I am so angry with and feel so hurt by my partner.

[SoAngryAboutThis]

I'm just so angry about this that I can't work out how to address it.

I have had the worst 18 months of my professional life and it culminated with me leaving my much loved employment two days ago. I'm not going to go into detail about that because I'm not looking for opinions or advice on that.

And it would be instantly recognisable to other colleagues and stakeholders if i did. Suffice to say that I'm devastated about what and in the way things have been done. And I'm not alone in that. It is not something I deserved or have caused in any way.

This isn't just 'a job'. It is something I've done for 20+ years, it's not just what I do, it's a core part of who I am. Even if I never stepped foot in that environment again, it's still how I would describe myself or at least would until I choose I no longer want to describe myself in that way.

My partner knows this. He has listened, he has supported not just me but my colleagues too (I'm not the only person who has been targeted), I couldn't have got through the last 18 months without him. Frankly, it's been traumatic.

On Friday (my last day at work), he and I went out with a couple of colleagues (who have become very valued friends). I saw my partner talking to someone we both vaguely know. I mean so vaguely that we recognise him to say hello and briefly pass the time of day with but neither of us could remember his name and I don't imagine he remembers ours either - just a face we recognise in the crowd.

I overheard him mention the name of my previous employer.

When he came back to sit with us, I asked what had been said and he glibly replied, "Oh I just told him you used to be a _ but they let you go,"

Used to be a _? Let me go? I was lied about, disregarded, undervalued, overlooked and sidelined for 18 months because my face no longer fit. I was sent to A&E with a suspected heart attack earlier this year through stress. I've cried and felt a sense of loss akin to when my marriage ended.

And he's minimised it to I used to be be a _. I didn't used to be anything. I still am.

I am so angry that he not only reduced the last 18 months to such a simple sentence but that he reduced one of the most devastating and painful periods of my life to chit chat outside a pub to someone whose name he doesn't even remember. I was so angry, I said this in front of my friends. He did apologise and then said, "It's OK, he wasn't even really listening."

That does NOT make it OK.

I am still so angry. I'm angry that he said it, I'm angry that he minimised it in that way. I'm angry that he shared my personal information with a stranger. Angry that he gave this incredibly painful and personal part of me and my life to someone else who didn't even care that he was hearing it and on my last day when he knew how upset I was. And it's also made me feel that I don't want to share personal things with him. How can I give him anything of myself when he treats it with such little care?

He doesn't treat me with little care and it doesn't reflect what he thinks or feels about me but to be so careless with his words...

I need to speak with him but I need to get it clear in my head what I'm going to say and to process the anger here so that I can communicate it effectively.

I am also aware that some of my anger is related to.the situation but I just feel so betrayed by him. I've been made to feel that I don't matter at work for the last 18 months and this has just compounded it.

You are ignoring everyone and disagreeing, dismissing responses you are burnt out and looking for a fight, but aiming it at the wrong people. I suspect your partner is also potentially burnt out being your shoulder for the past 18 months. Move on, pick yourself up and take time to be nice to yourself.

I can't go into too much detail because it would be recognisable. And some of it is so absurd that some people wouldn't believe it anyway because it just doesn't make sense.

All I will say is that it hasn't just been me who is affected and its not just felt within the staff of the organisation but stakeholders too.

It wasn't anything I have done or a problem with my work.

As for what I want him to say, as others have asked that, if asked what I do for a living, he can say I'm a _. Just like I do if people ask what he does for a living. I don't go into specific details.of his current employment.

This

I am also wondering what you want from the thread? My guess is to feel vindicated- people certainly sympathize with the awful time you have had, AND they think that his one misstep is not worth this reaction.

If it is truly unforgivable then don’t put him through months or years or resentment about it. Especially when it’s a displacement activity from those who put you in this situation.
I think this needs a maximum of one conversation, and a openness on your part, as well as his.

all the best, you deserve it after this awful time.

I totally understand your upset, I really do.

But if he's otherwise a good partner then I wouldn't jump to thinking the worst. I would maybe assume the guy asked why yous were there or about what yous have been doing. Or maybe it was an awkward conversation and he was struggling to fill the silence. Who knows!

