeded to tell a bloke at his club that I don’t even especially like and certainly wouldn’t trust with my sensitive information. I was insanely angry with him.

With hindsight my reaction was correct but inflamed by 1000 due to the stress and trauma that had led up to it. I still feel angry that he did that but it is actually insignificant. It changed nothing.

I wish you well in your career going forward but hope you can take a bit of time to reset first.

Mem often don't value their wifes job as much as their wife does unfortunately. It can confirm to him that he is the dominant and stronger and makes him feel better about himself. It was disrespectful of him. You need to ground yourself (he won't hear you properly otherwise, it will be just noise to him) and think about how your going to get that across