I know I would have been upset too though. I have been through a very difficult work situation too were I felt my role became unsustainable so I'm moving to a new role - I'm lucky though that it's in the same field. My job is also a huge part of my life and my identity so I do understand.

The fact you’re making such a massive deal over something that 95% of people here think is minor leads me to imagine the last 18 months supporting your colleagues and you will have been super stressful for your DH - assuming then as now you were ruminating over the same thing and not listening to reason. He must be very patient and stressed himself.

how would you feel if you had supported him through this instead, then he’d had a go at you in the pub in front of people and STILL wouldn’t let it lie a couple of days later?

sorry to be frank with you OP, you’ve clearly been through a really tough time but you need to women up and get a grip.

have you talked this through with those colleagues- do they also think DH committed such a terrible crime?

What has been said has been said, this fact cannot change. He has apologised. He has been previously extremely supportive. What do you want to now do? If this is something you feel you cannot move on from, then you perhaps need to reconsider the relationship.

That to me doesn’t seem the best thing to do right at this moment, with so much emotion swirling, but only you can feel what you feel.

So the issue is he used past tense? As in, “She used to be xxxxx at such-and-such but they let her go/she left”? Rather than “She’s a xxxx” and said nothing else?

You really need to take a deep breath, you are not thinking straight, seems you are looking for an excuse to be angry and explode.

Stop trying to find an excuse, just do it, just explode, it’s ok to allow yourself to do this after what you have been through, you have earned that right. Go scream in the woods, go destroy something, tidy all your cupboards, whatever works, but let go of this emotion that’s overwhelming you now in a healthier way than targeting, putting the responsibility or scapegoating your supportive partner about it.

Work to live not the other way around OP. No job is worth all this angst 🤷‍♀️ Your partner sounds lovely and supportive. Don't ruin it over a toxic job.

Remember, no one says "I wish I would have worked more hours" on their death bed.

I would urge you to look in to some kind of therapy/counselling OP. You have clearly been through a lot and it would probably be really helpful to have someone to talk to about it who isn't close to you personally.
Don't underestimate how hard it will have been for your DP to have supported you over the last 18 months. Yes he's made a mistake here but in the grand scheme of things its pretty minor, he deserves some understanding from you on that, it sounds like the least you could do to be honest, in return for the support he has shown you.
You must get some perspective, you risk damaging your relationship otherwise and it sounds like you've been through enough, don't allow this to ruin it. Be kind to yourself and be kind to your DP.

You're deflecting your anger about your work on to your husband. You need therapy and time to work through it.

At some point in the future you will recognise this. I hope you haven't irrevocably damaged your relationship with your husband before then.

I needed to.process how I feel. Work out what of it is reasonable and what is not and find a way of telling him I don't want him to discuss my personal information with strangers.

I don't want to upset him because he has been supportive, I don't want to he angry and I acknowledged in my op that some of my anger is at the situation.

But if he is genuinely supportive, then he should also understand I don't want it shared with strangers in the pub and, tbh, I'm surprised he'd need to be told that.

I wouldn't do it to him.because I'd understand it was inappropriate without him explaining that to me beforehand.

The way you’re batting off all the responses you’re getting on this thread and clinging to your anger with your DP does show a lack of self-awareness and willingness to self-reflect, OP. Why were you let go?

Kindly OP , come off this thread and seek therapy from the helpline or via your union. You clearly have a lot of trauma and big feelings to process and unpick.

Lashing out at your partner is not the answer and tbf anyone who isn’t in education just doesn’t get it . Why would they ? But it sounds like he’s been supportive over a long time and yes I can see why you think he messed up in the pub.

I was that traumatised teacher and eventually left after much pleading from my DH. Not minimising your pain but your DH also travelled the path too and you both now need to step forwards together.

They’ve taken your love of teaching - don’t let them take your relationships too. Best of luck OP. I really wish you well (the other side for me has been grand - I hope in time it is for you too).

Kind of.

It just felt like he'd written me off when he knows how devastating the whole thing has been.

I.wouldn't have told a stranger in the pub about it. If someone had asked, I'd have said, I'm a _ and that would have been the end.of it.

I wouldn't have said,, "Oh I used to be a _" (because I still am) or even told them I no longer worked at my place of employment because I'd been 'let go' (when thats not really what happened) because I know no one would understand (unless they'd been through it), or care and I wouldn't give something so personally traumatic to a stranger. I wouldn't want a dismissive response and it wouldn't be any of their business.

And I certainly.wouldnt have divulged that information about him knowing how devastating it had been for him had he been in my shoes. Especially if no.one had asked anything about him.

So just to focus in on your last post, do you feel he hasn’t been ‘genuinely supportive’. If you feel he has been supportive - then perhaps you can contextualise what happened and accept the apology. If you think his support hasn’t been genuine, then that’s time to reconsider the relationship as a whole.

edit - last but one post now!

Meant kindly!

He didn’t say anything remotely personal though.

‘My partner worked for HSBC but was let go today’

That is so far from personal.

He didn’t say

‘My partner has worked for HSBC for 14 years, it was her whole life. She has lived and breathed that place, she had a suspected heart attack with the stress and to be honest she’s on the verge of a breakdown. They let her go today and she isn’t coping. She seems completely consumed by it.

You are not going to get what you (think you ) want from this thread because you seem to want your DP to suffer as much as you have. Please take the very good advice here and get off the internet and get therapy to process the ladt 18 minths and your fear and grief about the next steps and your loss of status/identity. As everyone has pointed out your DP is coming in for your rage when he doesn’t deserve it.

But go ahead and cut off your nose to spite your face. Your DP made a mistake and you feel it cancels out everything. So dump him.

If he thought it was an irrelevance, he probably wouldn't have mentioned it.

As you've said, he didn't say it in response to a question from the other person, just blurted it out out of nowhere.

Why would he do that unless it was something that was on his mind, even when talking to some random?

Many years ago, my DPs sister was raped. She didn't want to go to the police, and the only people she told were DP and I. My job obviously was to support DP, while DP supported her sister. And while obviously I wasn't affected as much, this was very much not about me, I still felt a need to talk about it. Something horrible had happened to someone I cared about, and I felt upset about it, and scared for my SIL, and angry and any number of other emotions. I desperately wanted to talk to someone about it, but it couldn't be DP, or her sister obviously, as the circle of support radiates outwards. And I couldn't talk to anyone else, because SIL didn't want anyone else to know, and I wouldn't betray her confidence like that.

I remember wanting to just talk to strangers, the barman in the pub, or a random I got chatting to on a walk. I didn't, but the impulse was there. In the end, I made a thread on here, changed enough details to make it unidentifiable, and got to unburden myself.

Your partner will have been affected by the way you've been treated, he'll have his own thoughts and feelings about it. And last night, at the culmination of it, it'll have been right at the forefront of his mind. And so without even properly thinking about it, he's just blurted out some ill-formed words, probably regretting it even as he's saying it.

OP, have you been in the position of trying to support your DP through a long period of extreme difficulty in his job? Where his life, and yours, have been consumed by his awful situation for eighteen months? You're so sure what you wouldn't do to him, but unless you've been in his position you can't be sure. He

He probably doesn't fully understand what you've gone through, naturally enough. But it must have been a very trying time for him too and he has done his best to support you over a very long period.

If you want to stay with him and him to stay with you, I agree with others that you urgently need counselling.

No he didn’t need to say it, but he did. So what do you want to do about it? He’s only human, we all get things wrong sometimes.

I have been where you are OP. And when I say that I genuinely truly mean it. I’ve been to A and E through the stress of my job. I’ve been managed out aka bullied for no real reason. It broke me because teaching was my whole identity.
However, you are being irrational at the moment. It hurts and it will take years to get over. But that doesn’t mean that your current anger isn’t misplaced. In the grand scheme of things, your partner has just made an ill timed comment. I think you need to seek some external support to help you process what is a life changing event.

I feel sad for him that you are questioning whether he is genuinely supportive. You can’t really believe that this one mistake undoes everything he’s done for you and your friends over the past 18 months?

And didn’t you have a go at him already about not discussing you? He’s not going to do it again.

Jeez, give him a break. He was making small talk.